Chapter 47
LIZZIE
I’m so stunned that I can’t move, can’t speak.
What does Alison mean that it was her fault?
Does she think she should have thrown her crisp packet away?
Maybe Carol had told her to empty her lunchbox and she hadn’t got around to it, so Carol did it.
That doesn’t absolve me of any blame though, does it?
They were my crusts. I should never have put them in Alison’s lunchbox, I should have put them in the bin then her mother wouldn’t have touched them and would still be alive.
Mum finds her voice first. ‘What do you mean, Alison?’ she asks softly. ‘How can it be your fault?’
A river of tears streams down Alison’s face.
‘I wasn’t pretending, I didn’t recognise you, Lizzie.
You’ve changed so much.’ She takes a tissue out of her pocket and wipes her eyes.
‘And I’ve never blamed you. You didn’t know Mum was allergic to peanuts, but I did.
I sat by you even though I knew you were eating peanut butter, and I should have emptied my lunchbox out into the bin myself.
When Mum went into an allergic shock and I went to get the EpiPen, I dropped it.
Those few extra minutes cost her her life. ’
‘You were a child! None of this was your fault!’ I’m outraged on her behalf that she’s carried this guilt with her all these years. We’ve both been victims of the tragic events of that day, both carried the blame for it. Full of pity and remorse, I go over to her, wrapping my arms around her.
Mum places her hand on top of Alison’s.
‘Do George and Sheila know you feel like this?’ she asks gently. ‘I’m sure they would hate to think that you blame yourself. It was a tragic accident and you did your best to save your mother.’
Alison gulps back a sob. ‘The thing is, she wasn’t my real mum.
I always felt that something changed when Mum died, something between me and Dad, but it wasn’t until my eleventh birthday that I discovered that Carol wasn’t my birth mum.
’ She licks her lips. ‘My own mother was her best friend, Susie, she died of a drug overdose when I was two, and Mum… Carol… adopted me.’ She looks into the distance as if remembering it all.
‘That’s when it all clicked into place, why Dad was so distant to me, he and Kenny were like a unit but I never felt that I belonged.
Sheila was all over Kenny too, she fed me, but there was no love there.
I think they all blamed me for Carol dying and resented me being there.
’ She paused, her eyes clouding over. ‘They never said as much in words. But I felt they did. They closed ranks. I felt an outsider. I did everything I could to make myself useful, scared that they would send me to a home. Then as soon as I was old enough I got my nursing qualifications and went to live abroad.’ She wiped her eyes again.
‘I miss Carol so much, she was the only mum I’ve ever known. She treated me like her own.’
‘That’s very sad, dear, but I’m sure that George, Kenny and Sheila didn’t intend to make you feel that way.’ Mum’s tone is kind, reassuring.
‘Maybe not but that’s why I was happy to stay and look after you. I felt it was my chance to belong.’ She looks at Mum then me. ‘I would never harm you. Never. How can you think I would?’
‘I thought that maybe you were enjoying being part of the family unit and wanted me to need you a little longer,’ Mum says softly. ‘Making me dependent on your care would give you chance to do that.’
Alison shakes her head. ‘That’s a big accusation to make just because you’re feeling exhausted after your fall.
Which was only a week ago!’ She’s clearly shocked.
‘How can you think that of me?’ She turns to me.
Her eyes are wide, her chin trembling. ‘Nick told me how you suffer from anxiety and imagine all sorts of things. And I’ve sensed that you don’t like me.
Now I know why, it’s your guilt. Seeing as you both think I’m some kind of monster who would harm a sick woman, I’ll go.
I’ll book myself into a hotel and fly back to Spain tomorrow. ’
Mum is watching her thoughtfully. ‘I believe you, Alison. So please don’t go. You’re right, Lizzie and I have been so worried about my slow recovery that we’ve jumped to all sorts of silly conclusions. I hope that you’ll forgive us and we can all put this behind us.’
Alison does seem really upset, and, like Mum, I’m inclined to believe her.