Chapter 35 When We Move On
WHEN WE MOVE ON
Zoey and Callie were already at the table when I rushed in. Carter made me pancakes, which turned into sex on the counter and burnt pancakes. When he kissed me goodbye, he did something I was still trying to process what to do with.
“Sorry,” I said, hugging them both. Callie looked a little better. She didn’t look gray, at least.
“I just got here. Ty was up all night with the girls. Ava is sick, and Layla is teething. Are we drinking? Please say we are.”
“It’s brunch.” Callie waved the waitress over and ordered a pitcher of mimosas and a glass of juice. “I’ll be ovulating soon.”
“Are we going to talk about that?” Zoey asked.
“No. We are not. I haven’t seen you in, like, forever Zoey, and Ev, it’s been weeks. I want to know what’s new with you all.”
“Nothing. I never leave the house. I always have someone else’s bodily fluids on me.
I don’t sleep. I haven’t pissed or shit alone in, well, almost two years, so…
I had to buy underwear to come because I didn’t have any clean.
Why, you ask? Because last week Layla was sick.
Who knew a six-month-old could hold that much liquid?
” Zoey grabbed the pitcher before the waitress could set it down.
“Well. Okay. Note to self, up birth control,” I teased.
Callie looked sad, playing with her glass. Zoey’s shoulder dropped. I felt for both of them. Zoey for losing herself in motherhood and Callie for watching a dream die on the bathroom floor.
“Don’t do that, Cal, please. I need this.
I need you guys. I need to be able to tell my best friends how shitty my life is right now.
No one understands. Or at least cares. Motherhood can be very lonely, and it sucks sometimes.
” Zoey pressed her fingertips to her eyes.
Neither of them said anything. I didn’t want this to become our friendship.
Zoey would stop calling, and Callie would let her because it was easier to not be reminded of what she couldn’t have.
“Carter wants me to move to California with him,” I blurted out, hoping to change the subject.
“What?” Zoey cocked her head.
“A recruiter called him. Some hospital in San Francisco wants to hire him.” I looked at Callie.
“California? That’s great for him. I know he’s not happy here.” Callie forced a smile.
Fuck, it was already happening. “Yeah.” I looked away from them.
“This is good, right?” Callie looked at Zoey.
“Is it?” It felt selfish to talk about something so stupid. If I was tired of beating the Tristan horse, they had to be tired of hearing about it.
“I don’t know; you tell us.” Confusion marred Zoey’s brow.
“The thing is, Carter did something. Something he promised he would never do.” I looked down at my hands.
Callie cocked her head. “We’re going to need a little more than that.”
“Yeah, before she takes this to a place I do not want to go with either of you,” Zoey said over the rim of her glass.
“He said he loved me.”
“Oh thank god.” Zoey let out the breath she was holding. “I was worried this was going down some weird kinky road.” Zoey poured us all more mimosa and motioned for another pitcher. I looked at Callie because she would know why that scared me.
“Zoey, there’s nothing wrong with people having kinks.” Callie turned to me. “What did you say?”
“Nothing.” I chewed on my thumbnail. “I said nothing because I didn’t know what to say. This isn’t Carter. He doesn’t do this. We don’t do this. That was the deal. That was our thing.” The panic started to bubble up.
“Stop.” Callie took my hand. “Deep breath.”
“What am I going to do?” I looked at them both.
Callie chewed on her bottom lip. “Ev, I think it’s time you move on. It’s been almost two years.”
I knew she was right. That didn’t mean I was going to change anything.
A broken heart never really heals. There are always cracks and missing pieces.
Pieces that the other person carries around.
They may not even know it. But you will always sense that piece being gone, no matter how small.
Tristan still had that small piece of me.
“Cal’s right, Ev. Besides, Carter seems like a really great guy.” Zoey nodded.
“He is but—”
“There are no buts. Enough is enough.” Callie looked at Zoey, who looked sad. They both knew something.
