Chapter 23
I froze. Stopped breathing. Insects chirped in the trees, and noise from a television trickled from somewhere among the nearby
RV spots.
Seb’s expression was raw and defenseless. He looked a little shocked, like he couldn’t believe those words just came out of
his own mouth. And I knew right there, in that moment, that he’d meant it.
His gaze fell to the ground, and his shoulders dropped. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard and explained, “Think
I have been for years. Before Paul and I started hanging out. I left the Wags because I was trying to juggle all these feelings
about you that you clearly didn’t share. I was miserable being so close to you—it was agony.”
“That was . . . we were just kids.”
“Felt real enough. Still does.”
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks again. I angrily swiped at them, trying to understand what he was telling me. Love?
Love?
“I guess when we were young, I suspected that’s how I felt.
Later on, I tried not to think about you at all.
But no matter how hard I tried to forget about it .
. .” He shook his head lightly, and glossy eyes full of emotion flicked up to meet mine.
“Then you came back. I saw you on the beach at the bonfire, and I just knew. I just . . . knew.”
He was wrong. He meant he had a crush on me, like I had on him. He wasn’t in love with me. I would’ve known. I would’ve known
how he felt. How I felt.
Wouldn’t I?
Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God . . .
“You don’t have to say anything,” he told me, shaking his head like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “I know,
trust me. It’s why I didn’t talk to you when I drove out to Harvard last year. We’re in different worlds. You’ve got a megawatt-bright
future, and I have nothing.”
“Seb—” I said, voice cracking.
“You’re headed for the stars, and I’m deadweight. I will hold you back, and that can’t happen. You’re probably going to end up with some high-paying professor gig at another Ivy
League, or some important museum job, and what the fuck can I add to that? Nothing of value.”
I shook my head rapidly. “I don’t believe that.”
“No? Well, it gets worse when you really get to know me. I haven’t told you everything. I’ve done bad shit, Paige. Really bad shit. If you knew, you wouldn’t even speak to me, much less let me crash in your house.”
“That can’t be true,” I whispered.
“Well, it is.”
He was so angry. It scared me a little, just for a second. My heart had a long memory and was still wary of how much emotional pain he could
inflict if he wanted. But when I squinted at his face I saw through the mask to the pain underneath. Very real pain that I
could almost physically feel radiating from him.
“When we were in high school, I went out collecting with Paul,” he said gruffly.
I didn’t know what that meant and shook my head.
“It’s for Big Burg. When people don’t pay up, he sends collectors. We had to get the money by any means. Beat the shit out
of them, steal it . . .” He shook his head and shivered like someone had walked over his grave. “There are people around town
I still can’t face because of what I did to them years ago. I’m ashamed, Paige. I’m fucking ashamed, and if I could take back
all that time I spent running around with Paul, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“Oh, Seb,” I whispered, wiping away fat tears that just wouldn’t stop.
He shrugged loosely, looking broken. “So that’s why I know it could never really happen between us. I know you deserve so
much more than I can ever give you. I know all that, okay? I knew it when I agreed to move in, and I should’ve told you no.
But I couldn’t because I’m weak, and I’m a fuckup, and . . . I wanted you, even when I knew I couldn’t have you. Jesus, Paige.
When we were going to bring four tents, all I could think about was how I could get you into mine because I’m a selfish fuck.”
“You removed the two tents from the Land Rover,” I said, flabbergasted.
“I can’t even trust myself, Paige. How can I ask you to?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that.
“So there. There it all is, the ugly truth.” He held up his arms like he’d just been caught shoplifting. “You didn’t force me into
moving in. I moved in, knowing all this—knowing that you didn’t feel the same way, that we weren’t really on the same page.
Knowing I shouldn’t. But I did it anyway, and if you hate me now, I understand. I’ll move out.”
I was trembling so hard, it felt like an earthquake was erupting inside my body. My brain struggled to process what it’d just heard. How could I think properly when there was a firework display exploding inside my chest?
“Sebastian Jansen, if you say one more word about what you think I deserve or how different we are, I will punch you right
in your beautiful face.”
“Listen to me—”
“No, you listen to me. What if we are on the same page? Huh? What if we are? Does that change anything?”
He stared at me with wild eyes, a fight-or-flight expression contorting his face. I could almost see wheels turning inside
his head.
“What do you mean, Paige? Say what you mean because I think I’m misunderstanding . . .”
Without another thought, I erased the distance between us and craned my neck to kiss him. Hard. It probably felt like an attack.
I just needed him to understand.
To kiss me in return.
But he wouldn’t. He pulled back, putting several inches between our faces. Far enough to pin me with an unblinking, intense
stare. And he spoke in a low, taut voice. “Say it, Paige. You have to say it, or it’s not real. What page are we both on?”
My breath was coming too fast. But if I didn’t say it now, I never would.
“What if I’m in love with you, too?” I whispered.
Seb inhaled sharply.
For a moment, I didn’t know how to read his reaction, but then he reached for me and pulled me into his arms, and we collapsed
against each other.
