Chapter 15 Ahnna
Ahnna
The plan had worked far better than Ahnna had intended.
But God help her, the results had been so much worse.
Fear had driven Dippy at high speed for a long time after the roar of falling rocks and snow had ceased. Yet as the rush in her veins faded alongside the clouds of snow and smoke, it was replaced with a grief that threatened to consume her.
Climbing off Dippy’s back, Ahnna fell to her knees and pressed her forehead to the snow. “Breathe,” she whispered.
But the next breath was a sob.
James was dead.
The last thing she’d seen right before Dippy had galloped around a bend was James riding straight into the path of the enormous avalanche, and it had been all she could do not to turn around and try to save him, despite knowing that there would be no surviving that wave of death.
Her body shuddered as she sobbed into the snow, because it never goddamned ended.
The suffering. The loss. It was as though life itself were a war—a ceaseless battle to survive while those you cared about fell to either side.
A scream boiled up inside of her, one of rage and grief that would echo off the mountains so that even the stars in the growing darkness would be forced to acknowledge what she endured.
Instead, Ahnna swallowed it. “Alexandra drove him to this,” she whispered. “Yet another death on her hands, but more will come if you do not stop her, so hold on to your rage. Let it fuel every step you take until you can put a knife in her evil heart.”
Dippy snuffed the top of her head, then caught hold of her cap with his lips and tossed it on the ground with a snort as though to say, Enough. She looked up at him through her tears. “You’re right. We have to keep going.”
Clinging to her fury, Ahnna climbed to her feet and led her horse down the trail. There was every chance that the soldiers who’d been on James’s heels would pursue for a time on foot, which meant that she needed to put distance between her and them.
Darkness fell, and Ahnna lit her lantern. The small amount of oil left in it wasn’t enough to last through the night, so she kept it low. Which meant that she caught sight of a distant spark of light at the base of the valley.
A campfire.
She stared at it for a long time, wondering if they’d found James. Wondering if they’d bring his body back to Harendell to his awful family, or whether he’d remain buried forever in a tomb of her making.
It felt so hard to breathe.
He’d betrayed her. Hunted her. Would have killed her if he’d caught up to her, but Ahnna had not wanted this. Tears pricked in her eyes, because a deluded hope had burned in her heart that she’d escape and live to prove Alexandra’s duplicity. That James would learn the truth and…
“And what?” she whispered. “And what, you lovesick idiot? Did you really think that if James learned you were innocent, something would be possible between you? Why would you even want that when he took you with lies on his tongue? What is wrong with you?”
I love him. The truth whispered up from the depths of her heart, and Ahnna sucked in a mouthful of air that didn’t feel like it reached her lungs. “He’s dead. Move on. Move forward. Focus on the lives of those who deserve your loyalty.”
The snow grew deeper as she continued, up past her knees now, and exhaustion pressed down upon her as she walked through the darkness. Following the trail as it wove higher into the Blackreaches toward the relative safety of Amarid’s border.
The air was frigid, her toes numb inside her boots and her teeth chattering.
She covered Dippy with her only blanket, fixing it to his bridle and tucking it under the saddle so it wouldn’t blow away, and then pulled her arms inside her sleeves, tucking her hands into her armpits.
Yet nothing she did held back the growing chill.
She and Dippy walked through the night, mostly because she was certain that if they stopped, she’d freeze in her sleep. As dawn lit the night sky, each step was a force of will. She had to find shelter before death found them first.
The trail descended into a valley between the mountains, revealing a lake. The water was frozen, the sharp wind having blown away the snow so that the ice looked like glass. Nestled on the banks amid the trees was a shadowed structure.
Ahnna tripped in the snow and fell. Got to her feet, then tripped again.
“Come on,” she whispered, her lips cracked and bleeding. “You can make it.”
Catching hold of a stirrup, she dragged herself to her feet and then into the saddle. With his head low, Dippy staggered through the snow in the direction of the cabin.
No smoke rose from its chimney, and there was no disturbance in the snow around the building to suggest anyone lived there permanently. Dismounting, she drew her knife and walked toward the door. “Hello?” she called. “Is anyone here?”
There was no response, so she carefully lifted the latch holding the door closed.
It was dim inside, but the watery sunlight filtering through the heavy clouds allowed her to see that it was empty.
The cabin was small with only a rough table and chairs, a cot, and a fireplace; the second room was not a room but a horse stall with a separate door.
