S E V E N T E E N
My fingers interlock as I sit on my green sofa with his present before me on the table. It’s after midnight, I’ve cried every tear from my body and—it’s officially Charlie’s birthday.
I couldn’t be furious with him.
He was right.
I hadn’t meant to, but I did.
I used him.
I used the connection between us to bandage my insecurities.
Flashes of Charlie’s bruised body reel through my mind, and it’s a metaphor for how I’ve treated him. Charlie is the punching bag I take my anxiety out on. He’s the safe place I go when I feel like I don’t matter, or I’m not enough. But in doing so, I am quite literally throwing him off a cliff and forcing him to swim back to me. No real healthy relationship can come from that.
I think about a few months ago. Before I ever saw the bruises and when we were just friends. I eventually let Charlie in because I never suspected he was attracted to me. I never imagined I would even be on the same planet as Charlie in that respect. Even with that thought, I see it. I put him on a pedestal. I worked him up into this unattainable man. I put that pressure on him and myself. And I did it, so I’d never be able to get hurt. Charlie couldn’t hurt me if he was never mine to begin with. If he was just my friend, he couldn’t rip my heart from my chest and stomp on it.
All I have ever wanted is to have an identity of my own. Some label has always been attached to me. I’ve spent all this time running from them.
Running from Kai’s sister.
Running from the Asian girl.
Running from the chubby girl.
Running from… girlfriend.
Charlie has never made me feel like anything other than myself.
Just Banks.
Just me.
And I keep punishing him for it.
I grab the present before I lose my nerve and run out of my apartment. Sprinting up the stairs till I’m panting outside his door. It occurs to me, he might still be out, but I knock anyway.
My chest is shaking as I nervously chew on my lips till they might begin to bleed.
The door opens slowly, revealing him. Still in his jeans and flannel, his head hanging between his shoulders.
“Banks,” he breathes hesitantly.
“Can we just…” I skittishly swallow. “Can we just talk? I’ll leave if you want me to, just let me say this first.”
He lets out a long drag before stepping to the side. I walk in, facing his windows, my back to him as he shuts the door. The apartment is dark, the only light coming through the glass of the windows.
“When I was in high school,” I start, timidly chewing on my cheek. “I had the biggest crush on this boy. ”
I can hear him breathing behind me, but he keeps his distance.
“He was nice to me and we would study together at lunch. He actually knew my name rather than just calling me Kai’s sister.”
I cross my arms.
“He was my first kiss,” I continue. “And he led me on for half the school year till spring formal.”
My eyes shut as I refuse to cry anymore.
“He tried to…” I gnaw on my back teeth. “He tried to force me into doing things I wasn’t ready for. Told me that was all I was worth. That I was a kink and I would never be anything more. No one would love me, no one would want me if it wasn’t for that. He made it crystal clear that I wasn’t ever going to be like the other girls. I needed some label that would make it so I mattered, whether it was the fact that I could hide behind Kai because I was his sister or Perry because I was her friend.”
I slowly turn because I need him to look at me when I say this. I find him just standing there like a hollow tree. His chin was tucked but his eyes watching me.
“I thought he was a good guy and I know what happened in high school doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t have mattered , but I hid. I hid because I was ashamed and humiliated. Any other guy that took interest, I quickly searched for a red flag and dismissed any chance of a relationship. I romanticized the made-up men because they gave me everything I thought I needed without being able to actually hurt me. But I realized I wasn’t feeling anything, not love or even contentment. Just nothing. Not until you came back,” I profess. “You’re right when you say I put you on a pedestal. ”
I inhale sharply. “I did. I was protecting myself and in doing so, I see now that I was hurting you. I made you think you had to be perfect. That you had to be all that was happy and bright because I needed it.”
He clenches his jaw like he wants to say something.
“I don’t want the reason that you and I aren’t together to be because I’m too afraid of letting you love me. You see me, Charlie. I guess you always have and I’m sorry that I’ve made it your responsibility to make me feel good enough because it’s not. It’s mine.”
He takes a step toward me, but I take one back.
He shudders.
“Let me finish.” I hold my hand out. “I can’t promise that I’ll be fixed overnight but I believe you when you say you want me, and I want to tell Kai and my parents. I’m not ashamed of you, if anything I’m ashamed of me. I was worried that people would look at us and think you’re doing charity work.”
He scoffs.
“But it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I know that. Deep down I do. I know how I feel and if you feel even a little bit for me what I feel for you, who cares right?” I shrug. “I just want to eat cheese pizza and do face masks and read books and watch the stars and I want to do all those things with you.”
One last rebellious tear falls from my watery eyes.
Charlie sucks his bottom lip between his teeth. “Are you done?”
I nod, breathing harshly.
“I’m sorry,” he utters.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. ”
“I do,” he says. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you earlier.”
“What you said was true.”
“Doesn’t mean I should have said it the way I did.” He frowns. “You don’t see how infuriating it is for me that you think so little of yourself.”
I stepped first because I know he won’t advance after I backed away.
“There’s so much—”
He snaps his mouth shut, physically straining himself.
“So much what?” I stop just in front of him.
He looks away from me. “Nothing.”
“Charlie,” I breathe. “Whatever it is…”
His eyes meet mine, harsh and abrupt. “I need you,” he murmurs. “Whatever it is I have to do so I keep you in my life, I’ll do it. I don’t care about the other stuff,” he says. “I know we’re confusing each other but really… I just… I just need you.”
I just wish I knew why.
“I need you too.” I nod.
“What is that?” He points at the gift box in my hand after a moment.
I glance down at the dark blue wrapping paper. “Your birthday present.”
“Can I have it?”
A little smile forms as I hand it to him. He carefully slips his finger under the tape and pulls it back. On top of the frame is the folder with the paperwork. Charlie lets the paper fall to the floor as he glances at the frame.
He tries to contain a smirk. “You got me a picture of space? ”
“Open the folder,” I instruct.
He tucks the frame under his arm and opens the folder as he walks over to the wall and flips a light on. I cross my arms once more as I watch him read the paperwork.
He gently looks up at me. His eyes filled with an unreadable emotion. “You bought me a star?” he all but whispers.
“Happy birthday, Charlie.”
His mouth opens and shuts, and he stares at the paperwork again.
“The photo.” I move toward him. “It’s a photo of your star. The Charlie Barnes star.”
“You bought me a star?” he whispers again.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Is that okay?”
He sneers. “Is it okay?” he mutters under his breath, rolling his eyes as he bites back a grin. He shuts the folder and reaches for me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I shut my eyes as my face presses against his chest. All anxieties stripping themselves from my body the moment he wraps his arms around me.
“That’s the most thoughtful gift anyone’s ever given me,” he says against my hair. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
We stand there for a long while, just holding one another.
Nothing will ever be perfect. I know my insecurities will still flare up and at some point, I’ll demand to know what happened to Charlie but right now, in his arms, it’s enough.