CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
MATTEO
July
My heart was pounding, sending the blood pulsing in my ears and my mouth was like cotton as I waited backstage for the young woman to finish playing cello.
“Here,” Sean said, offering me a water bottle.
I accepted and drank liberally. I liked that he knew what I needed, sometimes better than I did.
He was the E to my F note, my life made more colorful and richer by his existence.
He ran his palm in a circle on my back, his heat soaking through my Valentino dress shirt.
I’d always been comfortable in finery, but I was fidgety and itchy from nerves.
“You’re going to be great,” he murmured against my ear as the girl's piece entered its climax.
I was unlucky and assigned to play my piece second from last, so I got to watch all the applicants play. They were all very good and deserved a spot in the concerto. Compounding the situation was that only one pianist position was available, so my competition was fierce.
“I know. I’ve practiced for months and my rendition of “Un Sospiro” is as good as it’s going to get, but…”
“But?”
I shook my head. “It’s as if my entire life hinges on this moment. If I don’t get in, I can kiss my dreams of studying at Curtis goodbye. And if I do get in and I’m accepted—Curtis is in Pennsylvania.”
“I told you. I’ll never hold you back from your music.”
“I know but, I just…”
He stole my words with a kiss full of promise that no matter what happened or where we went, we’d always be in each other's life.
He wagged his brows. “Phone sex is fun, amirite?”
“I haven’t done that yet,” I said, mulling over the possibility of studying piano in Philadelphia, and drowning myself in musical culture, while at night talking with my Pooh Bear and fooling around over the phone.
Absence made the heart grow fonder and all that.
And I imagined he’d come visit. We could see so many sights, do so many things but when it was all said and done, we’d still have each other.
The cello cut off and there was a soft round of applause. Fuck. I was next. This was the most important moment of my life, and I was going to blunder it.
He cupped my face and pecked my lips. “Screw everyone else. Play for you, brat, only you.”
My name was announced. His confidence in me meant the world and I walked onto stage with my head held high.
The audience was filled with supporting family members and friends of the applicants.
Danny and his fiancée were attending in the back row and gave me an enthusiastic thumbs up.
My mother was next to them, dressed impeccably, her hands folded under her chin as if she were sending me a prayer.
Things were strained between us, but her being here meant a lot.
Turning my attention to the judges in the first row, I told myself I could do this over and over. “Thank you for allowing me this opportunity. My name is Matteo Raphael Fernandez. I’m twenty-one, from the Kenilworth neighborhood and I am honored to play for you today.”
“Nice to meet you, Matteo. What will you be playing for us?” One of the judges asked.
“I will be playing “Un Sospiro”. The piece sums up the journey life has taken me on. Despite my rough start it’s impossible for me to not see the beauty of this world.”
“Very well,” he said and motioned to the piano being wheeled into the center of the stage.
I took my seat on the bench and stroked the dark wood of the keyboard’s cover. The instrument was of similar make and model to Nana’s grand piano and the moment I touched the ivory keys, all the tension and worry floated away.
Taking a deep breath, I started playing, the lights and wood of the stage floating away until I was in Nana’s living room, with Sean sitting in the chair, one leg over the arm rest as he watched me play.
It didn’t matter what piano I was playing, whether my grandmother’s or another’s, the instrument was just a conduit to the music within me.
I played for myself and the fond memories of the mornings I’d shared with Nana; I played because I’d never forgotten the silly games my mother and I had partaken behind my father’s back and for my father who had shown me the darkest parts of the world.
But the light was at its brightest in the shadow.
Mostly, I played for Sean, who had taught me to appreciate my music in a unique way. He’d shown me what it meant to be loved and was the most amazing and beautiful person I knew. He was “Un Sospiro” and “La Campanella” given form.
The final notes echoed, slowly melting into the silence of the room.
The nerves were gone, replaced by a sense of peace so profound, I thought I’d burst from happiness.
I came to stand at the edge of the stage and thanked the judges for their time.
I could barely see them, not because of the glaring lights, but because I was crying.
I raced for the comfort of Sean behind the stage and fell into his arms. He held me so tightly I thought I’d pop. “I didn’t play for me. I played for us.”
He squeezed me harder. “Love you, brat.”
“Love you, too, Pooh Bear.”
I dried my eyes just as Danny and Jere met us backstage.
“That was seriously inspiring,” Danny said.
“Yeah,” his fiancé chimed in. “It’s like you have a superpower.”
Danny snickered. “We are both comic nerds. Anyway, thanks for inviting us, it was an experience. We wanted to ask you something… We’ve been trying to figure out the entertainment for our wedding and came to the conclusion that nothing is more romantic than piano. Would you play a few songs for us?”
I was excited and humbled all at once and nearly started crying again. Sharing my music with people was all I wanted. “I would be honored. Have you found a venue yet?”
“Ugh,” Danny complained. “Never get married in the summer. We’ve found a few prospects, but the options are limited due to price. We’ve both agreed to a certain budget. I insist we keep the wedding small, but it seems to grow every day.”
