Chapter 30 – Kian
Chapter Thirty
KIAN
Icrash onto the settee in Alex’s rooms, groaning loudly. The Shadow was sloppy tonight, my argument with Raelyn from days ago still ruminating, distracting me.
Alex throws a damp towel at me. “The least you can do is wipe the blood off before you ruin my settee permanently.”
“Shit. Sorry, Alex.” I sit up and clean my face before rubbing the towel along my arms and hands, trying to get all the dirt and blood off.
“Don’t you think we’ve done enough for a few days?” he asks as he pours me a drink and brings it over. He collapses onto the leather chair next to me, knocking back a drink of his own. “You’ve been running us both ragged. I don’t think I’ve had a decent night’s sleep since before you got married.”
I take a sip of the amber liquid and relish the burn as it slides down my throat. “Sorry for continuing to drag you into this. I just—I need to do something, and sleeping in my wing is obviously not an option.”
Alex snorts. “Says you. I see the way she looks at you. I bet she’d happily invite you back to her bed.”
I don’t know what I’d do if I found myself waking up with her in my arms again, not that she’d welcome me. Well, that, and I couldn’t very well show up battered and bloodied in the middle of the night after one of my escapades.
“That wasn’t our agreement, and clearly, she thinks I’m just as much a waste of space as my father does.”
“So instead of figuring things out with your wife, you’re staying out all hours of the night, getting beat up by the extra guards your father has put on every single caravan and shipment coming our way? Sounds rational.”
I shake my head and drain my glass. “Never said it was rational. At this rate, she probably thinks I have an entire group of women I’m spending all my time with instead of her.”
“Why don’t you just tell her about your work as the Shadow?” Alex asks. “Surely she would keep your secret, especially with you keeping hers about her questionable parentage. It’s mutually assured destruction—beneficial to you both not to share.”
“As if I would share her secret with my father.”
Alex shrugs. “I just think she’s cleverer than you think. Better you come clean before she finds out for herself how you actually spend your evenings.”
“But once again, Alex, need I remind you that her knowing also puts her in danger? It’s bad enough that you know what’s going on. I’m just hoping you’re a good enough liar if I ever do get caught.”
“You care about her,” Alex says matter-of-factly.
Maybe I do. Maybe I always have.
“Did I ever tell you that I knew her before this season?” I say miserably. “And for some reason, she doesn’t remember.”
“What are you talking about?” Alex frowns as he pours me another drink.
“I have met her many times over the years, and every time, she forgets me.”
Alex laughs. “How is that even possible?”
I shrug. “I wish I knew. There’s something about her . . . I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there are things she’s not telling me.”
“Have you asked her?”
“No.”
“Of course you haven’t. Don’t you know that communication is an important skill in relationships?”
I laugh bitterly. “Not when you have secrets. Secrets that can get you and everyone you care about killed.”
“Tell me about her,” Alex prods.
“Fine.” I blow out a breath and recount the story of the first time I met Raelyn.
“I always thought it strange that it took so long for me to see her again. I remember asking Father when we could go back, and he just went on a rant about how overprotective Lord Astoria is. My stunt taking her out to the garden was not appreciated.”
“You didn’t know about her sun allergy,” Alex says. “You were just a kid.”
“I don’t believe she even has one,” I grumble. “Rae’s father is clearly hiding something, especially with that so-called tonic he was making her drink.”
“Is she doing any better?” Alex asks.
I shrug. “I’ve been avoiding her, as you know, other than the few court appearances we’ve made at luncheons with Father and some of the lords and ladies. We haven’t tried to go outside again, but I believe she is weaning herself off her tonic.”
Alex pours me another drink. “I know you’re not hung up over the girl because of one encounter when you were nine.”
I snort a laugh. “True. But each time I saw her after that, I only liked her more.”
11 YEARS AGO
“I can hardly believe you’re getting married today,” I tease Colin as his valet fusses over his cravat.
“Just doing my duty, little brother,” he says, but there’s a pleased glint in his eyes.
“We haven’t seen Princess Juliana in at least five years,” I muse.
“At least I got to meet her once before our binding ceremony,” Colin says, then he glares at me from where I lounge haphazardly on a brown leather chair. “Get off your ass, Kian. You’re wrinkling your jacket.”
I groan. “Fine.” I walk over to the fancy liquor cart in Colin’s room and sniff at all the bottles. “Do you want something?”