We slowly dropped to the bench, pulling apart a little but still clutching each other.
He wiped tears from both my cheeks, blinking with dewy lashes as he studied my face. “Paige? What about all the other stuff?”
“There is no other stuff. We’ll figure it out. The past never has to dictate the future.”
“Are you sure?” he asked in a broken voice. “When we were kids and I fucked up, you didn’t want anything to do with me and
now . . .”
“I’m sure,” I said, and with a start, realized I meant it.
“You’re sure sure?”
I nodded rapidly, absolutely certain.
For a moment, he looked so dazed, I thought he might pass out. Maybe I would, too. Then a slow smile lifted his cheeks. He
cupped my face with his hands, looking at me like he’d just won the lottery. And he kissed me.
Tenderly.
The softest of lips nuzzled mine. I opened my mouth to him, and we kissed like we both meant it. Like we were explorers who
discovered a secret door to Shangri-la, and nothing but bliss was in our future.
Like we forgave each other for all the hurt in the past.
It was almost too much for me to handle. When we pulled apart for air, chests heaving, unable to stop smiling, he said, “Sort
of forgot we were in public.”
“Wish we weren’t,” I said, fisting the front of his shirt.
“Yeah?” Oh, the delight in his eyes. “Gotta figure out someplace, because some asshole got rid of two tents.”
“If you don’t take me somewhere and touch me, I’m going to lose my mind.”
“You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed of you saying that.” He held my face in his hands and gave me several quick kisses. Then he grinned at me, dimples on display before looking around the dark campground. “But where? Pavilion?”
“With the dirty showers and that awful lounge?”
“Nope. Well, what else? Going out in the woods at night in a public campground seems like a bad idea for so many reasons.”
“So bad,” I agreed.
His brows lifted. “Land Rover?” Instead of being parked at our campsite like it was earlier, it sat in a parking space near
the pavilion after Seb’s ice run, due to an RV temporarily blocking the road to our campsite. “Not ideal, but . . .”
He didn’t have to convince me further. I grabbed his hand, and we raced to the pavilion’s parking lot like we were bank robbers,
running from the cops and looking for a place to hide. Seb clicked off the car alarm, and we slipped into the back seat and
shut the door. The Land Rover’s black windows blocked out the parking lot light, leaving us in darkness as we shoved things
Jaz and I had left back here on the floorboards. I could barely see anything, only the whites of his eyes.
“I feel like I’m in high school again,” he said.
“Just don’t think about what Benny and Lulu have been doing back here.”
Seb laughed. Then he tugged my arm, urging me closer. “Are you still cool?”
Was I? My nerves felt like they were being jolted with a cattle prod. It was one thing to be in the moment and quite another
to find one’s way back to that moment. I blurted out, “I’m on the pill. I mean, just so you know.”
He made a surprised noise in the back of his throat and choked out, “Good, good. Pretty sure there are condoms inside the armrest.”
“Good, good,” I repeated, probably sounding as nervous as I felt.
“Maybe we should just take it slow and see what happens,” he suggested. “I have no expectations.”
“Okay.”
“C’mere.”
He pulled me into his arms, and we were back on. He dispelled my nervous quivers by kissing a slow, erotic trail up my neck
that lingered on my earlobe, making me shudder while goose bumps raced over me.
“So soft,” he marveled. “How are you so soft? I wish I could see you.”
“Wish I could see you, too.”
Seb shifted away for a moment and flipped on the interior light. I squeezed my eyes closed for a second, eyes adapting to
the golden light, and we both chuckled.
“Well, hello there,” he murmured, curling both arms around me.
“Hello . . .” My hands dared to slip under the front of his T-shirt and trace the muscled planes of his chest, making him
shiver briefly.
Our kisses turned frantic as our hands wandered freely over each other’s bodies, in and out of each other’s clothes. I fell
back on the seat as his hands roamed under my shirt. He kissed his way from my belly button upward, and when he pulled down
a cup of my bra and licked my nipple, I nearly died of pleasure.
My fingers struggled to undo the button on the front of his shorts, and we both halted our explorations briefly, chuckling and whispering as we shifted around on the back seat to maximize the space, with our legs dangling onto the floorboards. And that’s when I heard it.
A dog barking.
The sound barely registered in my head, it was so muffled and distant, so far away from our erotic cave in the back of the
car. Then I recognized the bark at the same moment Seb did.
Punkin.
Seb jerked up his head. We both listened intensely while my pulse thumped in my temples. It wasn’t just Punkin we heard. Someone was outside the car.
Why did we turn on the interior light? Now I felt extremely exposed.
That was my last thought before I felt Seb roughly jerking down my shirt to cover me up, and the door near our heads suddenly
opened to the most terrible, blinding light. Was it a UFO? Or the cops, and we being arrested for indecency? What in God’s name is happening?
The blinding light dropped to the pavement, and there stood Jazmine and Benny, staring into the back seat of the Land Rover
with their mouths open and dueling looks of horror on their faces.
“Knew it!” Jazmine said. “You fucking little liars!”