Chapter 8 13 Years Ago
CHAPTER 8
13 YEARS AGO
August
I forced myself to forget that searing moment where Wes and I had been pressed up against each other. We had a silent agreement to brush it under the rug for the rest of summer. Things were basically back to normal. The only difference was that whenever my voice trailed off, there was a heavy undercurrent to the silence.
So, every day out on the lake, I kept talking and talking. I had been droning on for thirty minutes about the merits of pie over cake when we docked the pedal boat at Secret Island for lunch. As we climbed up through the wildflowers and long grass, I asked, “Well, should we practice math?” I’d also been insisting our lunchtimes were dedicated to practice.
Wes shook his head. “How about we relax and study? Let’s just hang out.” I wanted to argue, but how could I? He’d spent the whole morning listening to me.
Our conversation flowed as we settled in on a throw blanket on the ground, Wes catching me up on the latest books he’d been reading and his worries about how the next school year would go.
Finally, as we finished our roast beef sandwiches, I gathered the courage to ask, “I don’t get why you’re failing math. You seem pretty good at it and the rest of your classes sound like they went okay. What happened?”
“It was stupid,” Wes said, neck flushed. “I started hanging out with Jake and Andrea after we met in homeroom. Anyway, we skipped math a bunch to go to the convenience store for snacks and stuff together. At first it was fine, but then I began messing up my quizzes and it was too late to make them up.”
“Your teacher didn’t notice?” I asked. I’d never skipped class. In fact, my parents made me go to school even when I was sick.
“Maybe.” He shrugged, averting his eyes. “Up here, they don’t really seem to care if we fall behind. No one has expectations about our futures.”
I bristled at this. “You can have whatever future you want,” I said adamantly.
He looked down, not meeting my eyes. “But what if I can’t get into university? Then I’ll be stuck up here. My dad will be right about everything. He never liked Wiarton. Thought that the people here were losers.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Wiarton. It has the best people.” Best person , I willed him to hear. His lips turned upward, dimples returning to his cheeks. “But I hear you. We’ll put in the work. And then we’ll be able to go wherever we want,” I continued. That’s what I’d always been told. Work hard and you’ll reap the rewards.
So we did. We worked and worked all summer long until Wes was more than caught up and my voice was constantly raspy from overuse. I realized that I was lucky. People expecting good things of me was a gift and I wanted to give that back to Wes.
Wes came up with the idea to invite his friends over for an end-of-summer hangout. As we hadn’t met yet, it came with the side purpose of having an unfamiliar audience listen to me orate.
The idea made my knees shake, but I couldn’t think of a good enough excuse to shut it down. I agreed with one condition: Wes had to take a final math test where Mel played invigilator. Of course, he aced it. When we scored it and he’d gotten a solid 90 percent, he swept me up against him in triumph. I pressed my head into his chest as I lingered in the summer smell of his skin.
Despite days of preparation, when the big day arrived and the promise of me sweating and shaking in front of an audience was suddenly real, I regretted agreeing to it. It was one thing to make a fool of myself in front of Wes, it was another to bring in these unknown faces. They’d be able to spell out to Wes exactly how uncool I was. And then we’d leave for the rest of the year tomorrow. There would be no redemption for me.
By the time we entered the Forests’ house, I was tired, clammy and ready to run home to hide forever. I turned to my sister to ask if we could leave. But before I could get my words out, there was a rap on the door. I was stuck.
Wes opened the door to reveal a boy around his height with deep green eyes and a mischievous smile. Following Jake was his sister, a few inches taller than me and the kind of straight blond hair you couldn’t bottle. Both were dressed in cut-off shorts and T-shirts. Andrea’s neckline was a deep V that would have had my mother shrieking and wrapping shawls around me.
My sister sighed, looping her arm into my frozen one. “They can’t be that scary,” she whispered.
“I know,” I said, forcing a smile on my face.
After we’d said our hellos, the group headed to the basement. I half expected Wes to sit next to his other guests, but he plunked down next to me on the sofa. Andrea’s gaze flicked briefly between me and Wes before she sat next to her brother on the loveseat.
