28. Isaac
28
ISAAC
Hearing her say those words and getting that confirmation that she’s back in this as much as I am feels like a dream come true. But I want to make sure that she knows what this means, that after this, I won’t ever be able to do anything but be with her for the rest of my life.
“Are you sure?” I ask, my eyes scanning her face, catching the way her tongue juts out to run across her bottom lip. I want to throw myself at her, but I hold back. “It’ll change everything.”
“I’m sure.”
I think she can hear the words I’m not saying, the fact that we’ll both be irrevocably altered after this. Of course, we’ve kissed in the past, but this one will be different. This one confirms our future and solidifies that we’re it for each other.
This kiss will tell her that I love her.
“Kiss me, Isaac.”
This time, I don’t hesitate before closing the distance between us. It feels like the first time all over again, and I don’t know how I ever thought I could live without this, without her.
ONE YEAR AGO
I take my glasses off to rub at my eyes, dropping them on the desk in between us as I pinch the bridge of my nose. I close my eyes, and when I open them again, Violet is staring right at me, a strange look on her face that I’ve never seen before.
“You have really pretty eyes.” She says, and I hope my face isn’t going as red as I feel like it is.
“What?” I laugh to try and play it off. When I reach for my glasses to put them back on, Violet’s hand covers mine.
“No, wait, let me look.”
She leans over the desk, bringing her face closer to mine than it ever has been before and I take this opportunity to look over her face. Beautiful dark brown eyes framed by long, thick eyelashes. The cutest button nose that turns red whenever she’s cold. Full lips with a distinct cupids bow, the bottom slightly larger than the top.
I shouldn’t be thinking about her lips or imagining what it might feel like to kiss her. I think it’ll change my entire life. But I don’t know if we’re there yet - it feels too soon, but also feels like it should have already happened. But then I catch her eyes dropping down to my mouth and I think she might be thinking the same thing as I am.
“Can I kiss you?”
The words are out there before I can stop them. But I needed them out there to confirm what I’ve been feeling for her for so long. I think I love her. But I don’t know if I’m allowed to feel that for her when she might not feel the same way. If she lets me kiss her and take this step further with her, I think I’ll get my answer.
“What?”
Her eyes are wide, pupils blown out. This time, there’s a small smile on my face as I ask the question because I know what answer I’ll get.
“Can I kiss you, jaanu?”
I love calling her that, love seeing her reaction to it and how it always brings a blush to her cheeks. There’s no other word I want to call her, though. She is my life, my soul, my everything.
I keep my gaze focused on her, and then she’s glancing down at my lips and nodding her head. It feels like I’m about to ascend to heaven. I lean closer to her, hating that there’s a desk in between us right now. I want to be as close to her as I can.
“Are you sure?”
She nods her head again, fully out of her chair now as she leans over the desk. I do the same, meeting her in the middle until there’s barely any space between our faces, both our heads titled and noses brushing.
“I’m sure,” she says, and I don’t need to hear anything else before I press my lips to hers.
In all the books Violet has recommended to me over the years, the first kiss is always described as a monumental moment, like it completely rearranges the characters’ DNA. I never put much stock into that though; it always seemed too exaggerated, and I didn’t understand how something like kissing could have such an impact. But as soon as my lips press against hers, it hits me.
It feels like a part of me that I hadn’t even known was missing has been found. All the stories are starting to make sense now. I get why the characters risk it all, why they fight battles, travel across the globe, do everything they can just for one kiss.
Kissing Violet feels like I’ve been asleep my entire life, and now I’m finally awake.
I love you, I love you, I love you runs through my mind and I don’t even consider pushing the thought away. I’ve always loved her in whatever way I could, as a friend, as a girlfriend, and now as my entire world.
I lift my hand to her cheek, wanting to hold her closer to me, and I wish I was a superhero who could stop time. I want to stay like this with her forever.
I run my thumb back and forth across her cheek, hoping it lets her know how much I cherish her, adore her, love her.
Then her hand is covering mine, our fingers intertwining perfectly like we were made for each other. She’s the missing piece to my soul, filling me with complete contentment and serenity. The way we fit together, hands and lips slotting perfectly together like pieces in a puzzle - I don’t think I could ever fit like this with anyone else. I don’t even want to entertain the idea of it.
I never thought I could feel like this like my entire world could be concentrated into one person, but it has. And there’s no denying now what I feel for her. She’s the love of my life.
I pull back slightly as the realisation hits me square in the chest, momentarily taking my breath away. Then I press my forehead to hers, wanting that closeness again. I open my eyes, but hers are still closed, cheeks flushed so prettily, and her mouth pouted in a way that makes me want to kiss her again.
When she opens her eyes and our gazes meet, I can’t hide the smile on my face, and I’m so happy when she smiles back at me beautifully. My thumb is still moving back and forth on her cheek, her fingers squeezing over mine slightly as if she’s checking I’m real.
