Chapter 12 12 Years Ago
CHAPTER 12
12 YEARS AGO
August
The summer passed in a blur of lawn mowing and lazy afternoons on the water. I reminded myself daily that no matter how often Wes’s glances fell on me, they meant nothing. He made it hard, though. Every casual hand on my shoulder, blue eyes sparkling down at me, brewed my frustration. After what I’d overheard earlier that summer, I had to acknowledge that the way I felt was unrequited. And yet, every now and then there’d be this electricity that would pass between us, undoing every little bit of progress I’d made.
I kept reminding myself Wes had gone out with Andrea. The thought of him choosing her was a stain over my summer.
To take back control, I channelled my energy into alluring smiles and banter with Jake. Part of my approach was to change my work attire from baggy T-shirts to cut-off tank tops. Despite the liberal application of sunscreen, my skin became a toasted brown that my mother hated, but the colour brought out the light flecks of amber in my eyes. My sister didn’t specifically care about Jake one way or another but was proud of me for using my “wiles,” as she put it. Maybe she’d gotten into my romance novel stash too.
“Are you mad at me?” Wes asked, on a lazy Friday afternoon. We were out on the lake, taking the pedal boat towards Secret Island. We’d both showered off the morning’s labour, but I was still spent and kind of cranky.
“No,” I said, as the creaky old cabin atop a mound of haphazard grass and wildflowers came into view.
Wes didn’t reply until we approached the island, climbing up the muddy edge to secure the boat to the crooked tree. I reluctantly took his callused hand to pull me up. “Why does it feel like you are?”
“It’s not about you.”
“What, then?” His gaze was intent as I stepped back to make some space between us. “Maybe I can help. Tell me what you need.”
My laugh was desperate. How could he help me when he was the one who had me twisted in a knot? I worried that even if he answered my questions, I would end up hurt even more. But not knowing was killing me.
“Have you ever kissed someone?” I asked, as we settled down on the red-and-cream blanket he’d brought for us to lie down on.
“What?” His eyes widened. We’d never discussed this line of thought before. As if we both knew it could be dangerous to our friendship. “Why does that matter?”
My heart sank. “Really? You won’t tell me? I thought we shared everything with each other.”
“Yeah, I have,” he finally murmured, his cheeks reddening. It took a minute for his response to sink in, and then a hollow roaring filled my brain.
“Who?” I asked, pretending to stretch back to look up at the cotton clouds drifting in the open sky.
“Andrea,” he said reluctantly.
Part of me knew it was coming. Still, the three syllables of her name took the air out of my lungs, a kick, a drop and then a punch. I wish it could have been some faceless person I couldn’t picture, or someone sweet and kind that I couldn’t bear to hate. But no, it had to be her. Andrea was my total opposite: modelesque, blond and green-eyed, and so cool that even my sister was into her. Meanwhile, I was still me.
I needed to know more. Did the kiss with Andrea mean something? Had the silence between us meant something?
Wes stretched out on his side, turning intently towards me and asked, “What about you?”
“I’m sixteen,” I said, gauging his reaction. Even though I’d initially regretted kissing Billy after the taste of bubble gum and all-dressed chips permeated my mouth, suddenly I was glad for the experience. At least now Wes wouldn’t be able to leave me behind. “Well, yeah.”
“You have?” he said, his voice halting in surprise.
“What?” I asked. “Am I not pretty enough to be kissed?”
He was taken aback. “Of course you are. It’s just, your parents are really strict.”
I snickered. “Obviously I don’t tell them. Hey, Mom, I’m going to go and land one on Billy today after debate! Make sure you pack me a mint.”
Wes didn’t seem amused at my joke. Instead, he was the one looking away and blinking. “He’s that smart kid on the debate team you told me about?”
“Yup.”
He picked at the loose threads in his jean shorts. “It happened more than once?”
“Twice. You?”
“Three times,” he replied. The words came out softly, but I felt them like an iron poker to my heart.
“You win.” I stared at the sky through my sunglasses. The bright blue was muted into a grey and I let out a breath. “Is that why you were MIA until February?”
“There was a lot going on then,” Wes said. I couldn’t look at him.
“Did you like kissing her? Is she your girlfriend?”
“It was fine,” he replied, shifting uncomfortably. “She’s not my girlfriend. Do you think I’d spend the whole summer with you if she was?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never actually dated anyone.” I shrugged, not meeting his gaze.
He turned to me, his eyes flaring. “I went out with Andrea to a party and then a movie. We kissed a couple of times, but after, I realized that I didn’t want to be that guy and stopped.”
“What does that mean?” I swallowed.
Tension drew his shoulders back. “It means that whatever that was, I ended it so I could keep talking to you. I don’t think another girl would be happy with how close we are.”
“Oh.” My cheeks burned. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“I didn’t want it to be weird between us.” He squinted at the sun to avoid my gaze. A wave of tenderness washed over me, cleansing my defeat and anger that Andrea had gotten Wes first. I took off my sunglasses, popping them on the bridge of his nose. He’d forgotten his, and my eyes burned less in the sun. Without them, a halo seemed to emerge from Wes. “Besides, you can’t be mad at me. You said you also kissed someone.”
