Chapter 26
I've never desired a woman the way I desire Ari. When her sleazy ex was near her, all I could think of was getting her away from him. I could see the fear in her eyes when she looked at him. An uneasy feeling crept up my spine. My fighter’s intuition tells me he has physically hurt her in the past, which is why she was afraid of me that day with Tommy, but she didn't want to tell me. Knowing Ari, she won’t tell me because it’s her way of protecting me from what I'll do to him.
I told her I wanted to talk.
This is me talking.
I breathe in the sweet smell of her shampoo from her hair and feel the fast beat of her heart under my fingers. The softness of her skin when I caress her breasts calms me but awakens something else. The need to have her and not let her go.
Her body language. The rhythm of her heart. The fanning of her breath on my skin. She tells me all I need to know. She needs me right now and I’ll be here for her.
With every touch on her skin, I can hear the whispers of her soul. With every look I give her, I hope she can hear mine.
Movement coming from the top of the stairs catches my eye, and I smile when I see Ari dressed in a beautiful white dress with a black overcoat, black pantyhose, and black pointed pumps coming down the stairs. She looks stunning. Her hair is down just the way I like it.
I think my heart skips a beat when she signs, “You look gorgeous all dressed up.”
“Nothing compares to how you look, Ari,” I sign.
She blushes, and I give her my arm. I’m impressed she has learned to sign so fast. There are times when she gets stuck. She pauses, sends me a text, and I show her.
When the garage door opens, I grab the keys to the McLaren Javier insisted I buy. I open the door for her, and she slides in. When I slide in on the driver’s side, I can’t help myself. I lean over the center console. I grip her chin, ignoring the look of surprise across her face, and kiss her gently, pressing my lips to hers .
The kiss is soft and sticky. She tastes like cherries and mint, and…her.
My hand slides around her neck to deepen the kiss. My tongue slides inside her mouth, devouring her, not caring if I get lip-gloss all over my mouth.
I love how she feels and tastes, but we will never make it to dinner if I don’t stop now. When we pull apart, she’s breathless. My eyes tell her more than words ever could. I want more but could never tell her.
“What about boundaries?” she signs.
“There are no rules when it comes to you.”
After the twenty-minute drive to the small restaurant, we are shown to a small, intimate table in the corner. I help remove her coat and can’t help but stare at how beautiful she looks.
The server comes up to our table. An older woman in her fifties smiles at us both. I try not to make it obvious that I cannot understand a word she is saying. Ari listens and scans the menu, laying it flat on the table. She points at the beverage section. I tap over the wine bottle section, and she orders a Riesling.
When the server leaves, we settle on what we will order. I pick up my phone.
Rey: Thank you for ordering.
Ari: Thank you for taking me out to dinner tonight after everything with Jimmy earlier.
Rey: It’s my pleasure. Thank you for letting me.
I love the way I make her blush. The way her eyes sparkle under the lights.
Rey: What are your plans after you graduate?
I’ve been meaning to ask. All I know is that she is in her last semester and will graduate with a degree in human resources.
Ari: I’m going to start looking. I haven’t decided where. I’m unsure if I should stay in Pennsylvania or move down South, where it’s warmer. I know how it feels sleeping in my car in the cold when you can’t afford heat.
The memory of that night broke me, but the thought of her leaving felt like a punch to my gut. My stomach turned at the thought of her moving far away. I knew she wouldn’t continue working at the gym after she graduated. She deserves to find a job that would make her happy, but I dread the day she tells me she is leaving or moving out because she finds an apartment. I could have offered her money to find a place, but the thought of her moving out doesn’t sit well with me. It is selfish of me, but moving into an apartment when she can live with me for free wouldn’t make sense. I like her in my house. I want her to work in the gym, where I can sneak a glance when she is lost in thought. When the sun sets, the light causes a glow around her face.
Rey: You could stay with me as long as you want, Ari.
You don’t have to leave after you graduate.
Ari: I thought you didn’t like the idea that Javier hired me.
I smile.
Rey: You grew on me.
Ari: How is your mom? She hasn’t stopped by since the last time. I could tell you three are close, and she is a good mother who raised her sons well.
Rey: Thank you. She is on a cruise to the Bahamas with her friends from bingo.
Ari: Where is your dad?
Rey: I don’t know. He kind of ditched us when I was a kid.
Ari: I’m sorry.
Rey: It’s okay. I turned out alright, I guess.
Ari: A little grumpy but not too bad.
I look up and see her playful smile as she waits for my reply.
Rey: How about your parents?
Ari: They live four hours away. Overprotective but good and hardworking.
Rey: Overprotective how?
Ari: I couldn’t date in high school. I couldn’t go out with friends. They had to come over to my house and only could when my parents were there.
Rey: How did you meet the hockey player?
I don’t want to say his name. He rubs me the wrong way, and the fact I know he’s hurt Ari makes me want to put him through a wall after I break his face.
Ari: Freshman year of college. We met at a party. We were together for three years, and I made the mistake of moving in with him last year.
Rey: What happened?
I brace myself for the answer. I have an idea of what to expect, but I want confirmation. I want to know what I’m dealing with if he shows back up. If my intuition is correct, he will not leave her alone. I think he’s obsessed with getting her back for all the wrong reasons.