Jake leaned towards us with a friendly smile. “So, you two are the reason that we didn’t see Wes all summer.”
“How do they even know Wes again?” Andrea tapped her nose contemplatively. “I can’t remember him mentioning them.”
Wes looked at Andrea as if she’d grown a second head. Jake’s eyebrows mashed together quizzically. “What are you talking about? They’re his neighbours; he won’t shut up about them.”
Andrea shot him a glare before turning to us with an artificial smile. She flicked her hair so it flowed down towards the low cut of her T-shirt. My thick hair felt even coarser, more knotted, and my body more awkward and diminutive next to her statuesque height. I was tempted to tell Andrea that I also had barely heard about her, but my stomach sank the longer I looked at her. It was clear that Wes hadn’t mentioned her to me because there was no comparison between us. Andrea, perfect and comfortable in her skin, and me, decidedly not.
“We’re just super fun,” Mel said, from her position next to me on the couch, and then tilted her head to the side, examining Andrea. “Actually, I feel like I recognize you.”
“Wait a second, you’re the girl doing the readings for the kids,” Andrea said, her grin warming from arctic to genuine. “I volunteer at the library too!”
“What are the chances?” Jake asked.
Wes raised a brow. “It’s a small town. Chances are high. Everyone is at the library.”
“Yeah, and you love books too. You could have volunteered with me,” Andrea said, a flash of hurt in her eyes.
“Andy,” Wes said patiently. “You know I needed to work and catch up on math this summer.” Her stare was incredulous, and his replying smile was teasing. “Besides, I’m going to be spending all day every day with you when school starts. Didn’t want you to get sick of me.”
“Fat chance of that.” She laughed, mollified.
Jealousy was a sharp bite in my throat. Even though my school days were a blur of classes, studying and mosque, I always looked forward to the evenings when Wes and I would message. I told him everything. But he’d barely told me about Andrea and Jake, and their familiarity made me feel left out.
Andrea’s eyes narrowed when they shifted towards me. “So, what have you been getting up to with Wes over the summer?”
I carefully adjusted on the seat, shifting a smidge closer to my sister. “We studied together. He helped me with debate stuff and I helped him with math,” I said, finding my voice.
The tension in Andrea’s body melted away. “Oh,” she said. “Wesley’s that kind of guy. Did you know he sometimes cooks dinner for his mom?”
I did know, but I shook my head. After that, Andrea seemed a modicum more friendly, since it was clear I was no threat. I was who I always was, the quiet girl in the back of the classroom who people only spoke to when they needed help.
“Actually, before we go grab some food, can Lia present? I said we’d help her with that,” Wes said. He was at ease with them, his hands casually tucked in his pockets. Meanwhile, my shoulders were tight, pressed up against my ears. This audience would not be fun. Wes handed a list of topics to Jake, who leaned back and shared with Andrea.
Her lips quirked with humour. “Do you eat pork?”
Mel shrugged while I said no.
“Alright, the topic for today is why pepperoni is the best topping on pizza. You may begin,” Andrea said.
Of course, she’d picked a topic she thought I knew nothing about. The measuring way Andrea was looking at me made me set my shoulders back. I could do this. Even if she didn’t think so.
“Thank you for allowing me to speak today. I will discuss why pepperoni is the best pizza topping. The reasons are threefold. One: the aesthetics; two: the cultural significance; and three: the taste.” When my voice wobbled, Wes pressed his leg against mine reassuringly, as if he was trying to remind me he was on my team.
Andrea lifted a dune-coloured brow, dropping her gaze to her cellphone. She probably didn’t intend to make it easier for me, but my momentum picked up, since she wasn’t listening.
While we didn’t eat pork, I was well aware that pepperoni was the topping of everyone’s dreams. So many times people had tried to convince me to eat just a slice. I knew the arguments well and I sold it in a rush of competitive glory. “In conclusion, pepperoni is indisputably the best pizza topping.” I looked around the room. Everyone except Andrea was rapt. I had successfully made my case. “Thank you for listening.”