A place for travelers to rest that protected them from weather and predators, and Ahnna thanked God, fate, and the stars for leading her to it tonight.
She led Dippy into the stall at the rear, then removed his tack before draping her blanket across his back. There were scraps of grass and hay from prior occupants, and she left him to forage while she returned to the living quarters.
Cold to the bone, Ahnna knelt before the hearth, which the prior occupant had left set with kindling and wood.
It took what felt like an eternity to get it lit, but soon she was warming her hands over the flames, the small space heating up swiftly.
She melted water in her pot and drank deeply, then melted more for her horse.
Taking up her bow, Ahnna ventured outdoors again and shot a fat squirrel, which she skinned and then cooked over the fire before eating every last morsel and licking the grease from her fingers.
She added more wood to the fire.
Melted more snow for water.
Shot another squirrel for her next meal.
Her body screamed for sleep, but without tasks to keep her hands busy, the hollowness in her chest threatened to consume her.
James is dead.
You killed him.
She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, fighting for control. Fighting to keep food in her stomach, because her thoughts made her feel sick.
Murderer.
“Stop it.” Making one final patrol to ensure there were no signs of pursuit, she retrieved her blanket from the sleeping Dippy and wrapped herself up on the rough cot, boots still on. Knife clutched in one hand, she stared at the fire.
James is dead.
“I’m sorry.” She squeezed her eyes shut, then immediately regretted it, because her mind’s eye filled with a vision of him shattered and broken, amber eyes glassy and lifeless.
You killed him.
“Stop.” Tears leaked out around her eyelids, soaking into her blanket. “It’s not what I wanted.”
You could have tried to reason with him, her guilt said, rising from her conscience. You could have tried to explain.
“He refused to listen.”
You could have tried, her guilt whispered. Instead, you just saved yourself.
“I did it for Ithicana.” Ahnna knew she was arguing with herself, but it didn’t matter. “I need to be alive to warn them. I’m doing all of this for Ithicana.”
So you always say, her guilt answered. But perhaps it’s time you admit that everything you do is for yourself.
She rolled onto her back. “That’s not true.”
Isn’t it? Her guilt’s tone dripped with sarcasm. Was it for Ithicana that you allowed James Ashford between your legs?
“Shut up!”
But her guilt and heartache and grief refused to be silenced. All the things she could have done differently cycled through her mind, around and around, until finally sleep dragged her under.
It granted no respite, for her dreams were plagued with horrors that Ahnna could not escape, exhaustion holding her down like shackles.
Nightmares where the Harendellians descended on Ithicana and put her people to the sword, her brother falling.
Lara falling. Delia, the niece she’d never met yet loved more than life…
Ahnna jerked awake. A stifled sob tore from her lips and she rolled, burying her face in the crook of her arm as the nightmares slowly faded from her vision.
“Breathe,” she whispered. “It’s not real. You’ll get there in time to warn them.”
Vaguely she was aware that the fire had gone cold and that night had fallen, which meant she’d been asleep for hours. Though it had done her body much good, her heart felt worse for it.
Dippy abruptly snorted and shifted restlessly in his stall. Ahnna’s grip tightened on her knife.
She untangled her legs from her blanket and silently settled her boots on the floorboards. She moved with total silence to open the door leading to his stall. Her horse’s head was held high, ears pricked and focused. It could be anything. Mountain cat. Bear. A squirrel.
Or the most dangerous threat of all: a human.
Ahnna took a steadying breath and listened for feet crunching on snow, but there was nothing save the calls of birds in the trees outside.
Dippy’s nostrils flared and he gave a loud snort, then relaxed.
Ahnna blew out a breath between her teeth and shook her head. Quietly closing the door to his stall, she moved into the main space. She’d cook the squirrel, then get more rest, because at dawn, she’d continue on into Amarid.
Except she couldn’t relax.
Her heart beat violently, her breath rapid gasps and her palm slick around the hilt of her knife as she stared at the bolted door.
The vision of opening her bedroom door on Southwatch filled her mind’s eye.
The memory of a Maridrinian soldier slashing at her, and the painful sting as his blade tip scored her face.
Open the door, Ahnna.
Her whole body was shaking.
This isn’t Southwatch. There’s no one there.
Yet she couldn’t move.
Open the fucking door.
Drawing in a breath, Ahnna reached for the latch—
Right as the door exploded inward.