Paz
9:09 p.m.
I ’ m writing my suicide note.
It’s my first one ever. I didn’t have the time before my first two attempts because they were so impulsive, but this note
is flowing out of me like I’ve been working on it my entire life. I sorta have.
Mom, I love you. There is a lot I’ve lied about, but that’s true.
I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye in person. I just couldn’t risk changing my mind. People like to run their mouths and tell
me that I’m just young and things will get better when I’m older, but that doesn’t make sense to me.
If I’m so young, why does life feel so long?
I think I finally have my answer. Today in therapy I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I know it’s a disease,
but it feels more like a demonic possession that prevents me from making good choices. The worst part is there isn’t an exorcism
to set me free so I’m doomed to raise hell wherever I go. The demon is born because of trauma or genetics or both, IDK, but
this isn’t your fault, Mom. This is Dad’s fault like every other bad thing. He’s already ruined my life completely, but I
won’t let him ruin yours anymore.
I’m happy you and Rolando will have the baby to keep you company. I’m just sorry the baby will be an only child. It’s for the best, Mom, trust me. The baby will get to live the life I never got to have because they’ll have Rolando’s angel genes instead of Dad’s demon genes.
This is your fresh start to have the life you always deserved.
You’re a survivor, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t inherit that from you. I take after Dad and just like Dad I have to die to make
the world a safer place.
Thank you for the best parts of my life. I love you, Mom.
Yours forever,
ito
I fold up the tear stained letter and tuck it inside my copy of Golden Heart . I know this suicide note will break Mom’s heart when she finds it, but at least she’ll fully understand that mine has been
broken for ages and I couldn’t keep living like this.
I wanna go into Mom’s room and give her one last hug, but I’m scared I’ll see her and think about the future with the baby
and trick myself into thinking things are gonna get better when they’re only getting worse and worse. No, the best thing I
can do for Mom is die so she can have her life back. And the best thing I can do for the baby is make sure they don’t grow
up in a home with a gun like I did.
I go into my closet and grab the gun I’ve been hiding and leave home so I can make tomorrow my End Day.