Chapter 12
Kristen
He’d picked a restaurant that overlooked the harbor instead of one of their usual haunts, and she wondered if it was symbolic that he wanted to be somewhere that came with no memories.
She didn’t care. She was relieved that Theo finally seemed to be more in control. More like his old self. She’d been scared. She’d started to worry that he’d never leave the house again.
And then yesterday she’d woken to the smell of pancakes and found him making her breakfast in the kitchen. It had been a turning point, and now here they were in a restaurant. His suggestion. His choice. He’d even booked it himself, instead of leaving her to do it.
She was out to dinner with Theo, and for the first time in as long as she could remember she didn’t have to worry about him being called to the hospital. She didn’t need to rush her food, or leave half of it on her plate, or finish the meal alone. She could relax and enjoy the atmosphere. And the atmosphere was special. They had a table right beside the water, which had taken some sweet-talking on his part. It had been fascinating to watch. She’d forgotten how charming Theo could be when he wasn’t distracted by work.
This was the old Theo, the Theo she’d fallen in love with, albeit an older, sadder version.
So here they were, at the best table, gazing at each other over a flickering candle.
True, they were hardly in a celebratory mood, but at least they were together.
On a date.
She was pleased now that she’d dressed up and taken time over her hair and makeup. She’d worn a new dress that she loved, and tried not to remember that she’d bought it for Jeff.
She wasn’t going to think about Jeff. She was with Theo.
The funeral had been stressful and sad, but Theo had held her hand tightly throughout and even though she hadn’t been able to stop wishing that he’d offered that level of support during her father’s funeral, she’d been glad to have it anyway. It had brought them closer.
She ignored the menu in front of her and glanced across the water, watching as the setting sun streaked the sky and the ocean.
There was something about being near the ocean that soothed her. She loved the smells, and the sounds. The clink of masts, the gentle lap of the water as it hit the dock.
She reached across the table and took his hand.
“This is perfect. Great choice.”
“Michael told me about it.”
“Oh.” She’d been trying hard not to think about Michael. Not because she didn’t care, but because she cared very much and was trying to keep her emotions in check. It wasn’t a crime, surely, to try and pull a little joy from dark days?
Theo put down the menu he’d been holding. “I feel guilty being here, enjoying myself.”
Were they enjoying themselves? That was an overly optimistic assessment of the evening in her opinion. They were going through the motions, but that was what you did until finally, one day, you found you really were enjoying yourselves.
“Michael would want us to be here. Michael would want us to be making the most of our lives.”
“That’s true. You’re right.” He stared down at their interlocked fingers. “I know you’re right. I feel—strange, Krissy.”
He’d called her Krissy when they were first dating, and whenever they made love.
And now he was calling her Krissy again.
“In what way, strange?”
“As if this is some sort of bad dream. As if it can’t be real. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again.”
She felt a pang of sympathy. “I understand. I felt the same way after my dad died. I still do.”
He lifted his gaze from their fingers to her face. “You do? I didn’t know that.”
You never asked. You didn’t listen when I tried to tell you.
She pushed those thoughts down. Later, maybe, they’d talk about it. But not now. She didn’t want to damage this new, fragile connection. “It isn’t easy to learn to live without someone you love.”
“I’m discovering that. I’ve been thinking of all the times I’ve had to deliver bad news to relatives, and wondering if I could have done better. Could have offered more support.”
You could have offered more support to me.
Kristen pulled her hand away.
“I think we should order and talk about something else. You’re making yourself feel worse.”
“You’re right.” He gave a brief smile. “You’re an incredible woman. You hold everything together, no matter how tough life gets. You were a rock during the funeral. I don’t know how I would have made it through without you. I’m lucky to have you. We’re lucky to have each other.”
She used to feel that way, but lately she hadn’t been so sure.
All she knew was that she was glad to be here now, with him, with no risk of him rushing off.
They ordered fish and shared a bottle of chilled white wine.
“My mother called this morning.”
“She did?” He raised his glass in a silent toast. “What did she say?”
“That she’d been worrying about me. Us.”
Theo put his glass down. “Your mother said that?”
“Yes. She’d heard about Michael. I don’t know how. Maybe she read something. She wanted to check that you and I were okay. And she apologized for leaving the party without telling me.”
“Did she realize how worried you were?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t think she was giving any thought to me or anyone else on that particular day. Something happened.” She frowned. “She said there was something she urgently needed to do.”
“She didn’t tell you what?”
