30. Lizzy
After staying through morning rounds and hearing from Dr. Wilks herself that Milli’s making great progress, Cameron convinces me to go home, get some rest, and freshen up.
As much as I hate leaving him because he’s had just as much sleep as I have, I admit I do feel disgusting and in desperate need of a shower.
It’s been more than two days since I’ve bathed, and I’m certain my deodorant expired many hours ago.
I drive through the quiet streets of Seaside to Nana’s house on autopilot, all the while reliving the events of the last twenty-four hours.
The moment I park in our driveway, all the emotions I’ve kept tucked away burst to the surface like a flash flood.
Big, fat, ugly tears blur my vision, and I finally let all my fears flow out of me.
I’ve never been more scared in my life and now that I’ve had the chance to think about what could’ve gone wrong.
Fuck, it terrifies the living hell out of me.
Leaning my head against the steering wheel, my tears flow freely. My chest burns as sobs wreck me. I’m so thankful I called my mom when I did. Who knows what would’ve happened if I hadn’t listened to her. Milli just kept puking and crying, and I couldn’t do anything for her.
I’m so lost in my misery, I barely register when the door opens and strong arms wrap around me and squeeze me tight.
Jax doesn’t say anything; he just squats beside me and holds me as I lean into him and unload every emotion I’ve been holding in.
Feeling his warmth and security just makes me cry even harder.
Eventually, he pulls back to look me in the eyes and asks, “What’s wrong, Liz? Did something happen to Milli?”
Swiping away at my tears, I sob, “No… She’s… fine. The doctor says…” Hiccup “That she’ll make a full recovery.”
“Then what’s wrong?” His eyes fill with more concern than he had for Milli at the hospital last night.
“I… she… I don’t know if I can do this.” The words rush out, and I can’t even make sense of what I’m trying to say. I have so many thoughts swirling through my head, and I can’t keep any of them straight.
“Let’s get you inside, and we can sort it all out,” Jax suggests.
I’m sure he thinks I’ve lost my mind and will be calling for reinforcements soon.
Maybe I have?
I don’t know.
I just hurt so much. I can’t imagine going through anything like this ever again in my life. I felt so helpless, and nothing I did worked.
Sobbing the entire way, he helps me from the car and ushers me to the porch steps. “Let’s sit out here. Everyone else is likely still asleep.”
As soon as we’re seated on the top step, he puts his strong arms around me and pulls me close. “Take a breath, Liz. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m…” I snort. “I’m getting snot all over you.”
“Least of my worries,” he assures me. “Talk to me, Liz.”
“I’m so scared,” I admit. “We could’ve lost her. So much could’ve gone wrong.”
“But they didn’t.” He pats my back softly. “Shhh… You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
“What business did I have thinking I could care for a three-year-old? If I hadn’t called Mom when I did, it could’ve ruptured. And then what? Call Cameron and tell him sorry, I don’t know shit… and may have irrevocably harmed his sweet innocent daughter.”
“Liz, you can’t—” he starts, but I continue with my rant.
“She loves me. She told me as much. How can I let her love me when I can’t even be sure I can care for her the way she needs?”
“Elizabeth.” His voice raises, and his tone is dead serious. This causes me to pause and take notice.
“What?” I ask, wondering why he’s so upset.
“First, you did everything right last night. It’s because of you Emilia’s safe right now.
You were calm and decisive and only had her best interests at heart.
Fuck, you were cool as a cucumber when the rest of us wanted to freak the fuck out.
Why are you falling apart now? What’s this really about? ”
I take a moment to consider his words.
What is this really about?
“Seriously, Liz… What’s going on?”
“I’m…” When I take stock of my emotions, only one sticks out. “I’m scared, Jax.”
“She’s safe,” he whispers and squeezes my shoulder tight against him.
“No… That’s not it. I’m scared of losing them.”
Fuck, is that really it?
“Losing who? You haven’t lost anyone.”
Yes. When I look deep down, that’s the crux of my issue.
“I’m scared of losing Cameron and Milli.
They’ve come to mean so much to me in such a short time.
I know without a doubt I love them. But who am I to think I even deserve to be with them?
Hell, I can’t even support myself. I’m still in school and won’t even have a paying job until I finish my student teaching.
How is that fair to them? Cameron deserves to be with someone his own age who has their shit together.
And that sweet, innocent girl… as much as I’d do anything for her, I certainly have no business stepping into the role of being her mom.
She’s the most amazing thing ever. She’s smart as a whip, and I swear, half the time when I make a decision for what I think is best for her, I’m totally fucking winging it. ”
When I finally take a breath, Jax just cocks a brow and smirks.
“What?”
“Hmmm…” he draws out, and the jerk has the nerve to smile at me.
“Hmmm what? Just spit it out, Jax. My nerves are frazzled, and I’m clearly already losing my shit.”
“There’s so much to unpack in that word vomit of yours, I’m not sure what to tackle first.”
“Why are you smirking at me? What’s going on?”
He should know better than to hold back like he is. Sloane’s my sister after all; I’m sure I’m not the only Lancaster to freak out on him.
“I think…” he starts to say something then narrows his eyes on me. “I think there’s one sentence you need to focus on, and…. the rest… well, it’ll work itself out.”
Replaying my words, I’m at a loss for what he’s getting at.
“Gah, Jax… you expect me to remember what I just said. Apparently, I just word vomited all over you. I’m running on empty and obviously, I’m on an emotional roller coaster. Help a girl out.”
“You said you love them,” he draws out.
“Of course, I do. What’s your point?”
His brows rise to his hair line. “Do you hear yourself?”
“Grrrr…” I growl. “What’s your point, Jax?”
“Elizabeth, you’re one of the smartest people I know.” He shakes his head and has the audacity to laugh. I seriously might rip his arms off his chest and beat him with them. “You literally just said it. Why isn’t it sinking in?”
“What are you talking about, Jax Cartwright? My patience is thin and unless you want my crazy unleashing on you… spit it out!”
“Elizabeth Renee Lancaster… I love you like a sister, but you’re gonna be the death of me.
You. Love. Them. Plain and simple. Nothing else should matter.
Yes, you just went through an extremely traumatic experience, so of course you’re scared.
But focus on what you just said. You. Love.
Them.” He punctuates each word as if he wants to slap me across the face with them.
Replaying his words, I repeat, “I. Love. Them.”
“Don’t you?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I should be with them.”
Jax’s arms flail out between us. “Why the fuck not?”
“So much could go wrong. What if I’m not ready?”
“Liz, you could walk across the street and get hit by a bus tomorrow. Nothing is guaranteed. The bigger question you need to ask yourself is can you handle not being with them? Can you seriously say you’d be okay if he moved on?
Our paths are bound to cross; will you be okay watching him be in love with someone else? ”
“He… he hasn’t said he loved me,” I quickly point out.
“Oh, you didn’t ride with him for two hours this morning. He was equally worried about you and his daughter . Trust me. That man loves you just as much as you love him. I’d bet my best guitar on it.”
Jumping to my feet, it hits me like a bolt of lightning. “I… I need to see him.”
“Maybe take a minute and shower first. No offense, but your eyes are puffy, and you’re a bit ripe at the moment.”