Chapter 37
CAMERON
M y two doppelgangers approached, and I resisted the urge to step back. One was taller than the other. Athletically built, her body was honed for a brawl, but the other was softer, her body more suited to an omega or a human, but they were still both me.
Suddenly I knew what this was. “I’m in a mind walk, aren’t I?”
“In a manner of speaking,” the tougher version of me said. “We’re here to help guide you.”
Her companion nodded. “Yes, if you’ll let us.”
“I have a choice?”
The one with the bun—version one—rolled her eyes. “There are always choices. That’s how life works.”
“Will you let us walk with you?” version two said.
I mean, what did I have to lose? “Sure.”
She took my hand, and it was the strangest sensation, like holding my own hand, or something, but then she was guiding me forward while version one strode ahead, out of the silvery gloom and deeper into the darkness.
Soft amber light bloomed around us, and a path materialized underfoot.
Images rolled past me, memories from my childhood—baking with my mother, being pushed on a swing, nighttime hugs and being read stories.
Longing filled me with each. If only I could stay there, safe and protected, but the memories turned to gray skies above the cemetery where my mother was laid to rest.
I stood alone at her graveside, maybe about sixteen at the time, the rain masking my tears.
“Do you remember this day?” version two asked softly.
Version one made a sound of exasperation. “Let’s show her.” She shoved me into the memory, into the body of my sixteen-year-old self. My chest felt like it was being crushed, a weight sitting on it that made it hard to breathe, but the sobs kept coming anyway.
Why? Why did you leave me? I’m so alone, mum, I can’t do this. I need you. I need you so badly.
“Jason Darcy broke up with you that day,” version two said. “Even after you had sex with him.”
“You gave it up so he wouldn’t leave you,” version one pointed out. “Pathetic. Look at you, crying to your dead mommy over a fucking twit of a boy.”
My face burned with shame beneath the tears.
Yes. Being with Jason had made me feel wanted.
I’d known deep down saying no to him would mean losing him.
I’d known deep down what kind of boy he was, but I’d been afraid of him breaking up with me.
Afraid to be unseen once more, and so…Yeah, I’d agreed to sleep with him. He left me anyway.
“Stop it!” version two said. “She was sixteen. He was her first love.”
“She knew better,” version one retorted. “She knew he just wanted in her panties. She wasn’t ready, but she did it just to try and keep him.”
I remembered the ache of loneliness afterwards. Seeing Jason with Clarissa Morton. The rumors he’d spread about me being a slut. The propositions from other boys. The shame and isolation. I’d never told Romi, too embarrassed, too scared that he’d be disgusted with me and stop coming to see me.
“You used your brother as a crutch,” version one said. “And then he was taken too, and look at you. You threw yourself into danger because you couldn’t bear to let go.”
“She needed closure,” version two said.
“No, she needed a distraction from the fact that she was alone once more.” She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me from my sixteen-year-old body and back into the dark.
“You’re pathetic, Cameron. You’re desperate to connect.
To belong, and it weakens you. People leave, they die, and every time that happens, it breaks you. ”
“That’s not true,” version two said. “Connections make us stronger!”
“Really?” version one sneered. “Let’s see, shall we?” Light bloomed, clinical and bright as the infirmary bloomed around us. “A recent memory, perhaps?” She crossed her arms and arched a brow. “Take a look.”
Heartbreaking sobs filled the room coming from the bed where I lay on my side, curled up in a fetal position. I closed my eyes to block out the scene, not wanting to feel that pain again.
“You see what connections can do?” version one said. “You wasted so much time grieving something you couldn’t have had anyway. Even if you save him, you’ll be forced to say goodbye all over again. How is that sane, hmmm ?”
“It’s called love!” version two said, hands fisted at her sides. “And it’s what makes us?—”
“Human?” version one taunted. “But we’re not human, are we? And the sooner she accepts that, the sooner she can move on and pass this fucking trial.”
The infirmary melted away, but we didn’t go back into the dark place; instead, we materialized on a platform that extended partway across an abyss, and dangling from chains in the center was Derek’s shadowy form. His head lolled onto his chest, body loose and limp in unconsciousness.
“Derek!” I rushed to the edge of the platform. “Derek! Can you hear me?”
“I’m afraid he can’t,” version one said. “And he never will if you don’t make the right choice now.”
Choice? “What do you mean?”
“Stop it, you’re scaring her,” version two said.
“She should be scared. The wrong choice now could mean she loses everything. Her shield. Her mate. Her brother, and her life.”