“No. She said she’d explain everything when she next saw me. And she apologized for being difficult and thanked me for working so hard on the party. She sounded—different.”
And she still didn’t understand it. Something seemed to have changed, but she couldn’t identify what exactly.
Theo picked up his wineglass again. “The important thing is that you had a good conversation. We should drink to that.”
Kristen didn’t raise her glass. She was thinking about her mother. It had been a good conversation. It had lacked the tension that punctuated most of their exchanges. Her mother had seemed softer, more receptive. Vulnerable. She’d asked about Kristen. Seemed concerned about Kristen, to the point that Kristen had almost blurted out how awful she’d been feeling, how lonely she’d felt and what a mess her life was. The urge to confide had been all the more unsettling because she didn’t have those sorts of conversations with her mother.
She’d held herself back and instead they’d talked about Michael, and also Theo.
“She asked a lot about you.” Kristen finally picked up her glass. “She wanted to know how you were.” And now she thought about it, her mother had asked a lot of questions about Theo. Whether he was working a lot. How Kristen was handling that.
It was as if she’d somehow guessed Kristen was having problems in her relationship, but how? Kristen had said nothing.
Theo was watching her. “Did she say where she was?”
“She is staying on the Cape.”
“Why the Cape?”
“I have no idea.” But something flickered in her brain. A long-ago memory. “When Winston and I were young, our parents used to sometimes disappear to the Cape for the weekend to paint. Granny used to come and look after us.”
“Where did they stay?”
“I don’t know. I was young. I didn’t ask. And then I think they stopped going.”
Theo took a sip of wine. “This thing she needed to do so urgently—is it to do with your father, do you think? A trip down memory lane?”
“I don’t know. I assume she’ll tell me if she wants me to know. But I was glad she called.”
“Yes. It’s important to stay in touch with family. Make the most of every day.” Sadness crossed his face and she knew he was thinking about Michael, so she changed the subject quickly.
She told him about an art dealer in Paris who was flying in to discuss one of her father’s works and the private collector who continued to contact her about a painting of her father’s even though she had informed him on numerous occasions that particular work he wanted had been gifted to a grateful nation on her father’s death, and was currently hanging in a major gallery being enjoyed by millions.
It occurred to her as she talked that even though her father was gone, he still occupied most of her life. What did that say about her? She needed to change something. She needed to shake things up. But in the meantime, this was all she had.
She was partway through a story about a postdoctoral student who had contacted her about a research project when she realized she’d lost her audience.
“Theo?”
He blinked, bemused, as if he’d forgotten she was there. “Sorry. You were saying something about Paris.”
Paris had been right back at the beginning of the conversation.
Maybe she was boring him. Maybe after all these years they had nothing to say that was new or interesting.
She waited while her appetizer was placed in front of her.
They’d both ordered asparagus but now it was here she wasn’t sure she was even hungry.
All around them couples were dining and she wondered how many of them were having a great time, and how many of them were dealing with huge things in their lives but trying to inject as much normal as possible. People were like icebergs. Only a fraction of who they were showed on the surface.
How did she and Theo look to other people? Did they look like two people who were struggling?
“You’re finding it hard to concentrate.”
“Yes.” He ran his hand over his face. “There’s something I need to say to you.”
“Oh.” Something about his expression made her uneasy. “What?”
“This probably isn’t the best place to have this conversation, but I need to talk about it.” Theo glanced at the diners closest to them and lowered his voice. “The affair was a mistake, Krissy. It should never have happened.”
“What are you talking about?” Panic squeezed her chest. She hadn’t had an affair, not technically. She and Jeff had flirted and spent time together and maybe, just maybe, it might have turned into something more, but it hadn’t. How had Theo found out?
“He told me that he regretted it right from the start.”
Jeff had told him that? Why would he do that? And when?
Her mouth was dry. “What do you mean? When did you talk to him?”
Theo toyed with his wineglass. “A few days before he died.”
Jeff was dead? No.
And Kristen realized that Theo wasn’t talking about Jeff.
“You’re talking about Michael.” She saw Theo look at her strangely.
“Who else?”
“I don’t know.” She was so flustered, she stumbled over the words. “I suppose I’m finding it hard to focus, with everything that has happened. And you’re not really making sense.”
He was thinking about Michael. He didn’t know about Jeff.
The relief was enormous.
She ate some of her asparagus. “Tell me what Michael said. Was this when you played golf a few weeks ago?”
“We’ve talked about it a lot over the past couple of years. His marriage breakdown was a rough time for him.”
