Chapter 41
Sky
I open the wardrobe, take out the stack of jeans, and hand them to Lil.
She hesitates before taking them. "Are you sure you really want to do this?"
As if I have a choice. "I have no future here," I reply. I try to lift my shoulders, but they feel too heavy. "I've failed, Lil. Once again," I say, nodding toward the open suitcase on the bed. For five days, I've tried unsuccessfully to convince my father. It's over.
Clutching the stack of jeans to her chest, Lil looks at me with empathy. "But nothing has actually happened," she counters. "Your father brought Kahlo back to Touch av lyx , the company is doing great, especially because of what you've achieved in the last few months. And Kjell..."
Sighing, I take the jeans back from her and carry them to the suitcase myself. "The fact that no article has been published so far means nothing." Why else would he refuse to sign the nondisclosure agreement if not because he intends to go public with the story? "When the bomb explodes, I need to be gone."
"So your father can claim that it's all made up?" Lil passionately places her hands on her hips.
I walk to the wardrobe. "A large part of it probably is. These reporters exaggerate every little detail to the extreme." My stomach turns at the thought of what will become known about me.
Lil sits down on the bed next to the suitcase. "But you two, you were so in love."
"He was just pretending to get close to me," I reply firmly. Even though it hurts to say it, it's the truth.
"Mm-hmm," she says thoughtfully, as I place the basic T-shirts next to the jeans in the suitcase.
Next, I open the sock drawer. "What mm-hmm ?"
"I don't know," I hear her say. "What if everything is completely different?"
Nonsense. It's exactly as it is. I grab as many over-the-knee socks as I can and put them in the suitcase. "Stop it, Lil, that only makes it worse."
"I just mean..." She raises her eyebrows meaningfully. "What if he was the love of your life..."
"Now that's enough," I snap at her more forcefully than intended. "First, he interrogated me. And then he tried to get me to go public with my story. He kept pushing me over and over again, pretending it was all about me."
Only now can I see it in the right light. His pursuit of the truth, which also drove me further and further. And all the while, he was lying to me.
"But without him, you would never have reconciled with your mother," she gently reminds me.
"That's true." More than once, Kjell has encouraged me to face the open questions I might have otherwise run away from my entire life.
He was there for me, kissed away my tears, offered his hand for a dance, and held me when I lost my balance.
It felt so real. So pure. So true.
I should be continuing to pack, but I sit down beside Lil on the bed instead.
She puts her arm around my shoulders. "And wasn't he, in a way, the one who saved our friendship too?"
I rest my much too heavy head on her shoulder. I think back to find the moment that not only led to my reconciliation with Lil but also to the new unity with the staff.
"He was," I murmur thoughtfully. "Although he never suggested I should talk to you. Still, it's thanks to him."
Lil continues to stroke my upper arm. "Sometimes we're so convinced of something that we don't even question why that is."
There's truth in that.
Once again, Kjell's voice is in my head. My childhood was one big lie , he tells me, just like he did in Milan.
"What if my childhood was also a lie?" I ask.
Suddenly, a realization starts to creep up on me. Until now, I've never once questioned my life.
"What if everything I've always believed in isn't true?" Like my conviction that I was to blame for my parents' divorce. Like my dream of one day co-leading Touch av lyx with my father.
And just like my conviction that love would make me blind and foolish.
What if none of the things I've clung to all my life are really true?
What if Kjell was right?
What if hiding forever is not the best solution after all?
My parents didn't divorce because of me, I know that for sure now. Touch av lyx is great, but I've never had a passion for the business side of it. It's the fashion itself that fascinates me. The fabrics, the colors.
The designing!
Wait a minute.
How long have others dictated what I should and shouldn't do? Imposing on me what to dream of and what to fear.
What to show and what to hide.
Oh. My. God.
"Kjell was right," I say, realizing it just now. Regardless of what he did, he was right about one thing from the beginning. "Only the truth matters."
And my truth is not my father's.
Lil's smile widens. "So are you giving him a chance?"
The turmoil inside me won't let me sit still any longer. "Should I?"
She shrugs again.
I pace back and forth in the bedroom. A thousand thoughts race through my mind, a mix of memories that stir up all the feelings at once.
Heart palpitations, warmth, fear.
Longing. Freedom. Trust.
And suddenly, guilt too.
I abruptly stop. "He wanted to explain everything to me, but I refused to listen."
Instead, I preferred to concoct my own version of reality, driven by the panic of how my father would react when he found out I'd gotten involved with a journalist. Dammit. Not only did Kjell make a mistake, but I did too! By blindly assuming that he was only after my story.
"Go to him," Lil says. "Talk to him."
"He won't talk to me," I reply, and tears well up in my eyes at the same moment.
Because I know it's true.
What if he never would have published a word about me as long as I didn't want him to?
If all he ever wished for was that I could live a life without constraints.
Who are you? he asked me incredulously when I tore into him mercilessly without giving him a chance.
What if he really did everything just for me? Then he must be deeply hurt now.
I see his face again, the startled sadness in his expression, the heavy swallow in his throat. A glance into his eyes is enough to see that what gave me a sense of superiority in my blind rage four weeks ago now appears in a new light.
That was the moment when his trust in me, which he had difficulty rebuilding after the story about his parents, was shattered—perhaps irreparably.
Lil steps up beside me. "Call him, find out."
"Even if he listens to me, he won't believe me," I say, wiping away the tears from my cheeks with both hands.
If I want to reach Kjell, it will take more than just words, that much is certain. But how could I prove to him that I finally understand what he did for me?
My temples ache as I think so hard.
What did he always want for me?
That I face the truth.
That I stop running away.
And that I become who I am.
Wait a minute. I could... no, that would be crazy... but what if I... A thought becomes clearer and clearer in my mind. It's insane. Utterly absurd. Almost paradoxical.
But somehow, it's right.
With bated breath, I turn to Lil. "What if I give him a story?" I ask, and not a second after the words leave my mouth, I know it's exactly what I'll do.
He should get my story—the whole story. But first, it needs to be finished.