41. Zombie
FORTY-ONE
ZOMBIE
I sat in my living room on the leather sectional, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.
I’d had what I wanted. The girl of my dreams, a career that I loved, and I’d been surrounded by good people.
But I’d still felt like I was watching myself go through the motions.
Living but not really living. Now I had really ruined it all; I had lost the trust of my team, the love of my life, and I couldn’t work—the one thing I could count on to keep myself sane.
I found myself imagining driving off the side of the road into water, falling down the stairs, or overdosing. But moments later I would feel guilty for being so depressed when others had it worse.
I couldn’t stop the questions that cycled through my mind.
Why did Arrow have to die instead of me?
Why did I have to hold this secret from my loved ones?
Why not end it all? Why did Buddha and Lennie have to find out the way they did?
Why did Cassie not tell me about her being pregnant with our child?
So many questions and not enough answers.
I got up from the couch and opened the liquor cabinet to grab my favorite bourbon.
I stared at the bottle for a long time before placing it back in the cabinet, deciding I wouldn’t drink it, although it did sound enticing.
Georgy, as if sensing my tumultuous feelings, let out a whimper.
I scratched between his floppy ears before continuing on my mission of letting everything out.
Instead of drinking my favorite bourbon, I did something that I had never done before; I sat down and wrote a letter to Arrow.
With Georgy curled up on my lap, I wrote about my feelings, my dreams, and my life.
I told Arrow about how great of a man he would be if he were in my situation with a new baby and how I knew he would have found a solution before anyone else could even suggest one.
I expressed my gratitude to the best man I knew and explained how much I missed him.
By the time I was done writing the letter, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t remember the last time I truly cried. So often I was like a statue, unmoving, devoid of emotion. But right now, I was in my rawest form. Maybe even my truest form.
I ripped the letter off the pad and stared at it for a long moment before placing it in the fire. In the corner of the room, I saw Arrow standing there with his hands in his pockets and a small smile on his face.
“Goodbye, my friend,” Arrow said with sadness in his voice.
“Goodbye, my old friend,” I said to myself, and felt a wave of relief as I watched the fire burn through the letter. A sense of calm washed over me as I saw the paper turn to embers and ash.
As it slowly disappeared I knew that this would be the last time I would see or hear Arrow because I had finally accepted that he was gone and had written all of the things I wished I could have said to him.
I had no doubt in my mind that this was about to be a new chapter for me.
But man, was I going to miss my best friend.