Remembering how Trisha had struggled, she felt a flicker of frustration. It had been a rough time for Michael? “What about Trisha? She had no choice in it. He wrecked their lives. She was devastated.”
“Michael was devastated, too.” Theo spoke quietly. “He never would have left, but she wanted him out of the house. She made that choice.”
Kristen remembered the conversation.
I can’t bear to be near him. I can’t bear him to touch me.
She felt outrage for Trisha. “Do you blame her?”
“No. I’m not making any judgments. Just telling you how it was. How Michael felt.”
“Why didn’t he tell Trisha how he felt?”
“He tried. She wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t get past that affair. And the thing that made it harder for him was that it wasn’t even serious to begin with. Maybe if it had truly meant something, if he’d been in love...” Theo shrugged. “I don’t know. But it was just a fling. I’m not defending him. Just telling you his side of the story. He said he didn’t know why he did it. Life seemed to be rushing past him. Trisha was always busy. He felt lonely. That’s probably difficult for you to understand.”
Feeling lonely?
Her mouth was so dry she could hardly speak. “No,” she croaked. “Not so difficult.”
“But a bit sad don’t you think?” Theo gave a tired smile. “He still loved Trisha.”
She’d never heard Theo talk like this before.
“He didn’t love Candy?”
“For a while he thought he did. She came into his life at a low point. She paid attention to him. Made him feel attractive and interesting. I’m not blaming her, obviously. He made the choice. He was responsible.”
Jeff had been attentive. Jeff had made her feel attractive and interesting.
She was bathed in a sweat of horror.
She felt pathetically relieved that she hadn’t gone ahead with the affair. Nothing had happened. She’d had a few lunches with a man who wasn’t her husband. That was it.
She took a large gulp of wine. “If he regretted it, why did he marry Candy?”
“Trisha told him it was over. That she’d never forgive him. He was trying to build a new life.” Theo ate his asparagus and then put down his knife and fork. “Did you know that he and Trisha were seeing each other again?”
“No. I didn’t know that.”
But it explained a great deal.
She thought of Trisha sobbing at the funeral, distraught. She’d made a speech about Michael, saying nothing but good things and Kristen had wondered where all the anger and hurt had gone, and how Candy would feel hearing all that. It had been a while before she’d discovered that Candy wasn’t there. When she’d said that she didn’t “do” funerals, she hadn’t just been talking about the organization.
“The week before he was killed, he and Trisha had agreed that they were going to get back together permanently. They were going to get married again. He’d bought her a ring. He showed it to me.”
Their main course was delivered to the table and Kristen watched as he boned fish with surgical precision.
A ring?
She didn’t know any of this. Why didn’t she know? Why hadn’t Trisha told her? Come to think of it, why hadn’t Theo mentioned it?
“What about Candy?”
“That was over.”
Kristen was struggling to keep up. “Michael told you all this?”
“Yes. We used to talk a lot. Lately he was happier than I’d seen him in ages. Since before breaking up with Trisha. He said it felt like a fresh start. As if they were on the edge of major change.”
She was stunned to discover that Theo knew so much personal detail about Michael. That they’d obviously had many conversations and he hadn’t once mentioned it to her.
She poked at her own fish, trying to work up an appetite.
Michael and Trisha had decided to get back together.
Michael had bought her a ring.
It explained why Trisha had been so upset at the funeral. She and Michael had been on the cusp of a fresh start.
Life had a sick sense of humor. It would show you your dream, then snatch it away before you had a chance to live it.
She put her fork down.
When you were young you thought life was something you could control, and it was only later that you discovered that life often had a plan of its own that didn’t coincide with yours, and that control was an illusion.
It made her wonder what nasty surprises life might have in store for her.
She stared at her plate. She didn’t have Theo’s talents for boning fish. Maybe she was about to choke on a fish bone and that would be it. She’d die right here, in front of a bunch of strangers who would no doubt film her demise and post it on the internet.
She picked up her plate and passed it across the table. “Could you bone mine?”
His eyebrows lifted. “Whenever I offer, you point out you’re an independent adult.”
“I am an independent adult, but I happen to be incompetent when it comes to boning fish. Part of being independent is knowing when to ask for help.”
To give him his due Theo didn’t question her. He simply pushed his own plate to one side and boned her fish.
One potential calamity averted, Kristen thought as she watched him extract a perfect skeleton, all bones intact. Nine million others to avoid.
“Had he moved back into the family home?”
“Last month, but they’d been seeing each other regularly before that. He used to spend every Sunday with them.”
