Chapter 21
Cecilia
“Florence?” Kristen paused and anchored her hair against the breeze as she studied her mother. “You’re going to spend the winter in Florence?”
Above them the sky was a perfect azure, shot through with tiny wispy clouds. The sea sparkled in the sunlight, the surface calm and still.
“And Rome. Seth does it every winter. He rents somewhere and lives like an Italian for a few months. It sounds perfect.”
“Has he always done that?”
“Since his wife died. He told me that trying to live the life they’d lived together was too painful, like stumbling along being only half of yourself. So he built a new life. One that wasn’t full of things he’d once done with Sonya. His journey inspired me. And it gave me some of the answers I’d been looking for in my own life. This past year I feel as if I’ve been frozen in time. I had no idea how to move on.”
“I wish you’d told me.” Kristen looked tired, and it was obvious from her face that she hadn’t slept well. “But that was my fault. I didn’t make it easy. I should have asked. I wish I had.”
“And I wish I’d asked you about Theo.” The words needed to be said, but life was too short for regrets and guilt, she knew that now. Regrets were useful only when they provided a springboard for change. “Both of us were struggling. Let’s agree to forgive ourselves, and each other, and move on.”
“Yes.” Kristen looked startled by that suggestion and then relieved, as if that option hadn’t occurred to her. “I’m still adjusting to the fact that my father wasn’t the man I thought he was.”
“He was.” Cecilia slipped her arm into her daughter’s, and they strolled along the beach. “He was all the things you thought he was. But he was also human. He made mistakes and bad choices, as we all do. I think loving a person means accepting all of them, even the parts you wouldn’t choose.”
“I think you’re an impressive woman,” Kristen said. “You always have been. It’s just that I never really thought about it. It was just who you were. You get on with things, no matter how hard. You find a way through. You’re an inspiration. Dad was lucky to have you, but he obviously knew that.”
“Thank you.” Of all the things Kristen had ever said to her, this touched her the most.
“Still, it’s a lot to take in. But I will. Life doesn’t stand still, does it? As you say, we have to move on.” Kristen glanced over her shoulder to Dune Cottage. “What’s next for you, Mom?”
“I’m following Seth’s example and changing things.” She paused, unsure how her daughter would react to her next piece of news. “I’m going to sell Lapthorne Manor, Kristen. It’s too big for me, and it’s part of my old life, not my new life. When I’m there I can’t seem to envisage any life other than the one I lived with your father.”
“But what about your beloved gardens?”
“The gardens have been my life’s work, but I’m happy to hand them on to someone else to enjoy. It’s time.”
Kristen stopped walking. “Where will you live? Here on the Cape? At Dune Cottage?”
“I haven’t decided. Not Dune Cottage, although I have some ideas as to what I might do with that. I’m probably going to stay with Seth until winter and help him out in the gallery. Like him, I enjoy supporting new artists. It would make an interesting project for me. And when the season is finished, I’ll travel with him. After that—well I’ll see how I feel.” She was already excited about the possibilities. “Todd gave me a planner for my birthday, and I’ve already started to fill it with things I want to do. We’re going to visit galleries and gardens, drink good red wine and strong espresso. I’m going to improve my Italian. And we’re going to talk and enjoy each other’s company.” Cecilia hoped it hadn’t been a mistake to tell her daughter so soon. “Are you upset that I intend to sell the family home?”
“No. I’m a little surprised, that’s all.” Kristen pulled on the sweater she’d looped around her shoulders. It was early morning, and they had the beach to themselves. “It’s a lot to take in. This place. The truth about Dad. Meeting Seth. Todd and Lily. I feel as if my world has totally changed.”
“Todd and Lily.” Just thinking about them made her want to smile. “How do you feel about that development?”
“I’m happy for them,” Kristen said. “I’m happy for Todd. I could never understand why he and Amelie were together, but lately I’ve lost confidence in my ability to be a good judge of other people’s relationships.”
She’d never seen her daughter so vulnerable and uncertain.
“I don’t think anyone can ever really understand another person’s relationships.”
“Maybe not. I’m very fond of Lily. I always thought she was good for Hannah. Calmed her down and kept her grounded. And Lily and Todd have always been friendly. Whenever she came round to the house, I could hear them laughing together. She sometimes spent as much time talking to Todd as she did Hannah. I’d say they’re perfect together. Although what do I know?” Kristen gave a tired smile. “I never would have thought I’d leave Theo. I’ve shocked myself.”
“I’m sure you’ve shocked him, too. But that could be a good thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, you stop checking in with them. You assume you know how they feel. You stop paying attention. I suspect Theo is guilty of that.” She felt a flash of sympathy for Theo, but more for her daughter. She knew how it felt to be with a partner whose work dominated everything.
Kristen stared out across the ocean. “Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because I knew who Theo was when I married him.”
“You mean his commitment to his job?” She didn’t know the details of course, but she wanted her daughter to know she could talk to her. “What changed, honey?”
