28. Chapter 28
Beau
Scran
Translation: Food
Usage: As a noun referring to food, or as a verb meaning “to eat”
“I hooked up with Torin.”
It’s a cold, gray Saturday in Edinburgh, and Maeve and I are at our favorite date night spot, a little Indian restaurant with an incredible chef who’s always coming up with new creations.
The chatter and lively music paired with the smells of curry, garlic, and buttery naan almost make me believe it isn’t freezing outside. This place is a balm for the soul.
Maeve doesn’t stop spooning butter chicken over rice when she responds. “I know. Everyone does.”
I take a bite of a samosa and groan as the spice hits, crisp pastry giving way to soft, fragrant filling. Worth every sacrificed calorie since getting back from the holidays.
Then I realize what she said and almost choke.
I cough, grab for my drink, eyes watering as I try to breathe and process at the same time. “Wait, what?”
“I said I know and that everyone else does, too. And you have to try these potatoes,” she says, pushing some onto my plate.
When I stare at her instead of taking a bite, she stabs one with her fork and shoves it into my open mouth. I sputter around it, nearly choke again, then chew.
“You’re right,” I admit, “these potatoes are delicious.”
“Right?” She nods at me, already going back for another.
“But how does everyone know?” I’m anxious about her answer until I dip a potato in the mint yogurt and take a bite, achieving something close to nirvana.
“Oh, you really are a dewy-eyed mooncalf, aren’t you?” she says, giving me a pitying look over her chai martini. “The two of you disappeared upstairs at the party and were gone longer than you probably realize.”
“Oh, God,” I say, tipping my head back. I really thought we’d gotten away with it.
“That’s what he said,” Maeve says with a cackle.
“Maeve!” I chide, wadding up a napkin and launching it at her head.
“So you definitely did something upstairs,” she says, throwing the napkin back at me. “Did you have another go after you left?”
“No,” I say, heat rising in my cheeks. “I would’ve been happy to go again, but he was the responsible student, and we parted ways.” But not before another hot make-out session on his doorstep.
“It must’ve been a really good time, then, if you want a repeat performance.”
I shake my head, but I can feel the smile pulling at my mouth. “Yeah,” I admit. “Yeah. It was.” But she’s not getting any more than that.
“So are you and Torin dating?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer, causing Maeve to raise an eyebrow at me. I drag my fork through the sauce on my plate, not really looking at it. “I mean, I’d like to, but things have gone back to exactly how they were before Burns Night. It’s been weeks of the same.”
Not exactly the same, I guess. Touches linger, as do his eyes on my body. But otherwise, it’s been nothing more than a sexually frustrating friendship.
“Well,” she says, tearing off a piece of naan, “when we first talked about your attraction to him, we agreed he might be weird about dating. Maybe he’s just struggling with his feelings, especially after such an indiscreet encounter.”
“Shit,” I say, dropping my fork and sagging back in my seat.
At the time, I hadn’t thought about anything other than how badly I wanted him.
Replaying it now, I wince. Nothing is more important to Torin than school, his reputation, and I went down on him with our colleagues in earshot.
It may have been too much for him. But he hasn’t disappeared, either. He hasn’t gone running scared.
She watches me while she chews. “Do you want my advice?”
“Yes, please,” I rush to say, tilting toward her.
“Torin likes things to be clear-cut. And right now, for him, this probably isn’t. Despite your best physical efforts, things probably still seem gray to him. You need to make them black and white.”
“So, what, ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend?” A thrill of excitement runs through me at that phrase. My boyfriend. Yes, that’s what I want. But other than serious eye contact and the one time I swallowed every inch he had to offer, I’m still not sure where I stand with him.
Maeve shrugs. “I’m not saying you need to slap a label on it, but you took action like we discussed, and it went well,” she says. “I think that’s enough signal for you to be able to tell him how you feel.”
I sigh and lean back in my chair. She might be right, but all my doubts come creeping in, like the cold air through the edges of the nearby window.
“I don’t know, Maeve,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m terrible at dating. I’ve never—” I hesitate, searching for the right way to say it. “I’ve never had to express my feelings for someone before. I wouldn’t even know what to say.”
“Well, if you like him and want to date him, it’s time to speak up, and you need to figure out how before he disappears into his books and manuscripts forever.”
I shed my coat when I get home and drop onto the couch, head tipping back against the cushions.
Maeve’s right. I need to do something to make things clear for Torin.
He’s skittish, but I can’t let things go on like this.
I can’t keep circling, waiting for something to shift on its own.
Torin isn’t built that way. He needs things to be precise, defined—something he can trust, something he can hold onto.
It probably hasn’t helped that I’ve been hot and cold with him, always worrying that I’ve taken things too far, that he might pull away. I’ve been here before. Pretty much every other guy has run after a kiss—or after more intimate activities—and I wouldn’t be able to take it if Torin ran.
I’d hoped that by backing off between physical acts that he’d see this isn’t some fleeting fancy, that he’d realize my overwhelming interest in him without me having to say the words out loud. But here we are.
Or rather, here I am. Alone. On my couch. Again.
I sigh and reach for my phone, hoping The Pigeons will have some wisdom for me.
If anyone’s going to have an opinion, it’s them.
They’re up-to-date about everything, but we all have some form of ADHD and are easily sidetracked, so I text them about my discussion with Maeve, about the whole mess, and hit Send before I overthink it, dropping the phone onto my chest as I stare up at the ceiling.
A chime lets me know they’re already texting back.
Lucas
First, let me say that you deserve a relationship with someone who will love you wholeheartedly and won’t make you guess about their feelings.
Juliana
agree
Lucas
Second, based on everything you’ve said, I think Torin can do that. He just needs to know that it’s ok to be that person for you.
Juliana
agree again
Beau
We’ve come a long way from “fuck that guy,” haven’t we?
Juliana
yes he’s had quite the redemption arc
Beau
So what do I do? We see each other a lot, but it’s always at the gym or at school. I’ve asked if he wants to grab a smoothie after our workouts, but we’re both so busy, and it never happens.
Beau
Do I sound whiney rn? I feel whiney.
Lucas
Yes, pumpkin. You do sound a smidge whiney, but I think the situation merits a little whine time.
Juliana
why isn’t it wine time here yet?
Lucas
Wine does sound good.
Beau
Let’s focus on my unsettling love life. Then we can talk about wine.
Juliana
ugh fine
Lucas
Hmmm… I guess you can’t just spill your guts at the gym. After class doesn’t really seem appropriate either.
Beau
Right, and since an impromptu hangout after the gym doesn’t seem to be in the cards, we basically don’t have alone time where we could have the conversation.
Juliana
you’re only asking him to hang out after the gym?
Juliana
are you going to give him your heart over a blueberry and banana smoothie?
Beau
Better than over the weight rack.
Juliana
or you could ask him out on a proper date like a grown-up
Lucas
Juliana, you are as wise as you are beautiful.
Juliana
thank yeeeeewwwwww
Lucas
Think of it this way: If you want to be his boyfriend, you need to act like his boyfriend. Whatever a boyfriend would do, do that.
The answer really was right in front of me all along. Asking him to hang out for a healthy snack after a workout is friendly bro behavior, not boyfriend behavior. Even blow jobs are called bro jobs for a reason. If I want to date him, asking him out on a date is the way to go.
Beau
Thanks, pigeons. You’re right on all counts.
Juliana
*warbles excitedly*
Lucas
So you’re going to ask him out?
Beau
I yam.
Juliana
*warbling intensifies*