Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
T he next few days passed in a blur of grief and activity. Estelle had thought they were prepared for her father’s passing, at least in planning if not emotionally, but there were so many decisions to make and no one wanted to make them.
What colors for the funeral? What flowers? How big? What was their budget? Did they want an open or closed casket? The lining of his coffin needed to be chosen, and the wood on the outside… It was never ending, and Estelle was ready to scream.
Why couldn’t there simply be pre-prepared funerals for those who absolutely didn’t care what colors were used? They could simply purchase a package rather than have to pick out every individual piece? Someone could make a killing if they wanted to.
As it was, the entire thing was worse than planning a wedding, and Estelle was done.
Grabbing her flip-flops, she stormed out of the house and marched down the road. She had to get away, or she was going to strangle someone. Antony hadn’t stopped being a jerk, her sisters were emotional wrecks, especially Aspen, though no one could blame her for that, and their mother was walking around like a zombie .
Estelle jumped back and forth between being strong and feeling like she was being crushed by the weight of the world. She tried to keep her breakdown moments to night, when no one could hear her cry and so she could actually be helpful during the day, but she simply couldn’t take it any more.
The tears began slowly as she walked, but for the first time, Estelle didn’t fight them. Her lips were raw, and she was positive she had permanent marks from biting them so hard to keep her emotions at bay.
This time, she wouldn’t. This time she let them fall. It was one of those rare, sunshiney days in Oregon, but instead of being comforting, the heat only made Estelle angry.
Why did this have to happen? Why did she have to be the one to be strong? Why did such a good man have to die? Why did the world continue when hers felt like it had ended? Why was Estelle the one stuck taking care of everybody else? Would she never have someone to take care of her?
Her footsteps stuttered. She sort of did have someone to take care of her…but the problem was, the day after her father’s funeral. The. Day. AFTER. Her. Father’s funeral…Crew was leaving.
Anger churned in her gut again, leaving her hot with sweat forming on her forehead. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair!
Estelle’s hands clenched and unclenched as she walked. She ignored neighbors on their front porches and didn’t respond to several who called out to her.
Why?
Why?
WHY?
Marching off the sidewalk, Estelle began to walk through the sand dunes, ignoring how the grasses itched against her skin, some stalks leaving tiny paper cuts. She knew her skin would be irritated the rest of the day, but Estelle didn’t care.
This wasn’t how life was supposed to be! She was supposed to grow up, find a sweet boy, get married, and have her father walk her down the aisle. She was supposed to have babies and decorate cakes and live happily ever after, not…this.
Not have a dead father. Not have the man she loved leave. Not have a brother hate her. Not…anything! None of it! It was all wrong, and no matter how hard Estelle tried, she couldn’t fix it.
No amount of work or self discipline would ever bring her father back. No talking or explaining or pleading was helping her brother find peace. Nothing Estelle could do would help ease her mother’s pain.
The tears were gaining more momentum and they flowed off Estelle’s chin like a waterfall, but she only let them fall. They were the least of her concerns right now.
Stopping at the top of a rise, she stood still, her legs itching, her face wet, and the salt water spray hitting her flushed cheeks. This moment should have been soothing, should have eased the pain coursing through her veins, but instead, Estelle felt untouchable.
Detached.
Aloof.
Indifferent.
Isolated in her anger.
“It’s not fair,” she whispered, the breeze gathering the words and scattering them over the landscape like dandelion fluff. “I want…” She swallowed and tried again. “I want…”
What did she want? It was all so jumbled. Did she want her father back? Absolutely. Did she want her mother to stop crying? Again, an easy yes. Did she want Antony whole? Aspen’s baby to have a grandfather? A relationship that wasn’t going to end in three days?
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
For just a split moment, Estelle found herself blindingly angry at Crew. How dare he come into her life and make her love him, only to leave when everything had fallen apart!
She’d come to rely on him. Even after a pathetic attempt to push him away, he’d stuck around. He’d promised to be there. He’d held her together while she cried. He’d run errands, cooked dinner and done everything he could to help ease what she was going through, and in just a few short days…he’d be gone.
What was she going to do now?
She tried to pretend to be the strong one, but she already admitted to being weak. And now the only thing keeping her from breaking was being taken away, as suddenly as her father.
“They told me you went this way.”
Estelle closed her eyes, causing a multitude of salty tears to gush forward. She didn’t have to see Crew to feel him. His presence was overwhelming. It soothed and excited all at once, and she both loved and hated him for it.
Where would she be when his presence wasn’t here anymore? When all they had were online video chats and impersonal texts?
His large hand landed on her lower back, and his lips brushed against her temple. “What can I do for you today, sweetheart? What would help?”
Estelle barked a harsh laugh and wiped at her face with jerky movements. “I don’t think there’s anything you haven’t already done,” she whispered hoarsely.
Slowly, as if to give her a chance to pull away, Crew pulled her into his chest. Estelle was absolutely helpless to fight it. Maybe she could say she was conserving her energy for when she’d have to stand on her own two feet…that sounded better than simply being too weak to resist.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this,” Crew offered. “If I could take your pain, I would.”
Estelle nodded, but didn’t speak. She didn’t actually trust herself right now, her emotions were too erratic. The tiniest sliver of logic told her that her anger, her pain…all of it were part of the grieving process, and that if she lashed out, she’d regret those actions for years to come.
Guilt was a cold and heavy companion, and Estelle didn’t need any more of it riding her shoulders.
She wasn’t okay. Crew held Estelle against his chest, rubbing up and down her back, but she wasn’t okay. He’d been doing everything he could possibly think of to help her, and she still was falling apart.
Part of him recognized she needed to go through these emotions, and the other part of him was ticked off. Shouldn’t he see some kind of breakthrough? Shouldn’t she be responding differently to him? Shouldn’t his work matter in some way?