Jake clapped loudly. “Go, pepperoni!”
“Great job.” My sister whistled.
Triumph coursed through me when Andrea said, arms crossed tightly, “I suppose you made your point.”
But the best congratulations were Wes’s big smile and the warmth it brought to my insides.
After retrieving snacks from upstairs, we decided to watch a movie. Andrea, Mel and I outnumbered the boys, and found common ground in picking Mean Girls .
The basement was chilly, and when Wes noticed my goosebumps, he draped a large throw blanket over the two of us. I used body heat as an excuse to let the length of my leg and shoulder press against his. At first, his body was tense next to mine, and then, as the movie progressed, he slowly melted towards me. I almost jumped when his fingers brushed against my thigh.
“LOL,” he wrote on my skin as everyone laughed at the movie. My nerve endings sparked where his fingers danced against my skin. When I peered up at him, his eyes gleamed. I stuck my tongue out at him in response. He left his hand on my leg, the heat sinking through. I was too shy to put my hand on his thigh, but tentatively, I grazed the back of his hand with the tips of my fingers. He let out a sharp exhale, bringing us palm to palm and linking our fingers together.
“I have to use the washroom,” Andrea announced, standing up. “Can we pause?”
Andrea flipped the lights on. Swiftly, Wes and I untangled our hands, mine reluctant to let go. Once Andrea headed upstairs, Mel turned to Wes immediately. “So? Do you like her?”
Wes’s whole face flooded with blood. “What? What do you mean?”
Mel rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean.”
I’d never seen him look so guilty. His eyes swung to mine and then to the door Andrea had passed through. I avoided his gaze as my head rushed hot and then cold. We’d been holding hands but he liked Andrea.
“No talking about dating my sister when I’m in the room,” Jake joked.
“Fine,” Mel said. “She’s cute, though. I’d date her. Except my parents would freak out if I dated a girl.” Mel had told me in a hushed secret that she felt she was bisexual, but as far as I knew, she hadn’t told anyone else. I searched Jake’s and Wes’s reactions, hopeful that Mel’s trial balloon would have a soft landing.
Wes sat up straight, looking between Mel and me. “Really? But you live in the city. Isn’t everything more open there?”
I lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “Our parents are more traditional.”
“Does that bother you, Mel?” Wes asked, considering my sister carefully. I let out a heavy breath, relieved that he was concerned about her feelings more than anything else.
“Kind of, but it doesn’t mean I won’t date someone that our parents don’t approve of.” Her expression lightened. “If they’re worth the risk, why not?”
Jake leaned back against the plush armchair. “Fair enough. But seriously, Wes, man. Andrea would say yes if you did want to ask her out.”
Wes fiddled his thumbs. “I don’t have time to date anyone right now. Grade ten is going to be busy.”
A wave of relief washed over me, but I couldn’t forget that he hadn’t denied liking Andrea. A pit grew in my stomach. Maybe I’d held my own against Andrea today, but soon, I’d be out of sight. And even with his best intentions, I’d be out of Wes’s mind. He wasn’t the quiet boy I’d first met, grieving and cursing the move to Wiarton. Wes was amazing. If it wasn’t Andrea, some other girl here would see it.
After Andrea returned, Wes gave me a crooked smile as he turned the movie back on. I couldn’t help but smile back, my grin growing bigger when he grabbed my hand again tight, the squeeze going straight to my heart. It was too late to stop myself from falling in love with him.
Andrea and Jake’s mother came to pick them up shortly after the movie ended. When Wes saw them out, I immediately missed his hand on mine. I wished summer could last forever, but this time tomorrow, we’d be unpacking our bags in Toronto. The acrid taste of jealousy filled my mouth as I thought of him forgetting about me, disappearing and spending all his time with his new friends.
At least he still suggested I take another tote of books back to Toronto to read over the school year. Afterwards, Wes insisted on walking home with us and carrying my bag. Even though it was barely dark out, we let him. We were delaying our goodbyes by an extra few minutes.
