Chapter 17
Lila hadn’t felt truly cold in so long. In fact, she couldn’t even remember the last time her body had this kind of reaction. And it was the start of spring, the snow should have all but disappeared, and the weather was warming more and more as each night passed. But the chill Lila felt was bone deep, and her limbs were shivering even as she wore the coat, Ambrose had given her, and as her body pressed against him. Even as she knew the temperature outside didn’t match the tundra she felt in her skin.
She tried to conjure the familiar warmth within. Thinking of how she was finally safe and okay. Ambrose was hurt. Rebekkah was hurt. She was hurt. Healing them would help, especially if the strigoi caught up to them.
But not a lick of warmth came to her.
She felt . . . tainted. And she couldn’t remember if it was because someone had tainted her, or if the collar just zapped away all her power.
After a while of flying, Rebekkah and Ambrose landed in the thick of trees, keeping to the ground for coverage. It was nearing the early morning hours when the crows finally reported to Ambrose the strigoi had stopped following them, and a few hours later when they found a cave for them to rest during the day. And all throughout, as Ambrose held her, Lila felt further from herself than she ever had.
She didn’t know how to act with Ambrose. Why was everything so damned awkward? Why was his embrace so distant, and his words so cold? Why was she cold?
Lila had a million questions running through her mind, but she felt like she couldn’t voice any of them. Not as Ambrose seemed wound so tightly, like he’d burst if the wind blew too hard. He was still clenching his jaw and hadn’t said a word to her since they left the field.
She had even tried speaking to him through the Concord, she felt the link between them established, but there was nothing. No response.
By then, the night was already beginning to lighten—shortly before dawn—and Rebekkah slunk into the deeper part of the cave, mentioning to Lila she needed to be alone. Needed to process the night’s events.
It was late, Lila didn’t think she could sleep if she wanted to. Not with her mind racing a mile a minute.
Finally in frustration, she turned to him. “Put me down.”
Ambrose eased her down to the ground, and then stood straight. His hands were still clasped into tight fists, his veins protruding everywhere.
“What’s wro—”
“I’m going to take a walk,” Ambrose claimed. Then without another word, he turned and walked from the cave. Lila was left dumbfounded. And then anxiety set in, and she felt over exposed in the coat and dress she wore.
Lila had no idea what happened to her in the time she wore the Reinicks’ collar, and Ambrose knew that. Was . . . was Ambrose thinking the same thing she was? She wondered if the same fear crossed his mind, and if it was true, how would he react?
Lila chased after him. The sun was maybe an hour or two away from rising, she needed to find him. She needed to know.
She swiftly followed behind him, and if he knew, he didn’t let on. It almost seemed like he was beelining to a specific location, he walked as though he had a purpose. The trees around them were thick and tall, and Lila heard small critters in every direction. But as the muddy ground squished between her toes, Lila felt the chill of the night sap into her skin more and more.
She tried to focus on her memories, the brief glimpses of feeling whenever she gained the smallest semblance of consciousness while wearing the collar. Something that would definitively tell her she was wrong. But as she remembered the fingertips on her thigh, the brush against her arm, she truly could not remember. She hadn’t even known how much time had passed.
Finally, Ambrose stopped in his tracks just before a flowing river. The moon illuminated off the water, making it shimmer a pearly blue.
“I needed a moment alone,” he said, without turning.
His words were like a punch to the gut, but she stood straight and walked to him.
“And I needed a moment with you. You’ve barely even looked at me since you broke the collar off.”
Ambrose grunted, though she wondered if it was really meant to be a sigh.
“It’s because every time I do, I’m reminded of the pain you’ve endured without me knowing. Every time I look at you, I see you crawling on your knees toward them with that blank expression in your eyes.”
Lila flinched. “They did that . . . in front of you?” What would they have done then when Ambrose wasn’t before them?
“Yes,” he ground out.
Look at me, she said through the Concord, but again Ambrose ignored it. He didn’t bother turning around.
“Why are you being like this?”
“Why did you follow me?” he rebutted.
“To talk to you! You’ve only looked at me like . . . like I’m tainted! Are you afraid Hektor touched me when I wore the collar?”
“Yes.”
There was no hesitation in his voice, and it broke Lila’s heart. If she weren’t already so cold, she knew he would’ve just chilled her to the bone.
“So,” she breathed, clenching her fists tightly, “you don’t want me if I’ve been fucked by another?”
Ambrose turned so quickly, it sent her staggering back. His eyebrows were drawn together and his mouth hung open. “What?”