“I think I changed.” Kristen slipped off her flip-flops and curled her toes into the soft sand. “It isn’t really about his working hours, although that contributes because it reduces the amount of time that he’s physically present. It’s more that he doesn’t see me. Or hear me. Even when he’s there physically, he isn’t there emotionally.” She stopped and picked up her flip-flops. “I suppose when the kids were young, and even when they were at college, I was always busy, too. I didn’t question my life. But after we lost Dad—well, lately I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. Even when Theo is in the house I’m lonely because he just doesn’t seem to be tuned in to how I’m feeling. He assumes I’m fine all the time. I suppose that’s why I was so receptive to Jeff. He listened. He was interested in me.” She pulled a face. “Except he wasn’t, was he? And it hurts to admit that he wasn’t interested in me at all. I’m such a fool.”
“Trusting someone doesn’t make you foolish.” Cecilia felt something tug inside her. “Did you love him, honey? Are you brokenhearted?”
“The only thing that is broken is my pride.” Kristen stared across the water. “I didn’t love him, but I loved the way he made me feel. For a while I wasn’t lonely. I suppose I used him as much as he used me. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel worse about it.”
Cecilia couldn’t help feeling relieved that Jeff didn’t seem to have made a dent in her daughter’s heart. “I know something about feeling lonely. I wish we’d had this talk a long time ago. I blame myself for that.”
“Don’t. I didn’t find it easy to talk about it. I didn’t even talk about it with Theo, not properly, until something exploded inside me.” Kristen bent down and retrieved a shell from the sand. “After Dad died, I felt so lost. His death left a big gaping hole in my life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to be without him. I felt horrible, and I wanted to fix that because that’s what I do when there’s a problem. I find a solution. But there wasn’t a solution to this. I couldn’t fix it, and no one understood how I felt. Theo couldn’t see how broken I was. How lost. Small resentments that I would have shrugged off in other circumstances, turned into mountains. I couldn’t see past them.”
Cecilia felt a shaft of sympathy. “It has been a difficult time.”
“Yes.” Kristen was silent for a moment. “I’m pleased about you and Seth, Mom.”
Cecilia turned to look at her daughter. “Are you?”
“Yes. It’s so hard to find someone you trust and love in this world. You deserve happiness. I’m glad you’ve found it. And I like Seth.”
Cecilia was surprised. The last thing she’d expected was a vote of approval from her daughter. “I was afraid you’d think it was too soon.”
“Too soon to find happiness again? It could never be too soon for that.”
Cecilia felt a rush of warmth. She hadn’t realized how much Kristen’s approval and support would mean to her.
“Thank you.”
“For what? For accepting what you want? The life you choose? I should have done that sooner. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry for all the times I blamed you for the problems between you and Dad. I feel terrible about it.”
“Don’t feel terrible. I could have talked to you about it. Not at the time, perhaps, but when you were older. I should have tried harder to bridge that gap.”
“When you left the party so suddenly, I thought maybe I was the reason. That you wanted to get away from me.”
“Kristen! No. I was in a terrible state that day. Panicking about the painting, and the cottage. Confused about my life. It wasn’t you, it was the party. The thought of standing up in front of all those people was just too much.”
“And I should have seen that. I should have closed the door on everyone and talked to you about it instead of running around with my to-do list in my hand, ticking off jobs.”
“I love you, Kristen.” It seemed important to say the words. “I’ve been bad at communicating it, but I do love you.”
“I love you, too.” Kristen sounded wistful. “Are we too old for things to be different?”
“I’m about to embark on a new life with a man who is a grandfather, so no, I think I can say with confidence that it is never too late to build on a relationship. And maybe with age and experience we’ll do better.”
“I hope so. I intend to.” She paused. “Are you going to tell Winston all this?”
“Definitely. No more secrets. I plan on calling him when we get back from our walk. I’m hoping he might visit on the weekend.” Cecilia gave some thought to her daughter’s situation. “What are your plans? Where are you going to live? Or are you going to ask Theo to leave?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t exactly plan any of this. I didn’t give it any thought at all. Leaving was an impulse.” They strolled closer to the water’s edge. “But I don’t regret it. I’m sad, but I have to accept that Theo and I need different things. He isn’t able to give me what I want. And I don’t think he’s interested in trying. Maybe we’ve just grown apart. Or maybe I’ve changed, and he hasn’t. I don’t know, and I don’t suppose it really matters now.”
Cecilia noticed the tall male figure, hovering uncertainly at the edge of the dunes.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” She touched her daughter’s arm. “You have a visitor. He’s here.”
“Who is here?”
“Theo.”
“Theo?” Kristen turned her head. Her eyes widened. “No, that’s not possible.”
“Why isn’t it possible?”
“Because he’s supposed to be working. And nothing comes between Theo and his work. Also I didn’t tell him where I was going. How can he be here? Why would he be here?” Kristen looked panicked.
“I assume he’s here because he wants to talk to you. And given that he’s driven all the way here, and presumably abandoned work in order to do it, you should probably at least listen to what he has to say.” And Cecilia hoped with all her heart that the man would say the right thing. “Keep an open mind, Kristen. If there is one thing I learned from all those years with your father, it’s that a bump in the track doesn’t have to derail the train. Whatever you decide is best for you, you have my support. But listen to him first. Take him down to the beach. Sea air and the view always makes things clearer somehow.”
She had a feeling that it was going to take more than a breeze and a beach to fix the dents in her daughter’s marriage, but it was a start.