20. Isaac
20
ISAAC
I didn’t expect her to stay, but she’s made no move to leave since I asked her. We’re not speaking, but she’s moved her other hand on top of mine, and that says more to me than any words could. It feels so good to be able to hold her again, to be so close to her and pretend she’s still mine, even if it’s just for this moment.
I’m reminded of all the times we would sit together in silence, content to just be with each other even if there was nothing to say. Her presence has always soothed me whether on the phone or in our stolen moments together between classes. As soon as I’d hear her voice or see her face, it was like everything else disappeared, every single worry in the world fading into the background as she took centre stage in my mind.
I’m about to say something, to ask her why she stayed or where we go from here, but the sound of my phone ringing breaks me out of my thoughts. She startles, taking her hand away from mine and leaning back in the chair. This time, I let her go because I know she’s not leaving .
I reach across my bed to pick up the phone but wish I hadn’t - it’s my dad. The worry must show on my face because Violet rests her hand on my knee, giving me a tight smile as she urges me to answer. I focus my attention on where she’s touching me, grounding myself with her as I swipe the screen.
“Hi, dad.”
“Have you done your application yet? There’s only a few days until the deadline.”
I turn the volume down so that Violet can’t hear. Even though we’re friends again, we haven’t discussed anything about university or what the future holds, and I don’t want that conversation to be forced now because of my dad. I still haven’t submitted my application for Oxford, and I think the stress surrounding it all is one of the reasons I got sick.
“I’m just checking through it a few more times. It’ll be done before the deadline.”
“Have it done by the end of the day, and forward the confirmation to me once you have.”
There’s no way to put it off any longer. I close my eyes before I say the next words, not wanting to look at Violet as I force them out. But then I feel a gentle pressure on my knee, her thumb running across it, and it gives me the strength I need.
“I’ll submit it now.”
“Good. Will you be home for half term?”
I take this chance to tell him that I won’t be. Izzy has a trip with the hockey team, so she won’t be at home. The thought of spending an entire week alone with my parents sounds like the worst possible thing right now .
“I’m going to stay here. I was sick for a few days, so I need to catch up.”
“Okay, good idea.”
I didn’t tell either of my parents that I’d been sick for the past few days. I knew neither of them would care. I imagine other parents would show some concern or ask how I felt, but he won’t.
Violet’s hand stills on my knee, and I glance at her, furrowing my brows in confusion. She just shakes her head. I immediately want to end this conversation so I can talk to her instead.
“I’ll send you the email later. Bye.”
I hang up before I even hear a response, locking my phone and throwing it behind me on the bed. I go to place my hand over Violet’s but she moves it away, and I try hard to not let the sting of rejection show on my face.
“How much of that did you hear?”
“All of it.” She huffs out a laugh, but I don’t feel like there’s anything funny about what just happened. “So you’re applying then?” She asks, voice timid as if she hates to ask the question.
“I don’t have a choice. I’ve been trying to put it off for as long as possible, but it’s been a constant, looming thought in my mind. I think I made myself sick with the stress of it.”
I’m rambling now, but she was always the one who I could let everything out to without fear of judgment.
“I haven’t been eating or sleeping properly, day and night I just think about all the different ways I can avoid doing it. But none of them will work. I think the only time I’ve slept properly in the past few weeks is when you were here yesterday. ”
The confession comes out unexpectedly, and I watch her face, waiting to see her reaction. The only thing I can see in her eyes is sadness.
“I didn’t know you were dealing with all of this.”
“How could you? I hid it all from you before, and I had no right to tell you now, either.”
I feel like I’m constantly regretting everything I say to her, and that’s no different now. I shouldn’t have dumped all of this on her when we’re still in the beginning stages of rebuilding our friendship.
“I wish you would have told me last year. About all of it.” She says quietly, her voice soft.
“Would it have made a difference?”
I don’t elaborate on the question, but what I’m really asking is, if you knew, would we still have started something?
I’m dreading her answer. The thought of her regretting the time we spent together feels like it could be the thing that completely pushes me over the edge. I don’t know if I’d ever recover from it.
“No, I think…” she pauses, and when I catch her eyes again, there’s a shine to them. “I think I would have just liked to be there for you.”
I hate that she thinks she wasn’t, that she might think she could have done more to help. My issue with my parents and my future is something I have to deal with myself. It wouldn’t have been fair to put that pressure on Violet when everything between us still felt new and delicate.