“Yeah, I guess. It wasn’t how I expected.” I shrugged one shoulder. “It wasn’t anything like the books.”
“What do you mean?”
“It was wet,” I said. “And kind of mushy.”
He laughed, but I couldn’t read his eyes through the sunglasses. “I guess that’s what kissing is?”
“Sure,” I said. And then, because part of me was still stinging that he didn’t share what happened with Andrea, I added, “He was pretty good with handling a bra, though.”
Wes let out a choking sound and my smile was victorious. “Why wouldn’t you date him, then?” he asked.
I needed to be brave. Digging deep for courage, I said, “I don’t want to date him. I want to date someone else.”
Wes looked out at the crystalline lake. “Ah,” he said, the word falling like a sinking pebble.
My knees shook, but somehow I kept my voice level as I forced myself to ask the question that had taunted me all summer. “Do you think it would be different if we kissed?”
He turned to me, his gaze intent, dropping to my mouth. “Yeah.”
“What do you mean?” My pulse thrummed in my throat.
“Of course it would be different.” His voice rasped and I knew what he meant. Together we’d be earthshaking.
“Maybe we should try,” I challenged.
“No.” Wes sat up, clenching his fists. “We can’t.”
“Why not? Because of Andrea?”
“Lia,” he said, looking straight at me. “Andrea isn’t special to me like that. You are.”
Hot triumph coursed through me at his admission. I met his gaze head-on. “That sounds like we should kiss, then. Why not?”
“Because we live so far away from each other. I don’t want to mess us up.” Wes crossed his arms as if to avoid reaching for me.
A stubborn dandelion bloomed in my chest. He’d thought about this. It wasn’t one-sided, this longing that tugged me closer to him.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you anymore. Not just here, this summer, but also the whole year. Knowing you’re there every day makes dealing with everything else so much easier,” he said.
That was love, didn’t he get it?
“For someone who reads romance novels, you’re so not a believer in happy endings,” I said.
“Lia, those books aren’t ever going to be real. Almost no one ever gets a happy ending. I wish they were real. That’s why I read them.” I frowned at him, leaning closer. His breath hitched. “Besides, your parents would freak out if they found out. They were barely okay with you working with me this summer. Don’t think I didn’t notice how you jump to the other end of the yard the minute you hear someone approaching. You can’t even call me because your parents would hear. They wouldn’t let you come back next summer if they knew.” He dug into the one argument that he knew would get me. “I don’t want to worry about that, about you being taken away from me, not when I’m also worried about my mom and college and everything. I want things between us to be easy.”
My chest banged with guilt as the sun drifted in and out of the clouds and the lake lapped at the island. I’d been so enveloped with how Wes wasn’t giving me what I needed that I forgot what was going on with him. “Wes, what’s going on with your parents? Is your mom’s health okay?”
“Mom told me they’re still arguing over the settlement and custody terms. The first payment for the drugs is due at the end of August and I don’t know how we’re going to afford it. I overheard Mom talking to the bank, something about a reverse mortgage.” His sigh was heavy.
“That’s awful, Wes. I’m sorry,” I said.
“I told my mom I didn’t want to see my dad when we first talked about it a couple years ago, but apparently my dad is refusing to sign the papers unless there are some visitation rights.”
“Why don’t you call him? Get a sense of what he wants?” I asked.
He pressed his lips together. “I haven’t talked to him since my birthday. He mailed me an expensive watch, as if he could buy me. But what we need is money for Mom’s meds.”
I gave a sympathetic huff. There was always a way to figure something out, reach a compromise that no one was completely happy with. I knew from my never-ending invisible navigations with my own family. Plus, a selfish part of me wanted him to visit his dad in Toronto. Because then he could also visit me.
I stood up. “I want to see your watch.” When he didn’t move, I rolled my eyes. There was one foolproof way off the island. “Wes, I have to pee and I am not peeing on this island. Unless you want to hold the blanket up so I have some privacy. But it’s not my fault if it gets on your foot.”
When I emerged from the washroom, Wes stood there holding out his wrist for me to examine, his mouth set in a stubborn frown.
I took his arm, inspecting the watch. The shiny metal band and the emblem of Omega decorated the timepiece. “This is an expensive watch. You could sell it if you don’t want it.”
“It’s a guilt watch. He got my name engraved on it.” Wes scuffed his foot.
I suppressed the urge to press the back of his hand against my cheek in reassurance. Releasing a long breath, I dropped his hand reluctantly. “You should call your dad and ask him why things are taking so long,” I said. Wes’s jaw tightened. “No, seriously. I’ll be right beside you and we can hang up or use my cell for prank calls if it goes poorly.”
He gave me a faint glimmer of a smile as he pulled off the expensive watch, strapping his old Casio back on. “Like you’d do a prank call.”
“I would if your dad was being an asshole.”
“Fine,” he said, pulling out his cellphone. “I bet he won’t pick up.”
We waited as the phone rang.
“Wesley?” Wes’s dad said. His voice was deep and rumbling, not quite imposing, but certainly not welcoming.
