Chapter 14.
Now
A colleague recommends a Chinese film playing at the Picturehouse, and I message Ash to ask if he fancies it.
The film turns out to be a powerful love story about two thirty-something aspiring artists. My colleague had very much emphasised the art and skipped over the part about it being an epic and highly-charged romance.
Inside the darkened cinema, all my senses seem heightened. I am very aware of Ash’s warm proximity, how good he smells, how he has angled his knee into my space, and how I’m enjoying it. I know, already, that I’d love to reach out and feel for his hand. That in my head, I’m mere moments from kissing him.
Maybe it’s partly the film that is stirring me up like this. Romance isn’t usually my preferred genre, but I’m surprised to realise it has overridden much of my cynicism. And aside from mild embarrassment at having been the one to suggest it, I’m actually enjoying all the things it’s making me feel.
‘Love this building,’ Ash says afterwards, as we make our way back towards the main doors.
I nod. ‘It’s so beautiful.’ The cinema is sited in a Grade I listed part-medieval merchant’s house, its oldest sections dating back to the fourteenth century. Now, it’s a sympathetic blend of old and new, a perfect synthesis of flint, glass and low-hanging beams.
On the steps outside, I turn to him. ‘Did you like the film?’
‘Loved it.’
‘Really?’
‘Didn’t you?’
‘Yes, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so—’ I break off, fumbling for the right word.
‘Romantic?’
‘I was going to say sentimental.’
He smiles. ‘Ah, I’m not averse to some good old-fashioned sentiment.’ Reaching out, he runs a hand down my arm, slow and tender in a way that makes me shiver. ‘Do you... fancy a nightcap?’
‘Yes,’ I say, although I already know that heading back to his place will surely only supercharge everything I am starting to feel.
Back at the apartment, he takes my jacket. I privately hope he likes the dress I’m wearing. My hair is tied back in a long plait that falls between my shoulder blades.
Ash is wearing jeans and a soft grey sweater, understated in a way that makes me smile inside. I bet he’d be genuinely surprised – and probably mortified – if he knew just how many people in my office have a fairly major crush on him.
He pours two glasses of wine and dips the overhead lights. We sit down together on the sofa. Music floods the room.
At the sound of London Grammar’s first album, my heart lurches.
‘Apologies for the glasses,’ he says, passing me one. ‘They’re only Habitat, I’m afraid.’
I twirl the glass round by its stem, grateful for the distraction. ‘Do you think I’m a snob?’
He smiles a no . ‘I guess I just presumed... you import yours from Italy, or something.’
I smile back at him. ‘Actually, if I did, they’d be from Austria, but that would be a step too far even for me. Anyway, there’s a difference between what I might advise my clients to do, and what I do myself.’
‘Ah, I know that feeling. “Do I agree that your Grade II listed manor-house is crying out for a swimming pool with neon-purple uplighting in the orangery? Absolutely.”’
I sip my wine. I want to get to know him better, and I’m curious about his ex. ‘Tell me about Tabitha,’ I say cautiously, hoping I’m not being too personal.
He doesn’t seem fazed. ‘Well, she was... quite hard to work out, sometimes. Our relationship wasn’t particularly easy.’
‘In what way?’
‘I had trouble pinning down... who she really was. She’s one of those people who thinks that if it’s not online, it didn’t happen. And I guess that all came with a bit of self-absorption. She didn’t really have that much time for me, or my world.’ He smiles faintly. ‘She used to hate it when I talked about work. Which was kind of a problem in the end, because I think about work a lot . I’m not sure we ever really had that much in common, if I’m honest. I kept having to hide more and more of myself from her, just to keep things harmonious, and in the end... I think we were just dating each other’s shadow. Which is why it made it so easy for her to cheat, I guess.’
‘I’m sorry. That all sounds quite stressful.’
‘Ah, don’t get me wrong. There was good stuff too. I was pretty infatuated, at the start. But I guess after we broke up... I knew I wanted to find...’
I wait, breath stalled in my throat.
‘. . . something real.’
He shifts his position, lets his knee fall against mine. The room suddenly seems bigger, almost cavernous. My heart goes into freefall. I am insanely attracted to him – more than I’ve dared to admit to myself until this moment. He is handsome, of course, but I also feel a connection to him I haven’t experienced since Jamie. Mind-altering chemistry, the kind that comes with side effects, withdrawals.
Several simmering, spellbound seconds. One of us has to make the first move.
The music segues into ‘If You Wait’. I lean over and put my lips to his. He responds instantly. And the kiss isn’t shy or tentative, but assured and intense, as if it’s been on both our minds for hours, days, weeks. Ash kisses like there’s something at stake. I haven’t had a kiss like this since Jamie, with a heat that lights up every cell in my body.
After a minute or so, we pull apart. He exhales heavily, keeps his hand at the back of my neck. I take in the bloom of pleasure on his face, the dimples and laughter lines that spring to his skin as he smiles.
I move towards him again, but as I do, I feel something crunch beneath me, and realise I am sitting on a piece of paper.
I pull it out from under me and hand it to him with an apologetic smile, resisting the urge to read what’s on it. ‘Sorry. Hope it’s not important.’
He laughs, then passes it back to me. ‘Actually, I was making a list. Of stuff I should buy for this place.’
I stare down at it, and as I do, the writing starts to blur.
This is Jamie’s handwriting. I’d know it anywhere.
I blink once, twice. The words seem to shuffle and sharpen again.
The handwriting of someone you love... it’s something you’d recognise for ever. You never forget it.
‘You okay?’ Ash asks, reaching out to touch my leg.
I stare down at his hand on the bare skin of my thigh.
How are you doing this?
I swallow, attempt to refocus. ‘Yes. Yes.’
A moment passes. ‘Are you sure? Is this...? I don’t want to make you feel—’
But before he can finish, I drop the paper and move towards him again. I want to push Jamie from my mind. I don’t want to put the brakes on this, because it really is so good.
I feel Ash smile as our lips meet.
Think about this instead , I tell myself. About the man who’s right here, in front of you .