Chapter 11 #2
“Okay,” he said. “But I don’t think it’s possible for you to be outside anything in her life. She loves you and respects you.”
“Will she, if she takes this…further? How will she feel about me?”
“I love and respect you,” he said. “And I’m about as far as you can go with faith.”
“I know that.” She sighed. “And I don’t dislike it.
I don’t understand it or agree with it, but I don’t see anything negative in your personality that I could blame on God.
” She leaned forward, and he saw the tears she was fighting.
“In fact, I can see that it’s because of religion that you are who you are.
The steadiness. The kindness. The way you listen without judging.
I wanted that for my daughter because Jeffrey couldn’t give it to her. ”
“Oh, the irony,” he whispered with a tease in his voice.
She gave a soft laugh. “I know and I’ve been wrestling with this for days. That’s the distance you felt.”
Well, at least now he had confirmation and an answer.
“Don’t struggle with things like that alone, Kate,” he said, sliding even closer to her. “I’m here. Talk to me.”
“I can’t. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing or argue with you or…or lose you.” Her eyes were full of tears now, the fear and hurt and love evident in their dark depths. “And I don’t want to lose you.” She put her hand on his cheek. “You’re such a good man.”
He felt his own sigh escape. “I don’t want to lose you, either.
But I can’t be separated from what I believe.
The grace and guidance I gave Emma isn’t something I was born with—it’s something I gained from knowing God.
If I’d gone out on that boat and just said, ‘You’re a good kid, don’t worry about it,’ it wouldn’t have reached her.
It would have just been another adult telling her to shape up and get her act together. ”
Kate stared at him, and he watched the truth of it land—the scientist recognizing data she didn’t want to accept.
“So, what am I supposed to do?” she asked. “Just…let it happen? Watch my daughter walk into something I think is—”
She stopped herself.
“What?” he asked. “What do you think it is?”
Kate pressed her lips together. He could see her choosing between honesty and kindness, and he loved her for the struggle even as it broke his heart.
“I think it’s a nice story,” she said quietly.
He grimaced, knowing that about ninety percent of the Bible wasn’t very nice at all.
“It’s so much more,” he said.
“Yes, yes, it helps people. It gives them comfort and structure and hope. And I think that’s valuable.
” She paused. “But I don’t think it’s true, Eli.
I can’t make myself think it’s true. And I don’t want my daughter to build her life on something I believe is no more valuable than a good-luck charm. ”
Ouch.
He closed his eyes and suddenly, the kitchen felt too small and too dark and the moonlight through the windows was no longer peaceful—it was just the only light they had.
“I can’t be the man you fell in love with and also hide my faith to make you comfortable,” he whispered. “If I tried to do that, I’d lose myself. And then I’d lose you anyway.”
Kate blinked and wiped under her eyes with lightning speed before a tear fell. “I don’t want to lose you,” she said.
“I don’t want to lose you, either. But I’m not going to lie to Emma. And I’m not going to pretend that what I believe doesn’t matter merely to protect us from a conversation we should have had months ago.”
She took his hand again and pressed their joined fingers to her chest, as if she could pull him into her heart. “So, what do we do?” she asked.
As much as it pained him, he turned to her. “Listen, I have a big issue that needs me in person in Atlanta.”
Her eyes flickered and she drew back. “You’re leaving?”
“I’m just going to drive up in the morning and hope it only takes a few days.” He gave her a sad smile. “I won’t be gone long, but a little time apart might be good for both of us.”
She looked like she didn’t agree, then nodded. “’Kay.”
They sat there for a long time, hands linked, with no more words left to say.
They stood and wrapped their arms around each other. After a long embrace, she drew back, lifted on her toes and whispered into his ear.
“I love you, Eli Lawson.”
The bone-deep sincerity squeezed his heart. “I love you, too, Lady Katie Wylie.”
She kissed him on the lips, the longest and sweetest kiss they’d shared in days.
With one more wordless hug, she went upstairs. He listened to her footsteps fade, heard the soft click of her door, and then the house was silent again.
Eli sat alone with his tea and his Bible that held the answers to all the questions, but he didn’t have the strength or the guts to look. He might not like the answer in there. It might lead him away from the best woman he’d found in years.
He tried to pray but his well was empty. And the ache in his chest wasn’t going anywhere.
When he got up, he spotted her glasses on the counter and lifted them. “Has she ever not lost a pair?”
Tucking them into the cover of his Bible—the irony of that not lost on him, either—he turned out the lights and went back to bed.