Chapter 34
“Hey, are you okay?” Felicity asked, resting a hand on his arm as he watched Nolan drive away. He’d picked up the phone from the counter, and it sat loosely in his hand while he tried to process what had just happened.
No, he wasn’t okay. He was shaken from the unexpected encounter and now his brain chanted, “What does it mean?” in a loop like it believed he, somehow, had the answers.
“I need a minute,” Kai told her, already walking away.
Thankfully, the cafe was in the middle of a lull, and Priya was there if Felicity needed back up.
Kai beelined for the storage room at the back.
He didn’t bother turning on the light, just tucked himself into the corner and let gravity take him to the ground as he folded in on himself.
What does it mean? What does it mean? He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in and holding it as he tried to regulate his breathing before he went into a full spiral.
Nolan’s face popped into his mind's eye, standing in his cafe. He’d looked tired, the bags under his eyes mirroring Kai’s, but he also looked so perfect.
I haven’t been sleeping well, he’d said.
Because they were supposed to be sleeping together.
How could they rest properly when they weren’t together?
Kai cradled the phone in both of his hands, taking it in for the first time. He’d given it back. Did that mean that he wanted Kai to call? Or maybe he’d left a message. Kai swiped up, quickly pulling up the messages app but there was nothing there.
“Kai?” The door opened, and light flicked on as Abigail poked her head into the room. “Are you okay? Felicity said you seemed upset.”
Kai rested his head against the wall and sighed. “I’m fine. I just needed to get my head right.”
“Does this have something to do with the extremely handsome stranger you just served because, phew, I understand needing a breather after that.”
Kai closed his eyes; the laugh he allowed himself barely reached his ears. God, she was so unserious sometimes, but the rush of affection for his boss displaced some of his jitters.
“Do you mind if I sit with you for a few minutes?” she asked, tenderness in her voice. When he shook his head, she sat beside him, cross-legged on the floor, “Tell me about him.”
Kai didn’t know where to start. “He’s perfect. Sweet. Caring. It felt like the universe was playing a joke on me when I met him. We weren’t even together all that long.”
“I don’t think time really matters all that much. Sometimes you have a connection with someone, and it runs so deep, it feels like it always was.”
“That’s exactly how it felt. I never understood about soul mates, but the first time I saw him, I just knew who he was to me. Was it like that with Eli?”
“Oh yes,” she answered, voice wistful. “We were high school sweethearts. We just knew we were always going to be together.”
“I knew I was going to fuck it up somehow, and then I did and I couldn’t even be mad about it. I called him last night. After everything. I just needed to hear his voice for a second, but he answered the phone and I was just so angry at him and it’s not fair because he didn’t do anything wrong.”
He looked over at her. For once, she wasn’t smiling, her forehead furrowed with concentration like she was trying to process what he was saying.
“I think we get angry when our sense of fairness is violated. It doesn’t always have to make sense to other people.
It doesn’t even have to be rational. I was so mad at Eli for dying,” she admitted.
“He obviously couldn’t help it, but sometimes I get this irrational feeling that he should have tried harder not to die.
If it was me, I would have tried harder. Maybe that’s what you felt?”
Kai smiled at her ridiculousness, but when he thought about it, the truth was, he would have tried harder to stay if their roles had been reversed.
He nodded slowly. Rationally, Kai knew that he’d broken Nolan’s trust, and Nolan had told him up front about the consequences of that, but Nolan had made other promises.
Sometimes, it felt unfair that those could be undone so easily.
In the light of day, it was easier to recognize that he’d made it impossible for Nolan to keep his promises. Kai had been in a shit headspace last night, but after unburdening himself to Abigail, his head was a bit clearer.
And Nolan had showed up. Kai had, without thinking about it, opened a door and Nolan had walked right in like he’d been waiting on the other side. Kai’s heart went wild as he looked down at the phone in his hand. Was Nolan waiting for him to decide what happened next?
