Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
R iley was surrounded by loved ones and friends. There was food, drinks, laughter, stories, and even baby giggles and gurgles. It should’ve been a happy, momentous occasion. Since her own family had moved away from Seagull Cove, the Harrisons had become all she’d needed to feel perfectly at home.
And yet, she’d never felt more alone.
She couldn’t get Antony out of her head. She couldn’t get the race out of her head. She couldn’t get his anger out of her head.
“Hey.”
Riley looked up, coming back to the chaotic world around her. “Oh, hey.”
Estelle gave Riley a soft smile as she sat down in a chair and scooted closer. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind.”
Riley’s laugh was harsh, and she immediately felt bad. Sitting straighter, she forced her fake smile wider. “I’m okay.”
“Right.” Estelle’s look was filled with sympathy. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
Riley frowned. “Do what? Come eat dinner?”
Estelle laughed and tucked a piece of dark hair behind her ear. She was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her. Riley had always felt a little dowdy next to the Harrison girls, but all of them were so loving that she couldn’t let the emotions take root.
Her hand wandered up to find her ponytail. The hairstyle she always wore. The one that had become her go-to. The one she wasn’t supposed to wear tonight.
The one that Antony had wanted to see change.
“We’re thrilled you ate dinner with us,” Estelle said, her voice still soft. “I’m talking about sticking around when you don’t want to be here.” She squinted and tilted her head to the side. “Or maybe it’s that you don’t have to take on the project of my brother, alone or with help. Either way.”
Riley huffed. “Someone has to.”
“Why you?”
Riley winced as very physical pain hit her in the sternum.
Estelle held up a hand. “I know. That was really blunt and was probably something much more like what Aspen would say, but…” She took a deep breath. “Riley, I think you’re amazing. I think the fact that you’ve gotten Antony to do anything but mope is a miracle. And as much as I’m all for you dating him, I have to ask why .” She leaned forward, keeping their conversation between them. “I know what it’s like to take on a project because you feel good taking on projects.” Estelle’s eyes misted over. “I nearly ruined my life because of it.”
Apparently, tears were contagious because Riley’s eyes were quickly swimming as well. “I know you do,” Riley murmured. “You’ve always been a mother hen.” Her smile trembled, but she pushed it anyway. “And we love you for it.”
“And you’ve always been a fixer,” Estelle pointed out. “You take animals, and you fix them. You help the unwanted be wanted. You take the dirty and forgotten and turn them into cute fluff balls that can’t help but find a happy ever after in a family of their own.”
Riley swallowed, the compliments feeling much too grand for the daily grind she experienced .
“And that’s why I’m asking,” Estelle continued, her dark eyes pinning Riley in place. “Because if you’re simply trying to fix my brother the way you fix your animals, it’ll never work.”
The words hit too close to home. How many times had Riley compared Antony to one of her strays? How many times had she used techniques and ideas that she’d learned while dealing with the abused and starved animals that came into her shelter?
Antony wasn’t a dog. He wasn’t a stray kitten. Had Riley only decided to help because she wanted to “fix” him?
“And the fact that it won’t work has nothing to do with you,” Estelle finished.
Riley blinked, pushing back her tears. “I didn’t start visiting him because I thought I could fix him,” she whispered hoarsely.
“Maybe not consciously,” Estelle agreed, nodding. “But no matter why you started, it won’t change the end.”
“Why not?”
There was that sad smile again. “Because unlike a dog or cat that’s totally dependent on an owner to keep it well, a human has the ability to choose for themselves.” She leaned in even further. “They have to choose for themselves, Riley,” Estelle insisted. “That’s something I’ve had to learn as well. You can’t force Antony to care simply because you do.”
The pain in Riley’s chest was spreading, and it was becoming hard to breathe. “If I don’t care, then no one will.”
Estelle’s shoulders fell. “Riley. Everyone in this house cares for Antony. Any of us would give our own leg to see his come back.” A couple of tears tracked down her cheek, and Estelle quickly wiped them away. “But we’ve also reached the end of our ability to help. He turned us away, not the other way around. We can’t help him unless he wants us to.”
