Chapter 29
brUCE
Imean to knock, I swear I do, but even to my ears, it sounds like a pounding. “Allyson!” I call out, wanting her to know it’s me and hoping it makes a difference.
The door cracks open, and I see Michelle’s dark eyes peek out. I don’t let her say a word, too afraid she’ll tell me to leave, so I push right in. “Where is she? Allyson?”
It’s then I see her.
Al’s sitting on the living room floor, her skin pale, but there’s a high flush to her cheeks making her look like a porcelain doll. But she’s not that fragile, and the tense set of her jaw, her ramrod-straight back, and the ice in her blue eyes tell me that she’s furious.
At me? Fuck, I hope not, but whatever I did, I’ll apologize and promise to never do it again. Unless it’s to protect her, love her . . . because that shit’s happening no matter what.
All of my urges to demand answers evaporate in the face of the possibility of losing her, and I’m ready to beg and plead with no shame.
For her, I’ll do anything.
I drop to my knees beside her, reaching out hesitantly.
I’m waiting for her rage to unleash on me, for her to have danced so far back that I can’t reach her, but she sits frozen, not recoiling away from my touch, but not leaning into it, either.
The distance is mere inches, but it feels like a chasm has opened its gaping mouth between us.
So slowly, I get closer, my breath frozen in my chest in anticipation of her reaction.
She watches blankly as I get closer, and only when my fingers touch her face does she crumble.
The stiff line of her back collapses and her soft cheek melts into my hand.
Needing more and thankfully sensing she does too, I pull her into my lap, rearranging us so that she’s cradled sideways with her head against my chest. I hold her tightly, wishing I could crawl inside her to know what she’s thinking and feeling or maybe let her crawl into my heart so she can feel surrounded by my love.
We rock naturally, my hand running down the length of her unrestrained hair as I soothe her and reassure the monster inside me that she’s okay.
Michelle clears her throat and says gently, “I’m going to take the boys for the night. Holler if you need anything. And Allyson?”
Allyson raises her head from my chest to look at her friend. They have a silent conversation I’m not privy to, but I can tell there’s something deep being said between them. Michelle’s next statement confirms that. “You need to tell him.”
My gut drops at the confirmation that there is something to tell. I mean, I know that something’s wrong, but I guess on some level, I was hoping I might have misread everything. I’d rather that than what I think Allyson’s about to say.
That I’ve lost her, that even as she’s wrapped in my arms, she’s already decided that I’m not enough or maybe that I’m too much of a bad thing. Fuck, that hurts.
Michelle calls down the hall, and Cooper and Liam show up. Their lips are pulled down in matching frowns, and they both eye Allyson’s position in my lap.
I offer Liam a fist and he bumps it. Behind him, I meet Cooper’s eyes and hold my fist out for him.
He didn’t hear my explanation at the field, and there’s a chance he’s terrified of me after seeing me go after Kyle like that.
I speak slow and low, with intention I hope he can feel. “I’ve got our girl, Cooper.”
It sounds like the simplest truth in the world, but with Allyson, nothing is simple.
Other than the fact that I’m not going any fucking where without her.
She can fight me, she can refuse to let me in, but I’m tough enough to withstand it and rough enough to dance with her again if that’s where this is going.
I got her back once, and I’ll get her back again.
Cooper bumps my fist with a nod like he understands the adult shit that’s going on. If he does, I wish he’d explain it to me.
Then they’re gone and I’m alone with my girl.
The words tumble out too fast, but I pray she can understand. “I am so sorry, baby. I know I shouldn’t have fought like that, especially not in front of the boys, but when he hit you, I . . .” My voice chokes in my throat, dying as I growl instead, “I need to see, please.”
She lets me lift her chin gently with one finger, and I peer into her eyes as much as check over her cheekbone. The blue depths are empty. Whatever she’s feeling is hidden behind walls again. So many walls, so many defenses.
“Michelle checked it, said there’s nothing broken, but it’ll bruise.” She says it easily, like she’s not talking about some asshole leaving fucking marks on her perfect skin.
“Goddamn it. I’m so sorry if all that scared you—if I scared you.
I know I’m a monster who fights more than I should, but I couldn’t let him .
