Chapter 51
Maggie dashed from her car to the office building, clutching her coat against the blustery forty-degree evening. As usual
she approached Harvest Counseling with mixed feelings and a pack of Kleenex.
She stepped inside the office, relieved to escape the cold but trepidatious about the upcoming session. Maggie had been meeting
with Miss Allison weekly for three months now. The sessions were in equal parts painful and enlightening.
She was helping Maggie set boundaries—or at least attempt them—with her mother. Helping Maggie unpack the abandonment issues
caused by her father’s sudden and permanent departure from her life—and exacerbated by the loss of her husband. Also, they
were tackling the insecurities leveled upon her by her mother.
In short, Miss Allison had her work cut out for her, as did Maggie. But already she saw improvements. Setting boundaries hadn’t yet changed her mom’s behavior, but it did allow Maggie to draw a line in the sand and feel justified in following through with the consequences. It gave her some measure of control rather than allowing her mother to steamroll and disrespect her, which had only left Maggie feeling flustered and wounded. It remained to be seen whether the boundaries and consequences would effect a change in Mom. But Maggie already felt less encumbered by their interactions.
After she signed in she took a seat in the small lobby. She had a busy evening ahead with papers to grade and tomorrow’s lesson
plan to review. She’d been more or less going through the motions at school. There were only two more days before Thanksgiving
break, and she was anticipating it as much as her students were.
Another part of her dreaded the holiday. She was heading back to Seabrook for the first time since the meeting with Robyn.
Maggie feared her feelings for Josh hadn’t waned. Seeing him would be difficult.
The door to the office opened and Miss Allison aimed a smile her way. “Hi, Maggie. Come on back.”
“Hello.”
Maggie followed the petite midforties woman down the short hall. She wore her red hair in short waves and dressed in colors
that flattered her fair skin tone. Tonight she wore a moss-green sweater that matched her eyes.
Miss Allison ushered her into the office that always smelled pleasantly of a flower meadow due to the candles she burned.
Allison Brevard was a woman with keen eyes, excellent listening skills, and uncanny insight. Given all the sharing Maggie
had done, she was pretty sure Miss Allison now knew more about her than anyone on the planet—perhaps more than Maggie herself.
It had been scary, making herself so vulnerable, but also incredibly helpful because the woman had a gift. And she was so
very careful with Maggie’s feelings.
Miss Allison settled in her armchair and Maggie took her usual seat on the sofa.
After a few pleasantries the therapist dove right in. “Well, tell me how the past week has gone with your mother.”
“Much the same. She brought up Dr. Derrick again and I reminded her of the boundary. She got very angry and accused me of
trying to control her. Then I told her if she was going to speak with disrespect I was going to hang up. So I did.”
“And since then?”
Maggie gave a mirthless grin. “She’s giving me the silent treatment.”
“And how are you dealing with that?”
“I’m trying not to let it bother me.”
Miss Allison encouraged Maggie and reminded her not to give in to her mother’s manipulations. To keep the big picture in mind
instead of getting tangled in the weeds of her mother’s tactics.
After they covered that topic, the woman asked how Maggie’s homework had gone.
“Pretty good. I wrote seven pages.” She was journaling about her abandonment issues. Each week Miss Allison gave her a prompt
and Maggie completed the homework. It was difficult work that often left her in tears, but it was also a safe outlet she’d
found cathartic.
“That’s a lot. As you delved into your relationship with Ethan in light of your abandonment issues, did you discover anything
new?”
“I already told you how difficult it was to trust him in the beginning. How insecure I felt. How much I feared being left
behind. I realized as I was writing that I felt deserted when he left for college and again when he left for the military.
Then of course when he died, I felt abandoned all over again—permanently this time.”
“That’s perfectly natural even for someone without those issues. But they would’ve hit you particularly hard.”
“When I was writing I remembered how Ethan would sometimes get annoyed with the way Josh and I were together.”
“What do you mean, ‘the way you were together’?”
“Well, not like Ethan was jealous or anything. I didn’t view Josh that way and I think Ethan knew that. But it was so easy
being with Josh—and I think he sensed that.”
“Why do you think that is?”
She lifted a shoulder. “I could be myself with him.”
Miss Allison tilted her head, letting the silence draw out.
Maggie considered her words. Thought back to those days, full of laughter and ease. A light bulb went off. “I guess I could
be myself with him because it didn’t feel risky.” Maggie paused, reflected on that thought. “Ethan used to ask me why I acted
differently with Josh than with him. He once said I seemed happier when I was around Josh.”
“Were you?”
Was she? She thought back. “I think I was just relaxed with him, and maybe that made me happy. I guess it came as a relief
to be who I was.”
“You weren’t who you were with Ethan?”
“I think I was still trying to figure out who I was. My mom’s criticism went bone-deep, and with Ethan, maybe I was afraid
to be myself because what if I showed him who I was and he left me, just like my dad?”
Maggie bolted back against the sofa, breathless. Was that what had happened? Was that true?
It sure feels true.
Miss Allison smiled gently. “Aha?”
Maggie took a moment to let the realization sink in. Blinked back tears. “That one took me by surprise.”
“How does it make you feel, that realization?”
“Kind of bad that I didn’t show my true self to Ethan. But also excited to understand what must’ve been going on inside me.
It makes perfect sense.”
“It does. When the first man you love leaves you, you’re bound to be afraid it’ll happen again. Children often think it’s
their fault, something they did. But as an adult you can see now it had nothing to do with you.”
“I know that up here.” She pointed to her head. Her heart was another matter.
“Going into your relationship with Ethan, you had a lot of self-doubt and trust issues as a result of your mom’s and dad’s
actions. Don’t forget to give yourself some grace. From everything you’ve told me about Ethan, he would’ve been the first
person to tell you that.”
Maggie went soft inside. “You’re right. For someone who came from such a normal family, he was very understanding about my
hang-ups. He wasn’t perfect, but he was patient with me.” She thought of all those months he’d hung in there while she panicked
about getting engaged. They went a few rounds about it because she’d already delayed it until they both graduated. Trusting
him with her heart had been so hard, though that was no fault of his. And what had she done in return? Held back a part of
herself.
“I wish I’d been able to give him my true self. He deserved that.”
“From what you say, he seemed pretty happy with the Maggie he knew.”
“That’s true.” She’d been very blessed to have him in her life for as long as she did. He’d been an amazing man. A wonderful
husband.
“Have you been in communication with Josh lately?”
Maggie’s heart took a tumble at the shift in topics. Strangely enough she was more comfortable talking about her deceased husband. In earlier sessions she’d relayed everything that had happened over the summer. “Just a few texts here and there. I’ll be seeing him over Thanksgiving.”
Miss Allison’s gaze flicked to the clock. “We’re almost out of time, but one last thought. I know you’re apprehensive about
a romantic relationship with a man you describe as fickle. But the ability to be your authentic self with someone is a rare
gift. Maybe you can find your way back to that friendship you once had with him.” The woman smiled warmly as she came to her
feet. “Just something to think about until next time.”
“Sure.” But as Maggie followed her from the office, a band tightened around her heart. After what she and Josh had shared,
the way she felt in his arms, the love that filled her tattered heart... she didn’t think she could ever be satisfied with
mere friendship where Josh was concerned.