Chapter 1
one
. . .
Lux
Now
She looks beautiful.
The kind of beautiful that steals your breath.
The kind of beautiful that makes your chest ache.
The kind of beautiful that makes you yearn for forever.
The kind of beautiful you’re supposed to look on your wedding day.
The only problem is it isn’t my wedding day, and Olivia, my best friend, isn’t marrying me. And yet, I feel all those things when I look at her anyway.
“I can’t believe this is really happening,” Liv says, running her hands down the intricate beading of her bustier.
We’re standing in her childhood bedroom, and it’s just the two of us, like it’s always been.
She stands before her full-length mirror, looking ethereal, dressed in her custom-made ivory wedding dress.
I know her well enough to know that she’s been planning every single detail of this day since we were kids, right down to the way her wavy, coffee-colored hair cascades past her shoulders.
The only difference is that when we were kids, I was the one marrying her. I was the one who had to close my eyes while she got dressed. I was the one waiting for her at the end of the aisle.
I swallow past the emotion lodged in my throat and paste on the dependable smile I’ve worn all weekend.
“You look breathtaking,” I tell her honestly. “James won’t be able to take his eyes off of you.”
His name feels like barbed wire scraping the inside of my throat.
I hate him. I hate him for no other reason than that he has her and I don’t.
Worried that my expression will give my distaste for the man away, I let my head fall between my shoulders, hiding from her.
“Lux.” Liv’s voice is close and soft. “Lux, look at me.”
I don’t want to look at her. I can’t look at her.
“Lux,” she repeats. “Timeout.”
After years of friendship and fighting, and fighting and friendship, it’s the one and only rule we have. Everything has to stop when that word is spoken. No running, no hiding, no saying no.
Timeout.
“You have a wedding to get to,” I say cautiously.
“Do I?”
My head snaps up. “Don’t.”
“Why not?” she argues. “We’re running out of time.”
“You’re getting married,” I say through clenched teeth. “There is nothing more to it.”
She shakes her head, disappointment written all over her face. “Tell me,” she insists. “Tell me if I’m making a mistake. Am I making a mistake, Lux?”
Emotions wrap themselves around the answer, keeping it lodged in my throat, the three-letter word choking me.
“Honey, are you ready?” Liv’s father, Ben, steps into the room, completely oblivious to the tension surrounding us. “Everybody is waiting for you.”
Ben’s gaze dances between the two of us, finally acknowledging the strain between us. “Is everything okay here?”
Shame fills my chest. Ben is the only father I’ve ever known, the best father a person could ask for, and here I am, throwing all he’s done for me in his face and ruining his daughter’s big day.
“Can you give us a few minutes?” Liv says to her dad. “I just need Lux to help me go to the bathroom before I walk out.”
Nodding, he accepts the lie and silently leaves the room, leaving Liv and me alone with her unanswered question, squeezing the life out of us, and expelling the last remnants of air from our friendship.
“Tell me,” she pleads. “Am I making a mistake?”
“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” I answer, completely avoiding what she’s asking. “It’s your wedding day, and you look beautiful. And there is a man who loves you very much, out there waiting for you. That’s all that matters.”
“I called a timeout,” she says, unshed tears in her eyes. “I called a timeout, and you’re ignoring me.”
“I’m not ignoring you,” I lie. “There’s just nothing left to say.”
Closing the small distance between us, I do my best to keep my breathing even and my voice steady. I do my best to conceal the truth and sell her the lie. “I already told you we were the mistake. We should’ve never happened.”
Liv’s eyes fall shut as she shakes her head. “You’re a liar,” she whispers. “I was there.”
Eventually, she looks at me, and I watch the slow straightening of her spine, the deep, steadying inhale, the change from damaged to determined.
“I was there,” she says again, stepping to me.
We’re only a breath apart now, and I can feel my pulse quicken at our close proximity. I can feel my heart thrashing inside my rib cage, begging me to set it free.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think.
I just … can’t.
Leaning forward, Liv whispers in my ear. “I felt you,” she says. “My hands felt you. Held you. I tasted you,” she continues. “Your mouth, your skin, your cum.”
My breath hitches at her words, the memory of that night hitting me like a tsunami.
“Do you remember how it felt to have your fingers inside me?” she taunts. “Your tongue? Do you remember worshipping me?”
“Liv,” I breathe out, just before her lips unexpectedly find mine. I moan into her mouth, knowing I should push her away, but I don’t.
Her hands settle on my face, and mine on her hips, pulling her closer. She kisses me with urgency and anger. I taste the hurt and longing as she sweeps her tongue inside my mouth, everything about her even better than I remember. And I remember it all.
The way she tasted, the sounds she made, the way she fell apart in my arms. It’s my favorite movie and my worst nightmare.
A sob finds its way between us, and for a second, I can’t work out if it’s me or her, until she reluctantly pulls herself off me. My hands fall to my sides as she steps away from me, the distance now appearing insurmountable. She raises her fingers to her lips, as if to memorize our kiss.
When I don’t say anything, she sighs in defeat and turns away from me. I watch as she walks to her bedroom door, my eyes glued to her, taking in the way she slowly tries to put herself back together.
While I silently fall apart.
Tears stream down my face, knowing with every fiber of my being that when Liv walks out of this room, she will also be walking out of my life.
“Lux.” With her hand on the doorknob, her voice comes out hoarse and broken. “The only person who’s making a mistake is you.”