Chapter 16 #2
He showed it time and time again in the way he’d always turned toward me no matter what, the way he’d made himself vulnerable to me, the way he’d smiled and teased and laughed and shared his joy with me.
But after talking to Jack, it felt like clouds in my mind had blown off, leaving the bright, shining truth staring me in the face.
Gage cared about me… a lot. And what had I done for Gage?
Gage had wanted to be friends. I’d denied him.
Gage had wanted me. I’d come up with every excuse to keep him at a distance.
Gage had called me his boyfriend. I’d blown it off.
Gage had been honest and open with me… and I’d given him lies and technicalities, half-baked justifications and rationalizations.
Gage lived his life honestly and fearlessly. He’d befriended my nephew and helped my brother, he’d gotten to know nearly everyone in Little Pippin Hollow personally, and he liked them—even the ones who cheated at pumpkin carving.
He was smart. He was kind. He was brave as fuck, because he knew the risks of loving unreservedly and he took them anyway.
And I loved him.
I felt a thrill of fear that was all out of proportion to those three little words, but I didn’t step back from it.
Because loving him wasn’t something I should fucking hide like it was a terrible secret that would burden him.
It didn’t have to be a burden at all unless I made it one.
It didn’t have to come with strings unless I tied them on myself.
And it didn’t have to end in disaster, even though, like Jack said, Webb had been conditioned to think of it that way…
And so had I.
Because I’d watched the same poor examples of relationships he had. I’d watched as my dad had been heartbroken twice and while Amanda had not only left Webb, but abandoned her own son.
Love did end in disaster. At least… at least that was what I seemed to have internalized somehow.
This realization was terrifying, though. Which was real? Were those examples the right ones—that love really was mostly destructive and cruel—or were those anomalies? Was true love actually possible? And if so…
If so, could I have it with Gage Goodman, the most amazing, annoying, adorable, snarktastic, stupid T-shirt–wearing, cowphobic sweetheart to ever walk the earth?
As I drove down the twisty mountain road toward the orchard, I could hear Gage’s voice in my head asking me why I was so scared to be happy. I’d denied it, because in some areas I was happy—things like work and casual friendships. The things I could control.
But when it came to the things that mattered more—the people who mattered more—I was a chickenshit because I had no control at all.
So I’d tried to pretend that living away from the Hollow all these years was the practical choice, just like I’d tried to pretend that keeping things casual with Gage was the smart choice.
And Jesus Christ, all those months of therapy and I hadn’t made a breakthrough this huge, but one cup of coffee in Jack’s house of ruin had done the trick. Or maybe it was Gage who’d done it, by showing me over and over that love and friendship weren’t zero-sum games.
I loved him. I repeated the words to myself, and it was easier this time. It felt good.
And Gage deserved to know it. Even if he didn’t feel the same. Even if he left Little Pippin Hollow eventually anyway. He was a miracle who’d appeared in my life out of nowhere. And he made me want to have faith in something for the first time in a long time.
The drive home felt a billion times longer than it should have, even though the roads were mostly empty.
The first flakes had begun to fall, and though none were sticking to the roads yet, the trees with their slightly faded foliage were getting iced over.
The storm seemed to be coming in a lot faster than predicted, and I was really hoping Gage would be amenable to just taking a snow day to lie in my bed and watch the flakes fall through the window.
I realized giddily that he probably hadn’t ever had a snow day growing up. I wanted to spend his first one with him.
I pulled into the gravel area right outside the gift shop barn and parked the truck haphazardly. Webb had done the smart thing and kept the shop closed for the day, so there wasn’t a single other car in the lot.
That should have been my first clue that something was wrong, but I missed it.
I slammed the truck door closed and raced around to the back door and into the office like a kid on Christmas morning, beyond eager to see Gage.
I threw open the closed office door. “Hey, Goodman, what do you say we—”
But the office was empty. The lights were off, and Gage’s laptop was gone.
I grinned. Perfect. Gage had already decided to work upstairs, meaning I wouldn’t have to convince him at all.
I jogged back outside and saw Hawk wave from the back porch of the farmhouse. “Knox, hey! Come over.”
I lifted a hand in greeting but didn’t slow down as I took the steps to the apartment two at a time, holding the railing so I wouldn’t slip on the quickly accumulating snow. “Yeah, later!”