“But you made the guest list,” Jere countered. “You said you’d make cuts but added more.”
“How could I not invite the lawyer? If it weren’t for him we wouldn’t be able to afford a wedding,” he hedged. “And your girls back in Springfield that are like sisters to you? Should I not invite them?”
Sean chuckled and cut in. “Jere, my friend. Never argue with the bride.”
Danny huffed and play-punched Sean in his chest. “I am not a bridezilla. Not yet.”
I passed Sean a look who nodded in approval. “I—we were thinking about that. My grandmother's house is big and comes with its own beachfront property so let me host. And with the money you’d save, you can splurge on other things like flowers or food.”
“Matteo, that’s far too generous,” Danny rasped.
Jere shrugged. “I think it’s a great idea. We can afford that road trip honeymoon you talked about.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Let it be my wedding gift to you guys, please? I want to do this,” I insisted.
“Yeah?” He asked Jere then wobbled over to me with his fancy cane and pulled me into a hug. I embraced him, glad to have a new friend and be a part of something special. “Thank you.”
“Are we still on for next week?” Sean asked.
We’d set up a double date to check out Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Apparently it had an awesome gay nightlife.
Now that my audition was over, I could get out and enjoy my life with Sean.
Besides, sitting home and waiting for a call to let me know if I had been accepted into the concerto or not would drive me insane.
He’d been sweet and understanding that I’d needed to practice as much as possible leading up to the big day.
“Absolutely,” Jere said and banged fists with Sean.
When we were alone, Sean wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. “I’m proud of you, brat. It took a lot of balls to get on that stage. I’m not sure I could have done something like that.”
“What? You, afraid of the stage?” I teased lightly.
“Shaking my ass for dollar bills is different,” he countered.
A slow smile pulled at my lips. “I want you to do a strip dance for me.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed.
“You like peacocking for me,” I pressed, that giddy sensation bouncing through me.
“Hm, you’re right. Maybe I’ll do a little dance at their bachelor party.”
I snorted, amused.
“So, what now? Lunch and a movie? Bar crawl to celebrate your successful audition?” He wagged his brows and whispered, “celebratory blowjob?”
I bit my lip in indecision. “Actually, I was wondering if I could take you somewhere? It’s not far.”
We said goodbye to my mother then headed out.
The drive to our destination was a half hour north of downtown Chicago, close to Kenilworth.
The old and ornate lichgate of the cemetery loomed over us as we passed through.
This place had once been a sanctuary for me, an outlet to talk about the shit I was going through without judgment.
I hadn’t visited for three years because it was the first place my father would have looked.
Sean followed my directions and parked the car along the curb. We got out and I linked our hands as I guided him toward the mausoleum housing my extended family.
I cut around behind it to the trees shading large pillars and monoliths and closed my eyes.
I listened to the birds singing and the summer breeze blowing through the leaves, the sounds of nature its own music.
“I was a weird kid. I loved coming here, first with Nana, then on my own after she died. I find all the old architecture of the mausoleums and the watchful trees beautiful. Mostly, I just like talking to the dead.”
He squeezed my hand in silent support.
I pointed at a pair of granite obelisks of carved stone reaching eight feet and crowned with holy crosses.
“Raphael and Maria Fernandez, the first of my family that migrated to the U.S.. They started from little and built a thriving business and invested in hotels. They had eleven children, the youngest of which was Nana’s grandfather. ”
We walked around the trunk of a big oak tree to another pair of monuments.
I cleared away some twigs and sat down in front of them.
Sean cozied up next to me. “My grandfather and grandmother. They wanted to be buried in the open and not in the mausoleum where most of my family rests. Nana said she wanted the sun on her.”
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. His quiet support meant the world.
I cleared away the weeds from the base of the stone. “Hi, Nana. I want you to meet someone. This is Sean. You’d like him. He makes a good cup of tea.”
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Fernandez-Berger,” he said, tracing her name carved in the stone.
“I know it’s been a while but I want you to know I’m going to be okay,” I said as tears gathered in my eyes.
I’d done so much crying lately I might be dehydrated but I hadn’t been able to express my emotions living with my father.
“I had an audition to join a concerto today. I performed well. No matter what happens, I’m not alone. ”
I wasn’t sure how long we sat by their grave, the afternoon slipping away until we ended up against the oak tree, my back against Sean as he held me. I wondered if he thought it was slightly odd I’d spent my teenage years here talking to the dead.
“After I left home, I told myself I didn’t believe anymore. But now, I’m not so sure,” I said, serenity enveloping me.
“It’s okay if you do. It’s okay if you don’t,” he said. “My opinion? Religion isn’t about anything being true, but how it makes you feel and if it inspires you to do good, then I’m all for it.”
I craned my head so I could kiss him. “Thanks for coming here with me today.”
“You’re welcome,” he murmured and kissed me back.