Chapter 17
We
Alex
Iblinked my eyes open to morning light and an empty bed beside me. I was in bed—in Jade’s bed.
In two seconds, I was already on my feet, scanning the room as memories of last night hit me full force. Her words, her worries, the way she…the way she felt. How she trembled in my arms. The way she said my name.
I spotted something on the beach and rushed to the window. There she was—perched on the sand and looking out onto the horizon. It was cloudy, for the first time in months, and the strong wind blew Jade’s hair in every direction, but she was here. With me.
Just like last night.
The whole thing was the hottest and most erotic experience I’d ever engaged in—in my entire life. It obliterated all the sex I’d ever had—every relationship, every fling, every wild and seemingly edgy thing I’d done.
Nothing ever felt as special or as good as whatever happened last night. What even happened? I was months away from turning thirty-five and somehow living through what felt like my first sexual encounter.
You’ll do it again when I ask? When—not if—when. Her words echoed in my mind, and I was now more convinced than ever that if anything were to happen further, it had to be on her terms. I couldn’t take any first steps, couldn’t initiate, and that was both liberating and extremely disempowering.
Waiting for permission wasn’t really my thing. My entire life, I just took what I wanted. And Jade…I wanted Jade more than I’d ever wanted anything, but this time, she held all the power.
How long had she been out there? I glanced at the clock—seven in the morning. That was an hour after my regular wake-up time, but I’d already learned it was too early for her.
I threw on some sweatpants and a hoodie and turned the coffee maker on, haphazardly brushing my teeth.
The coffee brewed…so slowly. I stood there, drumming my fingers in anticipation. I was going to go see her. With coffee because she liked coffee in the morning.
And then we’d make breakfast.
No, I’d make breakfast for her.
It was ridiculous—the way my heart fucking sang when I did things for her. Just as I reached for the cups, the sliding door shut behind me, and I whipped around to see Jade already inside, watching me with a small smile.
“Good morning,” she said quietly, slowly unpacking the inside of my soul just with her presence.
I nodded, suddenly having lost the gift of speech. She looked…different. The change was slight and almost imperceptible, but there was an aura of calm around her.
“Alex, do we have to discuss what happened last night? Because if it’s okay with you, I-I’d rather not for now,” Jade spoke quickly, taking fast steps toward me. Today she wore all black. I’d never seen her in black, and I’d have given a thousand lives just to see her in every color.
“I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just…” She stopped right in front of me, my arm still outstretched toward the cups on the shelf. “I just don’t know how to…how to process it yet and I…” Her pure gaze met mine again, the warmth in her eyes soothing my anxiety.
What was it about her? What was it she did that melted all of me?
“I want to sleep. I’m so tired,” she whispered, taking another tiny step closer. She reached for the drawstrings of my hoodie, her touch deliberate and soothing. “Will you come sleep too? It’s so early and I’m exhausted for some reason.”
But the reason was evident—Jade had been holding onto fear and tension for a long time, and last night she finally trusted someone and let some of it go. Me—she put her trust in me. I’d hold that trust in my hands, in my heart, in my soul. Always.
Images of her from yesterday infiltrated my mind as I studied every single one of her beautiful features. Her eyes; enchanting and deep. Her smile; effortless and disarming. Her personality; kind and multilayered. And a brat. Because Jade loved being that.
“Okay.” I nodded, whispering just like her. “Let’s sleep.”
So we did just that. In complete silence, Jade climbed into bed and closed her eyes, breathing deep and relaxing into her slumber. I watched her gentle features rest until I too closed my eyes and fell asleep beside her, praying I could do that every day from now on.
I’d had convictions once—about the kind of woman I wanted, about what I deserved. About the way the world owed me anything I wanted.
All of that was crushed now. Jade was the one thing in my life I couldn’t take. The one thing I couldn’t steal. And I’d done an awful job at trapping her.
Jade was a whole universe, and I wanted all of it.
But not by force. Not this time.
Not ever with her.
The smoke escaped my nostrils as I sat on the beach at six o’clock in the evening, the nicotine not bringing me any peace. I knew it was six o’clock because we had to be at Andrei’s in an hour, and I hadn’t even told Jade yet.
After waking up, she’d been quiet. Even worried. Barely engaging in conversation, her smile was half-fake and she was…jittery.
This dynamic was all off for us.
For us. Jesus fucking Christ. I’d only spent a few days with her and I was already thinking like an us.
