Chapter 19 #2
I drive around the block once, chomping three cinnamon mints nervously before pulling into her driveway to give her an extra minute to prep for company she wasn’t expecting. I considered stopping for flowers but decided they might spook her, so I’m saving that idea for another time.
I knock on the door, and it opens quickly, like she was waiting for me. The thought that she might be excited to see me sends a warm buzzing though my entire body, making me feel drunk.
“Hey,” she says. I think she’s aiming for casual, but she fails spectacularly, leaning against the door with her hip popped out and her hair falling around her shoulders when minutes ago at practice, it was up in some messy pile of a bun.
Oh, yeah, we’re dancing and dinner tonight is a good two steps forward.
I just need to watch out for the backslide.
“Hey yourself,” I reply, keeping my tone the casual she tried for. I step inside and she shuts the door behind me. I’m officially in.
“Coach B!” Cooper yells, beelining toward me from down the hall. He stops short in front of me, holding up a fist. I pound it, liking that he initiated the greeting this time.
“Wash up. Dinner’s ready.”
Cooper and I disappear down the hall to wash up as ordered and hit the kitchen.
I wait to see where they sit and take one of the remaining seats, choosing the one that puts me across from Al.
I think she expected me to sit beside her, but I want to see her face, read her reactions, and make sure I’m not fucking up, so this angle is better.
We dig in, moaning in ecstasy at the pasta goodness. “This is delicious. Did you make the sauce yourself?” I ask Allyson. “Shay might need this recipe.”
She laughs, her smile bright and her eyes crinkled.
“No, I didn’t make it. I bought it jarred .
. . from your sister. Well, Debra did. She’s a big fan of Shayanne’s goodies and is basically my dealer for all things homemade by Shayanne now.
Apparently, there’s some pumpkin concoction she makes?
Debra has the first sale date on her calendar already, says she wants to make sure she can get the hookup before Shay sells out. ”
“Mmm,” I hum in blissed-out carb heaven, and Allyson looks pleased at my positive reaction to her food as I shovel another bite into my mouth.
“Yeah, she makes smashed pumpkin. Jarred and whole pies. She’ll start running around like a chicken with her head cut off here shortly.
My watermelon water delivery route has nothing on her pumpkin season orders.
” I shudder violently and dramatically. “I’m exhausted just thinking about it. ”
“Will you still coach us if you’re that busy?” Cooper asks. I can see the concern swirling in his blue eyes, several shades lighter but so much like his mother’s.
“Of course. With me coming into town three times a week, I can do deliveries then or people can pick up their orders at the park. Might even be easier if we offer that option.” I purse my lips, thinking and praying that’s true.
“Actually, I should see if we can offer that for the last of the watermelon water too. A bit of a trial run.” I wink at Cooper, thanking him for the inspiration for an idea that might give me some time back, time I’ll happily spend getting to Allyson.
We talk about everything and nothing, letting conversation drift here and there. It feels good, homey with the three of us around the table chatting about our day, and I have an image of what could’ve been. Maybe even what could still be.
“I had an idea I wanted to run by you . . .” Allyson’s voice fades like she’s unsure of herself.
She’s fidgeting with the placemat in front of her, and I take a leap of faith, reaching across the table to cover her hand with mine.
Her eyes meet mine, a tiny gasp escaping.
I know she’s freaking a bit. I can see her pulse racing in her neck, but she doesn’t pull away.
I’m acutely aware of Cooper’s gaze too and hope he’s okay with this.
I wouldn’t ever disrespect his feelings about the situation.
But the situation is . . . I’m trying to make Allyson give me a shot. A real one.
And risks must be taken.
Eventually, after what seems like an eon, she settles and relaxes without moving her hand. It feels like a great fucking victory, and I gently rub my thumb over hers in celebration.
She licks her lips and starts again. “I thought it would be fun to do a sleepover with all the boys before the first game. Not the night before, because I don’t have a death wish.
