23. Brynlee
Sit with people who protect your name in rooms you aren’t in.
Those are the women we want in our sandbox.
—Brynlee’s Secret Thoughts
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I cry out to my brother as I watch Deacon leave.
“What’s wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you, Brynnie? Did you marry the new hockey coach? And is he just now finding out about the Huntington’s thing? And did you take the damn test yet?” Killian shouts right back in my face, the way only a brother can and would. And the worst part is everything he’s saying is valid.
How is this my life?
When did I go from being a force of nature to a broken woman swaying in the wind?
“You know what?” I step closer to Killian and shove his chest. “Yes... Yes, I married the hockey coach. He has a name, and it’s Deacon Kane. You might want to remember it, since he didn’t back down from the big, scary fighter, now did he?”
I shove him again because indignation feels so much better than guilt and shame and fear. “He also has a beautiful daughter who I love. So not only am I married, but I’m a stepmom too. And I’m going to need you to keep your mouth shut until I tell Mom and Dad. Which will be soon.”
“Brynnie...” Killian grabs my hands before I can hit him again.
“I will. I promise I will. But first I have to apologize to my husband, the hockey coach, because you know what? He said he loves me.” Not sure if Deacon even realizes he said it, but even in my broken mind, I heard. And I’m choosing to cling to that in the mountain of a mess my life currently is. “And he’s right. I let him fall in love with me—fuck, I let him marry me without being honest.”
“What did you lie about, Brynn?” Killian asks in a way that reminds me that at least one person still thinks I’m a good person.
“I should told him I have an expiration date already ticking down. I should have told him about the Huntington’s thing. But I didn’t. You and Kenzie and Mom and Dad were the only ones who knew. I fucked up, Kill, and I need to fix it. I owe him that.”
“Is he good to you, Brynn? Do you love him?” Kill’s words stop me in my tracks.
“He’s everything,” I whisper.
“Nah, B. He’s not. You’re everything. But if he makes you happy, go tell him. If he’s smart, he’ll forgive you.” Killian pulls me in for a hug and lifts me from my feet. “You think I can be there when you tell Mom and Dad? I want to see the look on Mom’s face.” His evil smile is the same today as it was when he was ten years old and tried to get a picture of Everly Sinclair changing into her bikini in our pool house.
“I may need you there to hold Dad back. I think he’s going to react worse than Mom.” I wipe my face and square my shoulders. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Deacon and beg him to forgive me.”
Killian sidesteps me, stopping me from passing by. “Does that mean you you’re going to take the test?”
I stop and look at my little brother, and my heart breaks all over again. “I’m scared, Killian. I’m scared I’m going to take the test and it’ll come back positive. If I don’t know, I can act like it doesn’t matter.” My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces as I put words to my greatest fear.
He drags his thumb over my cheek, wiping away my tears. “But it does matter. You matter, and you’re putting yourself and everyone who loves you through hell, Brynn.”
“I’m sorry I’m hurting you, Kill. But I owe the man who just walked through that door an explanation and a conversation before I can make any decision.”
He steps back with a nod. “Love you, Brynn.”
“Love you too, Kill. Make sure you fix my door before you go. And do you think you can take Winnie for the night? She’s hiding somewhere. I think we were too loud for her.”
“Yeah, I got her. You just go.”
“Thanks, little brother.” I grab my keys and purse and don’t bother looking in a mirror before I leave. I’ve wasted enough time not being completely honest with my husband, and it’s time I fixed that. I don’t need to go far to find him because as soon as I open my door, Deacon is sitting on the floor in my hallway.
“What are you doing here?” My nerves kick into overdrive as I slide down the wall next to him and kick my legs out in front of myself, mirroring him, though his legs just go a lot farther out than mine do.
“I’m not really angry, it’s easier to be mad than to admit I’m scared, so I left. But the second I was through the door, I was too damn far from you, Brynn. I figured I’d wait until your brother left so we could finish our conversation.” He looks tired, and I hate knowing I did that to him. “Did everything go okay with Killian?”
I run my teeth over my lips, stalling. “It went. He’s not thrilled with me, but he’ll get over it.”
“How are you feeling?” Deacon asks as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me against his side.