“Why don’t you come visit us this year?” Mel suggested. “Doesn’t your dad live in Toronto?”
Wes’s voice faltered. “Yeah, but I don’t really talk to him much.”
“Why not? Use him for housing,” Mel pressed. She had a good point. If we were important enough, he’d find a way to come down.
“We’ll see,” he said. That was Wes-speak for I can’t. He looked at my sister. “Can I speak to Lia for a second?”
When Mel nodded, he drew me away, under the large willow tree that draped at the edge of his backyard. In the dark, the moon reflected over the bay in an oblong shape, ripples coursing through it. The stars glimmered. I’d miss this. We never saw the stars in the city.
“You know I would come visit if I could,” he said softly, looking down at me as he placed the tote bag on the ground. His hair was rumpled from leaning against the couch, and I suppressed the urge to smooth it. “But why don’t you visit me instead? You guys could stay with us if you’re renting out the cottage,” he insisted, then bit down on his lip. “I don’t want to not see you again until next year.”
My heart leapt to my throat. My parents tolerated Wes as a friend during the summer because there were no other options, but bringing him into our real lives would make them pause. I stared down, feet blending into the dirt in the dark. “My parents won’t want to drive up in the winter. Especially not to visit someone like…never mind…” I stopped, not knowing how to continue.
“Someone like me,” he said. His eyes were grey in the moonlight.
“I don’t mean it like that,” I tried to explain. “My parents can be kind of weird about who we hang out with. They sometimes don’t like it when I hang out with you here.”
Wes exhaled, frustrated. “But why?”
“I don’t know, Wes.” The wind blew against the leaves, raising goosebumps on my arms. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was the best friend I’d ever have. I wished my parents could see that too. “They don’t make any sense, okay? You’re amazing.” He studied me, and I forced myself to meet his eyes instead of staring past him into the night sky. When I shivered, his hands came to my shoulders, holding me closer to him. I was so aware of the millimetres of air separating us. This was the last time we’d be close for almost a year.
Wes pressed me to his chest. I was washed in the scent of fading summer and clean detergent. “I guess we’ll have to settle for messaging, then.”
I hummed in reply and he pulled back to examine my expression. His face scrunched as he searched for words. “I wish you were here all the time.” He laughed roughly. “Or if I’m wishing for things, I wish that we were both somewhere else together.”
“It won’t always be like this,” I vowed. “One day, we’ll be able to do whatever we want. Including never doing math again if we don’t want to.” I tried to coax a smile from him, but his eyes shuttered.
“Yeah,” he said, the word heavy, like he didn’t believe it. His hands slipped from my shoulders, but I impulsively leaned forward and kissed his cheek. His skin was somehow both soft and rough on my lips in a way that made them tingle. He swallowed, stepping away. Maybe I had misread Wes and pushed for something he didn’t want. “I’ll see you next summer, okay?” he murmured, heading back home. I watched him go, taking in a deep breath as I picked up the heavy bag to carry home.
Mel was waiting for me outside when I returned, understanding dawning on her face. “You like him, don’t you?”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “Of course I do. We’re friends.”
“I shouldn’t have teased him about Andrea,” Mel said. “I kind of guessed you liked him, but I didn’t realize how much. Like, we’re only here for the summer. He can’t really be a real crush, you know.”
“It’s fine,” I said shortly. “We’re just friends. He doesn’t like me that way and we live so far away anyway.”
“But—”
“Let’s just go freak out Mom about the pepperoni debate.” I opened the door.
“She’s going to think we ate a pepperoni pizza.” Mel shook her head.
I laughed. “As if that was the worst thing we could do.”
After we got a rise out of my mother that eventually dissolved into giggles when she finally understood that there had been no pepperoni fed to us, I went to bed.
I flicked my lights on and off early that night and got an answering flicker from Wes. Even though the night was calm and the birds quiet, I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I stared out my window until the dawn peeked through, wishing we weren’t leaving.