Los Angeles Paz
Los Angeles Paz
9:41 a.m. (Pacific Daylight Time)
Orion Pagan is frozen as if Valentino Prince’s lifesaving heart has stopped beating.
We’re down the block from the casting office, sitting on the curb. He wanted to speak privately, but he’s not speaking. He
keeps staring at me like I’m a ghost.
I feel nine years old again with good intentions but bad judgment. “I’m just gonna go.”
Orion shakes his head. “No, I want to talk to you,” he says, but that haunted look hasn’t left his hazel eyes. “I’m just a
little thrown off, especially because you’re rocking blond hair now.”
That bleaching burned my scalp, just like my steaming hot showers, and it only got worse when the stylist wrapped my hair
in foil and sat me under a heat lamp. There was no escaping that feeling of my head being on fire. I couldn’t switch off the
faucet or jump out of the bath like my body always forced me to. That pain was worth putting myself through to show Orion
that I’m the perfect actor to cast as Death, and to set me down a path where I wouldn’t seek out pain again.
“I dyed my hair to do Orson justice,” I say. There were so many lines I highlighted in the book, but I quote back my favorite about Orson’s blond curly hair. “?‘Death’s hair was as golden as the Immortal’s heart and as twisted as their love for each other.’ Something like that.”
“Exactly like that,” Orion says. “And for the record, you didn’t need to dye your hair to do Orson justice. You got the heart
of his character down.”
“That means everything coming from you.”
Then Orion looks down. “I’m sorry I never hit you up to see how you were doing, but I promise I’ve thought about you a lot
over the years, Paz. Before and after that trial, the documentary, anytime someone brought up your father. I’ve even stupidly
wondered if you read the book. I figured we’d cross paths outside that courtroom eventually.”
“Thanks for that, by the way.”
“You were just saving your mother from a man who would’ve killed her like he did Valentino. I couldn’t have you rotting in
jail like your father deserved to be, but sometimes I hope hell is real and he’s burning—” Orion’s rapid-fast response comes
to a halt. He takes a deep breath, his stubbly cheeks still flushed. “Sorry, dude, it’s one thing for me to carry that anger
and another to throw that your way. I hate that man, but you probably feel differently.”
There are days where I hate Dad because of how much he tortured and terrified Mom. Other days where I hate Dad because of how much killing him ruined my life. And then there are days where I feel the guiltiest because I don’t hate him at all.
Seeing how Orion hates Dad over a single tragic moment only makes me think about how everyone treats me like I’m a monster
because of my one incident.
“So, how old are you now?” Orion asks, like he’s remembering he’s the adult in this conversation.
“I turned nineteen last month.”
“Nineteen. That’s how old Valentino was when...”
When Dad made sure Valentino would never age another day.
Now it’s my turn to rescue us from an awkward silence. “I almost met you at your book signing, but I backed out at the last
minute. I was happy to hear how healing this book has been for you. It’s gotten me through some hard times too.”
I ramble about some of my favorite moments: Vale comforting a depressed Orson after he escorted his parents to the Eternal
Realm; when Vale drunkenly sang a cherished childhood song to a dying man with Alzheimer’s and how Orson joined in even though
he always avoided interacting with the living until it was time to cross them over; and when Orson took Vale to a cave for
a picnic and opened up about the struggles that led to his suicide.
“I, um, I’ve been really suicidal,” I say. This is the first time I’m talking about my struggles with someone who Mom isn’t paying to help me. “Ever since I killed Dad I get treated like I’m dangerous. I got bullied hard as a kid. I’ve watched my dreams die. It was hard reading about Vale becoming immortal because living forever felt so suffocating. I honestly saw Death as the true hero since he saved people from having to live in this terrible world.”
Orion is nodding, even when I’m done talking, like he’s deep in thought. “I don’t talk about it a lot, but I really struggled
with living after Valentino died. It didn’t always make sense to outsiders, not even my best friend, because Valentino and
I only knew each other for a day, but his loss is still so damn heavy. I wrote about Orson becoming Death because my depression
and grief were so powerful, like I would never escape them, not even in my next life. It made living hard, but Valentino wanted
me to live, so I’m going to bust my ass to keep living.” He reaches out and pats my shoulder. “You got to do the same, Paz.”
