Chapter 26
Twenty-Six
Selina stood outside the door of Gillray Manor, feeling like there was a lead weight in her stomach. She clutched the small suitcase in her hand, packed with a handful of dresses and necessary items that would last her a few days.
This is only temporary. Even if I am not useful in Greystone Manor, I will find another place that does not belong to Lady Gillray. She would have gone somewhere else, but she desperately needed to see her sister.
She took a deep breath before walking to the double doors of Gillray Manor. A footman answered the door and showed her to the drawing room, where Lady Gillray was having tea while Christine sat in the corner, knitting a scarf.
Lady Gillray looked at the suitcase in Selina’s hand and cackled. “I knew you would never make it over there,” she said, standing up. “You are not built to be a duchess.” She gave a mocking curtsy. “Your Grace.”
Selina gritted her teeth. “Good morning, Godmother. I would like to speak to my sister alone, please.”
“What happened? Did he try to push you off the balcony, too? Did you dodge out of the way and run here, away from your troubles?”
Christine looked mortified. “Godmother, please. How can you say such cruel things?”
Anger flooded Selina, and she glared at the older lady. “You will not say such horrid lies about my husband. Not to me or anyone else. I can tell you now that he had nothing to do with the late duchess’s unfortunate demise.”
She sniffed. “How naive of you, Selina.”
Selina rose to her full height. “That is Your Grace to you, Godmother. I suggest you think twice before you insist on making me your enemy.”
“Nonsense.” But the older woman looked a little uncertain, and the sight filled Selina with satisfaction.
“Even if you were not insulting the duke, you treat my sister horribly,” Selina said.
“The audacity to treat her as if she were no more than a lady’s companion is unbelievable.
That alone gives me plenty of motivation to get you blackballed from society events.
I might not have been a duchess for long, but you know my title alone makes me capable. ”
Lady Gillray curtsied, a little more sincerely this time. “I will give you and your sister privacy, Your Grace.” Her voice was a little more penitent now. She did not look at Selina as she left the drawing room.
Selina slumped into the chair next to Christine, feeling suddenly very tired. Perhaps I will spend the rest of my life alternating between cross and tired.
“Are you all right?” her sister asked hesitantly. “Did you and the duke get into a fight?”
“Yes,” Selina said. “But he was not cruel. Not in the way everyone expects him to be. Just…” she sighed.
“He does not want a wife. He married me to protect my reputation, and so I could be a mother to Percy. But Percy already has a mother, and I am not her. I feel like I have failed. As a duchess, a mother, everything. I am a disappointment to Greystone.”
“I am sure that is not true,” Christine said.
“Oh, it is.” She shook her head. “Percy spoke for the first time in over a year.”
Christine smiled. “That is amazing.”
“Yes, it is,” Selina said softly. “And I am happy he found his voice. However, he only started talking to tell me I am not his real mother.” A pang of sadness hit her, but she managed a small smile. “I do not blame the child, of course. But it is still clear that I am not wanted.”
“That cannot be true,” Christine said. “Even if his first words were not ideal, you still helped him find his voice.”
Selina shook her head. “Perhaps I helped, but maybe he would have started speaking again regardless of whether I was there or not. He just started speaking when he was ready. Truthfully, I have not done anything for him that a nanny could not do. I have failed Percy, and I failed Dominic.” She covered her face with her hands.
Christine patted her shoulder. “I am sure that is not true.”
But Selina could not be convinced. She simply sighed in response.
After a couple of seconds, her sister spoke again. “Are you planning on staying long?”
“I wish to stay for a night or two,” Selina said. “I will not be staying here long, but I do not know if I will be returning to Greystone Manor. Perhaps I will find other arrangements. I am sure Dominic would not mind if I found separate living arrangements after our last discussion.”
She grimaced, remembering that horrible morning. “Percy started speaking again, and that is truly all the duke wanted from me. I am sure the boy will be just as happy with his nanny as he would be with me.”
She remembered the duke saying he wanted to go back to their original agreement so that they could prioritize Percy. But surely, he would realize that Selina had done all she could do with him soon enough.
“I am sorry,” Christine said. “Living apart from your family sounds awful.”
Tears sprang into Selina’s eyes. Even though she had not known Dominic or Percy that long, she definitely considered them family. She took a deep breath, which was shakier than she would have liked.
“I have done it before. I can do it again. Plenty of married couples live separate lives. There are worse lots in life.” She smiled, even as she blinked back her tears.
“Truly. I have been quite lucky. Only a little over a month ago, I would have been lucky to find employment as a governess, and here I am a duchess. I can hardly complain.”
“I do not believe for one moment that you have failed,” Christine said stoutly. “You always think your world is ending after one bad day, but things are not so precarious.”
“My world did end after one bad day,” Selina said with a little more heat in her voice than she meant.
