Chapter 32
Matteo showed up half an hour later with his sister, Maria, the social worker, in tow.
Jeremiah was hanging out on the breakroom couch with Bryce and Kai, playing video games on Bryce’s phone.
He automatically tensed when Abigail showed them in.
Kai got to his feet awkwardly. He owed Matteo an apology and an explanation for ghosting him, but now was not the time.
“Kai. I’m glad you called,” Matteo said, pulling him in for a hug and letting him go. Maria clasped his hand in both of hers.
“This is Jeremiah. Jeremiah, these are my friends, Maria and Matteo. I already told Jeremiah that you guys would know exactly what we needed to do.”
“That’s right, Jeremiah. Do you mind if I sit beside you so we can chat?” Maria smiled kindly.
Jeremiah shook his head, and Maria sat in the spot where Kai had been.
“We’re going to give you guys some privacy to talk, but please let us know if you need anything,” Abigail said as she and Bryce moved to leave. Jeremiah shot Kai a panicked look, and Kai took it as a sign to take Bryce’s spot on the couch. Jeremiah immediately relaxed.
“I know you already told Kai what’s going on at home, but do you mind telling Matteo and I?” Maria asked.
Jeremiah told the story again and answered just a few questions too.
Matteo’s expression grew grim as Jeremiah talked.
Kai hadn’t given him any details over the phone, just told him it was urgent and asked him to come as quickly as he could to help a kid.
Hearing it again was just as hard as the first time, and Kai had the horrible urge to hurry them up to go get Jeremiah’s sister and the other women right now.
Maria, though, was calm, focused and encouraging.
Whatever she was doing must be right, because Jeremiah answered all of her questions and seemed less worried, after she’d addressed his concerns.
“No, Children’s Aid is not going to take you away.
They’re going to want to make sure you’re safe, but that’s all.
We’re going to go and make a phone call, and the police are going to go get your sister Ava, and Brianna and Jessi too.
They’re going to make sure they’re okay and then we’re going to find all of you somewhere safe to stay.
You don’t need to worry about Brianna and Jessi.
If they’re allowed to be here for school, no one can send them away. ”
“What about Andrew?” Jeremiah asked.
“The police are going to go question him. They will probably want to talk to you too, but I will be with you the entire time.”
“What about Kai? Is he going to be there?” Jeremiah looked at him, eyes wide and concerned.
“Yeah, I can be there. If I’m allowed?” Kai hated cops. He was sure that they would know every crime he’d ever committed just by being in the same room as him, but there was no way in hell that he would say no to Jeremiah if he wanted him there. Kai looked at Maria, who smiled with reassurance.
“Absolutely,” she answered.
Maria left to make the call, and when she came back she told them that police officers would meet them at the resource centre so they didn’t disturb Abigail any further. Before they left, Abigail made Kai swear to call if he needed any help whatsoever, and he assured her that he would.
The officers who came to talk to Jeremiah were kind enough but intimidating as hell.
He could understand guns and batons and tasers being a part of a cop’s uniform, but that hardly made sense when they were interviewing a kid.
They asked a lot more questions, and Kai was grateful that Maria was there to oversee it all, because he would have been scared out of his mind doing this alone.
Then there was nothing to do but wait. Hours passed. Matteo showed Jeremiah around the resource centre, and he was lured into playing video games with a couple of the kids who were there hanging out. They ate dinner.
Kai sat outside on the front porch, watching the street while Matteo and Maria finished making whatever arrangements need making. When the front door opened, Kai snapped out of his head to see Matteo coming through. He took a seat beside Kai with a groan.
Kai watched him silently, some of his awkwardness sliding back now that they were alone together for the first time.
“So. Are we going to talk about it?” Matteo asked, a small smile playing on his mouth.
“I’m sorry, man. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have left like that. I was an asshole.” Kai rushed the words out, regret heavy in his voice.
“I was worried. It’s not like you to not show up.”