But maybe the weekend before? A team-building thing and a celebration of how great they’ve been doing with practices. What do you think?”
If ever there were a moment to agree with anything she says, it’s this one.
But I don’t agree because I want her. No, I nod my head because it truly is a great idea.
“I like it. But one tweak . . .” Her brows rise, and I can see a slight clenching of her teeth like she thinks I’m about to shit all over her seed of an idea and call it fertilizer.
“What if we did it at the farm? S’mores, a bit of muddin’ in the Gator maybe. Campfire stories, stuff like that.”
“Mom! Yes! Say yes, please.” Cooper interrupts loudly and with more enthusiasm than his little body can hold. “Never mind, I’ll answer for her. Yes, Coach B! The boys would love that!”
He points at his own chest when he says ‘the boys’, apparently electing himself their spokesperson. I laugh but keep one eye on Allyson to gauge her reaction. She looks at Cooper and then back to me with a laugh of her own. “Guess we’re in.”
“YES!” Cooper goes off with excitement, hopping from the table and doing a weird dance that kinda reminds me of that chicken dance Johnathan had us do.
“Looks like you’re done with dinner, mister.
Why don’t you go hop in the shower so you can hit the hay on time tonight?
I think you’re still a bit worn out from The Science Project night.
” The way she says it, I can hear the capitals, like it was An Incident.
Cooper pulls a face, his lips wincing, and salutes before running down the hall.
A moment later, I hear the water start and my eyes lock on Allyson, my gaze heavy with intention. “Alone at last. I love that kid, but he’s fucking with my dating life.” I mean it to be funny and flirty, because I obviously love the little guy, but it bombs flat.
Allyson sighs. “Bruce. We’re a package deal. You need to know that.”
My brows knit in confusion. “I’m well aware, Allyson. I like the kid. He’s pretty fucking cool. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy a moment alone with you and want to take advantage.”
She tilts her head like she’s considering that. “That’s true, I guess. I just haven’t done this—any of this—since I had him, so I don’t know the proper thing to do.”
“Fuck proper. Do what you want. He’s your number-one, so you’re not going to do anything to fuck that up.
But you deserve happiness too.” She looks unconvinced.
“Hell, Cooper would want that for you too. He doesn’t need a martyr who doesn’t live and uses him as a buffer against the world.
He wants a mom who shows him how a beautiful, strong, smart woman goes after every single thing she wants and creates the life she deserves. ”
I mean it to sound persuasive, but something in my words hurts her. I replay them to figure out what it was, but I’m not exactly sure.
“But only if that thing I want is you, right?” There’s venom in her tone, accusing me of something, but I don’t know what it is, though I’ve obviously misstepped.
Damn, I suck at this. I’m more than a little lost and wishing I had a GPS for these uncharted waters because something really important is happening here. But she’s the only one who knows what it is. She goes back to fidgeting and I can feel her pulling away from me.
I push out from the table and come around to kneel at her feet. It puts my face even with hers, and I take her hands in mine, holding them on her thighs. I duck down, getting my face in hers where she’s looking down, not letting her away from me, from this.
I’m going into dangerous territory, approaching a wounded animal with nothing but the good intentions I hope she can read. Because I might not know what Allyson’s deal is, but any fool can tell that beneath her hard shell, her soft heart has been hurt. Badly.
“You’re different from before. I get that. This woman you are now? I want to know her, fall in love with her and that kid down the hall too. But only if that’s what you want.” I pause, trying to make the next words come as I cup her jaw in my big hands.
“I’m not here to make it harder for you, Al.
If you don’t want me, if you’d rather I just coach the kids and disappear when the season’s over, I will.
It’ll kill me, and Bobby will throw some big ‘told ya so’ shit my way, but all I want is for you to be happy.
Fuck yeah, I want it to be with me, but if not, just .
. .” I lick my lips, hating the catch in my throat. “Just be happy, Al.”
I don’t know where these words are coming from.