He probably wants to know how Jack was, I thought with a smirk. And I understood why, because in a full 180-degree, who-the-hell-am-I-anyway about-face, I’d become a sap who was in love with love.
I’d fought it and fought it and fought it, just like Gage had said, and then I’d changed my opinion all at once. But I wasn’t pretending the change was my idea—this was all thanks to Gage Goodman.
I tried the doorknob, but it didn’t budge, which was unusual unless Gage and I were fucking. I got out my keys and unlocked it, wondering what Gage had thought he needed privacy for. I had a few ideas, and they all made my stomach clench in anticipation.
But I could tell the moment I opened the door that the place wasn’t occupied. No Gage, no laptop, no heavy coat on the peg by the door.
Damn it. He was over at the farmhouse eating lunch. I groaned as I shut the door again, preparing myself to be polite and civil to my family and not literally drag Goodman out of there by his pretty, just-fucked hair so I could do unspeakable—
“Knox.” Webb greeted me at the bottom of the stairs, along with Hawk, who looked subdued. “Y’okay?”
“Yeah, I’m great.” I grinned. “Better than I’ve been in a while.” Acknowledging the truth apparently did that for a person.
Webb’s mouth pulled down, like he hadn’t expected that response. “Everything went well at Jack’s, then?”
I rolled my eyes. “Webb. I love you, but you have to let that die. There’s nothing between me and Jack but friendship, okay?
I’m…” I started to tell Webb about my revelation, but I stopped myself.
Gage deserved to hear it first. “Is Goodman at the house with Drew?” Another thought occurred to me, and I winced.
“Please tell me he didn’t go to town for lunch. ”
Webb and Hawk exchanged a look. “You haven’t checked your texts in a while, have you?”
I patted my pockets for my phone and frowned.
“No. The service up at Jack’s place is for shit, so I shut my phone off before it killed itself trying to find a signal.
Why? What’d I miss?” My pulse kicked up instinctively as I skimmed my texts.
Two from Webb and one from Hawk fifteen minutes ago asking me to call home. “Where’s Goodman?”
My brothers exchanged another look, and I wanted to shake them both.
“He’s gone,” Hawk said softly. “To Boston.”
“No he’s not. We just got home yesterday.”
“He got a call earlier from the interview guy,” Webb began. “They wanted to improve their offer. Move him to New York right away. They wanted him down in Boston ASAP.”
“Fuck.” I pushed a hand through my hair. “Why didn’t he wait for me?”
Webb tilted his head in an accusatory way.
“You tell me. Because Drew suggested that he shouldn’t go alone, and Gage said something about you not always being around to help him, and I know you two were fighting yesterday, and Gage looked sad this morning, and I swear to God, if you ran off my programmer, Knox, I’m gonna be pissed. ”
“Oh.” I rubbed at the ache in the center of my chest. The idea that I’d made Gage sad, that he’d thought he couldn’t rely on me, killed me.
He hadn’t even texted to say he was leaving.
I’d fucked this up. I’d messed up completely.
My brain began a loop of awful possibilities, and in that moment they seemed as real and unavoidable as the earth’s turning.
Gage wouldn’t listen to me if I apologized or told him how I felt.
Gage had moved to New York and wouldn’t say goodbye.
Gage was driving himself in the snow and he was going to get hurt.
I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t control any of it.
My heart rate kicked up to marathon-sprinting levels and I started panting as my lungs forgot how to expand properly. I was almost sure I was going to vomit.
Hawk put a hand on my arm. “We delayed him as long as we could. He only left twenty minutes ago, and he’s running an errand for Uncle Drew on his way out of town, so I bet you can catch him!”
My mind latched onto the fact that he’d left twenty minutes ago. If I hadn’t stayed for a cup of coffee, I wouldn’t have been too late.
I gripped the railing of the stairs with a palm gone damp as my vision throbbed like a pulse.
A line of heat—the kind that burned so hot it felt momentarily cold—crawled down my arms and legs until my fingers and toes went numb.
I could practically feel the blood pooling in my thighs and my muscles prepared to run or fight or lift trees…
if only I could figure out how to breathe, damn it.
“Knox,” Webb said firmly but calmly. He was right beside me somehow, propping me up, though I hadn’t even noticed him moving. “Knox, you’re having a panic attack. Come on and sit on the step right here. Perfect. Now breathe with me. That’s right—in, then hold, then—”
I held out a hand to ward him off. I did not need to be breathed with.