Chapter 11 #2
I leaned up to kiss him again through a wide smile. “We’re not having sex in the cave, period. Not your first time. I’m drawing the line, Hawk.”
“Oh my god,” he whispered, staring down at me. “This really isn’t a dream. In my dreams, you’d totally have gone for it.”
The sleepy wonder in his expression was so adorable I laughed out loud. I felt lighter than I had in weeks.
He took a breath and sat back up, pulling his sleeping bag over to cover himself. “But Jack, how… what… why now?”
I sat up, too, so I could face him while I tried to get my thoughts together and explain.
“All the things I said before—my concerns about Webb and your brothers and our ages—they’re true and real, but they’re not what was holding me back.
I meant it when I said I’m not a relationship guy, Hawk.
I never thought I’d want to be. I have no clue how to be what you need.
I was—am—genuinely terrified that admitting I want you means we’re going to fuck up our friendship, and I… I can’t lose you.”
“Jack,” he said softly. “You won’t. You can’t—”
“No, listen. You said before that I put you on a pedestal you didn’t want to be on.
Remember? Well, sometimes I worry that you put me on one, too.
I’m not romance hero material. I’m protective.
And bossy. And not great at communicating a lot of the time.
And I knew—know—that if we do the romance thing…
I’m going to disappoint you. There’s no way around it. ”
He tilted his head, studying me. “Okayyyy…”
“But then you left for three days. Three tiny days, Hawk. And I missed you so freaking much. I couldn’t enjoy anything.
I couldn’t concentrate for shit—you should see what I did to the supply order yesterday, Jesus Christ. I couldn’t stop feeling like every good part of me had quit when you did.
So I came up here to get you back.” I chewed on my lip.
“The whole way up here, I… I pretty much knew how this was going to go. I knew if I saw you, spoke to you, I wasn’t going to be able to hold back.
But even then, I fought it. I saw your spare sleeping bag, and I… ” I broke off with a head shake.
“Turned into a hurtful, cockblocky asshole?”
“I didn’t turn into it,” I muttered. “I’ve been that. Jealous as fuck, even as I pushed you away. And then…”
“Yeah?” Hawk encouraged.
“And then you climbed into the tent. And I was stuck out there listening. And I realized… that’s what the rest of my life would be like if I didn’t pull my head out of my ass.
Me, on the outside, looking in. Barriers between us forever.
Missing you forever. And I realized I have to at least try to be the man you need me to be—”
Hawk reached out and grabbed my hand, bringing it up to his mouth to kiss the back of it before setting both of our hands down in his lap. “You already are, Jack. You always have been. You could never disappoint me.”
I pulled my hand away and forked it through my own hair. “See? That’s what I mean, though. Of course I can, Hawk! And I will. I’m bound to let you down. To disappoint you in a major way. I’m not the guy you think I am—”
“And I think I see you more clearly than you see yourself,” Hawk retorted. “Give me one example of how you’ll let me down.”
“Well, I…” My brain’s gears clicked around heavily while I determined whether or not to reveal all the reasons why he shouldn’t want me.
I was like a used car salesman who couldn’t help but admit the thing was a lemon.
“I don’t know, do I? If I knew how I’d let you down, I’d stop it.
” I exhaled sharply. “But for one thing, I’m a workaholic. ”
“You’re committed to your business—a business where I work.” He winced. “Worked, anyway. You being a conscientious employer doesn’t bother me; it never has.”
I huffed. “Okay, then, what about this… I still think the development should go forward in some capacity.”
He winced. “That’s… a tough one,” he admitted.
“But I think I just need to know you’re listening to me without dismissing me.
We are always going to disagree on things.
I do not think you’re perfect or that you’re always right.
Spoiler, Jack Wyatt: that ship set sail about seven years ago when you told me you weren’t into reading romance. ”
I laughed out loud. “I’m surprised you gave me any kind of chance at all after that.”
Hawk bit my knuckle lightly before smoothing over it with his tongue.
“Even the things about you that might be frustrating or disappointing usually have a good reason behind them…” He gave me a teasing look.
“With the glaring exception of your unilateral decision that we, as legal, consenting, unattached adults who wanted one another, couldn’t have sex.
And honestly, that was part of why I was so damn frustrated about that.