Heat rushed into Kai’s face, remorse hitting him hard. “I fucked up. I was embarrassed. I guess… I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
“Why would I be disappointed in you?” Matteo asked, confused.
Kai didn’t know how to explain to Matteo that the idea of telling him that he’d let Nolan down felt almost as bad as letting Nolan down. He shook his head in frustration.
“Did something happen with Nolan?” Matteo prodded gently.
Kai felt that familiar stab in the heart. “It didn’t work out,” he muttered.
“I’m sorry, man.” Matteo clapped him on the back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Kai shook his head. “I never deserved to be with him anyway.”
“Why? Because he’s rich?” Matteo’s tone was somewhere between skeptical and incredulous.
“No. Because he’s good. Like you.” Kai gave him a small smile even as his chest went tight against the tumult of emotions swirling inside of him.
Matteo’s eyebrows almost hit his hairline. “Oh yeah? And what are you? Should I go ask Jeremiah?”
Kai scoffed. Shaking his head again and looking away, into the distance. The trees that lined the street towered high, their leaves rustling loudly in the breeze. The sun had begun its downward descent, casting the whole street into shadow even as the sky overhead held its bright blue.
“Nah. It’s not the same. I’ve done so many fucked up things, one good thing doesn’t even make a difference.”
Matteo nodded his head in understanding. “So, what’s the number?”
Kai looked back at him, questioningly.
“How many things will it take for you to forgive yourself and move on?”
“I don’t know,” he hedged. “Maybe there’s things you just shouldn’t be allowed to move on from.”
“Damn. A life sentence. That’s unfortunate. You need to hire yourself a good lawyer. You should appeal that shit.”
Kai barked out a laugh despite the sadness weighing on him.
Matteo’s smile was small but amused. “Kai, I don’t want to get preachy but you do yourself and everyone who cares about you a huge disservice when you discount the good you do.
When I say that you show up, I know that for a fact.
I know the way that you care for those boys at home.
You’re wasting your time and your energy martyring yourself to a version of you that you aren’t anymore.
If you don’t like the bad on your scale, keep showing up every day and put some good on it.
Forgive yourself and let yourself be forgiven.
We deserve to have the best version of you. ”
Kai sat frozen, his throat choked as Matteo’s words hit him like so many bullets. We deserve to have the best version of you. What did that even mean? What was the best version of Kai? He didn’t know.
They sat in silence, Kai turning Matteo’s words over in his head.
A young family strolled down the sidewalk, mom and dad holding hands while two kids, no more than five or six, wobbled ahead on their bikes, earnest legs pumping as hard as they could.
Kai fixed his eyes on them, enchanted by their eagerness but feeling just a little wistful.
After a while, a police SUV came down the street, stealing Kai’s attention as it turned into the driveway. From where they sat, Kai could see the face of a young woman in the back seat, lank hair draped around her face and worry all over it. That could only be Jeremiah’s sister.
“I’m going to go get Jeremiah,” Kai said, getting immediately to his feet and rushing into the centre.
“Jeremiah!” he called urgently.
A second later, Jeremiah came pelting from out of the back and down the hall. “Is it my sister?”
“I think so.”
Jeremiah ran past him, out the front door, and Kai followed.
“Ava!” Jeremiah yelled, barrelling right into her, wrapping his arms around her waist as she rushed up the pathway to meet him.
“Jeremiah! Oh my God! I was so freaking scared! Are you okay?” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her expression morphing into relief as she held him tight.
“Yeah. Are you? Brianna? Jessi?”
“They’re okay. They’re still at the station giving their statements. They arrested Andrew.”
“Good! I’m glad. I’m not sorry,” he said stubbornly. Ava gave him a sad smile and hugged him tight.
“Come,” Jeremiah said, breaking her hold and dragging her by the hand to where Kai was standing. “This is Kai and Matteo. This is my sister, Ava. Kai called Matteo and Maria, and they did everything.”