Kristen thought back to the beginning, when Trisha had told her how hard those days were.
“What happened to change things?”
Theo shrugged. “Michael didn’t know, but thought it was probably that they were both making an effort because of the kids. They were polite. He told me that it was the best day of his week. He looked forward to it. Turned out, so did she. They realized that despite everything, they were still in love. Michael said he’d never stopped loving Trisha. What he’d done was stop paying attention. When things niggled, he didn’t do anything about it. They didn’t talk.”
She tried to imagine Theo having these conversations with Michael. Theo, who rarely talked about emotions. And she tried not to feel hurt that he’d been able to have these conversations with his friend, but not with her. She’d told herself that he just wasn’t the sort to open up emotionally to anyone, but now it seemed that wasn’t the case.
It felt personal.
With an effort, she buried that hurt along with the other hurts and focused on what he was telling her.
“You’re saying the affair helped their marriage.”
Theo pulled a face. “I don’t think he saw it that way. He saw it as a stupid choice on his part. A wild moment of desperation and stupidity. He’d been feeling lonely and unsettled. Instead of talking to Trisha, he talked to Candy. And that was that.”
Kristen’s mouth dried. She’d been feeling lonely and unsettled.
“So Trisha forgave him.”
“In the end. And I’m sure it was hard. The affair meant nothing to him, but it meant everything to her.” He looked at her. “What would you have done if you were Trisha?”
Her heart rate went from a steady rhythm to a sprint.
“I don’t know. Why are you asking? Are you having an affair?”
“Of course not. I just wondered what you would have done if you’d been Trisha.” He shook his head. “It seems like such a waste. Those years apart. Those years they could have spent together. And now they never will.”
What would she have done if she’d been Trisha?
She had no idea. And then she realized she wasn’t Trisha in this scenario, she was Michael.
She’d been contemplating doing all the things Michael had done.
She’d started down that road.
She’d been willing to risk her marriage because she’d been lonely, and desperately sad after her father died, and unable to find any comfort at home. Theo had been too busy to be there for her (although it seemed he’d been there for Michael, which stung).
Like Michael, she might have found herself in a position where everything important to her collapsed because she hadn’t done more to save it.
But she hadn’t. She hadn’t.
She didn’t know why Jeff had ghosted her, but she was grateful that he had. And she was grateful to Michael because in a strange way he had saved her marriage. Because of what happened to him, Theo was spending more time with her. Because of Michael, she had Theo back again. She had a chance to fix things.
Theo finished his glass of wine. “Talking to Michael made me realize how much work consumes me. I’m not looking forward to going back next week.”
She wasn’t looking forward to him going back, either. Even though he’d been sad for much of the time, and so had she, it had been good to be together. They’d talked more than they ever had, and she cherished those conversations. She felt closer to him than she had for a long time. Surely they could build on that?
But in the meantime, they had to return to real life. They both knew it. And Theo needed it, even if he didn’t recognize it quite yet.
This time she was sure things would be different. Michael’s death had shaken him and made him reassess his priorities. She was sure that from now on he would be there for his family as well as for his patients. Even over the past few days she’d seen small changes. He brought her breakfast in bed and asked how she was feeling. When she’d mentioned that she was worried about Hannah, he’d taken her seriously and instead of dismissing her anxieties he’d called his daughter and arranged to take her to lunch the following week (at which point Hannah had called her mother because she’d been worried that there was something wrong with her father because he was acting strangely). Every evening they prepared dinner together, something they’d done only a handful of times since they’d met.
And she knew it was time to reassess her own priorities. She knew now that she needed more in her life. She needed to be more than just part of the Cameron Lapthorne machine.
“You’re a good doctor, Theo. A great surgeon. You’ve helped many people over the course of your career.” It seemed important to remind him of that. “And you were a good friend to Michael. He was lucky to have you.”
His loyalty to Michael touched her and gave her hope.
If he could be there for Michael, she could rely on him to be there for her, too. She wasn’t expecting something that he was incapable of delivering.
They finished their meal and took a stroll along the waterfront.
He held her hand, his grip warm and firm as if he was determined to stay as close as possible to her, and when he pulled her toward him and kissed her, she felt a flare of warmth that she hadn’t felt in a long time.
She kissed him back, sliding her hands into his hair, holding on to him and this moment.
She’d almost made the biggest mistake of her life, but fortunately she hadn’t.
And it was over now. Done.
She’d never have contact with Jeff again.
Theo would never know, and everything would be fine.