But Lila didn’t repeat herself. He’d heard her.
“You really—” he paused, taking a breath. “You think I would—” Ambrose put his two giant, monstrous hands on her shoulders. “I will never stop wanting you, Lila Bran. Nothing will ever change that. What I’m furious about is the idea that Hektor may have raped you while you wore that fucking thing. That Ciro may have . . .”
Hearing the word cracked something inside of her. Lila stopped breathing. Fear threatened to close her throat, as she struggled to swallow. Hektor had grown impossibly more threatening. So much so that Rebekkah slipped Lila a tonic to prevent pregnancy when she first arrived back in the Morada.
As she cleaned Lila’s bite mark of the day—at her thigh once again—Rebekkah gave Lila what seemed like a steaming cup of tea. “Drink.”
When Lila did, the herbs within tasted beyond gross.
“It’s unpleasant. But it’ll keep you safe . . . from pregnancy for a year.”
A very real weight pressed against Lila’s chest, her stomach. The chance that someone would . . . that Hektor would . . . Even Rebekkah saw how much more likely it was now that she was back in their clutches.
“Thank you,” she said as Rebekkah went back to cleaning the wound and Lila downed the rest of the cup in a single gulp.
Now, she wondered how much she needed that tonic without even remembering it.
“It kills me you can’t remember, but if either of them did anything, I don’t want you to remember. And maybe that’s selfish but—” Ambrose cursed and Lila saw he was shaking just as much as she was, but she knew it wasn’t from how cold he was. It was rage. “The fact that you watched me butcher Ciro alive, that you saw me when I couldn’t control myself, that I’ve been holding the monster in since Asterim and I am too afraid to say or do anything that might let it out, including hold you. I want to rip apart the world right now, and I am so fucking afraid that rage will come out on you. Because I am not in control right now, Lila.”
Lila gaped at him. “You think that would bother me?”
“I felt it. Your emotions. You were . . . so afraid. And after the attack on the Crow Court, after . . . hurting you . . . as a strigoi—I just can’t—”
She stepped closer into him, but Ambrose stiffened still. Gently, she placed her hand on his chest. “Not of you, you big oaf. Never of you.” Suddenly, Lila needed him. Needed him to know how much she loved him, regardless of what he was. She needed him to love her. “You’re afraid to let the monster out? The monster I am so deeply, deeply in love with?” She took the smallest step back, and shrugged out of the coat, carefully throwing it onto the dry grass. Then she pressed herself against him. “Then do it. Let the monster take me.”
Ambrose watched her for a moment, and then crashed to his knees. In his monstrous form, the top of his head was just below her chin, and his mouth was right at her breasts.
“I only want you, Ambrose. Monster and all. If you need to lose control, lose it on me. If you need to yell, yell for me. If you need to kill, kill for me. But know, even in death, all I will ever want is you.” She held his face between her hands, making sure he understood each and every word she said.
He threw his arms around her middle and squeezed her so tightly, it was almost painful. At least he didn’t have to clench his fists anymore.
“Lila,” he whispered. And her name on his lips caused a tingle to course through her back. A tingle that turned warm. “I haven’t been able to shift back. I can’t . . . calm myself enough to focus.”
His voice was like an admission. He’d been wound so tight, he could barely move without fear of exploding.
Lila leaned forward, pressing her breast to his lips. “Let go, then. Use me.”
The ghost of his teeth hovered over her nipple and she felt an immediate slickness coat the apex of her thighs. Ambrose inhaled deeply before looking up at her through long lashes. The lost, hard expression had shifted to something hot with desire. Something ravenous.
And suddenly, every thought and fear and concern Lila had was gone. All she knew, right then and there, was that she wanted Ambrose to fuck her until everything in the Morada was out of her mind.
“I want you to rip this dress off of me, Ambrose. And I want you to make me yours, now.”
Ambrose pressed his face against Lila’s chest, running his hands over her curves, her sides. He flicked out his tongue, languidly running it over her nipple over the fabric.
“I—” he took a deep breath and aggressively grabbed her breast to the point of pain. She whimpered, but the sharpness of it all felt so damn good. In the same heartbeat, he pushed the dress off her shoulder. It fell to her arm, her entire breast revealed to the chilly night air, her peaked nipple exposed for Ambrose.
“I don’t think I could be nice right now,” he breathed, his words coming out in harsh grunts as his sole focus was on her revealed nipples.
Lila lifted a hand, and pushed the other strap of the dress from her shoulder, exposing herself further, as Ambrose cupped her breasts and kissed her. “I don’t want you to be.”