“Jaanu, jaanu, jaanu.” I say it like a wish, hope, prayer.
I say it and hope she hears the words I love you.
When she presses her lips to mine again, I’m sure she’s saying them too.
When we separate, Violet’s arms come around my neck, and mine are around her waist, but we’re sitting so awkwardly and it feels like there’s too much space between us still. I stand, pulling her up with me, and then I’m holding her tighter like she’ll disappear if I let go of her, even though I know she won’t. There’s no way either of us can get away from the other now. The words I so desperately want to say to her feel like they’re about to burst out of me, but I hold them back for now.
Violet sighs softly before pulling back, her hand caressing my neck and jaw before she lifts one to push my glasses back up my face. I’m so used to her doing that whenever she wants to kiss me that I drop my head to hers again and quickly press my mouth to hers, like it’s an automatic response. The laugh she lets out is so gentle, and then she kisses my cheek again before placing a hand on my chest, right over my rapidly beating heart.
“Can you stay for a bit longer?” She asks, and I don’t hesitate before answering.
“Of course.”
She smiles up at me, so beautiful and lovely and mine .
But then she takes a step back, and I follow her as if we’re connected by a taut string that won’t let us go more than a few inches from each other. Violet laughs softly before gently pushing me back with the hand that’s still resting over my heart.
“I need to do my skincare, just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be back out.”
“Can I help you?”
I spent so many nights watching her do it on FaceTime, the meticulous routine of cleanser, toner, serum, and moisturiser. At first, it was fascinating to see how much effort she put into it, and my keen interest meant that she ended up developing a routine for me, too. I went from watching her to doing it at the same time as her, following her instructions as she explained what each product did and the correct order. Sometimes, I felt strangely jealous of her hands, wishing it could be mine on her face instead, so I take this chance to ask her.
“Sure.” She nods, taking my hand and leading me to the bathroom that’s barely ten feet away.
There’s no need for us to hold on to each other like this, but I think she’s missed it, too. After we broke up, it was like there was a phantom weight in my hands where hers should have been. Sometimes, I even woke up half-convinced that she was holding it.
ONE YEAR AGO
Violet twirls a pen between her fingers, and I can’t take my eyes off of her. I’m supposed to be studying, but it’s so hard to concentrate when she’s right next to me. The novelty of being next to her still hasn’t worn out, and even though we’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now, I still can’t believe that she’s mine and I’m hers. I lean my knee against hers to try and get her attention, but she shuffles away from me, not even looking in my direction.
“Do your work, Isaac.”
I know she’s trying to be stern but her voice is far too lovely for that, and the way she says my name, a lilt to it that makes it sound like an angel singing, has me pulling her chair closer to mine. She lets out a small yelp, dropping her pen as she grabs onto my thigh to stop herself from falling off the chair.
“Isaac!”
I grin at her even as she tries to swat at my arm, but I take the chance to grab her hand instead. I turn it face up and start tracing a finger over the lines on her palm.
“You know, I’ve been looking up stuff about astrology and palm reading.”
“Why?” She gives me a puzzled look, eyebrows creased adorably as she tries to figure out where I’m going with this.
“Doesn’t it feel like we’re fated? What are the odds we’d be born on the same day, me at sunrise and you at sunset? And that we’d both end up going to the same school, end up in the same class? ”
She smiles softly at me, and I get lost in her eyes before her fingers close over mine and she squeezes once asking me to continue.
“It feels a lot like fate to me, so I started looking up some stuff about it. I wanted to figure out what cosmic entity I need to thank for bringing you into my life. And I wanted to know how to see our future too, what amazing things we’ll do together.”
I run my finger across the small lines on her palm. My eyes focused there because I suddenly feel too shy to look at her.
“This is the life line,” I trace the curved line from the base of her thumb to the bottom of her palm.
“The heart line.” First finger to pinky finger.
“And the fate line.” The middle of her palm.
“And what do they all mean?” She asks, dipping her head to meet my gaze.
I cover her hand with mine and intertwine our fingers together.
“No idea. I just wanted to hold your hand.”
When we enter the bathroom, I take notice of how Violet has everything lined up on the shelf underneath the mirror. She has all her products set in the order that she uses them, and I have to hold back a smile because it’s exactly how I pictured it.
She lets go of my hand, and I want hers back in mine already, but then she’s opening the tap and running her hands under it. I know I’m staring at her, but I can’t stop myself. I love that I can look at her again, that I can be this close to her.
“Stop staring at me and wash your hands.”
She doesn’t look at me when she says it, but I catch the way the corners of her mouth lift up when I follow her instructions. I look in the mirror, and seeing us standing side by side over a small sink shouldn’t be making me this happy, but it is, and I’m smiling like a fool.
