CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
SEAN
Something had changed. It was the first hint of spring blowing in, reminding me that summer always returned.
Flowers would bloom, birds would sing, and the beaches would open.
Maybe it was the little glimpses of beauty I was finding in everything lately, like the fluffy gray pigeon feather dancing on the wind above the gum-stained sidewalk.
One thing I was certain of: Matteo had opened my eyes. No matter what happened between us, I was thankful to have known him.
When I’d awoken at eleven, he was already gone, the spot where he slept next to me still warm.
He’d left a note to let me know he’d gone to practice piano at the center and had folded a fresh batch of laundry.
Our clothes were mixed, my underwear with his, the flannel I’d given him for Christmas hanging on a hook next to one of my shirts.
If I walked into the living room, I’d find some of his books on famous composers scattered around the coffee table.
If I turned the television on, I’d be offered recommendations for R.E.M and Radiohead music videos.
He’d branded himself on me just as much as I would him.
It didn’t bother me as much as I wanted it to, because I knew I was sublimely in the honeymoon phase. I just hoped it lasted a long time. Fuck if all the shared dinners and chores didn’t make it feel like were married. Or something.
I snickered to myself as I made my way over to Marco’s Fresh Market, where I was meeting Gabriel for lunch.
I was beyond happy for Danny and Jere and maybe a bit envious.
But they deserved it, and weddings were always fun.
In the past, they’d meant hooking up with guests.
Now, all I wanted to do was dance with Matteo and get a taste of the possibility of us exchanging vows.
I spotted Gabriel sitting next to the panoramic windows, looking at something on his phone. He noticed me and waved, his face lighting up.
He stood to meet me, and I pulled him into a hug. “Sorry I’m a little late. Overslept.”
“I’m a natural morning person. I don’t know how you’re able to stay up past eleven.
But when you have a hot guy in your bed the last thing you want to do is sleep, I guess,” he said.
He held me at arm’s length. “You don’t look very sleepy.
In fact, you look…rejuvenated and not at all how you sounded on the phone last week. ”
I bit back my smile. “Let’s get some lunch and I’ll tell you all about it. I’m starving.”
We each got grilled salmon and rice from the cafe and sat back down to enjoy our meal.
Gabriel started talking first. “Is he anyone I might know?”
“No,” I said, cracking a can of Diet Coke. “And he is nothing like you might imagine. Heck, even I couldn’t have foreseen myself being with someone like him.”
“Well, like they say, opposites attract. My father never forgets to tell me it’s always the people we expect the least to leave an impression on us.”
“True, but I feel like we're on the same wavelength, you know? Just on opposite ends and we found a way to meet in the middle. We kind of bonded over religious trauma and it all spiraled from there.” Talking about Matteo was coming easier than I thought it would. Looks like I’d passed the want-to-keep-him-all-to-myself phase and was more than happy to brag to the world. “Honestly, I had no fucking chance.”
“Uh oh. He’s not closeted, is he?”
“No. Not even close.” I shuffled my hair and gulped my can of soda.
“Good, because speaking from experience, dating closeted men can only end in trouble.”
“Well, I’ve never dated any closeted men, but I’ve had plenty of sex with them. They can be very…adventurous.”
We shared a snicker. “Don’t I know? It’s always the shy, reserved ones that are the kinkyest.”
“Seriously? I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, because I realized something, but I don’t know if he feels the same way.”
“Damn. You fell?” I had his full attention now, his brows shooting up.
I shrugged meekly and stabbed my plastic fork into the filet.
“Not all that surprising. One amazing blowjob and the next thing you know, you’re thinking about planning your wedding. Oh, did you hear?”
“About Danny and Jere? He told you, huh?”
“He just didn’t tell me. He called and talked my ear off for a half hour about ideas for venues and decorations. To be honest, I’m humbled he thought enough of me to invite me to his wedding.”
“He’s like that. He cares about the people in his life and it’s nice to know he put you in that circle. I mean, you have your uses.”
“How you objectify me. I’m more than the skill of my hands, you know.” A playful light twinkled in his eyes, and I briefly wished we had worked out. He lowered his lashes and said lowly, “Or have you forgotten?”
I bit my lip to keep from responding. I wasn’t walking into that one. Gabriel had definitely taught me a thing or two about techniques in the bedroom.
“In any case, I'm looking forward to the wedding. At least I’ll keep his back in tip-top shape, so he’ll be at his best on his wedding night,” he said, wagging his brows. “I told myself this morning I’d behave and act my age. Looks like I’m failing.”