. . he hit you, Allyson.” My voice is a dark rumble that promises retribution, the pain of that connection between her pretty face and Kyle’s ugly fist echoing in my head again. It’s a sound I won’t ever unhear.
I swallow thickly, holding her too tightly, but I can’t let go. I won’t let go. Not even as she wiggles against me, trying to put space between us that I don’t want.
“You’re not a monster. What are you talking about?”
Allyson’s confusion is bordering on alarm, and I need to settle down again. I don’t want her cowering in my arms.
“It’s okay, I know. I’m so sorry. I won’t fight anymore, ever again, if that’s what you need me to do. Anything for you, Al. Anything.” The begging plea to not leave me pierces the air.
“Bruce.” Allyson pushes against me, putting space between our upper bodies even as she stays in my lap. “I think you’re confused.”
“Hell yes, I am,” I huff miserably. “But I love you. That’s the one thing I’m not fucking confused about at all.” I pin her in place with my eyes and hold her hips, not letting her get away. Not that she’s trying to, but just in case.
She grips my cheeks this time, pulling my beard sharply to get my attention. “I don’t think you’re a monster.” Her brows knit together and she shakes her head. “I had a panic attack.”
I was all ready to argue my case, but that stops me in my tracks. “A panic attack?”
Her hands lower to her lap, clasping together as her head falls to look at them. “Yes, I used to have them . . . when I was married . . . and for a while after. But I haven’t had one in years until today.”
She sounds ashamed, which I don’t understand. It’s not like she chose to have a panic attack or something. Her body just overreacted? I think that’s what a panic attack is, anyway, but I’m no expert.
“What made it happen today, Al? Tell me so I can make sure I don’t do it again.”
She looks up, the tiniest light peeking through her walls. “Cocky much? It wasn’t because of you—well, not entirely because of you.” She tilts her head, angling it as her brows bounce up and then back down into a frown.
It’s the first spark of my girl I’ve seen, and I want to swing from the fucking rafters in celebration. “Can you just tell me what happened then?”
“That’s not an easy thing to do. I’m embarrassed and mad, and I don’t want this to change how you see me. I’m better than this now, so much better than this, but today was like a perfect storm aimed right at my weakest parts.”
Her shoulders curl in, and my first instinct is to tell her that she never has to be embarrassed, not with me. But she’s entitled to feel whatever she’s feeling, so I keep my mouth shut and simply press my lips to her forehead, letting her know I’m here and to take her time.
She starts slowly, her words halting and soft. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, about us and about Jeremy. Not because I miss him or anything.” She huffs like that’s ridiculous, easing a fear I didn’t even know I had.
I remember the slick and fancy guy I saw her with at college that day. Maybe I’m wrong about my suspicions, and if so, I could understand her missing her ex. It’s hard to shut love off, even when things go wrong and it’s been a long time. We’re proof of that.
“But with him fresh on my mind, Kyle’s finger in my face and calling me a bitch dredged up some ugly memories I’d rather stay buried. And the punch . . .” She chews on her lip worriedly, her eyes darting left and right unseeingly. I think she’s lost to the past.
My hunch isn’t wrong. I can feel it in my gut. I saw her flinch and shrink like she wanted to be a smaller target. I force my voice to be neutral even though my insides are on the verge of an angry eruption. “Did Jeremy hit you, Allyson?”
She nods absently. “Yes.”
I’m furious and on the edge of spinning out and hunting this fucker down, but he’s not my priority.
Allyson is. So I say nothing, burying my face in her neck, her hair strangling me, but I burrow in deeper and hold her tight, my fingers digging into her skin but I can’t stop.
I don’t want it to be true. Not her, not my Allyson.
She wraps her arms around my neck, scratching at my scalp and cooing platitudes. I should be comforting her, but I let her soothe me too, praying it’s a sign that we’re both in this together.
“It was only once,” she rationalizes.
“One time too many,” I state unequivocally. “I’ve hurt a lot of people, Al, mostly on the field, but I would . . . could never hurt you.”
Her arms fall, and she pushes against me to get up.
I can’t let her go, but one look in her eyes tells me she’s getting antsy, maybe even flighty, so I let her stand, staying at the ready to chase if she runs.
She paces back and forth across the living room, from the front door to the kitchen, nibbling on her lip with her arms crossed tightly over her middle.