“Pour me a finger of the golden one,” he says.
I don’t completely get what he likes about the stuff, but he keeps telling me I’ll like it eventually too. I’d much rather work on my sword skills, and the fancy liquors just seem to make me tired and lazy, so I usually don’t drink.
After pouring some in a glass for him and deciding to try some myself, I walk over with the tumblers.
“Here’s to your binding,” I say, clinking my glass with his.
“To binding,” he repeats.
I down the liquor and wince at the burn of it. “Damn, Colin. How do you drink this shit?”
Colin winks. “Slowly.”
“Are you feeling nervous?” I ask, even as the soft buzz of alcohol starts to work its way through my system.
“Nah,” he says. “I always knew this was coming. I’ve been betrothed for so long, the idea of wanting something different never even crossed my mind.”
I shake my head, not quite believing him. “I don’t like being told what to do.”
“No shit, Ki. Just be glad Father never arranged one for you. You have time to just live . . . to experiment. See what life is like outside of court.”
There it is. The not-so-hidden longing in his voice. I might have a little more freedom than he does, but so many aspects of our lives were decided for us before we could even speak.
“I think, after losing Mother . . .” I choke. I hate that it still hurts as much as it does. It’s only been two years, but it feels like a lifetime.
Colin places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “I miss her too. Father hasn’t been the same.”
I nod. Yes, Father has been lost to his grief, but it also derailed all his plans for arranging a marriage for me.
He’s held it as a threat over my head for as long as I can remember, but now he just doesn’t care.
As long as Colin is married and secures an heir, everything is fine.
My life and subsequent marriage don’t matter.
Besides, I’m only seventeen. I’m in no rush to settle down.
“You’ll have your pick of girls at court when you’re eligible to marry in a few months,” Colin winks.
“Fuck, don’t remind me.”
He laughs. “Mother would kill you for that language.”
“As if you’re any better.”
He shakes his head, ignoring my comment, his brows drawn together in what I recognize as anxiety. “I suppose it’s time to go.”
The herald announces the two of us, and we march down the velvet-draped aisle littered with golden rose petals.
My gaze snags on Lord Astoria seated halfway down the aisle.
Seated next to him is her . . . the girl who has been almost an obsession of mine despite my not seeing her for four long years.
She must be about sixteen now. Her younger siblings are seated next to her, all with the darkest of hair, making her auburn locks stand out like fire.
I almost trip, and Colin grabs my arm to steady me. “Eyes up front, Ki. This is not the time to get distracted.”
The ceremony passes in a blur of speeches and vows. When the room erupts into cheers as Colin and Juliana hold their arms high, showing off their new binding marks, I sigh with relief. With the gods’ blessing, surely it means prosperity for our realm.
The sun dips below the windows, and the room dims to its candle-lit glow. Now, it’s time to feast . . . and with a little luck, I can reacquaint myself with Lady Raelyn. Does she ever think of our afternoon adventure nine years ago, or the one time Father finally allowed me to visit after that?
The king leads the procession to the grand dining hall and ballrooms, and the hallways are already filled to the brim with all the lords and ladies who were unable to fit in the temple, waving golden ribbons and shouting their well-wishes as we make our way to the rest of the celebration.
“Congratulations, brother.” I clink my glass of bubbly wine with his as the feast commences.
“Thank you, Kian,” he replies, knocking back his entire drink in one sip. “For a moment there, I wasn’t sure if the gods were going to bless us,” he admits.
I glance at the shimmering band around his arm and shudder. “Seems funny to imagine the gods even care about our marriages at all.”
He chuckles and nods at his brand-new sister-in-law seated next to her mother. “Maybe Father will arrange a marriage with Princess Helene and you can stay unmarried for at least the next decade before worrying about your binding ceremony.”
My nose wrinkles in disgust. “She’s a child, Colin. What is wrong with you?”
He shrugs. “I was betrothed when I was a child.”
I shake my head and roll my eyes. “You better not put any ideas in Father’s head. I mean it.”
Colin raises his hands in mock surrender. “Fine, fine, but at some point, you will need to find a wife and settle down. It’s part of being royal.”
I take a sip of my sparkling wine and hum my acknowledgment, all while my eyes eagerly search the rows of tables, looking for the fiery hair and jade eyes of the girl I can’t stop thinking about, especially now that I know she’s here.