“Which is why I’m the only one left,” Riley insisted. She didn’t know how to walk away from him. She couldn’t do it. She loved him and yes, she knew his family did too, but her relationship with Antony was different.
He was different around her, and she’d seen glimpses of the man he was capable of becoming. Of a new Antony, with pieces of the old. RIley had seen it, and she loved it even more. She couldn’t just leave him on his own. He’d never make it. Precisely because he didn’t care enough. Someone else had to care on his behalf until he was able to do it on his own.
Estelle patted Riley’s knee. “I’m sorry. I know I said some hard things. Please know that we love you. I love you. You’re family, whether you and Antony stay together or not.” Sighing, Estelle looked out at the room full of happy people. “I wished so hard to help him,” she whispered. “And then I wished and prayed that you would be enough.” Her smile trembled when she looked back at Riley. “I still wish you were, but it wouldn’t be right. He has to choose. He has to help himself.”
Riley tried to push the lump in her throat down, but it was stuck, so she merely nodded. She hated that she knew Estelle’s words were true. How to follow through with them was the real question.
The thought of walking away from Antony, no matter how angry he was, made Riley stick to her stomach and threatened to bring all the roast, potatoes and gravy she’d consumed back up.
“Just let us know what you decide to do.” Standing up, Estelle leaned over and wrapped Riley in a tight hug. “Thank you for loving my brother.” Straightening, she pushed back her hair and headed toward the kitchen, where most of the women had gathered, leaving the men to the baseball currently playing on the big screen across the room from Riley.
She stared at the scene for several minutes, not really seeing it. Her heart was pounding and her stomach churning, and a migraine was working its way up the back of her neck.
Call her stupid or naive, but she couldn’t do it. Riley didn’t have the strength to walk away, especially when she knew how much Antony was hurting. He needed her. And she wouldn’t let him down.
Decision made, she stood up and headed to the kitchen as well. He hadn’t come to dinner, but she could certainly bring dinner to him.
Antony threw his head back on the couch, his wet hair slapping against his cheeks and forehead. “Idiot. Stupid. Cripple.” His teeth clenched, and he beat a fist on the cushion. “What is wrong with you?” The last words were a hoarse whisper, falling in an empty apartment where nothing but Griffin’s breathing broke the silence.
Why was he even here?
He’d given everything to his country, and now he had no purpose. He’d been forgotten and left to rot.
He closed his eyes, and a pair of green eyes immediately slammed into his vision. Riley. She was the only person who hadn’t forgotten her.
And maybe Gavin.
But Antony didn’t want Gavin sitting by his side, in his arms, saying sweet things that made Antony's heart beat harder.
“She was perfect,” Antony whispered. “And you drove her away.”
He glanced at the clock. The family dinner had come and gone. His family had celebrated without him. In fact, they’d probably celebrated his absence. No point in having someone around who would make the babies cry.
Riley had probably been there. She’d sat with his sisters and brothers-in-law. She’d held the babies and laughed and smiled and stuffed herself with food.
And he’d been here in his apartment. Alone. Miserable. Broken. Forgotten.
“You deserve it.” The words were harsh, and shot through the air like slivers aimed directly for his heart.
He did deserve it. He’d pushed Riley away more times than he could count and walking…rolling…away from the race was the final straw.
She’d brought him home, but the light was gone. The look she got in her eye whenever she saw him had been absent. Antony had known it was over, and he didn’t blame her.
He’d given his heart willingly, but at no point had he been under the delusion that he deserved someone like Riley. She was goodness personified, and he was…he didn’t even know what he was. As many names as he called himself, and yet none of them were a perfect fit. They were all lacking the intensity he craved. None of them managed to embody the self loathing that was currently eating his soul from the inside out.
The knock on the door came just before it opened.
“Knock, knock.” Riley’s sweet voice slipped into the room right before her head came around the door frame. She smiled. “I thought you might like something to eat.”