“What are you not telling me?”
“Nothing that you don’t already know. Evan, as your friend and fellow therapist, you can’t keep waiting for him.
He’s never coming back. And even if he did, why would you want him back?
He was engaged to another person. Carter would never do that to you.
For once in your life, you’re in a really good, healthy relationship.
Don’t throw it away.” Callie drained her glass.
“Callie’s right. Tristan has moved on, and so should you. Plus, you and Carter look great together. Do you want me to tell you if I think you’ll have pretty babies?” Zoey teased.
I looked at both of them. “How do you know he has moved on?”
Callie played with the stem of her glass. “Because the last time I saw him, which was four months ago, he told me.”
“You saw him?” I didn’t know who hurt me more, Callie or Tristan.
“Yeah, I did. I told him you were doing well. And he was happy for you because he’s doing better too.
He’s moving to Miami. He’s been offered a job with a pretty big shop.
He told Craig he’s bought a condo and is getting into treatment.
” Callie looked to Zoey for support. “He’s not good for you, Ev.
You two are like gasoline and fire; you won’t be happy until you’ve turned each other to ash. ”
I didn’t know why it felt like my world had tipped upside down and everything was scattering across the restaurant floor.
This was it. The end. I knew this was for the best, to cut that final string.
And that scared me. Tristan and I had been tied together for so long I didn’t know what my life would look like without him in it.
“Ev?” Zoey touched my hand.
“I’m fine,” I lied. “And you’re right.”
Callie’s eyes softened. “Ev, Tris has got a very different life in Miami. He’s made a pretty big name for himself in the tattooing world. He’s out all the time promoting the shop with some DJ. His friends are the rich and famous. He’s not the Tristan you remember.”
“That’s good.” I hated how breathless I sounded. How my voice cracked.
“She doesn’t believe you.” Zoey looked at Callie.
“Then maybe this will help. He sent this to Craig last week.” Callie pulled out her phone and pulled up a video.
It was Tristan dressed all in black. His dark hair was short on the sides, and the top was longer and hung in his face.
He looked different. Edgier. Sharper. He was surrounded by women, lots of them.
One was grinding her very round ass into his crotch.
The music was loud, and bright lights flashed.
He held up a glass and toasted to the camera.
“This is Miami, baby. Everything I need is right here.” He winked at the camera.
“You want that life? You want to see videos of him doing shit like that?” Callie tucked her phone away.
My life with Carter was quiet and filled with exotic places and expensive hotel rooms. We vacationed in Europe. Spent Thanksgiving in Bora Bora. New Year’s Eve in London. Carter wore designer suits and spent his money on watches and shoes. Shoes he looked really good in. “No.”
“Carter loves you.” Callie ducked to meet my gaze.
“So does Tristan.” I would never doubt that.
“Yes. I’m sure he does, and you two have a history, one that you will always have. But you need a future, and that’s in San Francisco with Carter.”
“Yes,” Zoey chimed in. “The Bay Area is beautiful. Plus, I’m just a short drive away.” Zoey smiled. “Callie and Craig can bring their brood, and we can go to Disney. Can you imagine Carter in Mickey ears?”
“I’d actually like to see that,” Callie teased.
I listened to them talk about my life with Carter.
It was a good life. I liked it. Carter didn’t want to change me like Ian had.
And Carter lived a deep life, one filled with passion.
So if everyone agreed that Carter was the best, why couldn’t I see it?
Why did it feel like I was being dragged along?
“Okay.” I forced a smile and held up my glass.
“Here’s to letting go of the past.” We caught up on all the things we had missed out on in each other’s lives.
Zoey’s kids, Callie’s retreat. I nodded and pretended to be okay.
I should have been okay. There were almost fourteen years between Tristan and me.
Once, I believed our love was written in the stars.
But stars burn out, and people grow up and build beautiful lives in Miami.
And California.