Your reasons didn’t make any sense, and you wouldn’t explain them. But you know what else?”
I shook my head, trying to ignore what his mouth was doing to my skin so I could focus on his words.
“I’m not a child, and I’m not a shrinking violet—not with you, anyway.
If I think you’re being a jerk, I’m gonna tell you so.
If I think you’re wrong, I’m going to do what I think is right.
Last night, after… well, everything… I decided that I couldn’t take this back-and-forth between us anymore.
I was going to tell you this morning that I wanted you to leave.
That I needed to put serious distance between us.
And I would have done it, too,” he said softly. “Even though I knew it was gonna hurt.”
“Fuck,” I breathed, realizing how close I’d come to losing my chance entirely.
“But then, there you were, apologizing and admitting you were wrong.” He squeezed my fingers tightly. “Because you’re a good man, Jack.”
My heart looked for a way to escape his kindness. It couldn’t take these feelings. “I’m not, though. Not completely. I—”
“If I was injured, would you drop everything to come help me?” Hawk demanded.
“What? Of course I would,” I snapped, not even wanting to think about such a thing. “And can we not talk about you getting hurt, please?”
He grinned. “Uh-huh. And what about if the people of Little Pippin Hollow experienced a natural disaster and yours was the only kitchen left operable in town? Would you increase prices to take advantage of the opportunity?”
My lips tightened. “You know I wouldn’t, Bird. I’d feed everyone for free, even if it tanked my business. But I’m not talking about big stuff like that. I’m talking about little everyday disappointments. What if I forget to bring you flowers on Valentine’s Day?”
He straightened up on his knees and shuffled forward. His grin was giving me dirty thoughts about his mouth. “I’d buy enough for both of us.” He cupped my face and met my eyes. “I don’t need flowers. I need you.”
I tried not to stare at his lips. “I never do the dishes at home,” I added pathetically. “For days at a time.”
“I know.” He leaned in and kissed me whisper-softly on the side of my face. “You’re a monster.”
“I leave wet towels on the floor of my bathroom.”
“Mmhmm,” he murmured, kissing my chin just as softly. “I’ll have to institute a spanking regimen for naughty boys.”
My dick roared to life. “What if I’m terrible in bed?” I breathed against his searching lips.
He let out a gasp of warm air against my mouth and pulled away. “Whoa, wait! You mean Smug Peter lied, and all this time I believed it? Dear god. You’re right, Jack. This will never work. I’m sorry—”
I tickled his ribs, right in the spot I knew would make him scream with laughter, and he squirmed as he grabbed my hand in both of his.
“Kidding! I’m kidding. If you’re terrible in bed or your advanced age means your stamina is lacking—”
“Hawkins,” I growled.
He giggled and kissed the edge of my mouth. “Then we’ll have to watch tutorial videos online together. Lots of them. I’m willing to let you experiment on me until you can perfect your technique.”
Our lips came together gently this time, less awkward and hungry but still just as intense. I pulled him into my lap and wrapped my arms around him, pulling his sleeping bag over his back to keep him warm.
“You drove me crazy last night,” I finally admitted in the small space between us.
“Really?” Hawk’s face burned red. “I kinda can’t believe I actually went through with it.”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you in here touching yourself. The sounds you made, Bird… Jesus.”
He held on to my shoulders. “I was so mad at you for not joining me when it was clear you decided to do the same.”
I shook my head and held him tighter. “I didn’t want it to happen like that. Because it wouldn’t just be fucking. Not for me. Not with you.”
“Because you want more than sex with me,” he said slowly, repeating my earlier words. “Because you decided to try having a relationship?”
I let out a half laugh. “I don’t know that it was a decision, exactly.
Relationships are complicated. I’ve never been in one that went beyond sex, but I’ve seen enough to know they’re not all sunshine and rainbows, even when they last. But last night, I realized…
we kind of already are in one.” I counted out the evidence on my fingers.
“You’re the most important person in my life, aside from my mom.
I want you with me constantly, whether I’m at home or at work or hiking a damn mountain.
And ever since you mentioned sex the first time, I’m like a horny teenager again because you…
” I cupped his face and dragged my thumb over his kiss-swollen mouth.
“You’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. ”
Hawk’s blush, which had barely subsided since our conversation began, came back with intensity. “And you never noticed that—me—before?”