Chapter 31
I sit staring at Kevin for a very long time. What is he telling me? That my long personal nightmare is over? That I have my job back? My life back? The life I’ve worked for and loved and thought had been taken away from me? That now it’s suddenly mine again, just like before, just like I wanted?
It’s instantly easy to see the future from this vantage point—the clouds have parted and the skies are clear.
I know what my life holds. A predictable sort of fulfillment, no more big surprises.
It sounds ... so comfortable, like a cozy chair or a grilled cheese or a comfy sweater on the first day of winter.
I’ve been more than a little mad at Tiffany, especially since last night—but maybe she’s moving on because she doesn’t want to be a part of ousting me.
Maybe she’s not so bad, after all. And now I can have back everything I loved and valued before this all started.
I’ll still be pissed at the higher-ups, but I can get over that and get back to normal.
I can remind them all how well I do my job.
I can use my public platform to educate people about cancer and treatment, and use it to help other women.
I can still have that bit of fanfare that lifts my ego and makes me feel accomplished and important in the world.
Or ... I can let it all go.
I can feel relevant because I help people find lost things, and through that bring new business to an old town.
I can feel important by making other people feel important, one on one—something the kind people of Lost and Found have taught me to do.
I can find fulfillment in building a new, quieter sort of life.
In fireflies and the chirp of crickets. In a glass of wine with a man I care for.
I can find out what the view behind the cottage looks like when autumn turns the leaves gold and orange.
And then what it becomes under snowfall—maybe the lake freezes, maybe Matt and I can ice-skate.
And then in spring, when the dogwoods and crab apples bloom.
I can plant tulips and hyacinths in the fall and have flowers come March or April.
I came here ... resolved. And more than that, happy. I came here knowing what I wanted. Why should Tiffany’s decision change that?
In fact, it suddenly seems so simple. Here, I was at times coddled for having had cancer and then, conversely, shunned.
In Lost and Found, I quit wearing my hat a while ago and people treat me kindly, with or without very much hair.
The man next door even treats me like I’m beautiful, and because of him, I see a different, stronger, more honest version of myself in the mirror.
The simple people there, living simpler lives, treat me with simple acceptance.
And when I think of Matt ... oh, who am I kidding?
The idea of leaving him was so horrible that it turned me downright mean and heartless.
He’s everything I never thought I wanted—but I do.
He’s my opposite in so many ways, but it turns out they’re ways that balance me.
And maybe I balance him, too, at least a little.
He’s a pretty balanced guy already, a man who knows what he’s about, and I admire that. I want to be that way myself.
So I look at Kevin and finally tell him, “I’d still like to buy your grandma’s cottage.”
He sits there appearing perplexed. Uncertain. I’ve thrown him for a loop repeatedly lately, but I know this one takes the cake. He narrows his gaze and asks, “What are you saying, Jess?”
“I know,” I answer. “I’m surprised, too. Here you are, telling me I can have my entire world back, just the way I wanted, and suddenly, after all this, I don’t want it anymore. I want that world. The one in Lost and Found.”
He lets out a heavy breath. “Jess, I’m not sure you’re thinking clearly. This is a lot to give up. You have a whole life here.”
I tilt my head. “Do I? Because it doesn’t really seem that way anymore. I have a couple of amazing friends here, but that might be the only thing I’ll miss. I think I have a life there now. A life I’ve fallen in love with, in fact.”
He leans forward across the desk. “Falling in love is ... chemistry. It doesn’t always last—you know what I’m saying? You might be romanticizing it.”
I get and even appreciate his concern. He’s my dear friend, trying to look out for my best interests.
“Maybe,” I say, “but I don’t think so. I feel .
.. valued there. In a different way. Valued just .
.. for me. For the things I do. For the way I am, with or without a fabulous wardrobe or pretty hair. ”
“Jess, I know this thing with Tiffany sucked—you didn’t deserve that. But are you sure you want to give up a career you’ve worked so hard for?”
I take a moment and think that over. I give it its due diligence. But I conclude, “It feels ... like less to me now, like less than it was even a week ago. Because it’s all so fleeting, based on someone else’s whims. I think I want a life where I get to make my own decisions.”
