Chapter 7 Mabel
MABEL
“How’s Boss getting along with Aurora?”
Sav shrugs as we step onto the stage for sound check.
“I think she likes her. It’s just the subject matter that she hates.
” She pauses to take her guitar from a roadie with a thank you.
“They’ve decided to meet once a day for an hour and then plan additional help as needed.
They had their first real tutoring session this afternoon, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to either of them about it. ”
I fold my arms across my chest and watch as she hooks the receiver for her in-ear monitor on the band of her jeans, then checks the tuning on her guitar. We’ve been doing this for over a decade, so everything is like muscle memory at this point.
While I’m waiting for my own in-ear monitor, I pull my phone from my pocket and check my texts, but the messages I sent Kat last night are still unread.
She’s posted to her social media stories, so I know she’s probably seen my texts despite the time difference, and her lack of response has my chest growing tight with anxiety.
I pull up a browser and refresh my earlier page of search results, but no new photos pop up on the screen.
I try not to acknowledge the small bit of relief at not seeing any new Kaz photos.
“Have you talked to Kat?”
I roll my eyes at the bite in Sav’s question. She doesn’t like Kat. She hasn’t since the first time we broke up, and Sav’s not great at pretending. I put my phone back into my pocket and give Sav a fake smile.
“Yes.”
“She still coming for Auckland?”
“Yes.”
“Hm.”
I arch a brow, waiting for Sav to drop whatever snarky comment that’s brewing in her head, but when she stays quiet, I sigh.
“What, Savannah?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You don’t have to. It’s all over your face.”
She looks at me finally, lips pursed and eyes scanning mine before the tense set to her shoulders relaxes, and her expression softens from annoyed to concerned.
“You deserve better than what she gives you.”
I huff out a laugh and twirl my ring around my middle finger. ]
“I’m serious, Mabes. You’ve wasted way too much time and energy on her as it is. What’s it been, four years?”
“Three.” Ish.
“Well, that’s two and a half too many. The first time you broke up should have been the last time.”
I tilt my head to the ceiling and close my eyes. This conversation isn’t new. I don’t want to have it again, but Sav can be so fucking stubborn. She won’t stop until she thinks I’ve really heard it.
“Kat and I love each oth—”
She snorts, cutting me off, and my brows slant angrily.
“Don’t be a bitch, Sav.”
“Mabel, if Kat loves you, then her way of showing it fucking sucks. I know you think you’re in love—”
“Don’t be patronizing.”
She swings her guitar off and sets it in its stand, then faces me with her hands on her hips, so I mirror her stance. With my platforms, we’re the same height, so I’m thankfully not having to look up at her when she’s on her soapbox.
“You’re letting her walk all over you. You’ve sacrificed everything I know you want in a relationship to be with someone who gives you the bare minimum, and it’s bullshit.”
I shake my head and try hard not to dwell on the nagging truth in her words. Have I sacrificed everything? Does Kat give me the bare minimum? I shove the questions down and stand up straighter.
“Relationships in this business are hard,” I say, working to keep my voice level and firm. “It’s complicated.”
“It’s not that complicated.”
Sav brings her hands in front of us and starts ticking off her fingers, her giant engagement ring sparkling in the stage lights as she does it. It just makes me angrier.
“She’s always bailing on you. She won’t go out in fucking public with you.
You’ve had to spend your whole relationship underground, and you hate it.
You’re always bending over backward for her and making concessions and compromising what you want, and for what?
A top secret rendezvous and a clandestine fuck once a month? ”
I flinch and grit my teeth.
“Lower your voice,” I hiss. She scoffs, but I push forward. “Our relationship could ruin her career.”
“That’s bullshit.” Sav rips her hand through her long silver hair, her nostrils flaring and eyes flashing with anger as her whispered words lash between us.
“It’s homophobic bullshit peddled by her homophobic manager and perpetuated by her own internalized homophobia.
Everyone on Earth knows you’re bisexual, and it hasn’t affected your career at all. ”
My eyes sting. My chest hurts. The only thing keeping me from storming off or shouting in her face is the absolute pain I see in her eyes. She doesn’t get joy out of this. She’s not saying it to hurt me, even though it does.
“That’s different, and you know it.”
“It’s not different, though. It’s not. There are a lot of successful queer fashion models. She might get some media heat at first, but her career would be fine. If she loved you—really loved you, like loud and proud and not in secret—she’d do it.”
