Chapter 8
eight
. . .
When I woke again, she was still in my arms. It felt like a dream if I was being honest, but I felt like I understood Astra more than I ever had. I couldn’t believe I’d wasted so much time disliking her for no good reason. I planted a kiss on her temple and felt her stir beside me.
“Ready to go again?” she asked sleepily.
I chuckled at that. I wasn't sure I would survive another round tonight. “How about you let me take care of you this time?” I asked, running my fingers through her hair gently.
“You don't have to do that,” she said quickly.
“I know I don't have to. I want to. I want to return the favor.”
“I didn't—it wasn't—” She turned around, and I registered the pained expression on her face.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked immediately. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean—”
“No, no, it's not that,” she answered. “I just… I didn't want you to feel like you had to. That's the last thing I want.”
“You don't want me to touch you?” I asked slowly.
She let out a pained laugh. “Gods yes, I want that so badly, but not if you don't want to. I don't want it to be you returning the favor.”
I was an idiot.
“I'm so sorry,” I said quickly. “That's not what I meant, I swear. I know we haven't talked much, but I don't want you to feel like you're an obligation. I promise I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to. I care about you.”
“You do?”
I nodded. “Of course I do. Granted, I'm a little rusty at this type of caring, but I'm a quick study,” I said, winking.
She grinned at me and swatted my hand away. “How about we talk for a minute? I want to know how you really feel. Things changed for me. When I saw those things…” She shuddered, and I tried to pull her closer, but she stayed where she was. “Please, I have to get this out.”
I could tell it was hard for her to say, and I wanted to comfort her, but it felt more important to respect her request, so I let the distance remain.
“When I saw those things killing you, I lost it.
I've never felt like that before and, gods willing, I never will again.
It was like a part of me was there with you, being torn open.
Then, watching you lying there, taking your sweet time to wake up, it almost killed me.
When you did wake up, I told myself I would be okay with whatever you wanted, but I lied.
I wanted to be whatever you wanted, but I can't.”
She closed her eyes, and I sucked in a breath.
If she were saying she was done with me, even if I was just starting to realize how I felt about her, I would have to be okay with it.
I would let her go and respect whatever it was she wanted, but the thought hurt in a part of my heart I didn't even know existed until now.
She was shaking now, and I pulled her into me tightly, letting her rest her head on my shoulder as I felt her tears come.
My heart was cracking open. Astra didn't cry.
There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to get her to smile right about now.
“You can't what? Whatever you want, say it and it's yours.”
She sniffled. “Hardly. I'm trying to say I can't do this. I can't be casual with you. Watching you almost die broke me. I want to explore this, whatever this is with you, but only if we do this for real.”
“You want to be with me?”
“Want doesn't begin to cover it, but yes, if you want to, if you can accept me for me.” She shrugged a little before adding, “Magic and all.”
I had never hated myself more than I did at that moment. “I don't know what to say.” She winced, and I quickly added, “I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that.”
She blinked in surprise, and I kept going.
“I was an idiot and a jerk, and there's no excuse, but I'll admit it—I was jealous.
Things seemed to come so easily to you, and, with your power, all the young warriors looked up to you.
I'm not too proud to admit now that I was incredibly jealous.
I used to think you didn't have to train as hard as I did and could cheat with your magic, but if I learned anything from our brief trip outside the barrier, it's that your magic isn't an enhancement; it's a part of you.
I'll never be able to express how sorry I am for making you feel like that was something to be ashamed of.”
She sniffled. “Stop being so mushy. You're going to make me cry again.”
I laughed a little, feeling my own eyes water. “I might beat you to it.”
She was still watching me, and I realized I had more to say. “Every part of you, magic included, is beautiful.” I picked up her glowing violet hands and slowly kissed each of her fingers.
Before I knew what was happening, she leaned over and kissed me, and my world exploded.
The instant her lips met mine, I felt like I could taste colors.
My entire body heated, and for the first time, I felt love.
True love. I gasped and pulled away, the tears I’d been holding back streamed down my face as my heart wept at finally feeling whole.
She was grinning and wiping away her own tears. Seeing my astonished face, she asked, “You didn't know?”
I was her fate-bound true love.
I shook my head quickly before realizing what she was implying. “You did?”
She nodded.
“How long?”
She shrugged. “I suspected it for a while now, but I didn't really know until you dared to almost die. A magic attack like I had is incredibly rare. For you to have made it happen, I knew.”
“But—what?” I tried to process what she was telling me, but I couldn't understand. “You knew and were going to let me go?”
“Of course I was,” she said quickly. “Neither of us chose this, and I wasn't going to force this on you.”
I couldn't believe her. I couldn't believe I had simultaneously been so lucky and so blind, or that I had ever been so casually cruel to her about her magic. I sucked in a breath. “Your magic?”
If it had been curse-bound magic, then I could have just stolen her magic from her for good. Before I could panic, she grinned, and a glass of water zoomed over to us. I took it carefully and took a sip before greedily gulping down the rest. I hadn't realized how dry and sore my throat was.
“Better than ever,” she said, grinning.
I looked down at her hands for reassurance. “They're not glowing.”
She laughed. “They don't do that all the time, you know. Mainly just when I'm feeling something strongly.”
“But you were pretty much always glowing around me.”
She shot me a look, and I laughed at the realization. I felt a little stupid for not having understood earlier.
“Now, though, I don't think they glow on their own anymore,” she said before leaning and pulling me into a deep kiss that had my heart racing. When she pulled away a minute later, I was out of breath. She looked down at her hands. “That settles it. I think I'm fully back in control now.”
She grinned and made a hand motion that caused her hands to glow lavender. “I can still make them do it, though. Pretty neat trick, huh?” she said, grinning.
I had to agree.
We spent the rest of the night sharing kisses and stories with each other.
For having been around her as much as I had, I hadn't known nearly as much as I thought I did about her.
I didn't even know she had no living family left.
She discussed staying at the Oasis or returning to the capital's barracks, but the moment she admitted she wasn't thrilled with either option, I knew what I had to do.