Ava held out her hand to shake Kai’s, and when their eyes met, Kai recognized the sadness in hers. He could see her suffering, and he hoped, with everything in him right then, that she’d be able to get the help she needed from now on.
Maria and Anna ushered the siblings inside.
Kai didn’t really know what to do with himself now. Jeremiah and Ava were safe, and Maria, Anna and Matteo would take care of everything from there. He picked up his backpack.
“Hey, where are you going?” Matteo asked.
“I’m just going to say bye and then go.”
“Where are you staying these days?”
Kai hesitated.
“Come stay with me. I have a spare room, and if you don’t argue with me, I’ll forget to be offended that you didn’t ask me a month ago.”
“Alright. Thanks, Matteo.” Kai smiled, and Matteo clapped him on the back again.
“Come on. Let’s go make sure everyone has what they need, and we’ll take off.”
Two hours later, Kai lay on the bed in Matteo’s spare room, flipping his old phone between his fingers.
The shower he’d taken had been the best one he’d had in over a month.
Quiet and clean and uninterrupted. He was exhausted, and mentally and emotionally drained from the day.
The thought of those vulnerable girls being exploited by that predator had reminded him of all of the times he’d been vulnerable in his past. It made him sick to his stomach.
Liam had taught him how to make himself invulnerable though, and even though that had not always felt good, it was certainly better than being prey for other people.
In the silence of Matteo’s house, his thoughts turned to Nolan. The longing was always worse at night. Nolan’s bed was always where he’d felt the closest to him, when he’d had his undivided attention.
Kai wasn’t sure if it was just the day or maybe the look in Ava’s eyes or just lying in a room that should have felt welcoming, but Kai felt Nolan’s absence a hundredfold tonight.
He was desperate for something, and it filled him with a sense of urgency that he didn’t know what to do with.
He felt restless and frustrated and he knew he would never be able to sleep like this.
Kai jerked at a sudden knock at his door.
“Can I come in?” Matteo called through the door.
“Yeah, come in,” Kai answered, sitting up and moving to the edge of the bed.
“How’re you doing? Need anything?” Matteo asked, poking his head into the room.
“No, I’m good. Thanks, Matteo.”
“Okay. I’m just doing some work in my room before bed if you change your mind.”
“Actually, can I borrow your phone?” he asked impulsively, surprising himself with the request.
“Sure. Knock on my door when you’re done with it.
” He lobbed it over to Kai, calling out his pin as he did it.
Kai caught it and waited for the door to close before looking down at the phone in his hand.
His heart started racing. He hadn’t made the conscious decision to call, but now that he had Matteo’s phone, he couldn't bring himself to think the decision through rationally. He dialled Nolan’s number with trembling fingers.
“Hey, man, how’s it going?”
The sound of Nolan’s voice after so long was a sledgehammer to his chest, an explosion of pain that radiated from his heart to every single part of his body. His skin felt like someone brushed a live wire against it as his throat immediately closed.
He was supposed to be there. Nolan was supposed to be his Daddy. Nolan was supposed to take care of him. Nolan was supposed to be the one with the answers.
Fuck, he needed him.
Suddenly, Kai felt wildly, and inexplicably, angry, and he was both ashamed and bewildered by where it had come from. He just knew that he wanted to rail at Nolan for abandoning him. For not being there when he’d promised to take care of him.
“Hello? Matteo, are you there?”
Kai held his breath, unable to speak, scared that, if he did, he would say something horrible when, underneath it all, what he desperately wanted, was to be back where his heart and his head and his soul told him he belonged.
Nolan didn’t say anything for a full minute. Then:
“Kai?”
Nolan said his name, thick with uncertainty, and, without thinking, Kai slammed his thumb on the “end call” button. Nolan called back immediately. Kai declined the call. He called again, and Kai let it ring out, shoving the heels of his palms into his eyes as his body shook from silent sobs.