Chapter 42
A Man In Love Loves
Jade
The little flame flickered in my peripheral vision.
It was a warm evening, and my dress stuck to me in the heat—Xavier’s choice.
Because everything was his choice now. He imprisoned me and dictated the rules—what to wear: only what he bought for me.
Where to go: not the store, not the beach, not for a drive—nowhere alone.
Everything was a no. No choice, no power, no life.
Nobody would kidnap me ever again and set me free.
He picked my shoes too. I wiggled my toes in the uncomfortable heels, but the pain didn’t matter; I was nauseous anyway.
It had been two months since I last vomited. Two months since Xavier proposed and then forced the ring on my finger, and almost three months since Alex died.
Alex. Died. My Alex.
There was no getting over this. No way to dull the pain or lessen the guilt.
My father and Xavier sat in front of me, smoking cigars. They were deep in conversation, but I couldn’t hear them. There was only one voice in my head.
He haunted my dreams. He haunted my days and nights. Everything was the same—the world kept turning, but without him.
The birds still sang their songs, and the ocean still ebbed and flowed.
But without him.
"...pick your dress? Would you like that?" I turned my head to the voice, noticing my father’s happy eyes on me. "Let's all go together. We can pick a wedding dress for you, Jady. How about next week? Saturday."
Saturday. Depending on where the store was, I could escape and run to the ocean. I could jump in and just swim. I was a strong swimmer—I could swim far. And then I could just let go. Just let go…and be with him again.
It was on my mind all the time. I wanted to die. A black hole pulled me in, and uncontrollable rage drowned me, but on the outside, I was just regular Jade.
A zombie walking through life—just like before.
Instead of an answer, I rose from my chair and walked inside the house. Maybe I’d be able to raid Xavier’s bathroom. Maybe I’d be able to find a razor sharp enough.
I schlepped up the stairs of his monstrous and ugly house, and right before I stepped into my room, his filthy fingers closed around my wrist.
I looked down, refusing to turn back to him.
“Your father left,” he informed me, but I didn’t care—my father meant nothing to me. I’d lost the game and lost the one person who was my whole life.
Xavier tightened his grip. "Stay with me tonight. I’ve been patient."
And at this, my gaze found his. I knew this was coming. I’d prayed with all my energy that I’d have a chance to kill myself first.
Xavier’s face softened when I looked at him, like he remembered something. Slowly, he stepped closer and murmured, “We can take it slow.” He raised his hand to my cheek, and I recoiled. “I want to make you happy. Give me a chance.”
I stared at him, his eyes mellow for the first time ever, but I was burning.
“A chance? You killed my boyfriend. Fuck! You!”
The ‘nice guy’ mask fell off instantly. Anger blazed in his eyes and his nostrils flared. "Don't push it, Jade. I'm offering you to come with me." He looked me over with nothing but disrespect.
"How considerate,” I scoffed, that blind rage overtaking me. “You're offering not to rape me? You're a gentleman after all!" My hand felt for the door handle, but he grabbed it before I could.
"Let’s not use such crude words. I’m entitled to what was promised to me.”
Xavier stepped closer.
My heart dropped into my stomach.
Promised?! I didn’t promise him anything!
“I understand that you liked slutting yourself out to some lowlife criminal, but that time is over. You have a responsibility to someone else now."
I laughed—for the first time in three months. It was painful and dark, and it hurt.
“I’d rather be his slut until the end of time than sleep with you,” I gritted, ripping my wrist out of his grasp. “I’d rather he fuck me until I can’t walk than let you touch me with a finger! Fuck! Off!”
My shout echoed in the hallway, and Xavier’s eyes widened in surprise, but there was no winning this. Quickly, he composed himself and lunged for my waist, swinging my body over his shoulder.
“Let go! Let go!” I kicked. I punched. I screamed.
But he was the one in control.
It would happen. He would rape me, and then I would kill myself.
Xavier stepped into his room and threw me onto his bed like I was a piece of meat, promptly stepping back and away. Both scared out of my mind and completely devoid of all emotions, I scampered up his bed, waiting for the attack, but instead, he just stood there with his hands in his pockets.
It was like a tomb—quiet, cold, and dark.
And then, to my wild surprise, Xavier sat down on the bed and hung his head, loudly sighing.
What the fuck was this?
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be that upset.
” I blinked at him in the darkness, pressed against his headboard.
“But…I want to make it work between us, so just tell me. Tell me what I have to do for you to forgive me, and I’ll do it.
Whatever it is, Jade.” He sighed again, as if this was difficult for him.
I gulped down my tears, knowing that I was all alone with this psychotic monster who seemed to genuinely believe we could make it work.
I just feel so broken.
I want to protect you from whatever you’re scared of. I’m right here.
The tears dripped off my chin while the memory dissipated.
“I love you, Jade.” Xavier turned to me fully.
"You've hurt me and I've hurt you, but I know we can work through this. You have to stop ignoring me,” he almost pleaded, all his words disorienting.
“I've been seeing a therapist these past few months and I'm working on it.
On making myself better for you. Less angry. And I've stopped doing coke. Almost."
Well, fuck. A for effort.
"Xavier…” I began, not knowing how to put anything into words. “You have very deep psychological problems...if you think that we can have any sort of relationship after everything that you've done. Did you tell your therapist you killed Alex and how you got me here?”