It was all on a loop in my mind. Every second spent with her, everything I might have done wrong. I stared at the ocean waves, ebbing away gently, the feeling sinking me. She probably regretted everything that happened last night.
I fucked up. At the end of the day, she was here against her will, and here I was, showing up without reason, and sleeping in her bed—fuck!
“Alex?”
I snapped my head to the gentle voice, my breath catching in my throat at the sight of her. She was back in a dress—this time flowing and dark red with tiny white polka dots peppering the fabric.
But she was smiling now.
“Can I join you?”
I nodded quickly, wanting nothing else in life except her beside me. My heart—it was bursting through my chest again. Ugh. I was so fucked.
“Jade, I—”
“I hate guys who smoke, Alex,” Jade interrupted me, throwing a pebble into the ocean. “But I like when you do it.” I had whiplash from her words, my fucking pulse hammering in my throat. “Is that weird? I like when you smell of cigarettes, but maybe you should quit. For your health, you know?”
She stole a glance at me, her eyebrows furrowed. That worried Jade from this morning was back in a flash.
“Last night…” She gulped, turning to me. “Wasn’t…wasn’t anything, right?”
I blinked at her while her words ripped right through my heart. Last night was everything. She was everything.
Did she really think that? Did she feel nothing?
I turned to the ocean, quickly deciding to give her what she wanted. “If you want it to be nothing, Jade…I can pretend it was.”
The world stopped spinning for me at that moment. I couldn’t breathe.
It meant nothing to her.
The cigarette burned the skin on my fingers, but that was good—I liked the pain. Pain was the only constant and reliable thing in life.
She sat beside me silently and I was sure she’d walk away now. Sure that she would ask to forget the whole thing and tell me to leave.
But instead, her fingers dug into my chin, startling me. She forced my face to hers, letting me catch deep anger in her eyes.
“Look at me, then.”
The cigarette fell into the sand, and before I could react, Jade shifted onto her knees and climbed into my lap, one hand still clutching my jaw.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you think that,” she commanded, her forehead almost pressing into mine.
And I did. I gazed into her eyes, all her defiance and hate spelled out in capital letters. I was transported back to that first night—when she looked into my eyes and bit into my flesh. And I understood that…that I was in love with her.
“Tell me it meant nothing.”
The pause stretched, but I stayed silent, unable to lie to her.
And she let go. Her fingers slipped from my chin, her bitter scoff another punch in the gut.
Her knee dug into the sand beside me, and she was about to walk away—walk away from us, but no.
No.
Not letting her rise, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her into me. She gasped softly and plopped back down, and that was all I needed.
“Do you want a confession, Jade?” Her eyes searched mine, the crease between her eyebrows deepening. “You remember that bite, don’t you?” Jade looked down toward my hand—the one resting on her thigh. “I kept tearing it open. Just to have something of yours. Does that sound like nothing to you?”
But Jade was silent. She kept her eyes down, tracing the bite mark with her soft finger.
“I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t work, couldn’t think, couldn’t fucking breathe…until I saw you again. Is that nothing?”
Her chest rose and fell with a sharp inhale, and she finally looked up at me, the worry in her eyes mirroring my inner desperation. “Say…say more things.”
My fingers settled on her waist—a dream fulfilled.
It all melted around us—the beach, the house, the world. It was just Jade—on my lap, her bottom lip trembling and my heart racing.
“Do you realize how easily you wrapped me around your finger?” I felt for her hand, never looking away from her eyes. “Yes, fine, I kidnapped you, and yes, you think it’s fucked up, but now…now I just want you to choose me. Despite that. Despite everything.”
I slid my hand on her back, and she moved closer, placing her hands on my chest. “But if you want last night to be nothing, Jade…then I’ll pretend.
” My voice shook, but fuck it all. “I’ll pretend for the rest of my life, but don’t ask me to feel nothing.
Don’t ask me for something I can’t give you. ”
Jade’s fingers twisted in my shirt, and my nerves were one second away from slipping when—
“That can’t be true,” she whispered, her words painful. “I’m-I’m difficult. I talk back. And I’m a brat.”
She’d said all that as if it was a bad thing. “Yes, you are.” I leaned a tiny bit closer, tucking her wild hair behind her ear. Just a touch. Just a small indulgence. “And I fucking love all that. I love when you’re difficult. When you talk back. When you’re a…brat.”
Jade shook her head, trying to hide the way she was breaking down. “I’m too much.”