“At least, that is what I saw when I was your age. One day, I was worrying about a stupid ball—I do not even remember who was hosting it. The next thing I know, my brother is missing and the entire ton hates him. Father died shortly after, and we lost our home. So forgive me if I think it is possible for one horrible day to destroy my life.”
“I remember that day,” Christine said impatiently.
“Just as well as you do. No, I was not as hurt by it as you, but I remember. It was not just one day. Charles spent months hurting everyone. We just did not realize until the very end. Life has been very precarious for you for a long while, but it does not have to be that way anymore. The duke will not turn you out because of one argument. That little boy still loves you, even if he misses the late duchess.”
Selina swallowed. She wanted to believe it was true, but it was difficult. “The duke said I was a mistake,” she whispered.
“Then he will come to regret that,” Christine said.
She smiled at her sister. “I think it is time we took our minds off things. Let us do something fun today. Lady Gillray might be possessive of her carriage, but she would not dare object to a duchess requesting access to it. We can take the carriage into town and enjoy ourselves for a while.”
Selina nodded and smiled shakily. After all, she had not come here to fight with her sister. Christine might be right about her needing to relax and distract herself for a while. “That sounds wonderful.”
The two of them went shopping in London. People stopped to curtsy at Selina and talk with her. She was still not accustomed to everyone calling her ‘Your Grace’, but it no longer felt as uncomfortable as it had at first.
She was happy she had changed and powdered her nose before leaving for town. The dowager duchess had not been exaggerating when she said all eyes would be on her when she was in public.
She and Christine visited a modiste together. Selina used her pin money to buy Christine a new ballgown, a delicate gown made out of blue silk.
“This is not necessary,” Christine said. “I have gowns from last Season.”
“That will simply not do,” Selina said. “You must have new gowns. Besides, what is the point of my having so much pin money if I cannot spoil you now and then?”
Christine smiled. “Thank you, Your Grace.”
Selina could not help but giggle at her sister calling her that. “That is Selina to you, dear sister.” Her mood felt much lighter as they left the modiste to walk to a nearby tea shop for some refreshments.
After tea, the sisters returned to Gillray Manor, where Selina discovered the bedroom next to Christine’s had been prepared for her. At least she was not sleeping in the servants’ quarters this time.
“I do hope our godmother will come to her senses,” Christine said as they sat down in Selina’s room together. “If she starts tormenting you in public, then you will have no choice but to act.”
“I can handle her,” Selina said. “Luckily, I think she has just enough sense not to publicly insult a duchess, no matter how much she dislikes me. How has she been treating you?”
Christine smiled, but it did not reach her eyes. “Lady Gillray knows I will write to you if she mistreats me too harshly.”
Selina studied her sister, wondering how truthful she was being. “Do you promise you will write to me? I do not want you to think you are inconveniencing me. I need to know if she continues to mistreat you.”
Christine smiled and grabbed her sister’s hand. “You were always a protective older sister, and I love you for it. But you no longer have to worry about me.”
“I will always worry about you. Especially while you live here.”
Christine chuckled. “I appreciate it, but it is unnecessary. She has already found a lady’s maid instead of using me.” Selina was still not sure, but it was clear Christine did not want the subject pressed. She sighed inwardly as she gave in to her sister’s wishes.
“I am glad I could give you that little amount of protection from her. Although I cannot wait for you to be out of her clutches. Perhaps you can spend next Season at Greystone Manor.” She felt a pang of sadness at the thought of her home. “At least, if I am still living there next Season.”
“You will be,” Christine said. Her brow furrowed. “Unless you wish to live separately from them?”
Selina thought about it for a moment and shook her head. “No,” she said. “I do not wish for that. I have come to love them all very much. But I do not wish to live in a place where I am not wanted. Perhaps I would be better off living elsewhere.”
Christine reached out to grab her hand. “I cannot imagine a sweet little boy like Percy not wanting you around.”
Selina arched an eyebrow. “What about Dominic?”
“I do not know the duke very well,” her sister said carefully. “But if he had any sense in him, then he would go to the ends of the earth to get you back.”
Selina smiled softly, even though she knew Dominic would never do that.
Lady Gillray made herself scarce that night, even during dinner. Selina was glad of it, much preferring to visit her sister without that unpleasant woman looming over her.
After dinner, Selina and Christine bid each other goodnight and retired to their respective rooms. Alone in her room, Selina felt a pang of homesickness for Greystone Manor. She wondered how Percy and Dominic were doing. How was the dowager duchess faring?
It does not matter, does it? None of them will miss you, not really.
A lump formed in her throat, and she swallowed it down.
“Do not be silly, Selina,” she muttered to herself as she changed into her nightgown.
“There is no need to pity yourself. Just count your lucky stars that you are not homeless on the street or forced to work for your godmother your entire life.”
However, as she got into bed, she felt a hot tear run down her face anyway. Somehow, she drifted off to sleep, only to be woken up in the middle of the night by someone pounding furiously on the front door of the manor.