“You’re still here, so I’m better than I thought I was.” My heart cracks a little as I look at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Telling you would have made it real, and I wasn’t ready to accept it could be real.”
“We deal with whatever the universe throws our way, Brynn. But I can’t help you if I don’t know. You can’t keep things from me.” He’s being more understanding than I deserve. But this man sees me in a way no one else ever has, so why should I be surprised? “I can’t force you to get the test, but I can hold your hand while you do it.”
“If it comes back positive, we can’t have kids, Deacon. That might not feel like a big deal now, but it might be in a few years,” I tell him, blinking back more tears.
“We already have a kid. I guess if you count Winnie, we’ve got two. And if it’s positive, we can adopt a whole hockey team if we want to. But I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about you. I want to give you the best life possible, and I want it to be the longest life possible. It might help if we know what we’re up against.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I press a gentle kiss to his lips. “Did you mean what you said in there?” I ask, needing to know the truth but then deciding I want him to hear it from me first. “Because I’m in love with you, Deacon. I know what I said last night, but I’m not falling. I’ve already fallen. I fell weeks ago. Looking back, I think I was in love with you before you ever even came back from Boston.”
He wraps a hand around my face and drags my forehead to his. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Brynlee St. James.”
“Oh, thank God,” I laugh lightly.
“I love your laugh and your smile and the way you drag your teeth over your bottom lip.” He runs his thumb over my lips and sends chills dancing over my skin.” I love the way you are with my kid. I love the way the world feels when you’re next to me. And I’ll love you through whatever else the world throws our way. Marry me.”
My smile is instant as I let his words wash over me, forever grateful for this man. “I already married you,” I whisper, and Deacon leans back slightly and pulls a teal ring box out of his pocket.
“Yeah. But you asked me last time. I needed to ask you this time.” He cracks open the box, and a beautiful, brilliant-cut diamond solitaire and matching eternity band sparkle against the white velvet lining.
“They’re beautiful, Deacon.”
He pulls both rings out and slides them on my finger, and there go those butterflies in my stomach again.
“You know, you didn’t have to get me rings to get me to tell my parents. I told Killian before I came out here I was going to talk to them. I just needed to make sure things were right with you first.” My stomach flips over how my parents will take this news, but Deacon deserves so much more than to be hidden.
“Baby, you’re already my wife, and that’s all that matters. But I want to do it right this time. I want you in a white dress, walking down an aisle, and I want Kennedy there to watch us. I want you to take my name, and I want to wake up with you in my bed every day. And if that starts with us talking to your parents, then let’s go talk to your parents.” His lips tilt down. “But I think it needs to start with you taking control of your future. We need to be able to make plans, Brynn. One way or the other.”
I’ve spent my summer trying to act like this test didn’t exist.
As if it wasn’t a big bad looming over my life.
I’ve given the test itself all the power, and as scary as it’s going to be, it’s time I take that power back.
“Will you come with me to take the test?’ I ask him, petrified of his answer.
“There’s nothing that would keep me away from you, red. We were always real.”
I press my lips to his. “We were always real.”
My door opens, and Killian stands there with Winnie in his hands. “Uh... does this mean I don’t need to take your dog?”
“Any chance you feel like coming to Mom and Dad’s with us?” I ask my brother while I squeeze my husband’s hand.
“Like tonight?” Killian laughs like a little douche. “Dude, more like there’s no way I’m missing this.” The shit kicks Deacon’s foot. “You might not know me, brother, but I might be the only reason you don’t die tonight.”
“Killian—” I shout as inappropriate laughter catches in my throat, the sweeping emotions of the day already taking their toll.
“What?” He looks at me with a smug smirk. “Too soon?”
“Yeah.” I push up to my feet then and take Winnie from my brother. “Maybe just a little.”
Deacon stands up and looks between me and Killian. “I guess we didn’t actually meet.” He offers him his hand. “Deacon.”
Kill smiles. “Oh, I know who you are. I’m just wondering who’s gonna go for the throat first, Mom or Dad. Hope you’ve got good reflexes.”
Deacon looks at me, and I smile. “He’s not wrong.”
“You sure you don’t want to call them first, Brynn?” Deacon asks as we turn onto my parents’ street, following behind Killian’s Jeep. “Maybe give them some kind of a heads-up?”