Orion was able to write his way out of his depression. I’m gonna act my way out of mine.
“I finally found a will to live when I saw your book was becoming a film. I’m sorry I lied about my name, but I had to get
an audition to be Death. I knew I’d kill it—crush it.” I really gotta watch what I’m saying, especially around Orion, who
might be my only lifeline. “Look, that docuseries has made me out to be some psycho killer, but I’m a good person trying to
live my life without being treated like I’m a villain. Your movie could be my comeback.” I might as well be down on my knees
begging. “Please back me up.”
The way Orion is staring makes me feel like I’ve just blown it. I should’ve played it cool and let this audition process unfold
without putting pressure on him or asking for special treatment.
“I will back you up, but I got to tell the team who you really are. You cool with that?”
“I totally get it.”
“Then I’m happy to put in a good word for you.”
It sucks that I can still get rejected after my performance because of how the incident and docuseries damaged my reputation,
but Orion fighting that fight for me means the world.
I wonder if this hope is what Orion felt when Valentino first offered his heart.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Orion stands and helps me up from the curb. “I’m down to do what I can; you don’t deserve all the shit you get.”
I’m so damn happy that I feel like I’ve died.
I reach into my backpack and pull out my copy of Golden Heart and the pen I once used to write hateful things on myself. “Can I get your signature?”
Orion flips through my hardcover, finding so many passages highlighted and notes scribbled in the margins. Then he signs my
copy, but before he gives it back, he stops and admires the book’s cover as if he hasn’t already seen it a billion times.
The cover has two anatomical hearts laid over each other—one in dull black, the other in a gold foil that’s shining under
the sunlight—against a white background with the title on top and his name on the bottom. During Orion’s cover reveal on the
Today show he mentioned that the illustrations were inspired by the actual scans of Orion’s and Valentino’s hearts taken on the
first End Day.
“Here you go,” Orion says, handing the book back.
It feels magically blessed, like it’s been enchanted with a spell for happiness, I don’t know, but I’m feeling amazing.
“Thank you so damn much for this story. And for everything.”
He smiles. “Okay, I should run back up. You got to promise something, though. If this movie doesn’t work out, you got to take
care of yourself.”
“I promise,” I lie.
“Boom,” Orion says, giving me a fist bump. “I’ll catch you later.”
He walks back toward the casting office, and I go the other way.
Who would have thought that Orion and I would bond over the tragedy that changed our lives forever?
I remember meeting Valentino on Death-Cast Eve when he moved in down the hall. I asked if he was gonna be our new neighbor,
and we introduced ourselves and he said I had a cool name. I don’t remember telling him he had a cool name too, and I wish
I had. Dad got mad at me for not being in bed, even though I couldn’t sleep because I was trying to find him, since I was
scared about all the Death-Cast stuff, which he just told me wasn’t real, like it was some monster in the closet. Then I didn’t
see Valentino again until the next night, when Dad was beating up Mom and Rolando at home and Valentino appeared at the top
of the stairs. I didn’t know Valentino was a Decker when I screamed at him to help, but he rushed inside anyway like a hero,
even though he must’ve known it was gonna lead to his death. I just wanted to stop all the fighting, so that’s when I ran
into the closet to grab the gun, and by the time I came back out, Valentino was gone.
Those memories have me turning around and running down the block.
“Orion!”
He stops right outside the casting office. “Hey, everything okay?”
I’m shaking as I spit out, “I’m sorry I couldn’t save Valentino too.”
Orion sucks in a breath, speechless.
“I’m really sorry,” I say, tearing up and turning away, crying on the streets after what has really been one of the most promising
days of my life.
I’m heartbroken that nine-year-old Paz was seconds too late to kill Dad before he could kill Valentino. I wish things had
gone differently, even if that means that Orion would’ve never written Golden Heart because Valentino would’ve never died, and maybe Orion would’ve been dead instead due to heart failure. But I can’t play
the what-if games. I can’t undo anything I did or didn’t do, but I can own up to my past, especially with Orion, who is looking
out for my future.
At a stoplight, I open my copy of Golden Heart and I’m touched by the simple message Orion has written in my book: Paz, keep living .
Here’s hoping Hollywood calls instead of Death-Cast.