Instead, it felt like the more he tried to help, the more she pulled away. Maybe he was doing too much? Or would he simply never be able to do enough?
He huffed quietly and rested his chin against the top of her head. Too many questions, too few answers. There didn’t seem to be anything he could do except wait it out.
If Estelle wanted him gone, she could say so. If he was stepping on her toes, she was adult enough to tell him. If he wasn’t doing enough or was doing the wrong things, again, she would tell him. Right?
“What time is your flight?”
Crew grimaced. He hated this topic. That return flight was looming like a tsunami in the distance, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He needed to go home. He didn’t have to wait another couple of years before coming to visit, but he needed to go back and check on his house and do some work in his business.
He was already talking to an agent about selling the business. He’d have to put his home up as well, but needed the business gone first. In other words, he was doing all he could do, but still…it didn’t feel like enough.
“Right after lunch,” he grunted, shifting his weight from side to side. “But I’ll come visit again as soon as I can.”
There was hesitation before he felt her nod against his chest. At least he knew she wasn’t any happier about it than he was.
They hadn’t talked about their interrupted moment in the hospital. Crew had been afraid to bring it up. Estelle had seemed too fragile and frazzled these last few days. Demanding to talk about their relationship could wait, even if it was important to him.
But you’re not the one mourning your father.
He sighed. “Ready to walk back?” It seemed that waiting was simply going to be his life now, and it was purgatory. He preferred moving forward. He could handle moving back, but standing still? It drove Crew crazy and made him feel useless.
“Go ahead,” Estelle whispered, pulling back from his hold. She faced the ocean again. “I think I need a bit more time.”
That felt decidedly like a dismissal, but Crew hesitated. He didn’t want to leave her if she was staying.
“It’s alright,” she urged him. “I’ll be fine.” Her smile said she was anything but fine, but Crew once again heard the unspoken demand.
“Alright,” he agreed. “I’ll wait for you?”
Estelle shrugged. “I won’t be long.”
Crew took a couple of steps. The desire to reach out and hold her was strong, but he forced his hands into check. She wanted some time alone. He could give her that. Spinning on his heel, he slogged through the sand and weeds until he reached the sidewalk again.
One glance over his shoulder was all he allowed himself before heading back toward the house. The walk did his attitude some good. Too bad it was so short. Estelle’s need for a break was understandable and Crew needed one himself, but first, he would check in and see how the family was doing.
He didn’t bother knocking. No one needed to take the energy to let him into the house at this point. His arrival had become an expected part of the day, and he worked his way first into the kitchen. Aspen spent most of her days there, but today it was empty and the dishes were finished.
A stack of containers from friends and neighbors who had brought food stood in the corner of the counter, but Crew had no idea who they belonged to so he wasn’t much help on that front.
The family room had quite a few people, but most were sleeping. Ethan’s eyes were half open, his wife draped across his lap with a throw pillow and a blanket.
Both Aspen and Austin were conked out on the other couch, Austin looking like he was going to wake up with a kink in his neck.
“You look like you could use a nap yourself,” Ethan muttered, rubbing the spot right between his eyes.
Crew made a face. “I probably could,” he replied softly. “Where’s Mrs. Harrison?”
Ethan sighed. “She’s in their room. Supposed to be sleeping, but…who knows, right?”
Crew nodded. “Should I check on her?”
Ethan shook his head. “No. I think she needs a bit of alone time.”
“Right.” Crew glanced toward the ceiling. “Has anyone talked to Antony today?”
Another sigh. “I know Maeve took him breakfast, but he turned down lunch and he’s refusing to come downstairs. His therapist comes this afternoon, so we’ll let him deal with Tony’s moods.”
Crew nodded again, not knowing what else to say.
“You’re free to lay down somewhere if you want or go back to Mason’s. I think we’re in pretty good shape at the moment.”
Crew hesitated. He’d told Estelle he would be here, but he hadn’t really considered what would happen when he wasn’t needed. She wanted a break. The family needed a break. Now Crew was simply in the way. He wasn’t a husband or a child. He was the boyfriend, which put an extra layer of separation between him and the family. And that was before he considered that the relationship was brand new, as opposed to accepted and acknowledged by everyone.
“Go on, man,” Ethan urged. “You’ve earned the break. I’m sure Layla would like a little more time with her uncle before you fly out.”
With another awkward nod, Crew turned and left. What else was he supposed to do? And Ethan was right. Layla would like some more time with him. She was why he had come in the first place. Estelle had simply been a bonus that turned into his life.
The drive home felt like it went too fast, and his mind was still trying to find purchase when he parked along the side of the street. His feet were chunks of concrete as he walked up the driveway to a frowning little girl at the front door. “What’s wrong, buttercup?” Crew asked, swinging Layla into his arms as he walked inside.
“I miss Papa Tony,” she whispered, her fingers slow in their response.
Crew nodded. “Me too, Princess. It’s always hard when we lose someone we love.”
“Did you love him?”
Crew hesitated for only a moment. “I didn’t know him very well, but several people that I love, loved him, so yeah…I guess that makes me love him too.”
Layla laid her head on his shoulder, and Harper stepped out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel. “Come on, munchkin,” she called loudly. “I’m making a casserole for the Harrisons to put in the freezer. Help me finish it, and we’ll go say hi.”
Crew set Layla down and gave Harper a small smile before plopping on the couch. His eyes burned, and his gut churned. Maybe Ethan was right. Crew did need a nap. Laying his head back, he closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure how any of this was going to go and his determination to make things work with Estelle was waning as she continued to hold him at arm’s length, but for right now, he was still here. Hopefully, that was enough because it was also all he had.