Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
WYL
During the two weeks since that Thursday night, I sank deeper into the quicksand of regret and had nobody to throw me a rope.
I wanted to talk to Rod. To explain. To tell him about my gay side.
To heal the deep wound I caused. He is my friend.
My only close friend since Stewy in high school.
Rod is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I fucked things up with that kiss and then watched him leave without begging him to let me explain.
Now, he probably never wants to see me again.
I missed two weeks of classes because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
The way he ran away after the kiss made me fear what he would do if we met again.
The whole situation shoved me into a deep depression.
I sat at the breakfast bar and was reminded of Rod and our steak night.
Would I ever eat steaks with Rod again? My left elbow rested on the bar with my cheek lodged against the heel of my hand.
My right hand toyed with my silverware. The clatter of frozen fish sticks and French fries being dumped on a baking sheet was the only noise in the house.
Walt was fixing lunch. What he fixed didn’t matter. I had no appetite.
Walt opened the freezer to toss in the bag of fries. “Fish sticks and fries okay for lunch?”
“Whatever,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. Why did he ask?
Walt placed the baking sheet in the hot oven and closed the door.
“Talk to me, brother. For two weeks, you’ve sulked around lower than a sow’s belly in a mud pit.
Until you met Rod, you were never Mr. Happy, but after you started classes, your entire outlook changed.
Then something happened, and now you’re dragging me down. ”
“Nothing to talk about.” I didn’t take my eyes off the knife I turned over in my fingers, mesmerized by the light reflecting off the shiny blade.
Walt jerked the knife away. “Don’t give me that shit.” He slammed the knife onto the counter. “Since I got back from Oklahoma City, you’ve been in the dumps. Did buying my new horse upset you?”
I avoided Walt’s gaze. I didn’t need anyone else upset with me, and I didn’t need sympathy. I needed Rod. “No. I’m glad you bought Princess. She’s beautiful.” I’m sure I sounded like one of those unemotional computer voices. I clasped my hands together between my knees and hunched my shoulders.
“Did something happen at school?”
“No.” I sighed. “School is fine.”
“What do you mean, school is fine?” Walt hammered a fist on the breakfast bar, rattling plates and silverware.
I jumped at the noise and Walt’s aggression. “What’s wrong, Walt?”
“You tell me, big brother!” Walt shook a finger at me. “When were you last on campus? I’m thinking at least two weeks ago. Something is bothering you, and I’m not letting you off the hook until you spill your guts.”
My shoulders sagged again, and I studied the pattern on my dinner plate.
There is no way I can tell Walt what really bothers me.
I never shared my preference for men. After he found out, he would join the throngs of people disappointed in me.
Okay, throngs are a bit much, but right now, I can't think of anyone besides Walt who still likes me. “I need to work this out myself.”
“Wyl, growing up, we always talked to one another. With Mom and Dad gone, we’re all we’ve got. If you can’t talk to me, who will take this two-ton boulder you’re carrying off your shoulders?”
I sighed. “The problem is complicated. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Wyl, I was born at night, but not last night. I dealt with bullies in high school. I dealt with uncooperative ranch hands. On top of that, I went through the worst marriage in history and was dragged through a fucking divorce, so problems and I are old friends. You’re hurting about something.
I’ve been around the block a time or two, so you’ll have difficulty shocking me.
” He rapped the counter three times with his knuckles. “I’m listening.”
“I can’t even come to terms with this myself, much less try to explain things to someone else.” I put my elbow back on the breakfast bar and rested my cheek on the heel of my left hand, tracing my right index finger over the dinner plate design.
“Wyl, are you sick? Did you visit a doctor who told you something you’re having trouble facing?”
I shook my head, still resting on my hand. “If only the issue were that simple. No, I’m not sick, at least not in a physical sense.”
Walt turned, reached into the refrigerator for beer, and brought out two bottles. “What do you mean?” Each bottle hissed as he twisted off the caps.
“There are people who might think I’m sick.” I glanced at Walt and reached out an empty hand for a beer bottle.
“If you’re not sick, why would anyone think you were?” Walt placed a bottle in my hand and took a sip of his own beer.
I sipped my beer. What could I say now? Silence hung in the air like skunk odor.
“Wyl?” Walt placed his hand on the plate in my field of vision. “Talk.”
I gazed at Walt in silence, then at my left hand. It was hurting. No wonder. It was balled into a tight fist. I relaxed the fist and flexed the fingers. “Okay.” My mouth opened and closed several times, false starts to an explanation.
“Is Rod the problem you won’t talk to me about?”
My eyes darted to Walt, dismayed that he mentioned Rod.
He encouraged our friendship. Former friendship, despite how close we became.
I needed this conversation. Words formed.
“Yes.” I exhaled a heavy sigh, and the flood of words poured out.
“When Rod came for steaks the night you were gone to Oklahoma, something unexpected happened.”
“What? Some unforgivable thing like he beat you in a game of pool?” Walt took another sip.
I shook my head and chuckled. It felt good to chuckle, or even to think something was funny. I missed the banter Rod and I shared. We were always laughing about something. Laughter eluded me for two weeks. “No. Losing a game of pool is no big deal, but this…”
Walt shook his head. “Well, I can’t imagine what happened to upset you so much. After classes started, you talked daily about school, your music class, and Rod. I loved seeing you so happy.”
“I never had a friend I could depend on, Walt. Not since high school. When Rod and I have a conversation, happiness wells up inside me. I enjoy his company. We have fun joking with each other.”