“You were, Violet,” I reassure her as she looks down at her hands folded together in her lap. When she turns the chair away from me, I get up from the bed and kneel on the floor in front of her. I reach for her hands. And this time, she doesn’t move away. “You have no idea how much you helped me without even realising.”
She gives me a weak smile, her chin quivering slightly, and I hate that I keep making her cry.
“I wish I could go back in time, tell you about everything when it was happening, but I can’t. So I’m saying as much as I can now. It doesn’t make up for what I did, but I hope it can help you to forgive me eventually.”
She nods her head, and I can’t even imagine what feelings she has towards me right now. I can only hope that they’re positive. I take her hands in mine as a sign that they are.
“Can I help you now, then?”
“With what?”
“Your application.”
“Violet…”
I lean back on my heels to try and see her face more clearly. She looks deadly serious.
“As your friend, I want to help you with doing something that’s hard for you.” I’ve never been so happy to hear the word friend from her lips. “Whether you go to Oxford or not isn’t up to me, but this is something we both know you have to do. So let me help you.”
“Are you sure?” I ask in disbelief. I don’t understand how she could want to help me when Oxford was part of the reason why we broke up.
“I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t.” She stands, pulling me up with her, and then she moves to the side of me, our hands still joined. “Come on, let’s get it over with.”
She lets go of my hand, and I take the seat she’s just emptied, pulling my laptop forward. Violet stands right next to me, one hand on the back of the chair and one hand on the desk as she leans forward. I pull up my application, scanning through it a few more times before scrolling to the bottom of the page and staring at the ‘submit’ button.
One click, and I’m a step closer to the future that my parents want from me.
One click, and I’m a thousand steps further away from the future I planned with her.
Violet’s hand squeezing my shoulder brings me back to myself and gives me all the strength I need to finally press the button I’ve been avoiding for so long. I try not to think too much about what I’ve just set in motion, the inevitable emails about the rest of the process leading up to interviews and offers, and instead just focus on her hand on my shoulder. I lift my hand to cover hers, and neither of us says anything, both just staring at the ‘application successful’ notification covering the screen.
“There.” Violet’s lovely voice breaks the silence. “Now, that’s one less thing for you to be stressed about.”
I turn in my chair, tilting my head up to look at her. She’s already looking at me with a small smile on her face that doesn’t feel fake at all. I open my mouth to speak, but she interrupts me.
“If you say ‘thank you’ again, I’ll leave right now.”
I can’t help but let out a laugh, glad that she’s broken some of the simmering tension hanging between us in the ghost of my Oxford application.
“Okay, I won’t say it, even though I want to.”
She squeezes my shoulder once again before letting go of me. I keep my chin tilted to look at her, turning in my chair so my whole body faces her now. It feels like I’m praying to her like this, like she’s the personification of every hope and wish and dream I’ve ever had, and I’m completely devoted to her.
She looks away from me, and I’m worried I voiced that thought out loud, but when she looks at my bed, and then at my desk, I realise she just doesn’t want to sit on my bed. I stand up and offer the chair to her. We circle each other closely, both of us taking our seats.
I can’t think of anything to say to her that doesn’t involve my gratitude for her, but then I remember the look she gave me when I was on the phone with my dad.
“Why did you shake your head earlier?”
“Huh?”
“When I said I was staying here for half term?”
“Oh.” She sits forward in the chair, her cheeks turning slightly red in the prettiest way. “I am, too. I decided a few days ago, though. I had no idea you were staying, too. Izzy didn’t mention it to me, but why would she? And it’s not that I’d choose to stay here just because you are or that I’d go home because you’re here. I just wanted to stay anyway.”
She’s rambling, and I have to force down the smile that wants to spread across my face because I haven’t heard her speak like this in so long. I forgot how adorable it is. I decide to take a leap of faith and ask her something that I wouldn’t have dared to do just a few days ago.
“Violet, do you want to spend half term together?”
Her mouth drops a little, gorgeous brown eyes open wide, and I have to catch my breath.
“It would be nice to work together again. As friends, of course,” I add, even though I’d give anything in the world to be so much more than that. But it’s still too early, so I keep the thought to myself .
“Um..” I’m not scared of her hesitation this time. I think we’ve reached a point now where we both want more from each other, but we’re too scared to go for it. So if I have to suggest these things to make it happen, then I will.
“Yeah, I think I’d like that.” She says, nodding her head with a bright smile.
I can’t believe how pretty she is.
I decide to do everything I can to keep her smiling like that forever.