Chapter 3
three
. . .
Akilah needs to hire a new bartender. Her brain is already going a mile a minute as she wanders downstairs to cover the missing staff.
Everything feels a little off. The lights are too bright, the music tinny, and the tag in her shirt rubs against her neck.
Everything has been weird since she touched herself last night.
She desperately tries not to think of it as a punishment.
It’s not something she shies away from, but it’s certainly not something she does in abundance. It used to be. She used to throw herself into sex with anyone who would let her touch them without questioning too much why she didn’t want to be touched back.
Then, she stopped wanting to touch them either. There was a while where she tried to force herself anyway. She’s different in so many ways, so many obstacles to someone wanting a relationship with her, and she couldn’t stop having sex, too.
Now, her brain buzzes as it always does when she can’t figure out if liking to orgasm without bottom surgery means she’s a bad woman. She’s not. Some rational part of her brain knows that. The other part wins out most of the time.
She almost trips on the stairs, and the idea of trying to hire another interior designer forces its way to the front of her mind.
With it, Tanner. Kinda rude, totally beautiful.
Possibly flirting with her. She did call her baby, and she checked her out, so obviously, even Akilah figured it out.
Her sister says she was definitely flirting when Akilah called her the moment she watched Tanner get on the bus from her office window.
Before she has a moment to get a hold of them, the thoughts melt together, and as she steps down to the ground floor, she pictures what Tanner would look like naked.
Akilah isn’t used to wanting to have sex.
Occasionally, she’ll meet someone she’s attracted to, but it rarely goes beyond that.
She can’t hold a conversation to save her life and has less desire to try with every passing eye roll.
Tanner smiled at her, though even when she was accidentally rude for the fourth time.
It doesn’t matter, though, because the club is heaving, as it always is, and she has no brain power to focus on the way Tanner bit her lip when she tensed her arms.
Then, she hears the soft tone of Tanner’s voice anyway, as though her mind was waiting for her.
“She might not be working tonight.”
Akilah stops dead, closes her eyes and turns to walk back up the stairs. She’s not going to survive tonight without her earplugs. Not if Tanner is here. Why is she here? Does she want to know if Akilah is working? Did she bring her friend after telling her Akilah was rude as fuck?
She didn’t mean to be. The moment passed by so quickly that Akilah couldn’t explain her portfolio before Tanner was calling her out for caring about her appearance. Her annoyed pout and furrowed brow made her look like a cartoon lamb and severely undermined her efforts at being annoyed.
Akilah had the right mind not to mention it.
She sees Tanner the moment her boots hit the ground a second time. Akilah wasn’t looking for her, but that’s an outfit someone wears when they want to be noticed. Knee-high boots, a skirt so short she wants to ask if she’s cold, and a white racer crop top. Fatally attractive.
Tanner holds her gaze as Akilah walks past her table, and it feels like everyone else disappears. Realistically, she can see people in her peripheral vision, but they’re not smiling at her, so she doesn’t care.
Akilah doesn’t smile back, but there’s a hum in the back of her skull. Tanner doesn’t like her, but she’s still found her in a crowded room. She must be here for fun, and all her attention is on Akilah. The thought is going to render her utterly useless tonight.
She doesn’t feel guilty, not about the meeting. She’s not a war criminal, but she was rude. Even if she didn’t mean to be. Her mum tells her it doesn’t matter how she wanted it to come out; if Tanner was offended, then she was rude anyway.
With a sigh so heavy it could shift mountains, Akilah rolls her neck, her hands flicking by her thighs as though that might somehow shield her from Tanner’s dimple and bright eyes.
Being behind the bar makes masking easier than direct conversation, so it’s a half-decent place to be when she feels this intense.
She does a half-decent job of serving people and not looking for Tanner.
But occasionally she finds herself wondering what she’s talking about.
She notices Tanner dig her straw past the ice to gather the last of her drink.
Akilah doesn’t need friends, so there’s no need for her to make nice.
Still, she ignores the people at the bar so she can take some drinks over.
It’s bottom-shelf tequila; it’s barely even a peace offering.
Her friend looks up at Akilah as she arrives. Tanner looks at the drinks. Back to Akilah.
“We didn’t order anything.”
Akilah puts the tray down, and Tanner’s friend immediately takes the shots. They clearly don’t care that she is trying to maintain an air of disinterest. According to Tanner’s pout, she’s not amused.
“I know,” Akilah replies. She lifts the tray when the drinks are gone. “Let me know if you want anything else.”
A woman leans over the table, three pink pin badges pinned to her shirt. She’s pretty in a very blonde way. She might think about kissing her eight days a year, but never if Tanner was in view.
“What if someone at the table wants you?”
Akilah doesn’t have to sleep with her, but messing with her isn’t illegal. She looks her up and down, places her palm on the table and leans over slightly.
“You going to get on your knees for her?” the woman asks. Akilah blinks rapidly, looks to Tanner. She must mean Tanner; otherwise, she would have said me. Right? But Akilah doesn’t have all the information to make an informed decision.
“Right now?” Akilah asks.
“Jesus Darcy,” Tanner replies, her hand against her chest. “You have to go for the hottest woman in the room.” That’s the second time she’s called her hot.
Akilah isn’t shy about having someone think she’s attractive.
She hasn’t thought about acting on it in so long that she’s not sure how it works anymore.
Darcy laughs. “I wasn’t talking about me, but I dunno, maybe I’ll take you on Tan.” She smiles up at her, with the handful of people lingering near the table, and Darcy. At least three people are looking at her, and none of them is Tanner. Akilah’s halfway back to the bar already.
