Eighteen
Eighteen
SEPTEMBER 1996
My mother was pacing the small kitchen, her face red and cheeks wet.
“We need to pack, Tess,” she yelled up to me.
I quickly hid the positive pregnancy test in my underwear drawer and climbed down the ladder from my bedroom loft.
“What’s going on?” I asked, trying to focus on my mother when my mind was on Grant and our conversation in his garden. Grant now knew I was pregnant and, once he got over the initial shock, he said he wanted to keep the baby. He even wanted to move to Charlottesville so we could be together. I was a mess of emotions: surprised, confused, excited, terrified. Especially terrified of my mother’s reaction; she was going to kill me. Grant was supposed to leave for Princeton any day now, which gave us no time to figure it out together.
“I was just fired,” my mother said, and suddenly I stopped thinking about Grant and my pregnancy and tried to focus on her words.
“But Ms. Milton agreed to hire you permanently. I started classes here. What happened?”
My mother was pulling out a suitcase, throwing clothes inside. “I have no idea. One minute I’m peeling carrots for the dinner tonight, and the next I’m being told to pack up and leave. By tomorrow. No explanation.”
I wasn’t sure what would happen when I told Grant about the pregnancy, but now my mother was telling me we were leaving. And I didn’t know how I was going to do any of this alone. Even though it had been only a few months, I couldn’t imagine life without Grant Alexander. I didn’t say any of this out loud. Instead, I listened to my mother grow more aggravated as she told me about her afternoon.
“Madeline Milton summoned me into her office and told me I was fired.”
“What are we going to do?” I stuttered.
My mother stopped packing and stared at me. “I have no idea, Tess. The Homestead isn’t hiring anymore. They’re done for the season. I’ve got a little bit saved, but probably not enough to last us until spring.” My mother shook her head as she quietly said, “Things are going to be very tight.”
My chin quivered. Because if money was tight with my mother and I, it would be impossible with a baby in the mix. Despite what Grant said, there was no way we were capable of taking care of another person.
“Can’t you apologize?” I asked. “I like it here, Mom. I don’t want to leave.”
“Tess, if I had any idea what I did, I’d be dishing out apologies.” She leaned against the wall. “I’ve worked myself to the bone this summer, all for nothing.”
She was right. My mother has woken early, stayed late, tested new recipes, managed the other household staff, and fulfilled even the tiniest request from Ms. Milton. We’d both been holding our breath all summer, hoping this opportunity worked out. And when Ms. Milton finally offered my mother permanent employment, it felt like all the sacrifices were worth it. My mother kept saying, “This is our fresh start.” For the first time since my grandmother died, I saw hope on my mother’s face. I let myself believe that maybe we could be like all these people around us. No longer scraping for every bit of security, but instead feeling as if we could merely exist in comfort. But I was wrong. And for the rest of my life, I knew that there was no easy path for girls like me. I would have to fight and scrape for every opportunity. It wasn’t a life I wanted for anyone else.
I slumped onto the floor and started crying.
“Tess, I will figure this out. I know we both got our hopes up, but we’re tough. We’ll get back on our feet. This is just one setback.”
Except it wasn’t. My mother lost her job, we had no income, no place to live because my mother rented out my grandmother’s trailer. And I was pregnant. I didn’t know how we were going to solve any of these problems, but I kept those worries spinning in my head and instead whispered the name of the person I thought could fix everything for me. “Grant.”
My mother sighed. “Tess, there will be other boyfriends.”
“No. I have to see Grant,” I hiccupped.
My mother shook her head. “I can’t have you running over there right now. We have to pack.”
I wiped away the tears from my cheeks. “You don’t understand, Mom. I have to go talk to him.”
“No,” she said sternly. “There are more important things for us to deal with right now. Go upstairs and start packing.”
I walked toward the loft, scheming how I could slip out later that night. I knew Grant loved me. Somehow, we would figure out what to do. I stopped when I heard a loud pounding on the door.
My mother mouthed, “Who is that?” and I shrugged because Grant was the only person who ever came over.
When she opened the door, it wasn’t Grant. It was his father. Richard Alexander was standing outside and a sinking feeling came over me. What could he possibly want?
I swallowed nervously, waiting for him to speak, but he pushed my mother aside and stalked in my direction.
“Mr. Alexander, can I help you?” she politely asked, shifting from side to side. I didn’t know how my mother knew Richard Alexander, but she seemed familiar enough to know that she should be nervous around him.
He spun around, his eyes shifting from me to my mother. “I heard you are without employment,” he said.
My mother’s voice shook as she responded. “Yes, sir.”
“Do you know why you were fired?” he asked.