My pulse raced. “What do I have to do?”
“Pick one of us,” version one said.
“What?” I looked between them.
Version two stepped in front of me. “We are you, Cameron. Potential versions of you. And to pass the trial, you must choose one of us and kill the other.”
“What the fuck? I’m not killing anyone.”
“And therein lies your problem,” version one drawled. “You’re weak.” She pointed at version two. “ She makes you weak. Get rid of her, and we can claim our shield and pass to the next stage of this trial.”
Once again, my gaze bounced between them.
“It’s all right,” version two said. “We don’t feel pain, and we want what’s best for you.” She glanced at version one. “In our own way, of course.”
“Just pick already,” version one said.
They weren’t real, and if I had to eliminate one to save Derek and move on with this test, then so be it.
“That’s the spirit,” version one said. “Maybe there’s hope for you yet. You know what you need to do. You know which version of yourself you need to be to achieve your goals.”
My goal was to save the people I loved, and no doubt the warrior version could help me do that, but she was cold, selfish, and kind of an ass. Version two was sweet and kind, but sweet and kind wouldn’t help me fight graynites. She’d be plagued by doubts and indecision.
Chains rattled, and Derek dropped a foot closer to the abyss. “What’s happening?”
“You’re running out of time,” version two said. “You have to choose. Now. Who do you want to be? Me…” She smiled sweetly. “Or her.”
Version one stood tall, her eyes cold, flat, and ready to take on anything.
With her on my side, I could defeat the graynites.
I could have the kind of grit needed to make the decisions that could save lives, but…
would I care about those lives anymore? And version two would help me nurture the connections I’d made, be part of a family and care enough to keep them safe, but… would I be strong enough to do so?
They were two sides of a coin that I’d spent my whole life attempting to balance on the edge of, and up until now I’d thought I was doing pretty well.
Were they here to tell me otherwise or to test my conviction?
The chains rattled again, and Derek dropped another foot.
“Tick-tock, Cameron,” version one said. “You know what you have to do.”
A blade appeared in my hand, the hilt cold and hard against my palm. “I have to kill one of you.”
“Doubts will cripple you,” version one said. “Those feelings of abandonment, the need to belong, to connect, they will make you weak. Kill her and remove those fears.”
“Fear keeps us safe,” version two said. “The desire to belong gives us family.”
Version one tutted. “Family who will hold you back and act like a noose stopping you from rising. Stopping you from making the decisions that will give you the things you want. Family stops you being invincible.”
Invincible…Palia’s words filled my mind… “ If we felt invincible, truly invincible all the time, then the world would be filled with egomaniacs with superiority complexes and no fear. Doubts keep us on our toes, they make us think and question before making decisions. They keep us safe…surely…”
My doubts forced me to think through plans, and my fear of loneliness forced me to make connections and value them. My fear of abandonment made me a better friend. I had turned my weaknesses into strengths, and I suddenly knew what I had to do.
I turned to version two. “I’m sorry.” I stabbed her in the heart, and she disintegrated, a smile on her face.
“Perfect,” version one said. “Now we can?—”
I stabbed her in the chest too.
“What…” She looked down at the blade in shock.
I released the hilt and stepped back. “I don’t need either of you. I’m good just the way I am.”
She vanished in a blaze of cinders, and I was alone on the platform with Derek suspended out of reach. What now?
“Hey! Come on! I made my choice.” Unless I’d fucked up. What if I had to pick one of them to stay? What if by eliminating them both, I’d messed up the test?
No. This was right. I was right. I didn’t want to become either of those versions. This version of me was who I wanted to be. It was who I’d worked hard to become, and up until now I’d doubted that. Not any longer.
The platform rumbled and began to move forward.
Yes! I reached for Derek as I got closer.
“I’m coming, buddy. I’m coming.” The platform stopped abreast of him.
I was high enough to be able to wrap my arms around his neck if I wanted, but not high enough to get to the pulley system on the chains that held him suspended.
I could try climbing up, but what if the weight dragged us down?
“Shit.” I cuddled his waist and dragged him onto the platform as well as I could. He was still held up by chains, but I had him. “Let him go. Get the chains off him!” There had to be an architect here. Someone pulling the strings of this test. No one answered, though.
Derek groaned, his diamond eyes cracking open to focus on me. “My Cameron.”
I kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly. “I’m here, buddy. I’ve got you.”
The chains rattled, releasing him just as the platform dropped out from under us.
I held on to him, secure and safe as we fell into the abyss together.