“You have absolutely no idea what you’re fucking talking about, Savannah. You have no idea how scary it is to come out. It’s terrifying.”
“You came out at sixteen—”
“To you! I came out to you. I didn’t have a family or a community or a career to worry about shunning me, and I was still scared shitless.
Kat doesn’t know how her family will take it.
She doesn’t know how it will affect her standing in the industry.
And regardless of whether you think her career will be fine, not everyone can handle media backlash the way you do.
Not everyone was born with your no fear, fuck it all kind of attitude.
You can’t expect Kat to take that kind of risk or make that kind of sacrifice until she’s ready.
Fuck, even after I came out it took me a while to get comfortable with myself.
Do you remember how long it took me to actually date someone?
How hard it was for me to be openly queer, even around Jo and Torren? ”
Sav frowns, sadness passing over her expression as she scans my face. Then she nods.
“I remember,” she says on a resigned sigh. “You’re right. I don’t understand. I will never fully understand. But can I expect her to at least rearrange her schedule so she can keep a date with you?”
“It was a brand deal. It was important.”
“I’m not talking about just this time, Mabel. There is always something. There is always something more important, or more urgent, or more exciting than you.”
My jaw drops. I feel tears start to well in my eyes as a matching glitter fills Sav’s. When I hurt, she hurts, and vice versa. It’s always been like this.
“That’s low, Savannah.”
She blinks and a single tear rolls down her cheek, but she doesn’t look away from me.
“You deserve to be a priority, Mabes. You deserve to be the priority. Top fucking priority. I hate watching you let yourself be put dead last, and I hate her for doing it. I know you’re not happy. She keeps hurting you over and over, and you deserve so much fucking better. You deserve the world.”
I close my eyes against the sting of tears and shake my head, taking deep, measured breaths.
She acts like it should be simple. Like the choice should be blinking neon and obvious.
But not all of us find our soulmate in middle school like she did.
Not all of us have the universe on our side. She just doesn’t get it.
“It’s not that easy, Sav. She just...She just can’t right now.”
“Yeah, well, if she wanted to, she would.”
Sav’s voice trails off, and I don’t respond.
I have nothing else to say. I just stand in front of her with my eyes closed, focusing on the movement happening all around us.
I can hear Jonah and Torren at their instruments.
Can hear roadies moving around, prepping for the show in a few hours.
Hammond’s voice is a low hum from somewhere offstage, probably talking on the phone.
But Sav and I just stand in silence, and despite the fight we just had, I’m glad she’s not walking away. She knows how much I hate being alone.
And deep down, I think I know she’s right.
I deserve better than what Kat is giving me. Maybe I’m hoping that if I subject myself to Sav’s verbal ass beating, I’ll finally wake the fuck up.
I haven’t yet. But maybe I will.
Approaching footsteps pull me from my thoughts, and I open my eyes just as a roadie steps in front of me. I take my in-ears with a thank you, then turn back to Sav. Her expression has softened, and it makes me want to hug her.
“I love you. I don’t mean to be a bitch. I’m just protective. I don’t like seeing you like this.”
That brings a small smile to my lips. Even if she’s a pain in my ass, it’s fucking amazing having someone who is permanently in my corner.
We went through a rough patch for a while, as a band and as a family, but her loyalty and love have never wavered, and neither has mine.
The world may know her as Sav Loveless, badass rock star.
But to me, she’ll always be Savannah Shaw. My sister. My best friend.
“I know,” I say with more exasperation than I feel. “I’m used to it.” She narrows her eyes, so I roll mine. “I love you, too, Savvy.”
With the conversation over, I turn toward my drum set, but my eyes land right on Aurora. She’s standing in the wings offstage in a blue cotton dress, frozen like an animal in flood lights. Our stares lock for three whole breaths before she drops her head and bolts from sight.
I’m certain she witnessed my argument with Savannah, but I’m hoping she was too far away to hear much of it.
It's not that I don’t trust Ham’s niece; it’s that I find it hard to trust anyone.
In this industry, you can never be sure of someone’s intentions, and I’ve worked too hard to keep my name out of any scandals.
I’m going to have to run damage control.
I throw myself behind my kit and slump into my seat with a groan.
Kat. Another email from my lawyer. Now this fight with Sav. I’m already exhausted, and it’s only the first show of the tour. I adjust my transmitter and put in my ear monitors, and while I don’t miss a single beat through sound check, I’ve mentally checked out.
God, I hope I don’t feel like this for the entire fucking tour.