Chapter 24 Part of Your Life
PART OF YOUR LIFE
The house was beautiful. It was filled with warm things.
Lamps that cast a warm yellow light on the golden walls and rich furniture.
There were family photos of smiling kids and happy parents.
Flowers on side tables and in the bathroom.
Music floated throughout the house and around the people who quietly mingled.
Everyone and everything had been chosen for how they fit into the night. Ian for his hard work. Guests for their social standing. The white wine went with the fish that went with the soft-colored linens. The caterer for his recent article in the Twin Cities Life magazine. It all fit.
Except for me.
I wore black to a party where the theme was all fifty shades of beige.
I wore the same black sweater I wore with Tristan but paired it with a black skirt.
Callie talked me into wearing thigh highs and black heels.
She said they would make me feel powerful in a situation where I could feel powerless. She was right.
“And you must be with Ian. You’re the only person I don’t know here.” A lady in a cream-colored sweater dress and brown suede boots stuck out her hand. “I’m Helen.”
I sifted through the few names Ian mentioned every once in a while. Helen was not one of them. “Nice to meet you.” I shook her hand.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.” She gave me a fake smile.
“Evan.” I wasn’t Ian’s prize.
“Evan?” She said my name like most. Trying to make my face match a name that shouldn’t belong to me. An instructor in my human sexuality class said I looked like a Heather or a Rachel.
“Yep. And who are you here with?” Two could play at this shitty little game some women liked to play. The I’ll-Shit-On-Another-Woman-To-Make-Myself-Feel-Better game.
“Oh no, I’m Helen Carlson.” She waited for her name to mean something. “I’m sure Ian has mentioned me.”
Oh, poor Helen. He hasn’t. Ian caught my eye and made his way over. “Helen, I see you met Evan. Evan, this is Helen. We worked on the Tanker account together.”
“How nice.” I had no idea who she was.
“Helen was the one who first noticed the discrepancy.” Ian smiled at her. Helen laughed and went on about how it was Ian who had done the digging and found where. Ian was perfect for Helen. She already owned the khakis and probably bought her table at IKEA.
I watched Ian and the others who had joined the conversation.
Ian smiled at everyone the same. Nothing was saved for me.
No wink or nod that would make me feel any different than Helen.
He didn’t mention Helen to me or me to her because we didn’t matter enough.
Helen and I were the supporting characters in Ian’s life.
I was beginning to see this was a pattern with the women in his life. A pattern I didn’t want to be part of. I should have broken it off before dinner.
I smiled and nodded at the short man who told accounting jokes.
I watched Ian smile and laugh. When I first met him, that smile was what drew me in.
It was warm and inviting. It felt safe. At the time I believed Ian would never break my heart.
He’d never choose someone over me. And now I saw that he couldn’t break my heart because I hadn’t given him that power.
Because Tristan still had it.
“Will you excuse me?” I walked from the living room, grabbed my jacket, and kept walking out the front door. I didn’t want to ruin Ian’s special moment. But now I knew I didn’t have the power to.
“Evan?” Ian bounced down the first steps. “Where are you going? Did Callie have another ‘emergency?’ If this is going to be a pattern, then don’t agree to have dinner with me.”
The November air was cold, and seeing him standing in the golden light, I realized I couldn’t be what he needed me to be any more than he was what I needed. “I can’t do this, Ian. I’m sorry.”
“Do what?” He paused.
“Us. This.” I motioned to the space between us. “It’s over.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” He took another step down.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” This was not how I pictured doing it, but it would never be the perfect time to end a relationship. “Neither one of us cares enough.”
“That’s not true.”
“Really? You never told Helen or your closest friends about me. Callie and Zoey know… You know what, it doesn’t matter.” Nobody needed to be right or wrong in this situation. It was over because we were both wrong for each other.
“Evan, you’re not making any sense. Why would I talk to Helen about you? It’s work. You have nothing to do with that.”
I rubbed the moisture from my nose. “No, it’s life, Ian. I am part of your life. Or at least I should’ve been. But I’m not because I don’t mean enough to you. Which is fine, because if I’m honest, I don’t think you mean enough to me either.”