Xavier leaned on the bed, propping himself on his elbow and looking into my eyes. “No,” he admitted quietly. “But I regret it. Does that make you feel better?”
Better. What a confused and deranged lunatic.
"Yes. Of course. It makes me feel so much better that you regret killing the man I love."
Xavier didn’t appreciate my sarcasm, but I couldn't say the word love in the past tense. My love was not in the past; it was present, here, now. I loved Alex every second of every day and night. Just because he was dead, it didn't mean that my love was dead too.
I moved to climb off the bed, but Xavier's hand closed around my ankle alarmingly fast.
"Let him go, Jade." Xavier transformed, his voice suddenly cold and forceful. "He's dead. You can't bring him back. Don't suffer for the rest of your life. You have something real in front of you."
I stayed immobile, not having the words to respond and putting all my efforts into breathing and holding back my uncontrollable tears.
So Xavier moved. He climbed off the bed and reached for the top button of his shirt, like this was all normal. Like this was mutual. His eyes on mine, he unbuttoned his shirt, his lips curving in a small smile.
“Just sleep with me in the same bed. I’m not asking for anything else, yet.”
Yet.
Nausea flooded me, but I forced myself to move slowly, afraid to spook him. I shifted on the bed, an inch closer to the edge, but Xavier was skilled at reading my body language—especially when I was scared and uncomfortable.
With incredible speed and force, he lunged forward, clasping his hands around my hips. “Don’t go,” he ordered loudly, quickly climbing on top of me.
My soul left my body.
He was heavy, so much larger than me, almost as tall as Alex, and he knew how to use his strength against me.
He shot his gaze down, and within a second, his hands were already sliding on my arms and pulling down the straps of my dress.
Cold air hit my nipples and I gasped, but the look in his eyes—the fire in his eyes when he saw my naked breasts—killed the last of my hope.
God, please, no.
He touched me. His hand snapped to my breast and he squeezed painfully, my entire body recoiling at the way he groped me. I writhed like a snake underneath him, swatting at his face and neck, but he ended it with one swift movement.
"Stop! Enough!" he shouted, and the pain seared across my face, that burn all too familiar. It was shocking every time—the way my whole body ached in pain from a slap in the face.
It was all the same. It was all just like last time, but this time there was nowhere to run.
But I could fight. I punched, but Xavier pinned my wrists to the bed. I kicked, but Xavier trapped my legs with his. Slowly, but surely, he caged me beneath him.
I couldn't cry—the tears wouldn’t spill. My heartbeat thudded wildly, but my mind was sharp. If I stopped struggling, he would stop too.
So I did. Slowly, I relaxed, giving him false hope.
He continued. He yanked up my dress, gasping softly. “You wore these for me?” he whispered, hooking his finger in the band of my thong.
It was now or never.
On his knees in front of me, Xavier unzipped his pants with one hand and pressed into my chest with the other.
I pulled my knees up, ready to make my escape.
“You’re shaking, baby.” My fingers closed around my heel. “I’ll help you forget his name, mon ange.” I slipped the shoe off my foot, the manic glare in Xavier’s eyes rattling me to my core. “Stay still.”
He plunged his hand inside his pants and that’s when I swung. As hard as I could, I rammed my heel into him, getting him right in the shoulder.
“Argh!” Xavier jerked back at once. “You bitch!"
He lost his grip, but I knew it wasn’t enough. Working on pure adrenaline, I aimed one more time, this time into his face.
And luck was on my side this time—the heel sank right into his eye.
The scream that left his vocal cords was horrifying. Hot blood gushed right onto me, and Xavier arched his back, staggering off the bed and dropping to his knees.
Astounded, I watched the way dark blood seeped between his fingers that clutched at his eye. Was this enough to kill him?! Enough to blind him?
“Fuck you!” Xavier screamed, but I was already bolting off the bed and out of his room. "Come back here, you fucking cunt!"
My feet padded on the carpet and down the stairs, all of me shaking. I could run out of the house and throw myself under a car. I could escape and jump off a building.
The more hope grew inside me that I could escape, the louder his steps sounded right behind me. Breathless, I twisted my head to see him stumbling after me in enraged shock, the sight of him straight out of a Halloween movie.
My legs tangled on the landing, but I lurched forward, almost at the front door. Just a little bit. Just a few feet. I could run away and drown myself. Throw myself under a bus, a train, a bicycle—anything!
"Baby!”
His fingers scraped my back, making me yelp.
“Baby! Baby, wait! Please! I'm sorry!"
And just like always, he locked me in his arms. His hot blood gushed onto my shoulder when he slammed me against his chest, reminding me once again that there was no way out.
He always won.
"I'm sorry!" he wailed and dropped to his knees, his hands clutching at my waist. “I’m sorry I did that!”
We both stood there sobbing, him on his knees and me flush against the front door, my bloodied hands raised, refusing to touch him. I panted loudly, calming my sobs and doing my best to hold back the vomit.
"Please, Jade! I love you! I'm so sorry, baby! I'm so sorry!"
He pressed his face into me, smearing his blood and tears all over, and begged. Begged on his knees for forgiveness.
Just like before.
And just like before, there wasn’t any truth to his words. Xavier wanted to own me. Wanted to control and submit me, and that’s not what a man in love does.
A man in love loves.