Chapter 44
The next morning Maggie took Zoey to church, but only because she’d begged. Maggie was in no condition to greet people she
hadn’t seen all summer. But her daughter had missed her church friends and it wouldn’t hurt to stay busy.
So Maggie sat in the pew and tried to focus on the sermon. But her mind kept wandering back to Seabrook. Back to Josh. Back
to that gutted look on his face when she’d ended things yesterday.
At the memory her stomach clenched. Hurting him had been painful. A stew of emotions simmered inside: guilt, regret, heartbreak.
She was exhausted from two nights of little sleep. Tomorrow she’d return to school and begin preparing for the students who
would come the following week. The thought of it only made her more exhausted.
She closed her eyes and envisioned herself diving into a still pool, slipping through the water, all her worries sinking to
the bottom, leaving her weightless, buoyant.
But there would be no time for swimming today. She had lesson plans to prepare—work she’d put off in favor of spending time
with Josh.
She pushed away all thoughts of him and his tragic eyes. He would be fine. He would soon find another woman to keep him company. As her mother had reminded her many times, she was hardly irreplaceable.
When the service ended Maggie made a beeline for Zoey’s classroom. After she’d collected her daughter, a number of friends
and acquaintances stopped them, wanting to catch up. Maggie pasted on a smile and made small talk. Then, using her busy afternoon
as an excuse, she bustled out the door. Zoey talked the whole way home and Maggie was glad to see Pokey in the yard next door,
waiting for Zoey.
Because she had a phone call to make.
Inside the house Maggie glanced at the time. Erin would be home from church by now and Patrick would likely have a new members
class or something that detained him. It was a good time to call. She’d planned to do it yesterday but didn’t have it in her.
Erin answered on the second ring. “Hey, girl! How’s Fayetteville?”
“Exactly the same as when I left.”
“You have great timing. I just walked in the door. Mia went home with a friend and Owen is helping Patrick at church. He’s
leading a GriefShare group.”
Maggie had attended those meetings locally following Ethan’s death. That seemed so long ago. “That’s great.”
“You sound a little down. Aren’t you excited about the new school year?”
Maggie peeked out the back door where Zoey threw a stick for Pokey, who retrieved it and carried it off. She chased after
him. “Not really. I should’ve spent more time on lesson plans and less time on swimming classes.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy every minute.”
“I really did. But now I’ve got the school year right up on me and I’m unprepared.” And emotionally drained.
“That’s not like you. What’s going on?”
She wished she could tell her best friend about Will, about what Ethan had possibly done all those years ago. But she’d left
all that to Josh. It would be hard explaining her reasons for breaking it off with Josh when she couldn’t divulge why she’d
had a sudden change of heart.
“There is something I need to tell you. Yesterday before we left town... I broke up with Josh.”
“ What? But you guys just got together.”
“I know.” And it had been so good. Maggie squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the memory of his infectious laughter,
the twinkle in his eyes, that quirky twitch of his eyebrow.
“You seemed pretty great together—I mean, once I got used to the idea. He must be so upset. He’s over the moon for you, Maggie.”
Maggie gave a mirthless laugh. “Oh, you know Josh.”
Silence stretched out like a taut wire. “What do you mean by that exactly?” Erin’s voice was strained.
“Come on, Erin. You know I love Josh, but he isn’t exactly known for longevity when it comes to romantic entanglements.”
“That didn’t seem to bother you a week ago.”
Maggie winced. “Please don’t be angry with me. I just... I’m overwhelmed with—with school starting and my mom and a bunch
of unresolved stuff with Ethan. I just can’t deal with a new relationship right now.”
“This is exactly what I was afraid of, Maggie. Now things are strained between you and Josh, and it affects the whole family.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“You can’t be that naive. Any fool can see he’s in love with you.”
“I’ll always love Josh. Nothing will ever change that.” Her voice wobbled on the last words. She was afraid of exactly that. That she’d live the rest of her life loving someone who was sure to abandon her when something better came along.
Just like Ethan.
Just like her dad.
“I know you must have your reasons. I don’t mean to be defensive of Josh. I’m just—”
“He’s your brother. You should be defensive of him.”
“But you’re my best friend and I want the best for both of you.”
“I appreciate that.” A beat of silence passed while Maggie paced the floor, wishing she could find something to say that would
smooth things over.
“Can I put on my counselor’s hat for a second?”
Maggie gave a wan smile. Erin always prefaced her advice that way. “Of course.”
“I feel like there’s more going on here. After Ethan died we discussed your abandonment issues and how his dying triggered
them. Is that what this is? Are you afraid Josh will leave you because of his dating history?”
Erin’s words slammed into her heart. Tremors quaked through her body. She pressed her fingers to her temples. Her friend knew
how to cut right to the matter.
“It’s just you and me here,” Erin said. “This won’t go anywhere else.”
“I just can’t do it, Erin. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with a relationship right now.”
“I realize Josh must seem like a poor risk, but I do believe he’s capable of settling down. I wouldn’t have gotten on board
with your relationship otherwise. You’ve had a lot of loss and I want the very best for you.”
“I know that.”
“Losing Ethan was bound to make you leery of falling in love again. But, honey, at some point you’ll have to take that risk if you want love in your life. If you want Zoey to have a father—and I know that’s a priority for you.”
Maggie couldn’t even think about all that right now. “You’re about to suggest I return to therapy.”
A pause played out over the distance. “It wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
True words. Because what else could she do when what she wanted most was also what she feared most?
“Have you seen your mother yet?”
Maggie was grateful for the shift in topic. “She called yesterday but I didn’t pick up.”
“I’m surprised she wasn’t on your doorstep the minute you got home.”
“She’s giving me the silent treatment. She’s still angry because I wouldn’t date Dr. Derrick.” Pokey barked as he led Zoey
on a merry chase.
“Is that back on the table now that you and Josh aren’t an item anymore?”
“I meant what I said. I can’t do a relationship right now—and somebody slap me if I ever agree to get involved with anyone
my mom recommends.” Of course, her mom was bound to do just that, and Maggie’s refusal would cause more friction in their
relationship. Not to mention manipulation, guilt trips, and passive aggression. She could hardly wait. The thought of it was
like an anchor around her neck.
As much as she dreaded stirring up the pain with counseling, it was probably time—past time—to figure all this out.