When Kevin’s cell phone rings just then, he looks down at it and presses a stressed palm to his forehead. I’m probably responsible for at least some of that, but I still ask, “What is it? Something wrong?”
He says, “I’m so sorry, Jess, but do you mind if I take this? It’s life-changingly important.”
My eyes fly open wider. Life-changing things are something I’m well in tune with these days. “Absolutely—take it.”
He picks up and says, lovingly, “Hey, honey.” Patrick. And a long moment later he tells him, “I meant it. I’m sure, I’m so, so sure. I promise. There’s nothing I want more.”
I have no idea what they’re talking about—are they getting married? Having a baby? But as I wait, it hits me: Kevin hasn’t called me honey in a while—and that seems like a good thing, like he’s realized I don’t need to be babied anymore.
When he hangs up, appearing at least partially relieved and smiling in a way that makes him look much younger, he fills me in. “I told Patrick I want his Nana to come live with us.”
I sit up straighter in my chair. “What? Kev, that’s ... huge. Beyond huge.”
“I know. But ...” He stops, shakes his head.
“In another way, it’s not. Because it’s not even a sacrifice, you know?
I love him. And I even love her. And I’m realizing that .
.. you think people are always gonna be there, but then they’re suddenly not.
Like my grandma.” I nod, loving Kevin more in this moment than I already did.
Then he adds sadly, “And now ... you.” Apparently at some point in his conversation with Patrick, he realized I’m serious.
He realized I’m moving away—not just for the summer.
“How am I gonna stand this place without you, Jess?”
I give him a bittersweet smile, glad he’s beginning to understand and accept the decision that suddenly seems crystal clear to me. “You’ll be fine,” I tell him.
“I’m not sure,” he argues. “It’s always been me and you, together, through the good times and bad.”
True. This is the end of an era in more ways than one.
And that’s when I know I have to come clean with Kevin about a few things. Those things we never talk about. “I love you, Kevin,” I tell him. “So, so much. You’re an amazing friend to me, and I can’t imagine the last twenty years without you.”
He looks gobsmacked. Because of how we don’t ever do this. But a few seconds later, he manages, softly, “Same here, Jess. Same here.”
We talk a little more, about real stuff.
I confess I’ve struggled with feeling like a burden to him, and he assures me I never was and never could be.
I tell him how mad I was at him early in the summer, but how now I’m just incredibly grateful.
He claims his work life is going to be miserable without me around.
“Maybe you’ll finally start coming down to Lost and Found more,” I suggest. “I’ll paint the spare bedroom and find someplace else to store the lost stuff.”
“My God, Jess, of course I’m coming down. I’m coming down so much you’ll get sick of me.”
“So I can buy the house? You think your parents will agree?”
He sighs. “How could they not? I think you love it a lot more than we do. I’ll call them tonight and we’ll work it out. Only, Jess, how will you live? Financially, I mean.”
I thought this over last night. “I’m guessing property values are a lot lower in Lost and Found than on Riverside Drive.
I should be able to live on the money from selling my house for a long time, which is basically the money from my parents, and I think it would make them happy to know they’re allowing me to follow my bliss. And beyond that, I’ll figure it out.”
“But your house, Jess. Your big, beautiful Riverside Drive house. And your new kitchen! You can really leave that behind?”
This is another thing I thought through long and hard last night, and I’m surprised at the true level of contentment filling me as I say, “That house was my dream come true, and I got to enjoy it for a long time. Now I’m ready to let someone else experience that particular dream while I put updated porches on my new dream.
” I lean forward slightly. “You don’t mind, do you?
If I renovate a little. Replacing the porches would really improve the vibe. ”
He laughs. “Of course you can do whatever you want, make it your own.” Then he glances at a clock and says, “I know it’s early, but you wanna stay for lunch? I feel like we have a lot to talk about.”
“You’re right, we do,” I tell him. “Only ... I really feel like I need to get back to Lost and Found. I have a cat now and—”
“A cat?” he practically screeches. “What?”
“Long story,” I tell him. “And a boyfriend.”
Shock and confusion reshape his face. “Wha ...? What haven’t you told me?”
I keep it simple. “I’ve been sleeping with Matt for weeks and I’m in love with him.”