8. Chapter 8
Beau
Steamin’
Translation: Angry
Usage: To describe someone who is very upset or very drunk
Blood pounds in my temples as everyone else files out, muttering under their breaths.
A cold fury burns in my chest, and embarrassment sits heavy in my stomach.
Tears prick the corners of my eyes, adding insult to injury.
I cry plenty, but rarely in front of people.
And I won’t give Torin the satisfaction.
Someone told me that anger is where hurt meets disappointment, and I can confirm it’s true.
I’m hurt that a colleague I really liked at first, despite his prickly nature, could be so unkind.
I’m disappointed I’ve come all this way to almost fail a course and then start an argument in class.
Things aren’t at all how I thought they’d be.
I hadn’t made a perfect first impression on Torin, but this is more than a simple reaction to misinterpreted banter. His venom bites deeper than that.
I don’t know if I can stay if this continues, and at this point, I’m not even sure I want to.
With our classmates gone, Professor Drummond asks Torin to come sit by me. I don’t look up as he shuffles over and flops down into the seat next to mine with a huff. I don’t know why he’s so upset. He’s the one who created this mess.
“Now,” the professor says, “I don’t know how the tension between you two started, but it has been present since the start of term, and it ends now.
You remember me referring to all of us as colleagues?
I meant it.” He jabs a finger on the desk in front of me.
“We should be collaborating, communicating, learning from and supporting one another. But after today, I’d settle for the two of you behaving civilly, not blatantly competing in classroom discussions, much less trading insults like schoolchildren. ”
Shame creeps into the wadded mess of feelings inside me. My granny taught me from an early age that all I can control is myself and how I react. Her wisdom helped immensely every time my father implied I wasn’t living up to be the man he expected.
While I’m less worried about disappointing him, it is upsetting to think how disappointed Granny Fontenot would be with my behavior today.
No matter what Torin does or says, I’m the only one responsible for my words and actions.
I could have risen above it or tried to talk to him outside of the classroom, but I hadn’t.
I still feel wronged, but I had a part in all of this, too.
Professor Drummond goes on. “Let me make myself plain: if this sort of behavior continues, I will expel both of you from this program.”
Torin starts to argue, but Professor Drummond holds up a hand. “If that sounds harsh, so be it. You will not disrupt the learning environment for your colleagues, no matter your excellent qualifications or knowledge. You will work together, or you will leave. Is that clear?”
“Yes, Professor,” we both mutter, our heads down.
“Good. If you wish to remain in the program, you will create an action plan for how you intend to work together moving forward.”
I look up and sense Torin doing the same.
The professor must read the incomprehension on our faces because he continues.
“Since this is an institution of higher education, I recommend you choose to learn from one another. Perhaps you will find that the two of you are not so dissimilar as you believe and can form a truce through shared experiences.”
I spare a glance at Torin, and he looks as baffled as I am at the assignment.
“The format can be whatever you like, but you will print out your plan and bring it to me by end of day tomorrow.” Then his voice turns grave. “If you don’t turn it in together and by the deadline, then this will turn into a very different conversation. Am I clear?”
“Yes, Professor,” we say again.
“My final recommendation is that you do not work on this immediately. Take time to settle yourselves separately, then make contact when you are ready to have a professional conversation.” He pauses and looks between us. “You are dismissed.”
I don’t look at Torin as I collect my things.
I hear him still rummaging in his bag when I bolt for the door and leave.
I rush down the corridor so I don’t have to see him.
I’d like to never see him again, but if I’m going to stay, I suppose I’ll have to.
Continuing to be in class with him would be bad enough, but having to meet one-on-one with him to build an action plan will be intolerable.
I make it outside and head toward home, enjoying the chilly air on my still-warm face. I pull my phone from my pocket with trembling fingers and open the text thread with Lucas and Juliana. I need to get this off my chest, and The Pigeons will give me some much-needed perspective.
The last message was from Juliana and how she woke up this morning wanting a hot dog. In my experience, that's most mornings for her.
Beau
I need to vent about something.
Lucas
SPILL
Beau
I just had a full-blown argument with a fellow student. In class.
Lucas
When you say you had an argument… do you mean you had a heated scholarly discussion?
Beau
It might have started that way, but by the end of it? No. Shouting and insults were involved. Then Torin told everyone I basically failed my midterm.
Juliana
ok fuck that guy
Juliana
and did you fail your midterm?
Beau
I got a C+ in my Scottish history course, so I barely passed. The others were better.
Lucas
I’m sorry, pigeon. Also, agreed with Juliana: fuck that guy.
Juliana
then what happened? surely your prof didn’t let that slide
They add various emojis to my texts as I explain the argument and tell them about the professor making us find a way to work together.
Juliana
an action plan? seriously? how about he tells that asshole to sit down and shut up and we all move on with our lives
Beau
That would’ve been my preference.
Lucas
Don’t hate me, but I actually think the professor is onto something.
Juliana
*clutches pearls*
Lucas
You said this guy’s been antagonistic to you since the beginning. Clearly there’s more to it. Any normal, rational person doesn’t just berate a classmate in front of a room full of people for no reason.
Lucas
If you talk to him, maybe you’ll find out why he’s so… rude?
Lucas
Is rude a good word?
Beau
I honestly don’t even know if it’s worth it at this point. I came here to study Scottish history, and apparently I’m not equipped to do so. My grades and Torin have made that clear.
Beau
Maybe I should cut my losses and come home.
Juliana
nope
Juliana
fuck that
Juliana
don’t let some nerdy douchebag get the better of you
Juliana
you’re better than that
Lucas
Hate to do this twice in one day, but I agree with Juliana again.
Juliana
whatever i’m always right
Lucas
Look, you’re already over there, and you’ve been more excited about this than anything else. I know it seems like a lot right now, but I have no doubt you can get your grades up and maybe even find a way to tolerate your classmate that we now collectively hate.
Juliana
i hate him with my life
Lucas
Deep breaths. You’ve got this.
Beau
Alright, I’ll hold off on making any big decisions for now.
Lucas
Do something to get your mind off it, then come back to the problem with a fresh perspective.
Juliana
and call if you need to!
Beau
Thanks, pigeons. You’re amazing.
Juliana
love you
Juliana
and again: fuck that guy
I almost smile remembering that when I first met Torin, I actually did want to do that. I’ve come a long way from trying to get in his pants to wanting him to drop off the face of the planet.
I let myself into the house and head upstairs to change clothes.
Lucas was right. I need to do something to get my mind off school and Torin.
I already did cardio today, but this restless negative energy buzzing through me isn’t going anywhere on its own.
I’ll hit the weights. Nothing quiets my mind like pushing my body until it can only focus on the next rep.
Maybe this can still be a great experience. I just need to do two things.
First, stick to the plan—become the better historian I came here to be.
Second, face Torin.
And I really don’t want to.