Wes froze, deer in headlights. I gestured encouragingly. “Hi, Dad. I was wondering if you had time to talk,” he said.
“I’m at work, but yes, is it important?”
I nodded emphatically, taking Wes’s hand in mine, giving it a light squeeze. “Yes,” he said. His shoulders climbed to his ears as he asked, “Dad, why aren’t you and Mom divorced yet?”
“I shouldn’t be talking about this with you. Your mother doesn’t want you to be a part of our discussions, but I think you should be. Is it really so bad for you to see your old man a couple times a year?”
Wes’s back stiffened. Maybe it would be, but it would be worse if his mom couldn’t afford her drugs. I shook my head.
“Maybe not,” Wes said.
“It’s only natural for a man to want to help shape his son,” Wes’s father continued. “It’s not like I’ve done anything wrong.”
Other than cheating on his wife and abandoning his family, nothing at all.
“You left us here alone, Dad.” Wes’s fingers tightened on the phone. I came closer to him, pressing my head against his shoulder to steady him.
“I never wanted you to stay behind. You need to come to Toronto more often, broaden your horizons.”
Wes’s neck tensed. I pulled out my cellphone, typing a message for Wes to read.
“I think that could be something we can explore,” Wes said, reading off my phone. “Unfortunately, right now, I’m needing to work most weekends and after school to get set up for college.”
“We can deal with that,” his father said confidently. “Tuition won’t be a concern for you, I’ve been doing well at work. We can chat about it when you visit me.”
I typed frantically. This was big.
Hope bloomed on Wes’s face, his shoulders coming down from his ears, but he kept his voice tight. “That sounds great, Dad. But we’ll need something in writing, you know, for Mom.”
“Sure,” his dad said. “So what do you say to six weekends a year?”
Victory surged in me. Being able to use my words to help Wes made me feel useful. Maybe one day I’d be able to do this for other people too.
“Three,” Wes said.
“Fine.” His dad sounded bored with the conversation. “I’ll have my lawyer send your mother an agreement.”
Hearing his tone shifted my mindset. Maybe a small, optimistic portion of me had thought that Wes’s dad would be more like my own, instead of a shark walking on land. Maybe I’d made a mistake encouraging this reconnection.
But after he got off the phone, Wes looked at me with appreciation, wiping away my worries. “Thank you,” he said, reeling me in by my wrist. “I can’t believe this might actually get sorted.”
“I know,” I told him. “I have a good feeling about it.”
“You make the hard things easier, Lia,” he said, smiling big, dimples in both cheeks.
“I like helping you,” I said.
“You’re incredible,” he replied. Wes pulled me closer to him, until his forehead came down to rest against mine, his arms around me, pulling me in by the small of my back. Our nearness crackled with electricity.
He was so close that I could feel his breath on my cheeks. My eyes dropped to his mouth, the indent of his top lip. My heart pounded, blood rushing through me. Words couldn’t express how I felt about him.
I leaned forward, breaching the barrier of atoms separating us. A snared vine in me released in relief as I brushed my lips against his. His arms locked tighter around me, his pulse picking up speed. I could feel his earlier reluctance melting away as he kissed me back. He tasted like fresh mint, with the faintest trace of sweet cherry candy. This was so different from anything I’d experienced.
“Is this okay?” he murmured. I nodded swiftly, barely breathing. Longing pushed me closer, our tongues tangling, my hands digging into his hair, his grip tightening at my hips as he let out a desperate sound I’d never heard from him before. My thoughts evaporated. All I felt was Wes, all over me, his hands edging under my tank top, cool against the skin of my hot back.
Our kiss didn’t feel friendship-ruining. It was inevitable, like the change of the tide with the moon. I shivered at the realization.
Wes felt my tremble and pulled back, mistaking it for reluctance. “I’m sorry, I got carried away,” he said to my feet.
I didn’t want to hear his apologies. My arms fell to my side as I untangled myself from him, the rush of air cool between us. “It’s okay,” I said. “I didn’t mind.”
Widening my eyes, I willed him to understand that I wanted to do it again. And again and again.
“Lia, we shouldn’t have done that.” He gulped. “It was a mistake.”
My heart sank low under the sea until the high of the kiss was drowned with disappointment.
He held my chin, applying gentle pressure so that I would look up at him. “You mean everything to me, Lia. I don’t want to mess things up and lose you.”
“You wouldn’t lose me,” I said fiercely. “Nothing could make that happen.”
“I want to believe that,” he whispered. “But everyone I know, their relationships have crumbled. I don’t want that to be us. Can we forget this ever happened? Can we just be friends?”
I shook my head tightly, biting back the bile in my throat. I didn’t want to be just friends with Wes, where we went about our lives kissing other people.
“There’s so much to worry about, Lia. I don’t want to worry about us too,” he whispered, his face twisting with agony. “Please don’t be mad at me. I’d do anything for you.”
Except kiss me.
“Fine,” I said darkly. “But I don’t want to hear again about how this was a mistake.” I blinked back hard, to keep the sting of moisture behind my eyes.