She shook her head. Richard looked at me. “Ask your daughter.”
Her eyes widened as she turned toward me. “What did you do, Tess?”
“I didn’t do anything. I promise, Mom,” I stammered.
Richard laughed. He walked farther into our cottage and sat in a chair, making himself comfortable in a place that should have been unfamiliar. He had an ability to command a room, even when he wasn’t invited into a space. It was a skill I would never master.
“Do you know about the relationship between our children?” he asked my mother.
“Yes,” she quietly replied.
“And yet you did not stop it,” he snapped. “You displayed very poor judgment.”
My mother twisted her hands. “Mr. Alexander, I don’t see what this has to do with my employment.”
“After her employees were arrested at the bonfire, Madeline knew that she had to be extremely careful with her hiring choices. She cannot have people working in her home who would act so unprofessionally.”
“I’ve been nothing but professional. All summer.” My mother stared at Richard, her eyes conveying some unspoken message that seemed to infuriate him.
“Your daughter’s behavior is a direct reflection on you, and I don’t find her actions very professional. She’s the reason why you won’t be working here anymore.”
My back was pressed against the wall. I wished I could disappear or reverse time, because my mother didn’t do anything wrong. This was all my fault. I ruined this opportunity that we would never have again.
But my mother surprised me, and instead of backing down, she stood taller. “Tess has done nothing wrong. There’s no reason Ms. Milton should question my professionalism. I’m sure I can speak with her and explain. I’ve worked very hard to earn her trust this summer.”
For a brief moment, I had hope. Maybe my mistakes could be fixed. I should have known better, especially when Richard Alexander was involved.
“Madeline doesn’t need your explanation. She trusts my judgment. I told her that you were not a suitable employee and she agreed. You and your daughter need to leave.”
“You certainly are a powerful person,” my mother said quietly. She stared directly at Richard as she added, “And yet you’re threatened by a teenage girl?”
“Your daughter trapped my son,” he spat.
My mother immediately spoke. “Your son is a very willing participant in their relationship, Mr. Alexander.”
I knew I didn’t deserve her defense.
“She hasn’t told you, has she?” Richard was asking my mother, but his eyes bore into me, never leaving my face. In that moment, I realized that he knew.
“What’s he talking about, Tess?” She turned toward me with a puzzled expression.
“I was going to tell you,” I muttered. I stared at the floor, fidgeting, not sure where to put my hands. Almost instinctively, they rested on my stomach. I looked up, my eyes meeting hers and watching her slow reaction. She focused on the hand across my abdomen as a shock of realization took over her face.
My mother shook her head slowly as she said, “Tess, please tell me you’ve been careful. Please tell me you didn’t make my mistakes.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, trying to blink away the tears in my eyes.
Richard stood, pointing his finger in my direction as he shouted, “Your careless daughter got pregnant.”
I shook my head as I immediately protested, “I never meant for this to happen.”
Richard scoffed. “I’ve known women like you. Women who see an opportunity like my son and manipulate their way into a future.”
“Mr. Alexander, I believe a pregnancy takes two willing participants. I won’t have you accusing my daughter.”
I swallowed nervously, grateful for my mother’s support but suspecting that it would be short-lived. Her disappointment would soon take over. All my life, she’d harped on me not to repeat her history; she expected more for me. I never knew my father, and my mother’s only explanation was that she was young and reckless. As a child, I wondered about him, but my mother and grandparents worked hard to make up for his absence, and I stopped asking questions about a person she didn’t want to discuss.
“Your daughter purposefully got pregnant,” he said.
Despite her small frame, my mother displayed surprising strength in front of Richard Alexander. She took a step forward as she spoke. “I’m not happy with the choices our children made. But firing me doesn’t achieve anything. This pregnancy means that my daughter is in your son’s life permanently, regardless of how either of us feel about that fact.”
“No. This is all temporary and easily fixable.” He walked toward me and handed me a card.
I looked down at the paper in my hand. It was an appointment, for a women’s clinic, scheduled for the next week.
“What’s that, Tess?” my mother asked.
“Her solution,” Richard answered.
This was what I wanted, what I told Grant I wanted. I didn’t want to have a baby at seventeen like my mother had. I dreamed of a giant, full life, and that seemed impossible with the responsibility of a small child. Even so, having an appointment scheduled made it all feel too real.
I looked out the window, my hand shaking. “I didn’t trap him. Mom, I promise.”
“I know that, Tess. Only foolish men believe that a person can be trapped,” she said. I glanced at Richard and saw his face tighten.