I think about it again and visualize just how that conversation would go over the phone, and my imagination is probably worse than reality could ever be. “Honestly, no. I don’t want to lose my nerve. Not just because I’m about to tell my parents I got married but because of everything else that’s going on. This way is better, trust me.”
I have no idea how this is going to go.
And when we pull into their circular driveway, and my brother jumps down from his massive Jeep and bounces on his toes, I decide maybe bringing him wasn’t the best idea. “You’re way to excited about this, Kill.”
I let Winnie out of the car, and she runs to Killian.
The little traitor.
I walk over to Deacon, and he rests his palm on the small of my back. “Lead the way, Brynn.”
I brush my lips over his before I move. “Just remember, you can’t divorce me if my parents are assholes.”
“One day, some cocksucker is going to want to marry Kennedy, and we’re probably going to hate him. If he were to show up at our house and tell us they got married without even meeting us, we’d be pretty pissed. Try to remember that when your parents get mad, and everything will be fine.” He presses me forward, and I stare at him in shock.
“Why are you so calm?” I ask, jealous of his ability to compartmentalize like that.
“Because you’re worth it,” he tells me. Then he leans down and whispers in my ear, “Now let’s get this over with. I’m thinking makeup sex is going to be the perfect way to end the day.”
“Umm... I think you may have broken me last night, husband,” I tease.
“Then I’ll just have to be gentle tonight, wife. Now quit stalling.”
By the time we make it to the front door, it’s open, and Killian is nowhere to be found.
Noted. Winnie and he are both traitors.
“Hello—” I call out as Deacon and I walk in the foyer of my parents’ house, receiving no answer. I take his hand in mine, trying to absorb some of his calm. “We moved here when I was little. Right after Mom had Livvy.”
I guide Deacon through the enormous house Mom always made sure felt like a home, not a museum. She wanted us to be kids at home. She didn’t care if we got handprints on the walls or peanut butter on the counters. There were no prying cameras or reporters here. It was our sanctuary, and I try to keep that in mind now as I search for her and Dad.
Deacon pulls me to a stop in front of an old family portrait. “Look at you.” He points. “Jesus, your family is big.”
I smother a laugh. “Yeah, and this is a really old picture. We’re twice this size now. I was maybe eight in this picture. It’s before Kenzie and Easton joined the family. Before half my uncles were married. Before I had any idea what my life would become.”
“That’s the kind of innocence I want to make sure we give Kennedy for as long as we can,” he muses.
My God. I love this man.
“We will.” I kiss his cheek, and a throat clears behind us.
Fuck. I look past my giant of a husband. “Hi, Mom.”
“Brynlee,” she says very carefully. “And Coach Kane. I didn’t expect to find you in my house today, kissing my daughter, no less.”
“Scarlet.” Deacon offers her his hand, and she looks at it like a bug on the floor she doesn’t want to dirty her Manolos by squishing.
“Oh, we’re not in the office today, Deacon. You can call me, Mrs. St. James.”
Well . . . shit.
“Your father is outside by the pool, smoking cigars with Becket and Sam. Why don’t you head out back.” Her smile is evil, and my stomach drops as I watch her walk away.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” I ask Deacon with a new level of nerves.
He tilts his head to look around me, unable to see where my mother went. “Becket. Your uncle, the senator?”
I nod my head. “And Sam . . . Beneventi.”
“Another uncle?” he asks as he tries to place the name.
“Yeah, my cousin Maddox’s dad. He’s . . .”
“Is he the one I’ve seen on the news? The one they’ve tried to connect to the Mafia?” Deacon asks with a flash of something in his eyes.
“They’ve never proven that,” I tell him. “But let’s just say he’s probably the most powerful man in Philadelphia.” We don’t ever discuss or confirm Uncle Sam’s business. “They’re Dad’s best friends. The three of them went to high school together.”
Deacon nods. “Doesn’t change anything for me, Brynn. But if you don’t want them here while we discuss any of it,”—he means the Huntington’s—“you just tell me, and I’ll ask them to leave.”
Yup. I love him.
I also want him to live to see tomorrow, so I’m not going to let him do that.
I lace my fingers in his and make my way through the house to face the firing squad.
It’s time.