19. Sisters Group Chat
Lizzy:
Uh… Dad is NOT hanging out with Mrs. Rimer.
Lanie:
***
Raven:
Why would you think he was?
Sloane:
Say more…
Lizzy:
Also, a good reminder to us all: don’t just barge in, or you may get more than you bargained for!
Sloane:
Was he in his underwear or something?
Lizzy:
Worse...
Raven:
Okay, back up. What the hell are you talking about?
Lizzy:
Let’s be clear… I didn’t SEE anything… but I can’t unhear it either. (Monkey covering ears emoji)
Sloane:
What does this have to do with sweet old Mrs. Rimer?
Lizzy:
Sloane, you’re the one who said he invited her over. I’m certain you’re WRONG… unless Dad’s into doing it with someone older than Nana.
Raven:
(head exploding emoji) What are you talking about?!?!?!
Lizzy:
Also… I’m fairly certain Mrs. Rimer’s first name isn’t Faye… so there’s that.
Sloane:
Who’s Faye?
Lizzy:
I was out on a walk last night and saw Dad’s garage door was open. So, I walked in through the mud room.
Raven:
And…
Lizzy:
Dad wasn’t alone.
Lanie:
He’s allowed to have a life. He may be our dad, but he’s not dead.
Lizzy:
Oh, Dad is far from dead, trust me. He was having the time of his life.
Raven:
Wait… are you saying you walked in on Dad having sex?!?!?!
Lizzy:
If he wasn’t, he was about to…
Lanie:
OMG… that’s hilarious!
Raven:
About as hilarious as him walking in on Finn and me a few weeks ago. Serves him right.
Sloane:
That’s what you get for trying to have a quickie in the garage when your kids are watching TV upstairs. (eye roll emoji)
Raven:
Hey now… my husband’s hot, and there’s only so much time in the day.
Lizzy:
How do you think I ended up with three kids?
Sloane:
Twins are the reason my tubes are tied, and I get all the hot sex I want!
Lanie:
I get it… y’all think your husbands are hot—as you should. Ryan’s most certainly at the top of my list… But we were talking about DAD!!!! Focus, people…
Sloane:
Are you sure that’s what you heard? I’ve never seen or heard of Dad dating ANYONE!
Lizzy:
I’m still washing my ears out with bleach. I have a very active sex life… I know what it sounds like!
Raven:
You don’t have to date to have sex. Before Finn, that was always my MO. Maybe Dad’s taking a page out of my old book?
Lanie:
I know he’s our dad, but I’m certain he hasn’t been a monk all these years. Gah… do you remember how all our friends used to think he was so hot?
Lizzy:
Ewww… my friends never did that!
Raven:
Mine did. (shrug emoji)
Sloane:
Same here.
Lanie:
Especially if he showed up in uniform. It was most women’s kryptonite. I swear, my fourth-grade teacher even drooled when he entered the room one time. (Talk about embarrassing)
Raven:
So… did you confront him?
Lizzy:
He has no idea I was there… and none of you had better tell him either.
Lanie:
Yeah, I’m not touching THAT with a ten-foot pole!
Sloane:
Hard pass for me… Not my monkey or circus.
Raven:
I can see it now… sitting him down for the birds and bees talk, the way he tried with us as teens. (laughing emoji)
Lanie:
Maybe we just start filling his drawers with condoms???
Sloane:
With our luck, one of our unsuspecting kids would find them first, and he’d have a lot of explaining to do.
Raven:
I for one am happy for him. He deserves to find someone.
Sloane:
As long as he’s happy, all the power—and great sex—to him.
Lanie:
Agreed. If it’s someone worth bringing around, I’m sure he will in due time.
Sloane:
Now I’m dying to find out who Faye is!
Raven:
Ditto.
Lizzy:
Same… Look, I’ve done my due diligence—y’all have been warned not to go over unannounced. If you walk in on anything like what I did, don’t say I didn’t warn you.