Chapter 14
ALLYSON
“That went pretty well,” I say with certainty, but then I hedge. “I think.”
Bruce grunts but is making progress with actual words. “Mostly. Except for the part where you tackled me.”
He’s teasing me and has an actual smile breaking across his face when it’s just the two of us. It’s breathtaking, especially when it reaches his eyes. They sparkle like I haven’t seen in way too long, though the once-familiar light is surrounded by new crinkles at the corners of his eyes.
I push at his shoulder playfully, wanting the easiness to continue. “You told me to.”
Oh, shit. I’m flirting.
Am I flirting? I didn’t mean to, but it just happened. When was the last time I actually did this?
A quick flashback of the handful of dates I went on after my divorce plays across my mind like a flickering movie.
It seemed like the thing to do at the time, a ‘hop back up on that horse’ mentality, and I’d wanted to show Jeremy, and myself, that I was fine.
I think the ink was still wet on my divorce papers when I’d downloaded a popular dating app.
I quickly realized after a few dates that I wasn’t fine or ready and just as quickly deleted the app, choosing instead to take the time to work on me, in particular undoing all the mental shit Jeremy did to me.
I’ve been happy for a while now, but somehow, it never seemed like riding that horse again was in my cards. Too busy, too focused on Cooper, too proud of being on my own.
But here in this moment, flirting with Bruce feels easy and natural.
“That’s true, but I wasn’t expecting to slip and end up in the grass. You got me good.” The smallest chuckle makes his chest shake, making me feel victorious that I’ve made this beast Bruce has become smile and laugh.
Maybe this is going to be okay? This has got to be a good sign that we can work together for the kids and no one will go ballistic or get their feelings hurt.
Realistically, I know Bruce would be the explosive one, and I’m the one with the most potential of having my heart stomped on.
I don’t want to want Bruce, but the magnetic pull he has on me is strong, which means I have to be even stronger to fight it.
“That’s what you’re going with?” I banter back. “The old ‘I slipped’ excuse? You said it yourself. I took the infamous Brutal Tannen down fair and square.”
“You’re something else, Allyson Meyers.” It sounds like high praise, maybe even an admission he didn’t intend to make, as he shakes his head and eyes me thoughtfully.
I can feel his eyes sweeping along my skin like a palpable touch.
“You okay from the tackle? Sorry I didn’t even ask. I was a little caught up.”
I nod slowly, my lip disappearing behind my teeth in an attempt to keep words back.
I’m not even sure what I want to say, what I want to ask, but I know it’s not about the tackle.
No, it’s all there, fighting to get free from the deep, dark hole I’ve shoved those thoughts into.
And letting those birds fly sounds like a dangerous idea.
Bruce’s thumb reaches up to brush the edge of my mouth, and I don’t stop the poutiness of my lower lip as it pops from my teeth to chase his touch.
The light moment’s gone in a poof, replaced by the heated thought of our bodies pressed against each other, even though the pad had been between us. I don’t mean to, but my attention drops to his crotch, remembering his earlier warning about his erection.
“I’m okay. Are you? That was a pretty hard hit.”
Fire. Dynamite. Nuclear fuckin’ bombs. I’m playing with them all at once, daring them to consume me, but I can’t stop, even as my mind screams at me to back away slowly and run the other way.
As loud as my brain is, my body is louder, hungrier, needier, and its growls of desire are deep and hot. And undeniable.
He steps closer, and I can feel myself leaning in as he pulls me into his orbit.
Sexy, big, growly man with eyes I want to fall into, swimming in their dark depths until I gasp for air.
Suddenly, riding that horse sounds like something I could do.
I’ve never been a real cowgirl, but I’m sure as hell that I could ride the fuck out of Bruce Tannen right now.
“You’re always a hard hit. To my body . . .”
Yessss. His words are vibrations against my skin, though his lips don’t touch me. I tilt my head, giving him better access to my neck, but he doesn’t kiss me. Instead, I can just feel the heat of his breath.
“To my mind . . .”
Mmmm.
“To my heart . . .”
Errrk. Record scratch on that one.
“What?” I ask in confusion. “I didn’t break your heart. You broke mine.” It’s a bitter accusation that reminds me why this is such a bad idea.