Antony couldn’t move. He watched her come inside, close the door, and hold up a plate wrapped in foil.
She hesitated when he didn’t respond, and Antony tried to unlock his jaw. “Hey,” he croaked.
Riley’s shoulder relaxed, probably because he hadn’t bitten her head off. “Are you hungry? Or do you want me to put this in the fridge?”
He cleared his throat. “The fridge is fine.” He watched her walk that way. “Thanks.”
“Of course.”
Antony couldn’t seem to take his eyes off her. She smiled as she came back and carefully sat on the couch, several inches between them.
The distance almost hurt worse than if she’d said something, but Antony simply clenched his fist instead of addressing it. She had every right to keep to herself.
“How are your hands?” She reached for his hand, and Antony automatically jerked it back .
“Sorry,” he muttered, forcing himself to relax. The anger and adrenaline from earlier were still rushing through his veins, along with the added weight of hating who he was. As much as he complained that she hadn’t sat at his side, the idea of being touched was almost more than he could bear.
“It’s alright.” Riley pinched her lips between her teeth. “I should’ve asked.” She took a deep breath through her nose and looked around the room. “Griffin being spoiled again?”
Antony shrugged one shoulder. “I wasn’t exactly good company, and Mrs. Cummings was eager to give him a spa day after the run.”
Riley laughed softly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
Antony stiffened. Her hair. She’d…
Riley must have caught his perusal because her cheeks flushed a mottled red.
“That bad, huh?” she asked with a tight laugh.
“Why would you ever pull it back?” Antony felt like he couldn’t get enough air. His hand trembled as it reached out and grasped the thick strands. With it in the ponytail, he’d always assumed it was light and thin, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Her hair was stick straight, and from what he could tell, reached nearly to her hips. But thin would never be a good description. Thick, soft and heavy. It called to him, and he felt like a bug seduced into the light.
His fingers slid through the strands, it slipped like silk, and his heart rate picked up. Gah…why did she have to be so amazing?
“I’ve had it in a ponytail all day,” Riley said, throwing a chunk over her shoulder. “So there’s a big lump in the back, but…you had asked, so I thought I’d let you see.”
“Thank you.” His voice was hoarse, and there was nothing Antony could do to relieve the emotion in it. He almost felt as if he would cry. He’d spent the entire day rehearsing how horrible he was and how much he didn’t deserve her, yet Riley was here.
Not only was she here, but she was offering him something she didn’t offer others.
“Can I…can I hold you?”
Riley’s face crumpled. “Are you sure you want to? I’m sure you’re sore and you seem…on edge.”
He huffed a dark laugh. “I thought you weren’t coming back.”
Riley’s eyebrows pulled together. “Why wouldn’t I come back?”
He couldn’t meet her gaze, instead, choosing to focus on her hair. “I thought you would leave, like everyone else.”
Riley didn’t respond right away and Antony wanted to see the emotions running through her face, but he couldn't do it. He’d never been more terrified of what he’d see than he was in that moment.
“Well, I came,” Riley stated. “And if you’re up for a late post race cuddle, I’m all for it.”
A deep sense of gratitude rushed his system, leaving Antony feeling weak. He opened his arms, and Riley scooted over, squirming until she was settled just right against his chest.
Kissing the top of her head, Antony whispered, “Thank you for wearing your hair down. You’re…well, I’m not sure there’s a good word in the English language, but you’re stunning.”
Riley’s breath hitched, but she didn’t move from her place. “Thank you,” she whispered back. “That means a lot to me, coming from someone like you.”
Confusion tugged at his forehead for just a moment, but with a slight shake, Antony forced himself to let it go. The woman he thought he’d never see again was here in his arms. She’d brought him a gift, and she’d apparently forgiven him for being the world’s worst idiot, even though he didn’t deserve her mercy.
Now wasn’t the time to dwell on oddly worded sentences. He was going to hold her and rejoice in the fact that he could always count on Riley to stay by his side.