“You’re describing friendship. What happened to push you over the cliff of despair? Did Rod say something to upset you?”
“No, he didn’t say anything to upset me. I’m upset over what I did to him.”
“What did you do?” Walt glanced sideways at me. “Cook his steak well done or something?”
“No.” I chuckled again, the memory of Rod saying next stop, beef jerky still fresh in my mind. “I kissed him.”
Walt’s beer bottle stopped in mid-air and slowly sank to the counter. In a calm voice, he asked, “You did what?”
“I kissed him.”
Walt didn’t miss a beat. “What did he do when you kissed him? Did he run from the house, and now you’re afraid he’s avoiding you?”
“Yes, he did run from the house. But he’s not the one doing the avoiding. I am.”
“Why are you avoiding him?”
I raised my voice. “Because I’m afraid of what that kiss meant.”
“I see.” Walt’s tone stayed calm. He came around the breakfast bar to sit on the stool next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders. “Tell me about it.”
My shoulders shuddered as I took a deep, ragged breath. “During our guitar lesson, Rod was tense. I put my hands on his shoulders to massage away the tension, leaned over, and kissed him.”
Walt squeezed my shoulder. “How do you feel about kissing Rod?”
“Wonderful and terrified all at the same time.” My voice shook. Was I admitting to Walt that I like men? That I wanted Rod? That I considered him more than a friend?
Walt’s hand massaged my shoulder. “Why are you terrified, Wyl?”
“Because I don’t know how he feels, or how I feel.”
“I think you have the answer. You want to be with Rod. I’ve never seen you so depressed as in the past couple of weeks.”
I sat silent; my body shuddered as Walt continued to grasp my shoulder.
“Wyl, are you trying to convince yourself you’re not gay?”
“Oh, God.” My voice came out in a whine, and tears fell.
“Hey, being gay is not the end of the world.” Walt squeezed my shoulder again. “While I am surprised, no man dies from being attracted to other men.”
“Walt,” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I never told you, but I had an intimate relationship with a Marine buddy years ago. His name is Dusty, and I thought we were solid, but he turned on me one day. He outed me to other Marines and claimed I came on to him. I didn’t care about being outed, but his betrayal hurt me.
I thought the guy had feelings for me, but he didn’t.
I’m afraid to commit to another relationship because it hurts so much when it ends. ”
“What makes you think Rod will end the relationship?”
“Why would he want me? He’s a smart professor. I’m a dumb rancher who doesn’t even have a college degree and goes around kissing his friends.”
“First of all, you’re not dumb. Second of all, being a rancher is something to be proud of. Third, you don’t go around kissing your friends because you don’t have any. Well, didn’t have any until Rod. And fourth, how many people with college degrees have the kind of wealth you have?
“You can’t buy love, Walt. Take Mitzi, for example.”
Walt sighed. “You’re right. But what makes you think you’re not good enough for Rod?”
I shrugged. “I guess I’m afraid of being hurt again.”
“What are you talking about? You’re hurting now.”
I sighed.
“Did you like kissing Rod?” Walt wiped a tear from my cheek.
“Yes.”
“Did you and Rod do anything else?”
“No. He left right after that.”
Walt paused, his brow furrowed as he loosened his grasp.
I stood and walked over to the windows. “Your frown tells me you think I was wrong. But wrong about what? Kissing Rod? Letting Rod leave without an explanation? Avoiding school because I’m afraid of what Rod might think?” I stood, breath coming in gasps, staring out the front windows, arms crossed.
Walt came and placed a gentle hand on my neck. “Wyl, my frown wasn’t critical. I’m trying to figure out how to help.”
I sighed and relaxed. “The negativity scares me. When Dusty outed me and blamed me for everything, I got negative reactions from Marines I thought were friends.”
Walt tugged me to face him. “You are my brother. My only brother. My only family. And whether you’re gay or straight or black or white or polka-dotted, nothing will ever come between us.”
I sighed and found my brother’s eyes. “You mean it?”
“Fuck, yeah,” Walt grinned.
I forced a grin back at him. “Thanks, Walt.”
“And what other motherfuckers think isn't important. If they aren’t willing to accept you for who you are, then you don’t need them.”
I squeezed Walt’s shoulders. “I guess you’re right.”
Walt nudged a knuckle under my chin. “Are you okay now?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Now that I told you my big secret.” I made air quotes.
“C’mon. Sit back down, and I’ll pull lunch out of the oven.” Walt started for the kitchen. “You know I went to meet Rod, don’t you?”
“You did what?” I pulled my stool to the breakfast bar and sat.
“After the Big Spring thing. You were floating on cloud nine, so I thanked him at his office. He’s a great guy. All smiles. He sure acted happy to have you as a friend.”
“Really?”
“Why are you surprised? It was obvious to everyone else. And by the way, I told him he is welcome here any time. So, you’d better kiss and make up so you don’t make a liar out of me.”
I sighed. “I think a kiss is the last thing he wants. But I hope we can work up to that again.”
“Don’t give up, brother. He might have liked it as much as you say you did.”
“That sounds weird coming from you, but I get your point. And now that we’ve talked, I think I’m hungry. What are you doing with frozen fish and fries?”
“I had them before you came home from the Marines.”
“You’ve had these in the freezer for over four months? How did you survive by yourself? I guess I'd better start doing the cooking.”
“Be my guest. But first, figure out how to fix your relationship with Rod, okay?”
“Yeah, and thanks for making me talk. I needed to unload that two-ton boulder.” I smiled for the first time in two weeks.