Bruce’s brows jump together and his face goes stony cold. “You said yourself that we have history. Don’t try to rewrite it now because you need dicking.”
Crass, crude motherfucker.
Wait, no . . . not that last one because I’m not playing into his game. He’s trying to distract me, throwing up walls and flashbangs to spin me around. I don’t play games . . . not anymore. So I call his bullshit right out, no holds barred as I step back to get some space between us.
“I don’t need dicking. If I wanted to get fucked, I could get fucked ten ways to Sunday by any number of guys on several different websites.
” His jaw clenches, and I take that as acknowledgement that I’m right and keep diving deeper.
“And I’m not rewriting shit. What happened, happened.
It was a long time ago, and neither of us can change it now.
Nor am I willing to hop on your guilt-trip train. It’s over. Done.”
With that, I turn to walk away, not giving a shit that my damp ponytail probably flicks him in the face. He deserves it after his little digs.
His rough hand wraps around my forearm, stopping me, and I instinctively jerk it out of his grip. “Don’t touch me.”
Bruce holds his hands up, fingers spread wide and showing me his palms. He’s acting like I’m a skittish animal that might go into a biting-foamy-mouth-rabid-attack mode any second. “What did you mean?”
“About what?” I bite. But not with my mouth, just my tone. Besides, I don’t have rabies or any other diseases. I know because I got tested after Jeremy.
Bruce speaks quietly. “You said I broke your heart, not the other way around. I remember that conversation, Allyson. You broke up with me.”
Sometimes, emotions and the way we express them get a little haywire in our brains.
That’s why people laugh at funerals or cry happy tears.
Like it’s all just so much to process that the little emotional characters at the helm just start pulling levers and flipping switches, and paradoxical emotions pour forth without sense.
That’s the only reason I can imagine for what happens next.
I laugh. And not some dainty, sweet bell-tinkling laughter. Oh, no, big belly laughs erupt from me like I just heard the best joke ever told. But the truth is, what Bruce just said isn’t a joke.
He’s looking at me like I’ve lost every marble I ever had, and maybe I have because I take the time to actually explain myself. My therapist would be proud. I am.
“I might’ve been the one to say the words ‘it’s over’, but we both know it was over long before that.
” I emphasize the words, wanting him to hear them specifically.
Because surely, he knows that I was well aware of what was happening here at home while I was away at school. We never discussed it then, but I knew.
I knew so much it cut me to the bone and destroyed me. I knew that things would never be the same between Bruce and me and that I’d never love like that again, innocent and na?ve, giving my whole heart without reservation.
Bruce leans down, putting his face in mine. “What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?”
If he did that to anyone else, they’d melt under the sheer weight of his demand to speak. That I can withstand it gives me a twisted delight at how far I’ve come.
Or maybe it’s a sign of how much you trust him.
Well, shit. That’s true too, and probably the larger contributing factor that lets me hold my position without giving Bruce an inch.
“I knew you were always in a hurry to get off the phone with me, didn’t want to hear about my classes or what was going on with me.
I knew . . .” I pause, taking a fortifying breath as I delve into the most painful betrayal of my young life.
“About the parties after the football games, about walking Naomi Wilcox to classes and carrying her books, about giving her rides home. I knew you were cheating on me.”
His eyes are wide as saucers and dark as ink, but pure fury radiates off him. “Are you fuckin’ serious right now, Allyson? Is that what you think? Who filled your head with all that shit?”
So many questions, but I’ve got some of my own.
As mad as he is, as scared as I should be by that, this conversation has been a long time coming and I’m not backing down.
I shouldn’t have given up so easily back then, should’ve told him off and gotten it all off my chest no matter how hard it was.
But I’d been young and hurt, inexperienced with how to talk about my feelings.
Now, I think finally getting all this out in the open might even be therapeutic.
Finally, a closure to a chapter that defined me.
“How could you? Nikki and Naomi were thick as thieves, and when Nikki called me and told me what was happening, I couldn’t believe it.
But she knew. You even talked about Naomi once, something about a test coming up and you both studying hard.
Do you know how much that hurt me? You talked about your side bitch with me like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.”