Tanner sticks her tongue out, and Akilah thinks about the shape of it, but Tanner shivers at the same time. Her entire body was shaking with the force of it.
“Unfortunately,” Darcy says, spinning a curl around her finger. “I only like men.” Akilah frowns. Is this girl talk? Should she care who Darcy likes? She doesn’t know her, but she has heard conversations about drunk girls in toilets becoming best friends. Maybe alcohol is the common denominator.
“Unlike Tanner, who likes terrifying rude—”
“I said I couldn’t figure out if she were rude,” Tanner pipes in. Darcy rolls her eyes, while Akilah tries to figure out if it’s her they’re talking about.
“Tanner likes maybe, maybe not rude women.” Akilah looks at Tanner, who smiles with a shrug.
“Uhm, okay.” Akilah rolls the tray between her fingers. The neon sign for the toilets is in her direct eyeline, and she stares at it until her eyes go blurry. Tanner shivers again, and Akilah sees the goose bumps on her thighs.
“Are you cold?”
“I’m fine,” Tanner responds.
“I can see the goose bumps on your skin.”
Tanner smiles, a small laugh slipping past her lips. “I am a little cold.”
Akilah frowns. The heating isn’t on, but it gets sweaty and stuffy in here the moment there’s a large crowd. She could turn the AC off in this section.
“Don’t worry,” Tanner says, swinging her legs slightly. “I’m always cold. I should have bought a jumper.”
“Do I make you anxious?” Akilah asks. Darcy is doing a good job of pretending to be on her phone. It helps.
Tanner frowns, looking up at her. “What? No. Of course not.”
“Why don’t you tell me the truth the first time I ask?
” It comes out a little harsher than she wants it to; she can tell by the way Tanner’s brows furrow.
“You told Darcy I might not be rude, but in my office, you said I was rude as fuck. Now you’re saying you’re not cold, even though I can tell you are, and I have a horrible track record of figuring that out. ”
“I can’t believe I have to turn blue to get you to say more than three words to me.”
“It’s barely chilly,” she mutters. Though she supposes the rest is true. Perhaps Tanner would smile at her if she told her how she’d thought about their conversation almost hourly since she left her office. Akilah rolls the tray over the table as Tanner watches her hands move.
She wants to move them behind her back. They’re one of the only things she’s never managed to make feminine despite the nail varnish. Akilah clears her throat. “Can I get you something warm?”
Tanner’s gaze slowly moves from her hands, up her body, criminally slowly, until it reaches her face. “Yeah, okay. Thank you.”
Akilah nods, chewing on her lip. “Do you want this?” She holds out the material of her shirt.
“What will you wear?”
“I have a bra on,” she replies, pulling her shirt open slightly. Tanner’s eyes go wide as she looks at her chest. Akilah’s spine tingles all the way to her toes. She could kiss her. If Tanner wanted to, she would kiss her.
“I can’t watch you in underwear for the rest of the night and live to tell the tale.”
Akilah laughs, a burst of sound she tries to catch with her palm. She scrubs her jaw instead. “Okay. Wait here.”
She feels Tanner’s eyes on her the entire time she walks to her office. God, that was stupid. Why has she offered to get her something to wear? Her office is a mess by the time she’s found a top she wore about three months ago.
It takes thirty seconds to debate whether it would be too obvious to spray perfume on it as she leaves. A deliberation she wishes she had lost as she walks back down the stairs with the unmistakable citrus aroma in her nose. God, it’s like she’s trying to fucking scent her.
Tanner watches as Akilah moves through the room. The crowd parts as if they’re the Red Sea and she is Moses. Oh, her mother would love to hear it. Tanner is still watching Akilah as she walks back to the table.
Akilah held her gaze. She was confident with it, too, but now she’s standing right in front of her and wants to run away.
“Here.” She almost throws it at her. Tanner smiles brightly, and Akilah can only breathe properly when the top hides it.
Darcy looks up at her, and Akilah turns away quickly.
“Does this mean I can work behind the bar?” Tanner asks as she pulls it over her head. Akilah bites back a smile when her hair puffs back up.
“No.”
She pouts. Akilah tries desperately not to lean in.
It’s been so long since she let herself think about being intimate with someone.
There’s a tightening in her stomach when Tanner bites her lip, but no strong desire to act on it.
It’s not like Akilah never gets horny; she just doesn’t want to do anything about it.
“Are you joining us?” Darcy asks. She seems genuinely nice, but Akilah isn’t sure she’d say yes even if she could.
“I should get back to the bar.” She spins, never figuring out how to end a conversation without a wave or a smile.
“Akilah.” She turns back and sees Tanner smiling at her. Lord, she’s pretty. Her hands pressing into the bench send her shoulders sky-high, her hair bouncing around her. “You should come sit with us if you have any breaks.”
Akilah chews on her cheek, tries to figure out a polite response, and ends up walking back to the bar after having said nothing at all.
She regrets it the moment she turns, but she can’t find a good enough reason to turn around and go back.
She thinks about grabbing some more drinks and placing them on the table, and just sitting down.
But then she’d had to talk. Perhaps she’d have to come up with a conversation even though she hasn’t had forty-eight hours to prepare, nor has she had a friendly conversation outside of the dry cleaners three weeks ago.
She pulls out her phone to text her sister. Types an entire paragraph and then deletes it with a sigh. Akilah doesn’t know how to make friends. Let alone friends she might want to kiss.
Akilah looks at the huddle of people wanting her attention at the bar. Raises her eyebrow, listens for the first drink order that sticks in her brain and makes eight pornstar martinis without looking at Tanner once.