I’m not a pretty poetry sort, but it’s the damn truth.
I’ve gone from wanting her, to wanting to possess her, to wanting to watch her shuck the shackles holding her back.
I want her to fly because fuck, is she stunning when she soars, and hopefully, she’ll come back to me after feeling the wind through her wings.
She blinks several times and I think she might be about to cry.
But her voice is steady as she speaks. “It’s funny you say I’m different from before.
These last few weeks, especially these last few days, I’ve felt more like my old self than I have in years.
And I like it.” The very corners of her mouth tilt up in the smallest smile, and she whispers confidentially, “I don’t know how to do this, Bruce.
I don’t date, haven’t wanted to, not since . . .”
It’s on the tip of her tongue to say his name, but I don’t want him and whatever shit he did to her to intrude on this moment.
I might not know what happened, but he did this to her.
He turned the fiery, mouthy girl who shone so brightly and lived life wide open into this fearful, rigid woman who dully lives well within the confines of safety.
It’s not that she’s an adult now. It’s that her true self is buried under years of grime from him.
And yet, she’s so close to letting her inner wild-child free to choose me, the rough, gruff cowboy she once knew who doesn’t deserve a sweet thing like her, the man who’ll do anything for her.
Her eyes dip to my mouth, and I take the initiative, kissing her softly.
But though it’s sweet, there’s deep meaning to our every caress.
I pull back, meeting her eyes directly and swimming in the blue I see there.
“Allyson, we can go as slow as you need or as fast as you want. Just try this . . . for you. I think you need this, need me, and that’s not arrogance talking.
It’s okay if you use me up and throw me away when you’re done.
If it’s what you need to get right with yourself, I’ll do it. ”
I know what I’m offering is pure and utter stupidity on my part. She’s not ready, might not ever be ready for what I want with her, but I’ll take what I can get for as long as I can get it and pray that along the way, she will fall in love with me.
I can hear Bobby calling me a dumb shit already, but I don’t care.
A moment of happiness with her is better than a lifetime of nothingness without her.
I know that she’s why I never found someone, not in all the years after high school.
Somewhere, deep inside, I knew I gave my heart away to this girl, and though she left me, she left with my heart in her hands.
It’s always been hers, whether she wanted it or not.
Her face is written in pain, past and present, and fear for more in the future. “I don’t want to hurt you or get hurt, not again. I just don’t know what to do.”
A single tear tracks down her cheek, and I catch it with my thumb, wiping it away. I wish I could wipe whatever’s hurt her away as easily.
“Go on a date with me Saturday.” It’s not a question. It’s a solution to her confusion. “Just to prove to yourself that you can.”
“Bruce, I don’t want to hurt you,” she argues again weakly.
I thump my chest with my palm. “Let me worry about that. You just enjoy figuring out Allyson Meyers again. From what I recall, she’s a hell of a woman, a spitfire rebel who danced on the roof of my truck, lived without fear, and was willing to try just about anything once.
Maybe twice just to be sure,” I say with a shit-eating grin, memories racing through my mind in flashes of our past.
She nibbles her lip uncertainly, but after what feels like a lifetime but truthfully is only a few seconds, she smiles. “Okay. A date.”
She’s probably gonna freak about this later, but I’m absolutely going to hold her to her word.
In the meantime, I kiss her lips once more, hard and rough to build up her need.
She might not know her heart, but I know her body.
I want her to think of this later when she panics and when she touches herself.
The water turns off down the hall, calling our moment of alone time to a halt.
“Tell Cooper good night for me. I’ll see you on Saturday for practice, and then I’ll pick you up at seven for our date.” I scan her face, looking for any sign of an impending freakout I need to address before I leave, but I find none. She looks . . . hopeful?
One last quick peck and I’m out the door.
I think I did the right thing. I hope I did. I’m going to help her find herself if it’s the last thing I do, even if my heart breaks again in the process. But maybe I can help put hers back together instead?