“That’s not true.” Ian took a step down.
“Really? What’s my middle name?”
Ian opened his mouth, then closed it. “That’s not fair. You have two.”
“Pick one.”
“Can we not do this here?” He motioned to the house.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to ruin your night.”
Ian scoffed and started to say something, then stopped.
I knew what he wanted to say. That I didn’t have the power to ruin his night. Which should have hurt but it didn’t because I didn’t love him. “I think it’s best that we end this.”
“Can we at least talk about this?”
I watched a couple cars pass by. Maybe if Tristan weren’t back in my life, I would’ve.
But I had lost so much time with him, and Ian and I had no future.
I should have seen that. I was trained to see all the ways Ian and I would fail.
“There’s nothing to talk about. Good luck.
” I turned and started walking away. I made it two blocks before my feet hurt and my nose was frozen.
I sat on the curb, not sure when my life had turned into such a shit show. And why hadn’t I called an Uber instead of doing some dramatic walkout? I could have called Callie, but I called Tristan instead.
“Hey, you.”
“Hey,” I breathed into the phone. “I need to ask you something.” I shivered against the breeze.
“Where are you?” Tristan asked.
“Don’t ask.” I took a deep breath and tried to organize all my fears. “Am I part of the problem? Be honest.”
“What problem is that?”
I could hear him moving around and people talking in the background. “If you’re busy—”
“Evan, what’s going on? Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay. See all those years ago, I was angry you left. I blamed you. But you didn’t leave. I did.”
“I didn’t help the matter.”
I could hear a door close and him unlocking his car.
“No. You didn’t have a choice, but I did.
I could’ve stayed. I should’ve.” After the heartache came anger.
I thought I would prove to him that I hadn’t needed him.
That I would be better off without him. I had done the thing I hated about his mother.
I had made myself the victim in Tristan’s story.
And now I worried that, like her, I was the reason he couldn’t get better.
“You’ve come so far. You’re finally getting your life together.
I don’t want to be the reason you slip again.
And I don’t want to be the reason you break. ”
“I can safely say you are not the reason I snorted coke off a dirty bathroom counter. You are not the reason I can’t sleep at night or why I hate the smell of Jack Daniels. You are not the hole I get sucked into. You’re the reason I climb out.”
“I’m part of your past, Tristan. A past you need to move on from.
To heal from.” I fought to keep my teeth from chattering.
More out of fear he was going to agree than the cold.
I know what happens to people when they live in the past. I’d seen the damage it could do.
And those people didn’t have the past that Tristan had.
“No. You’ll never be the part I need to move on from. Now, please tell me where you are.”
“Are you sure? Will you tell me if I am? If I am like her.”
“Only if you tell me where the fuck you are. Evan please.”
I smiled at his words, the tears leaving warm trails down my cheek.
It was too cold to sit on the curb, and if I cried again in an Uber, they’d probably ban me.
I looked at the street sign. “Edina. Willson and Jefferson. I’m the one sitting on the curb.
You can’t miss me.” I hung up and sat there in the cold waiting for the stupid tears to stop.
Tristan barely put the car in park before he was out the door.
“Hey.” He knelt, taking my hands in his. “Are you okay?” He searched my face and hands.
I snorted a laugh through the tears. “I haven’t been okay in twelve years.”
Tristan cupped my cheek. “Me neither, love.” Tristan pressed his mouth to my forehead. I closed my eyes inhaling his scent. He pulled away, wiping my tears away. “Can I take you home?”
“Home?” That word made my heart ache. I wanted to go back in time.
Do it all over again. Do us all over again and make different mistakes.
To have a home and a life with him. An apartment.
But not one with warm walls and pancakes, but one that was filled with him.
With us. I leaned into him and kissed him softly, waiting for him to stop me. To say this was wrong. But he didn’t.
“My roommates are gone. You wanna go back to my place?”
I nodded, afraid if I spoke, it would break this moment. Us.