Ari: I came home early and caught him red-handed walking out of our bathroom with a girl named Mandy wearing my robe.
The guy must be high and need his brain examined.
Rey: Ouch. I hope you didn’t keep the robe.
Ari: I didn’t. Grabbed what I could without a second thought and left.
Rey: What else happened?
She looks up for a few seconds. Turmoil swirls in the depths of her eyes. I know there is more, but I want more details.
Ari: When I tried to leave to push past him, he shoved me, and I fell, hitting my shoulder on the corner of the dresser. He wasn’t sorry and threatened me. When he was distracted, I ran out of the house and have avoided him ever since.
Rey: He’s obviously stalking you, Ari. Is he threatening you?
Ari: He wants me to return to him. I’ve told him numerous times that we are over.
Rey: Do you love him?
I don’t know why I asked her that, but I want to know. I want to know I’m not kissing her when she still loves him, even if he’s a lying piece of shit who deserves a fist to his face.
Ari: No. I thought I did, but I didn’t.
Rey: You shouldn’t be. It’s not your fault he couldn’t see what was right in front of him.
Ari: What is that?
Rey: The perfect woman.
She looks up from her phone; her eyes are glassy, tears threatening, and I wonder what I could have said that caused it. What could I have said that is tearing my insides as I watch a wave of sadness fill her eyes?
My phone vibrates in my hand like a tiny earthquake. The words on my screen are like daggers splitting me open, leaving me bleeding.
Ari: If I was, why do I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone?
After dinner, I’m on the couch scrolling through Netflix, thinking of the last thing she said before the server came out with our food. The rest of the night was silent. Something I was used to, but I’m sure she wasn’t. The night was stiff and empty except for small smiles and polite nods. It wasn’t what I had planned. I wanted her to have a nice time with me. After a chaste kiss on the cheek and her signing good night when we reached the garage door threshold, I couldn’t sleep. I took a cold shower, and when I closed my eyes, all I saw was the look on her face that night at the club with Julia. It was the same look that crossed her face tonight.
The way her eyes dimmed when she placed her phone down to eat. There was nothing I could say when what I said hung over us like a black cloud.
When I called her the perfect woman, she didn’t believe me. The doubt crept in, infecting her beautiful mind. It made me feel less than a man. Unworthy of her.
I wasn’t good enough for someone like her. I knew it the day I first saw her. She didn’t fit my ugly world.
I had no idea the man she was running away from caused her so much hurt that she found herself lost in the cold, alone for someone like me to find her.
He chose someone else when he had her, and she thought I would do the same. But in my mind, I could never have a woman like Ari. We didn’t fit together and never would.
I was destined for a life of silence, and she was destined for all the beautiful possibilities the world had to offer. I hurt her in trying to protect her from heartache. Because all I could give her, in the end, was pain and disappointment.
A man with an impairment. A man who his own father didn’t want because he was less than what was considered normal. Damaged. Weak.
It was what I had feared since I was twelve. That one day, everyone around me would see me as a broken man and look at me with pity.
I wouldn’t be able to listen to her moans when I’m making love to her. Hear her wants and desires in the spur of the moment. I couldn’t talk with her in the car on the way to the mountains on vacation. Hear her sing her favorite song. It was like snuffing out a candle when you were addicted to the scent.
My fingers stopped on the movie she wanted to watch the other night. I kissed her while it was playing, wishing for a split second that she could see me as her Noah, a man from a book who would do anything for the one he loved. I knew I couldn’t be what she wanted, but that didn’t stop me.
I wanted to feel her come apart in my arms. Feel the shudders that wracked her body. The way she trembled in my arms when I kissed her skin. I shouldn’t have touched her or let it get that far, but I couldn’t resist her.
But I had to break her heart and obliterate feelings because that is what I did. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if the person I loved one day would wake up and regret being with me because I was different. If it got too hard, and the scales tipped ever so slightly to one side more than the other.
The blue light flickers from the recessed lighting, signaling that someone is walking through the house. I don’t have to turn around to know it’s her. I can smell her scent. The strawberry-scented lotion I have seen her rub on her skin in the office.
She sits next to me on the couch. I’m looking directly at the screen, but I can feel her gaze on my skin. Her strawberry scent fills my nose, pulling me deeper into her orbit. She shifts on the couch to face me.
“Are we going to finish watching it?” she signs.
I play dumb. “What?”
I know she means The Notebook , but I don’t want her to know I was thinking about that night, complicating things between us.
One day, she will tell me she has found a job somewhere else in another state, and I will never see her again.
It’s for the best. Ari deserves to follow her dreams and accomplish her goals.
“ The Notebook . Are we going to finish watching it?”
My eyes flick back to the screen. I pick up the remote and try not to look at the way her white tank top stretches over her perky breasts. I nod and press play.
I watch the screen, and out of courtesy, I increase the volume, but she stops me, placing her hand over mine. Her dainty fingers press the button, removing the sound and leaving the subtitles .
She shakes her head playfully and signs, “I think it’s better this way.”
After twenty minutes, I watch her fall asleep from the corner of my eye. I should wake her and tell her to go to bed, but I can’t.
A little longer , I tell myself.
Just a little longer won’t hurt.
When the movie ends, I can’t bring myself to move her. Her body is curled up next to me, her head on my chest, and her soft and beautiful hair spread out like a bird’s wings.