I walked toward my mother and handed her the card. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“I know you didn’t.” She studied the paper, her head whipping upward once she understood what Richard was trying to do. She grabbed my shoulders. “No, Tess. You are not going to let this man make a decision for you.”
“I don’t want a baby right now. An abortion is the only thing that makes sense, Mom.”
This wasn’t something my mother or I had ever discussed. Grocery bills and grades, yes. Maybe if we had more conversations about the gap between the life we had and the life I wanted, she wouldn’t have been so surprised by my decision.
My mother’s head shook back and forth. “I’m not happy about any of this. But you are not going to be forced into any decisions.”
“She can’t take care of a baby,” Richard interrupted, reminding us of his presence. “And it’s no wonder. Her own mother can’t even take care of her.”
“I think it’s time you left,” my mother said.
Richard turned toward me, dismissing my mother’s instructions. “You and I both know that a baby would ruin your life. Grant’s too. Take care of this problem and I’ll return the favor.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“You have an appointment.” Richard pointed to the card. “Ten thousand now,” he said, placing a check on the table. “Once you’ve taken care of your situation, I’ll pay you the rest.”
“Get out!” my mother shouted. “You cannot buy my daughter.”
“Yes, I can,” he said with little emotion. “You have no job, no income, no stability. I’m giving you both the chance at a future. The only reason I’m being so generous is because Grant is grieving. Your daughter will manipulate him into ruining his life and I won’t have that.” Richard glared at me as he said, “There is no future for you and Grant. But you get to decide if you want to fight for your own future.”
“How much more?” I asked.
I hated the crack of a smile creeping across Richard’s face. “Another ten thousand,” he said.
I remembered Kay’s advice, about negotiating better. I shook my head. “Fifty thousand,” I said.
Richard rolled his eyes, dismissing my demand, but I remained firm. We stared at each other and maybe he realized that I had some power in this situation.
“Fine. Fifty thousand total,” he said. “Ten now, the rest after the appointment. Tell Grant goodbye and then no more contact. Or no money.”
Richard left, making the whole conversation seem casual when instead it was the lowest moment of my life.
Neither of us spoke, my mother and I staring at each other. I remained quiet until I couldn’t stand to see the sadness on her face any longer. I ran upstairs and fell onto my bed, overwhelmed by the decisions, the threats, and most of all the thought of losing Grant.
I heard my mother’s steps as she walked into the loft. The bed dipped when she sat on the side.
“Tess Murphy, you’ve made a very stupid mistake—”
I cut her off, moaning, “I know, Mom.”
“Let me finish,” she said in a sigh. “I’ve also made stupid mistakes. It’s what you do afterward that defines your character. Do you take responsibility and change your behavior? I’m not going to tell you I’m disappointed, because you’re hard enough on yourself.”
I cried into my pillow. My mother smoothed the hair away from my face as she said, “I never should have brought you here.”
“This is all my fault, Mom. We had a chance for a new life and I ruined it.”
She wrapped her arms around me as she spoke. “We don’t need chances from these types of people, Tess. We will start over. We will start over a thousand times if that’s what it takes.” She squeezed my hand as she said, “The three of us.”
I shook my head. “You’re right. It is up to me to fix my mistake. I’m not having the baby. I can’t do it. And that amount of money …”
“Absolutely not,” my mother protested. “We are not taking a cent from that man. It is your decision, but the money is not a factor, do you understand me?”
I sat up, wiping away tears and trying to smooth my tangled hair. “I need to see Grant.”
“I understand,” my mother said. “You two have a lot to discuss.”
“No. I have to tell Grant goodbye.”
“Tess, you need to slow down. There are too many big decisions that need to be made. Don’t let his father control your life too.”
“Grant wants to keep the baby. I don’t.” I swallowed as I continued, “Not just because of the money, which does matter, by the way. It’s the best decision for my future. Maybe Grant will understand, but if he doesn’t, then I know it’s the end for us.”
“Are you going to tell him about this afternoon? About the money?”
I gnawed on the inside of my cheek, thinking about how much pain Richard had caused Grant. And the betrayal I knew Grant would feel. But mostly, selfishly, I thought about the divide between my life and Grant’s and how it continued to grow. “I’ve watched them all summer, Mom. The money doesn’t matter to them. I’d like to think Grant is different, but he knows his father buys his way out of trouble. He accepts what his world is like.”
“And you don’t want to be a part of that world anymore?” my mother asked, her eyebrows raised.
“A few times this summer, I let myself believe that maybe I could belong. Someday. Now I know it’s a place I never want to return.”
“Even if it means losing Grant?”
I nod. And yet I still hope that maybe someday Grant will realize he needs to leave that world too.