I winked. “See? You’re useful. And I imagine most old gays are as lecherous as eighteen-year-olds.”
He was quiet for a moment, a shadow passing over his expression. He shrugged. “So you fell, and are afraid of telling him?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
He leaned back in his chair and dragged his hand through his hair.
“I wish I could offer you advice. I want to say I’d be upfront and share my feelings, but I don’t know if I’d have the courage to put myself out there and take the chance of having my heart crushed. Sex is safer than love, isn’t it?”
“I can safely say I've never been in love before. After experiencing the whirlwind of emotions with him, I think I’m in trouble if it goes south.” I dragged in a deep breath, feeling like I was off kilter from it all. “It feels weird saying it. I mean, love is just a word, amirite?”
“You give us old men everywhere hope we can find love in our advanced ages,” he said lightly. “Seriously though, I think you should tell him.”
“I know.” I mashed my cheek against my fist and pushed my food away. “What is it they say? Better to have loved and lost, than to never have known love at all?”
He shook his head and looked off in the distance, the lines on his face seeming deeper. Damn, we were getting old. He was one year away from forty and obsessed over his age more than I ever had.
“Sometimes I feel like we’re all a bunch of scared little boys stumbling through life, hoping there is another scared little boy out there that gets us. I thought I came close once with you.”
I reached across the table and grazed his knuckles. “Don’t, Gabe. I know where you’re going.”
He shrugged. “It’s how I feel sometimes. I can’t help thinking if I tried not being that way.”
“That’s bullshit. That’s like saying you want to try not being gay. It’s who you are.”
“Loneliness makes us desperate, I suppose. Sucking off a stranger in public is losing its charm but it’s an involuntary need for me at this point.”
A little smile ticked at my lips. “Because it’s better if you had someone to share the experience with. Don’t apologize for liking what you do.”
“Okay. I’m going to be a grown up now. TLDR version is that I think you should tell him. The worst thing you could do by keeping your feelings to yourself is that you end up hurting each other, right?”
“It’s weird having you be all logical,” I said and looked away, not wanting to face the truth.
He shrugged. “I didn’t want to tell you about my proclivities for fear of exactly what happened. But if I didn’t it would have caused problems down the road. How would you feel if I’d gone behind your back because I needed the experience? And how do you think I’d feel if I hurt you like that?”
I nodded, conceding his point. Gabriel’s exhibition had been a deal breaker for me.
“It’s my turn to be honest now. Public sex didn’t exactly terrify me.
I’d taken part in enough orgies when I was young.
The reason why I couldn’t do that with you is because when I was twenty-four, I made a promise to myself I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone unless it meant something. ”
“You talked a bit about that before. I didn’t press you on it because I didn’t want to pry.”
“And doing that with you, it would make it feel like I was breaking that promise. Amirite?” Getting it out was a breath of fresh air.
I hadn’t exactly explained in depth why I didn’t want to partake in public sex with him.
I should have told him a long time ago and he hadn’t asked for a deep discussion about it.
I supposed he’d gotten used to being dumped on the account of his sexual needs.
“All the sex was me trying to fill a void, and I promised myself I’d take better care of myself.
I think, in trying to keep that promise, I put up a wall between myself and the rest of the world. ”
“I get it,” he said, and I knew he was thinking about the possibility of us working. “I’m glad I found the strength to be honest with you. I would have you as my friend any day over a bitter and hurt ex.”
Something passed between us. Closure. And love of the friendship variety.
“I haven’t been intimate with anyone since you,” I blurted. “You were special to me. Still are. I need you to know that.”
He actually blushed. “You are too, which is why I told you.” He pointed at me with his fork. “So be honest with him and tell him you’ve fallen in love with his magnificent dick.”
I laughed so loud, several heads turned in my direction. We finished our lunch and went our separate ways.
I don’t know why, but I scrolled through my contacts and hit my parent’s number. It had been three years since I’d last called them. The last time I’d attempted to establish a relationship, my mother had answered with a clipped: Unless you want to repent, we have nothing to talk about.
I supposed, even now, I hoped something had changed. But when I got the generic number not in service, I knew I was wasting my energy on things I couldn’t change. It still sung and I dragged my feet home, tears pricking at my eyes.
I’d come to a firm decision. It was appealing keeping my feelings to myself because I was too scared of losing him. I wanted to live in the illusion that he was mine. At the same time, I wanted him to know how special he was and that he was loved.
I was going to tell him how I felt. But not yet. I wanted a little more time with my brat.