She takes the cleanser, squeezing a small amount onto the tip of her finger before doing the same for me. I turn to look at her, and she reaches up to take my glasses off my face, placing them on the side. She rubs her fingers together and starts to touch my face, slowly smoothing the cleanser around, and I’m completely frozen.
I close my eyes, letting out a big sigh of relief at the fact that we can be this comfortable and close with each other. It’s a brand new experience, yet it feels like it was always meant to happen, like we were always meant to be this close.
When she finishes, I do the same to her, running my fingers over the outline of her face, the curve of her jaw, the slope of her nose, her cheeks, her chin. I can’t stop myself from tilting her chin up to kiss her, so happy that she’s mine again. But in a new way. A better way.
We continue like that until the whole routine is finished, taking turns applying products to our faces. When we're done, I leave the bathroom and make my way to the chair by her desk to wait for her. Violet joins me a few moments later with a bottle in her hand, so I ask her what it is because I thought we’d finished all the steps.
“It’s oil for my hair.”
I think back to old conversations with her when she mentioned this before, how her mum would oil her hair every couple of weeks growing up, and now it’s something she either does alone or when she goes home.
“Can I do it for you?”
At this point, I just want any excuse to touch her, to reassure myself that this is really happening and it’s not just a wonderful dream that I’ll wake up from.
“Are you sure? It might take a while, and your hands will feel gross after.”
“I don’t mind,” I tell her because I don’t. I’ll happily stay here for hours doing her hair, live with oily hands for the rest of my life as long as I get to help her with something like this.
She shrugs her shoulders before sitting on the floor in front of me in between my legs, her knees pulled up and her arms folded around them. She passes the oil to me and instructs me on how to do it properly. I listen intently and follow, massaging it into her scalp before running my fingers through the long strands of her hair.
“You know, your hair was the first thing I ever noticed about you?”
“When?” She tilts her head back to look at me, and when I’m momentarily stunned by how pretty she looks, she nudges my leg.
“The first day of school, when we first met. You had those butterfly clips in your hair.” I tell her, still running my hands through her hair. “I thought you were so pretty.”
She turns to her side so she can look at me, a crease between her brows.
“Thought? Past tense?” And I know she’s teasing because the corners of her mouth are starting to lift .
“I think you’re beautiful now.”
I think about all the words in the English language that I know, and even beautiful seems too small to describe what I think of her, inside and out, but I settle for using it now. We’ve got all the time in the world for me to discover new words for her.
She smiles up at me, and I move my hand down to cup her chin, wanting to lift her face closer to mine, but she swats my hand away and shuffles away from me.
“Your hands are gross,” she says, standing up, and I copy her, stretching my hands out in front of me like a zombie as I approach her. She turns to run into the bathroom, but I throw my arms around her, trapping her arms at her side and spinning us so we go back towards the desk. She lets out a small scream, and I shush her, worried that one of her neighbours might hear.
“Someone’s going to think you’re dying.”
“One of us will be if you touch my face with those hands.”
I bring one up in front of her face, and she drops her head as she tries to squirm out of my grasp. We’re both laughing too loud, and I really am worried someone is going to knock on her door and catch us, so I let her go, both of us covering our mouths to muffle the sound.
She drops onto her bed and wipes at her eyes, still grinning up at me, and I take another snapshot in my mind, tucking this memory away for later because she looks so happy and beautiful, and this is already one of the best days of my life. I can’t wait for more with her.
“Wash your hands, then come and sit with me.” She says, pointing towards the bathroom.
I bring my hand to my forehead in salute, and she lightly kicks my leg with hers. I go to the bathroom and run my hands under the tap, taking a second to look at myself in the mirror. The smile on my face is ridiculous. I don’t think I’ve ever looked so happy before.
I go back out to her, and she meets me halfway with a hug. I hold her close, swaying us side to side as if we’re dancing with no music playing. Her head is against my chest, and my chin rests on the top of her head. My entire world is enclosed in my arms.
“Will you stay until I fall asleep?” Even though it’s muffled as she speaks into my beating heart, I hear her loud and clear.
“Of course,” I tell her, running a hand up and down her spine before letting go of her.
She steps away from me and makes her way towards the bed. I follow after her and pull back the covers before she can. She settles in, laying on her side before yanking at the cover, and a soft laugh escapes me as I help her, tucking them around her so just her face is peeking out.
She shifts backward on the bed, leaving enough space for me to perch on the end, and then takes one of her hands out from under the cover to rest it on the pillow next to her head. I take it in mine and lean down to press a kiss to her forehead, her nose, her cheek, and then her lips.
We sit like that for a while, talking about nothing and everything, and eventually, her blinks become slower, and she falls asleep with a smile on her face, her hand still in mine. I wait until she’s deep asleep before I stand and bend down to kiss the top of her hand. Her lips curve into a smile, and I say the words I’ve missed saying this whole time.
“Sweet dreams, jaanu.”