Abigail patted his arm, getting to her feet.
“I’m going to get back out there. You take as much time as you need.”
“No. I’m good. I’ll come.” Abigail held out a hand and Kai took it, pushing off the ground to get to his feet. When he got there, Abigail squeezed his hand before letting go.
“He clearly cares about you still. I hope I get a chance to meet him.”
Kai smiled. He kind of hoped that too.
That night, he lay in bed again, but this time it was the phone Nolan had given him in his hand.
He’d already gone through it; most things were as he left them, but there was a slew of new text messages, most of them from Katie, which made him squirm with guilt.
He would need to get in touch with her soon, but tonight, his thoughts were elsewhere, namely eighteen kilometres from here.
He needed to sleep, given his absurdly early wake time, but he was pretty sure that Nolan was at home, waiting for him to call.
He wanted to, probably even more than yesterday, because he knew that Nolan would not have given him the phone if he didn’t expect him to use it.
The problem was that Kai was stuck in the “to what end” of it all.
He knew he wanted Nolan back, and he was tentatively hopeful that Nolan wanted the same.
The real problem was that Kai fully expected himself to fuck it up again, and then what would happen to him?
He’d barely pulled himself through this time and he was no closer to getting over Nolan than the day that they’d parted ways.
He didn’t think that he would survive it if he had to do it again.
The closer the clock rolled to ten, the more antsy he felt. If he didn’t call soon, he would have to wait until tomorrow and Kai couldn’t do that. He would never survive the suspense.
He quickly hit the phone call button on their chat and put it on speakerphone, his heart rate immediately jumping to a race.
“Hello?” Nolan’s voice came down the line, sending Kai’s heart into his throat, making him choke on any response he wanted to give.
“Still not talking to me, huh? Honestly, I don’t blame you.”
He didn’t? That didn’t make any sense. Kai was the one who had fucked up. “I’m glad you called though. I’ve been so worried about you, baby. Don’t be mad at Matteo for telling me where you were. He was just trying to help, okay?”
Kai wasn’t mad at Matteo. He had assumed that Matteo said something to Nolan even before he’d confessed. Kai was the one who had called Nolan on Matteo’s phone, though, so what had he expected?
Plus, Kai had got to see him again and hear his voice and he’d thought, for a long time, he’d never have that again. He still didn’t say anything, sifting through his thoughts, but his quiet didn’t seem to bother Nolan at all.
“There’s so much we need to talk about,” Nolan said, “but it’s late, and I know you work in the morning, so why don’t we save it for another day, hmm? Plus, I know why you really called.”
Kai heard rustling from the other end of the line, straining to hear what was going on. “Alright, settle down now. Do you remember where we left off? You know what? I’ll just go back to the beginning of the chapter.”
All of the tension leaked out of his body as Nolan started reading.
Kai rolled onto his side and put the phone right beside his head so that he could listen, but he didn’t sleep or drowse.
He stayed wide awake, listening to the sound of Nolan’s voice, letting it soothe him the way that only Nolan could.
Nolan read until Kai’s eyes burned from the force of keeping them open. His brain jerked to alertness again when Nolan stopped. When he spoke next, his voice was soft.
“I don’t know if you’re awake over there, but I want you to know I missed you every second of every day.
One day really soon, I’m going to have you back here where you belong and when that happens, I’m never letting you go again.
We’re going to figure this out, and then it’s going to be you and I until the end. ”
Kai knew he should say something, but what was he supposed to say? Yes? Yes, please? He owed Nolan an apology. He definitely owed him an explanation. Before he could come up with anything, Nolan sighed. “Get some rest sweetheart, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
When Nolan hung up, Kai was left holding his phone. Nolan’s words were still ringing in his ears. Kai desperately wanted to believe them. He wanted that with his whole entire heart, but he wasn’t sure if he trusted it yet. Instead, he opened up his message app.
Kai:
I missed you too.